Life: As we live it

I closed my eyes and all I could hear was voices, voices of hatred. There was darkness in front of my eyes and I wanted to sleep but those voices wouldn’t let me. Those were the voices of my loved ones whom I had failed. I wish I had lived up to their expectations. I wish I had made everyone happy but life is not always fair to everyone. Some born with golden spoon live it happily. Some learn to live through its complexities and some keep fighting till the end with the hope of something better. I fall in third category.

Nobody has control over their fate but life is all about how we live it. We didn’t come with anything in this world nor we are going to take anything from here but all that matters is the little act we perform in the stage of this world. Unfortunately I didn’t get opportunity to perform well in my act or I would say life wasn’t fair to me.

“You can’t do anything better in your life. You can’t make anyone happy. You don’t value what you already have. You are just a selfish piece of sh*t and if you want to achieve something you need to come out of your selfish zone. Your ego is all that matters to you. You will never learn to accept your mistakes. You just don’t care…..”

Again it was just a dream but these memories made me cry in the middle of night. I wasn’t able to sleep then. Helplessly I prayed to God but he doesn’t seem to exist when you really need him. I started to stop believing in him. I don’t know in what form I was trying to find him but I couldn’t feel his presence anywhere in this world. The whole world belonged to evil men while innocent were just victims. Simple people were dominated by liars, cheaters, hypocrites and rapists. Theory of karma was just bullsh*t. This was for the world and for me none of my prayers was answered.

It all started nine years ago when I couldn’t meet the expectations of my parents. They wanted me to be the king of this world but they forgot to raise me like a prince. I was just a loser who had brought shame to his family. I felt cut off and alone. I needed someone to remove my aloneness and my prayer was answered for the first time. I had met a girl of my dreams, my wife. Everything was fine, she loved me and I loved her but the people didn’t love us being together. We tried to ignore this fact for four years. She kept on convincing people who didn’t like us. She kept a great fight against them. Only if she had been a great warrior, we could have won the war. I personally never cared about what others think of us. I was too busy in solving my problems to care about bullsh*ts. But she wanted everyone to be happy.

At first she fought with everyone who talked against us. Then she started convincing them that we were perfect together. It too didn’t have any effect. Our society is like dog’s tail. No matter how much hair gel you apply every day, it will always be sickled. She couldn’t do anything to make them understand, so she started ignoring them. But when you listen and try to ignore someone, a part of that is always stuck in your mind and you will always give it a thought whenever you are all alone. A heap of such negative thoughts will always be enough to change your belief.

I never understood why people mattered so much to her and then I stopped understanding many things. She started falling weak. I wish Love had been just about two people. Two people making their own world without anyone else to interfere. But the thing is two people aren’t enough to handle the hazards of this world. In our relationship there had been earthquake, flood, hurricane and many other. Very soon she was a changed person whom I didn’t know. One day, out of blue, she came on my way to office and said,

“We need to talk.”

Whenever this sentence comes out I always assume something bad is going to happen.

“We are already talking. What else do we need to talk about?” I replied pretending everything was alright.

“We need to talk about many things. We need to talk about us. It is very crucial point in our relationship.” She seemed very serious.

“Of course, every day is crucial in a relationship and we haven’t stopped talking. So why don’t you move out of my way so that I can go to office?” I was still being ignorant. I knew that conversation wasn’t going in a right direction.

“No, we have to talk today. You never have time for us. If you are ignoring me now I am not going to talk to you ever.”

“Can’t we talk it later after my work? I promise I will listen to everything.” I knew I couldn’t stop what was about to happen. I was just getting prepared for it.

“No, Raj. You have to listen now.” She held my hand and said, “I can’t let you ignore me all the time. I am tired of compromising. I am tired of you. You can’t see what I have become. I have no life.” She was literally crying.

“I am not ignoring you. I am just trying to save my relationship for future. Since you are tired of me and your life, I assume you are tired of this relationship too. It’s no point in saving it anymore and it’s time to face the real facts. Tell me exactly what you do you want me to listen?” It was better to open up even though the consequences wasn’t going to be good.

“Then, listen! The truth is you don’t love me anymore. You are getting busy in your own life. You have no time for me. Every time it’s me who has to compromise and I can’t do it anymore. You don’t care about what I feel. You have broken me completely. You were the reason for my happiness and my sadness. I got my soul attached to you and still you chose not to care. Instead of making me happy every time, you chose to make me sad.”

I wished I knew what she was feeling. I couldn’t understand from where all of these started to come suddenly. I couldn’t control my emotions. I started to get angry. That was the kind of anger you get when you are blamed for everything you are not even aware of. Either I had lived all my life in illusions or both of us had different lives in our relationship.

“Why didn’t you tell me all these before? From where is it coming now?” I asked seriously.
“All these were always inside me. I never told you because I knew you wouldn’t like them. But how long can one keep secrets, yaar? You never cared to understand what I was feeling. You always broke my heart. I got attached to your soul not knowing that it wasn’t mine. U have destroyed me. All that matters to you is your pride. Do I deserve to be ill-treated by you? I don’t deserve any of these. Today also you were choosing to go on with your work. Wounds of my heart can never heal now. You have ruined me completely.” She said crying.

I couldn’t understand whether her tears were real or things she were blaming me were real. I was so confused within myself. I didn’t even know what I had done. She had chosen to be with me when my life was already a mess. I never wanted her with me in that mess. Still, of all men in this world, she chose me. And now I was the reason for destroying her happiness. I had ruined her life. I wasn’t strong enough to carry all these burden of blames. One thing was clear that she couldn’t be happy with me anymore.

I am a kind of person who doesn’t like to express his feelings much. Instead, he likes his feelings to be understood by his dear ones. I personally feel if your feelings aren’t able to speak to your love, your words can’t ever do. Now I was in a situation where my feelings were never understood and my words would make me a hypocrite. I knew what I had to do. I had to let her go. Even if she wouldn’t want the same, I had to see her happy. I couldn’t even bear the thought of myself being the reason of her destruction.

“I can think of only one thing after all these you said to me. You can’t ever be happy with me. Maybe you won’t be happy without me too but I think things will be alright few years down the lane. I am sorry but you have to move out of this relationship.” I said it boldly this time.

I don’t know what she was up to but she started fighting with me more. She said stubbornly, “I always knew you were going to leave me one day. Your pride is more important to you than me. I stand nowhere in your life. You never wanted to be with me. I gave you everything in return of your love. I wish you really cared and dragged me out this hell. I know we are going to break up and this will last forever but the thing is you are so chilled out and it is not affecting you at all. How can you change so much? After all these years I have been with you, you want me to go?”

Maybe she was hurt and she wanted me to get her out of misery. But all the blames she had put on me without understanding me a little had proved that she really didn’t need my love. I was hurt deep inside by her words and I didn’t want her to know that.

Like always, I used my anger to cover my pain and said, “Yes, I want you out of my life. I can’t carry on any further. And before that I want you to know the truth. You are goddamn selfish. This relationship has always been about you from very beginning. You never tried to understand what I felt. You only cared about yourself. My ignorance mattered you so much but you never tried to understand what I was feeling. You sought happiness in this relationship but you never found out whether you made me happy. You were always bothered by what others said and you forgot to listen what I said. What happened to the world of only you and me? The thing is you have changed so much since I met you first.”

“Yeah, I know I have changed a lot. What is the big deal? Why can’t you accept me the way I am? In true love people love each other the way they are.”

“Of course, it’s a big deal. When I met you I loved you the way you were but then your thoughts started changing. You are totally a changed person now. If I love you now, there is no proof that you won’t change tomorrow. I don’t say change is bad but there should be same change in both of us. Anyhow you wouldn’t understand because you are so damn sure about your illusions. I can’t take any more of this.” I said and came out of my home. My head was paining badly and so was my heart. This was the worst fight between us.

For few moments I didn’t want to concentrate on anything. I was feeling restless along with headache. Her screams were constantly echoing in my ears. I wanted to hit my head against wall and punch sandbag as much as possible. Instead I went to park nearby and sat in a lonely corner unnoticed by others. I don’t remember what I was thinking that I sat on the same place from noon to night without even moving a bit. It was closing time and whistles of watchman was hinting me that I should leave the place. I was on my way back expecting another scene at home. But it was a total different scene there, she wasn’t in the house. I searched her closet only to find that her clothes and suitcase were missing. She had left with all her belongings. I didn’t know how long she had been gone. I tried to call her but she was busy. I called her again but she rejected and later switched off her phone. I knew I was all alone in my life again.

My four and a half years of marriage had come to an end. Love is always a bit*h. In some point of time love is always going to leave you alone at the mercy of others. In most cases people let someone else to show mercy and end their love story by making someone else more important in their life. But if you are brave enough to face aloneness and challenge your destiny, the end will be beautiful. It’s the end that makes story complete and I couldn’t see the end of my life. My life didn’t make sense to me anymore. I couldn’t sleep that night and many other nights. I had become insomniac. I left my job because I couldn’t concentrate on work. All day I would think about the people who influenced my life. I would wonder how many tears will be shed if I die. Mostly I thought of her. Sometimes I would cry whole day and night thinking about the best moments of my life with her. I could still feel her breath and warmth of her touch. Sometimes I would curse myself for failing everyone in my life. All those days her voice of hatred kept haunting me. It was scary as hell.

Months had passed and I still couldn’t deal with myself. My life was becoming messier day by day. I hardly ate or sleep. I had become pale. I could count my bones looking myself in mirror. Any more thinness would bring my skeleton out of my body. They say, “Suicide is an act of cowardice.” Believe me it takes a lot of courage to commit suicide. If a pinch can make us scream, imagine how painful can it be to abandon our life. Even I couldn’t die.

One early morning when I felt walls of my room were biting me, I decided to run. I didn’t know where to go but I kept on running and running until I couldn’t move any further. I sat down on road to think. I had to do something with my life. Everywhere in that city reminded me of her, so I decided to change it. I wasn’t sure where I had to go but I wanted to go someplace where I wouldn’t know anyone and no one whom I know would be able to find me. I wanted to become anonymous. I decided to figure out rest of my life there itself.

Few days later I reached Jaipur railway station. I took a bus to Ajmer and reached there three hours later. I hired a taxi from Ajmer to Pushkar which was my final stop. I had two reasons for coming to this town. First, I wanted to go to a place where no one would find me and second, it is one of the most peaceful town in country. Pushkar is a holy town filled with Hindu legends. Anyone will fall in love with panoramic view of its lake. The Aravalli Range there is one of the world’s oldest mountain ranges, and has sandy fields, small dunes, beautiful hills and mesmerizing sunrises and sunsets. In Pushkar, one of the biggest Cattle Fair is also held for trading purposes and the best cattle in all categories are awarded. Countless people in their colorful attire gather to take a dip in the Holy Lake and pray to the deities. The whole town comes alive with vibrant folk music and dances, magic shows, horse and camel races and various other traditional entertainment competitions.

I rented a small room with Lake and Mountain View. First few weeks I tried to keep myself busy knowing the town. I thought a new town would be a start of new life. I also planned to open a small shop here to make my living. But my past would never let me have a better present or future. Her voices followed me there too. Often I would find myself crying remembering her words. I still couldn’t believe she might be such a changed person to me. She was definitely not the person I had fallen in love with. I knew her heart was ruled by the brain of some other person. I couldn’t beat destiny however hard I tried. Pain in heart wouldn’t let me think anything else in life. I went to temple every day to find answers from God but he was numb as usual.

Two months had passed and I hadn’t found any answers yet. I would go and sit in a corner of temple watching priests chanting some Vedic mantras. One day I went to a priest and asked, “Baba, I am too absorbed in the matrix of this world. I want to get rid of all the pain. How can I free myself from the strings of materialism?”

He replied, “Son, we live a mortal life but our spirit is immortal. First you will have to draw a line within yourself to differentiate between two. When you will gain a full control over your mind, you will feel a transition within from mortal to immortal. It’s never easy. You will have to lose focus from the pain you are in and focus only on ultimate power.”

I didn’t get what that priest was trying to tell me about immortal spirit. I tried to ease out my pain by doing other things but it was too intense to let me concentrate on something else. I still remembered our wedding day and her vows kept on ringing in my ears.

“I love you, Raj. You are my only world. All that I am I share with you. I take you to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part.”

We take our vows in front of God without knowing whether we will be able to keep them. It doesn’t take time to disobey God because everyone knows God won’t come on earth to punish us. I don’t say I am perfect and I have done no wrong in this world but I am sure of the promises I make. It’s always better to promise what you can deliver and deliver more than you promise. It’s so wrong to make a vow just for formalities. Perhaps, it’s rightly said, “Promises are made to be broken”. Only I never got it why one has to make a promise to break when we can say things normally without a promise too.

These were the thoughts of broken heart which I couldn’t ignore. I had to lose focus from my pain as priest had told me. I turned myself to literature. I began with Shakespearean tragedies: Romeo and Juliet, Antony and Cleopatra, Julius Caesar, Macbeth, Othello, Hamlet and King Lear. Few days passed easily but my pain increased more with tragedies. So I started reading his comedies and then his historical works. I also read other novels like Anna Karenina, War and Peace and Les Misérables. When I had enough novels, I read ballads and poems of Wordsworth. I came to know two things about the authors after reading all these, they were all lonely persons and their pen spoke louder than their tongue.

After novels I turned to science. I read all those things which kept me wondering throughout my life like theory of relativity, quantum mechanics, the big bang theory, time warps in black hole, the secret of DNAs etc. I didn’t know what I was trying to do but I kept on reading and reading. Almost two years had passed reading books but still I couldn’t lose focus from my pain. I needed something harder to deviate my attention. I started practicing self-penance. I tortured myself at night. I hurt myself so bad that my brain’s attention was deviated from my heart. Yes, it was really working. I used physical pain to reduce my heart’s pain.

As the priest had said I tried to focus on ultimate power but God has always confused me. In Bible it is said, “God created men in his own image”. I had no doubt in God’s creation of humans but the second part was beyond my scope to understand. I failed to see the image of God in rapists, murderers, terrorists and liars. I was sure some parts of men were created in absence of God that gave rise to evil within them. I had so many questions regarding God and no one could exactly answer them. So I turned to religious books to find my answer. I spent another year reading Bhagavad Gita, Ramayana, Shivpuran, Bible and Quran. I learned about stability of mind, power of consciousness, karma and relation between righteousness, materialism, pleasures and liberation. I was acquainted with seven deadly sins viz. Lust, Greed, Anger, Gluttony, Pride and Sloth and seven capital virtues to overcome them. I learned about salvation, repentance, forgiveness, love and power of body, mind and soul. I also came to know that all our deeds, good or evil, will be weighed in a balance, and our eternal destiny is based on whether or not our good deeds outweigh our bad ones.

Although there were many things that confused me, those holy books taught me to be a good person and to do the right thing. I started believing more in God and less in religion. My mind was so full of holy thoughts that I needed to take it out somewhere. I carried my thoughts in painting. I painted different forms of God in all religions. Then I combined paintings of all the forms of God and their teachings. I don’t know whether I was trying to bring harmony in all religions through my paintings or something else. I was just letting my continuous thoughts to flow. I also painted the beautiful view and temples of Pushkar town. I continued my amateurism for next one and half years and when I had nothing else to think of, I decided to paint something abstract.

I started my painting without thinking of any object or scene. I just wanted to paint this time with all my heart. I threw light brown color on canvass and started moving it with my non-dominant hand. It appeared as if I was drawing the face of Mount Abu. I drew curly lines which made it look like spiky bushes on the mountain. After few days when I had done a lot of shadings, my painting depicted a human face. It slightly resembled to the face of priest I had met in temple. I had not even a little idea what I was about to paint. I drew long hairs and enhanced the features of face. It took me a week more to complete my master piece. I had made the most beautiful person on earth, my wife. Of course I had painted with all my heart.

This is what a true love is. It never ends like universe. It starts with a bang and keeps on expanding forever. My love for her is never going to end too. I wish her opinion of love had remained same always. She used to feel we were connected in previous life, that’s why our souls found each other in this and we were going to be in love for all the remaining lives. I have never felt anything about the previous life but one thing I promise I will love her with all my heart in this life and many more in which I am yet to born. Who knows? She may feel my eternal love in one of those lives and be with me forever thereafter.

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