Locked Out

Creative Writing Competition 2012 India
CODE	665
SETTING	Sea Beach
OBJECT	Cell Phone
THEME	Remorse

SHE grimaced with pain as an elbow hit her ribs. Pushing through the crowd Swadha was finding it difficult to make it into the local train to Santa Cruz. Finally getting on to a compartment she felt like one of those cramped journals stuffed in the library of Pal and Associates. All through her journey she was accompanied by clip vendors, ladies cutting vegetables and ruthlessly bickering about daily affairs. However, in between all this she managed to stretch out her sore feet while trying to relax her back that felt broken from running errands at the law firm.

Mumbai was setting towards dusk and the hustle of the city was beginning to get to its peak. It was a fifteen minutes walk from Santa Cruz station to her apartment. She knew it would be difficult to hunt for an auto-rickshaw at such time and so decided to walk instead of getting into altercations. Fatigued as she was, Swadha reached her doorstep only to realize that she had been locked out.

“Hey Arpita I suppose I left the keys inside again. By what time would you be able to make it?”

It was her flat-mate Arpita whom she was calling. Arpita was not just a companion but also the only person Swadha considered family in the vast city.

“I am a little stuck in traffic sweetheart. I suppose it could take another hour or so,” replied Arpita sounding concerned.

“Hey that’s al right. Don’t rush. Just give me a call whenever you are about to reach. I’ll sit at some café till then.”

With a sigh Swadha slung the backpack to her aching back and walked towards the elevator. On her way to the nearby café her mind started to flood with ambivalent thoughts. All she sensed was chaos around her. She craved for some peace and her quest for the same led her to the beach.

As she walked unaware soaked in thoughts of trepidation, she was distracted by a voice.

“Excuse me could you move to the other side please, I suppose I dropped one of my lenses somewhere here.” It was a middle-aged lady dressed eloquently in semi-ethnic attire holding her spectacles in one hand.

Swadha had a blank look on her face. Her head still feeling foggy.

“Excuse me Ma’am,” said the lady, this time a little firmly trying to gain attention.

“huh…oh I’m sorry,” said Swadha snapping out of her thoughts. “Sure”.

“Excuse me,’ it was the lady again. If you don’t mind could you help me with it? Actually with one lens missing it’s difficult to locate the other!”

“Sure,” said Swadha still looking perturbed.

After she had found the lens, Swadha gently brushed off the sand before returning it.

“Thanks,” said the lady with a smile. “You’ve been really kind. By the way I am Alka.”

“Swadha”

“Swadha…Goddess Laxmi,” said Alka softly. “Beautiful name.”

Swadha smiled with gratitude. She also happened to notice that Alka’s calm persona strangely had a healing effect on her. Alka had something very pleasant about her. Her olive skin tone and big round eyes beautifully complemented her sweet Bengali accent.

“I know it may sound abrupt. But would you care for some coconut water? I was just heading to get some before I dropped my lens.”

Swadha felt a little hesitant but decided to follow her instinct. She somehow knew she was in good company.

They sat on a bench with the year 1993 engraved on it. Its anti queness showed from the cement crackling out of its corners. As they were taking sips of fresh coconut water, Alka broke the silence.

“This is the quietest part of the sea in Mumbai. It’s the best place to unwind.”

“So you come here often?” asked Swadha turning towards Alka.

“Yes whenever I am in Mumbai I do make it a point to visit.”

“Oh…so you are not from here?”

“Actually I have two homes one here and one in Kolkata. So I keep shunting.” She paused for a while then continued. “I am a writer and such places are a delight.”

“Wow a writer” exclaimed Swadha. “I guessed you had a creative streak.”

“Well most people in Mumbai do,” quirked Alka. “But I suppose you are not here for the same reason.”

“I’m sorry,” replied Swadha hesitantly

“I mean not here for any creative inspiration.” Alka’s eyes wandered as though in deep thought. “I suppose you’re here more on instinct.”

At this Swadha looked slightly away breaking eye contact. All she could do was to give an awkward smile that faded in seconds.

“Don’t worry,” said Alka reading the expression on Swadha’s face. “I am no psychic. Since I’m a writer I happen to observe people a lot.” Keeping her calm exuberance intact she continued. “Seeing you in an official attire looking so drained I presumed you either followed your heart to this place or were here to meet someone at a last minute call.”

“You are really good” said Swadha sounding relieved.

“Thanks” quirked Alka. “…and those high heel pumps are definitely a no-no for a walk on the beach!”

It was after a long time that Swadha had laughed. Her laughter had a distinct giggle that sounded more like a child’s chuckle.

They spoke casually for a while before Swadha’s cell phone started to distract her every five minutes. It was not Arpita but the legal firm she worked for as an Associate. She meticulously answered all the calls sounding alert, with all the specifications on her tips.

“I’m sorry” said Swadha.

“That’s alright. This generation works really hard!”

Both of them were now glaring at the sea, the sounds of the waves becoming more prominent as the night started to fall. There was a stretch of silence. However it was not an awkward one.

“I don’t know whether it would be appropriate for me to say this” said Alka gently brushing aside her hair scattered by the wind. “Don’t ever get locked out”

Swadha turned to her in astonishment while Alka continued to speak, still facing the sea.

“This world can be really chaotic and confusing only if you shut the door to your inner self so tight that the peace and stillness of your soul fails to reach you. Try halting for a bit and listen to your heart and you will get all your answers”

Swadha’s expression had now changed from astonishment to contemplation.

“Come,” said Alka gently patting on Swadha’s shoulders directing her towards the shore.

“Remove your pumps first,” she said as she took of her chappals. “You know the best way to experience the sea is through closed eyes.”

As Swadha shut her eye lids she felt a stroke of wind brush across her face. The sound of the waves gushed into her mind replacing the heaviness it was carrying from the day. The waves seemed to be playing ice-piece with her feet, gently kissing them as they went back and forth. A bright smile flushed her face releasing the creases on her forehead. She was now feeling completely elevated.

“So how does it feel?” whispered Alka.

At this Swadha took a deep breath and opened her eyes exhaling as though releasing a load of stress. The smile on her face looked more genuine than it ever had.

“Amazing…you know it feels like I’ve been spending unnecessarily on spa’s every weekend. Thanks.”

That night the cool breeze had given her a tight warm hug. Wrapping her in its embrace the twilight had whispered “it’s going to be alright.”

THE luke-warm sun rays gently patted her right cheek.

“Good morning ladies and gentlemen we will shortly be landing at Mumbai’s International Airport.” The airhostess helped Swadha with her seat as she struggled to open her peepers to the pilot’s announcement. She glanced out of the window her eyes still not wide open, trying to absorb the exuberant sky welcoming a new dawn.

It had been two years since Swadha had left Mumbai for completing her Masters at Oxford University, yet she didn’t feel slightly estranged by this massive city. It was the very place where she had lost and found herself again.  Mumbai had always been welcoming and so was Arpita. Arpita was now married to Sanjay a common friend of theirs and both of them had insisted on her staying along with them for the week she was in Mumbai.

The next morning on the balcony of Arpita and Sanjay’s ville parle apartment lay emptied tea cups, a paper stand, two low lying chairs, a tilted bean bag and quilts. The long flight had not deterred Swadha from spending hours with Arpita, chatting away. They behaved like two garrulous teenage girls being checked upon by Sanjay once in a while.

Despite the late night conversation Swadha broke out of sleep at around 5:45 am. She assumed it was the jet lag. However there was something that was making her anxious. She poured herself some steaming black coffee and stepped out into the balcony. It was a cool crisp December morning. Wrapping herself in a beige stole she straightened the bean bag and sat on it taking invigorating sips of coffee.

As she immersed in contemplation a sea of thoughts ran through her mind, mostly connected to her life in Mumbai. But one memory that pricked her the most was that of Siddharth’s.

“Was Arpita right with her assumption of her not wanting to move on because of him” wondered Swadha.

Soon a whirlpool of emotions erupted. Swadha could no longer hold herself. Her vision blurred with the pool of tears flooding her eyes. But it was not long before, that these tears transformed into disappointment, for her assumption of having let go had turned out to be a mere illusion.

Not wanting to sink into these feelings she grabbed on to the first newspaper that her hands caught as she ruffled through the paper stand. Disinterestedly turning the cold pages her eyes fell on a column titled “Echoes of the Sea- By Alka Roy”. Beside the column was a black and white photograph of the author. She immediately recognized it was Alka from the sea side.

IT was her last day in Mumbai before she left for her parents to Jamshedpur. On her way through sea-link to meet some friends over brunch she couldn’t keep her eyes off the ocean. Swept by its magnanimity she was only pulled out by an e-mail alert on her cell-phone.

It read-

“Dear Samaira

It’s lovely to have heard from you. Of course I recollect. It’s also nice to know that you have taken up Human Rights, an area of your interest. I am back from Kolkata and it would be wonderful if we could catch up. I will be at home this weekend relaxing, so drop by at any time.

Regards

Alka”

It was an unexpected yet awaited reply from Alka to an instinctive early morning e-mail which Swadha couldn’t resist sending. Below the e-mail were Alka’s contact details.

While planning her trip to Mumbai Swadha had found great difficulty in squeezing in all the people she intended to catch up with. However, she had never anticipated on meeting someone from a brief encounter years back. All through the brunch her mind fiddled with the question of whether she should cancel her evening plans and meet Alka instead.

At one of the traffic signals on her way back Swadha rolled down her window to buy some newspapers. As she glanced through the pages her eyes once again fell on “Echoes of the Sea”. The last lines read- 

“If only you could halt to feel,

the depth and stillness inside of me.

The chaos numbs this pleading soul,

the heart floods out as the eyes outpour

My vision blurs and I can no longer see,

If only you could halt to feel”

It was what was written below this that stumped Swadha. It read- “In memory of Late Siddharth Banerjee.”

“Ganesh please take the next turn for Juhu,” she told the cab-driver in a breaking voice.

She felt numb and confused. Every night since Siddharth had passed away she would cry herself to sleep, praying for a chance to reply to his last message. She had tried to delete his message several times, but would only end up holding on to the cell-phone tighter. Though Arpita was close to her she had failed to find a confidant in whom she could pour her heart out and let go. However, one person who had unknowingly provided her comfort was Alka. Not just that, she had also given her the courage to listen to her heart and take up a stream of her choice. This had perturbed her for a bit, but she had taken it to be a mere coincidence.

Her hands trembled as she proceeded to press the call bell of Alka’s Juhu apartment. The door was opened by an elderly lady who appeared to be the house-help.

“Please have a seat,” she said directing Swadha to the Drawing room. “I will go and tell madam.”

As her eyes wandered restlessly through the room they caught on to a huge portrait of Siddharth’s. Swadha walked closer to it as though wanting to say something. However, they just seemed to be staring at each other, only Siddharth smiling vibrantly while Swadha shed tears.

“Swadha,” said Alka softly not wanting to disturb the moment.

Swadha turned to look at Alka. “Boudi…it’s you.” “He would always speak of his Boudi in the US”. Her eyes were still dripping.

There was a lull before Alka gave a warm smile and went to give Swadha a tight hug. Swadha held on to her and burst out crying.

“Even after our relationship fell apart all that he had to say was that I was the best thing to ever happen to him, that he loved me and was sorry,” said Swadha holding on to Alka.

Alka took Swadha to a couch and tried to calm her down. Holding her hand she said-

“Siddharth may have been emotionally weak but he was strong in character. Having practised psychology I know of people who claim to love, but one setback in their lives and they take it all out on the person they alleged to have lived for.”

She paused with a sigh. Her eyes were now numb as she looked straight into Swadha’s.

“When I first saw you at the sea side, I just knew you were there for a reason. I recognized you from some photographs that he mailed me once. Whenever I would come from the US to visit him, we would go to the same sea side and spend hours talking.”

A slight smile creased Alka’s lips as she spoke of her kid brother.

“Do you know it was on the same bench that he for the first time told me about you? You two were in college back then.” She said with exhilaration. “As soon as I looked into your eyes I could see how lost you were. You merely existed busy running the rat race”.

“If only I could have stuck to him this would have never happened,” said Swadha remorsefully.

“No Swadha,” Alka interrupted instantly. “He was locked out and unlike you he didn’t open the door to himself. He didn’t have the time for anyone, not even himself. Any relationship requires time and nurturing and if it lacks the same it dies. If you couldn’t cling on to a dead relationship it doesn’t make you a bad person.”

Alka lovingly kissed Swadha’s forehead and said- “You know the reason i wanted to reach out to you was because I didn’t want you to damage yourself with guilt. I know you are the stronger one, but I felt a sense of responsibility.”

Swadha looked at her with amusement. “But how did you know?”

“Because” said Alka holding her hand “…I read the message he sent you through his phone. You were the only person he left a message for.”

She paused then continued. “…and not blaming you like most suicide notes do, but apologizing and telling you that he loved you. He cared for you Swadha and knew that while most of us would be left shattered, you were the only one who would not be able to let go.”

She looked at Swadha with a smile and then turned to Sidharth’s portrait saying “If you want to keep him smiling you need to set yourself free.”

On her way back Swadha asked Ganesh to drop her at sea-link. She walked the footpath observing the city’s gleaming lights, honking vehicles and people jogging. Yet despite all the movement there was something that felt calm inside of her. She took out her cell-phone opened Siddharth’s message and pressed delete without a blink. Doing this she leaned forward towards the ridge, taking a deep breath said- “Thanks Siddharth.”

__END__