MY DEAREST BELOVED

Whoever had the damn idea that Saturday nights were supposed to be party hours? Surely he/she did not know anything about the life of a doctor. Especially when she is a fresh widow……..

Life had never been easy on me. Not since my only love, my husband, Raghu passed away. It had been exactly six months and a fortnight since his demise. But the memory of that car crash and my love dying in my arms was still fresh in my mind. You would say it to be an irony- a surgeon’s husband passing away like that. Trust me. That was a guilt which weighed heavily on my mind- that I could not save my own husband. And it haunted me- ALWAYS. So I tried running away from it.

That day was no different. Saturdays sucked for me because it was the OP day. And the constant but ever increasing swarm of patients and their woes was still not able to distract me from my nagging thoughts. Every fresh wound, every stricken pale face reminded me of that night. And it was definitely not helping. I had to try and cope up.

And so that night, when I was deciding what to do with my life in our unit ward, my senior walked in.  “Still here?” he asked visibly surprised.

“Yes. Have to do follow up on some patients.  Then there is a casualty case walking in anytime soon. I have to be here”. Frankly, I just wanted to stay away from my haunted house- haunted with Raghu’s memories.

“You need to unwind”, he said sternly, “you have been distracted all day Megha. And you are tired all right.  You should go now, have a good rest and come back tomorrow to start afresh”.

I wanted to argue but there is no defying him- he had his famous scowl on his face and that meant no questioning him.  I nodded quietly and few minutes later I was out of the place and on my way back home- or my grieving place as it had been all these six months.

I had stopped driving a car – even though I had one. That incident had changed my perception about cars and their brakes safety standards. In spite of everything, I could never bring myself to drive myself back home. Luckily home is just close enough and it was not very late so I preferred walking. Sometime later, I reached my flat and I saw a very beautiful bouquet of light pink roses kept on my doorstep.  That brought a smile on my face- after a long time. Pink roses were my favourite and very few people knew about it. Raghu did. Oh Raghu! Again tears were back in my eyes. I quickly picked them up and went inside to let my entire vent up emotions free. I remember crying that night in my bed holding Raghu’s shirt close to me. This had become usual by now. This was my life.

Next morning, I woke up with the doorbell’s sound. Sh*t! It was nine o’clock. I had to go to…… okay! It’s Sunday. “I can go by ten thirty- no issue”. But the doorbell was impatient. Who was it? I rushed to open the door. It was the maid.

“Madam so rahin thi kya?” she looked worried.

“haan”, I said with a confused expression, “andar aayo”.

As I was going to my room suddenly she calls out, “Madam aapka ek letter bahar pada tha” and she gave me an envelope and went to the kitchen.

A Letter? That too on a Sunday? Is it a joke? I checked on the envelope. It read, “TO MY DEAREST BELOVED”.

Surely it was a joke. I tore open the envelope with disgust to see a beautiful card. Inside the card were written the lyrics from my favourite love song and “Hope you love the flowers. I love you a lot. HAPPY MARRIAGE ANNIVERSARY babe!”

It was true that today was supposed to be my second marriage anniversary but don’t people have their sense of humour intact? Is this how they will play jokes on me now? I threw the card on my bed and went in search of my maid. She was in the living room putting those pink roses in the drawing room vase. I snatched it from her and threw it away through the window. Then I growled at her, “card kahan se aaya? Kisne diya tumhein?”

“Madam card to bahar hi pada that jab mein aayi. Mujhe nahin pata kab aaya kaun laaya”, she replied with a frightened look. I realized that she was saying the truth so I went inside my room hurriedly only to let go those tears. Now even the world has made my misery the butt of all jokes. Oh God! Where do I go? I kept grieving as I started to get ready for my hospital shift.

That night, when I came back from my shift, again I saw a bouquet of flowers. This time it was an even bigger bunch of red roses with a letter stuck between them. I took them inside and opened the letter. It read like this,

“My Dearest Beloved,

I am sorry you thought that it was a joke. And I am sorry that you did not like the flowers. I thought pink roses are your favourite. But I know how to correct my mistakes and get my babe back. No one can detest red roses. Not even me. You are the first and only red rose of my life. I can’t stay away from you like you can’t. I love you a lot Megha. And I just want you to stay happy forever.

Yours and yours only,

Raghu”

I bet my face went pale- with horror at that moment. Raghu sent me a letter? How is it possible? Did I have a lunatic lover, an ex-boyfriend not yet over me? I could not remember. But I won’t throw these flowers now. Or a new bunch would come again. I had to find out who was behind all of this. I went down to check with the guard if anyone had come to my house with a bouquet of red roses. “nahin shaab”, he said, “koi nahin aaya upar”. Even the neighbours  were unsure about any visitor. Whatever it was, I was bound to find him anytime soon.

Several letters followed after this for the next three months. Even though I did not get the flowers anymore but occasionally there would be a packet of chocolate or two at the same place. And the contents of the letters grew eerier by the day. They urged me to move over the guilt of Raghu’s death and be happy. I was not very comfortable with the fact that someone should resort to harass me mentally using my dead husband’s name.

I even involved the police in this ring of events to nab the guilty sooner but you know how things are with the police these days. One of the officers even had the audacity to question my character and prove that it must have been from my lover that I might have had after my husband’s death. I was glad that I did not slap him hard on his face. My best friend, Aaradhya knew everything about these events and was trying to help me out. Then one day, this letter had again come. This time she was there with me.

“I don’t understand” I shouted in despair, “who is this person? Why is he after my life? Why does not he show up and insult me on my face instead of torturing me like this? Why put poor Raghu’s name in all this?” and I started crying yet again.

She tried to console me and when I stopped crying, she said in a serious tone, “I have a feeling”, and she went on, “is this letter paranormal?”

I looked up at her. “Paranormal? As in?”

“like from the real Raghu?” she said still very serious.

I could not believe it and started laughing like a lunatic, “from the real Raghu?  Raghu is not real Aara! HE IS DEAD! DEAD! How can he write me letters?”

“I am serious Megha”, she continued, “I believe there is a parallel paranormal world with us where there are spirits and powers unknown. If you are still getting those letters, then Raghu must be still hanging around somewhere. Maybe he has not left the world as of yet. Maybe he wants to talk to you for the last time”

I listened to her in disbelief and again started laughing like a lunatic. “the postings are going hard on you Aara”, I told her, “go get some sleep” and I left her in the drawing room to go to my bedroom. That night was the first time I had sleeping pills to get some sleep to escape from Aara’s words.

Weeks passed by but the letters kept coming. There was no trace to be found of the sender. It always started as “my dearest beloved” and ended with the name of Raghu. I was starting to believe Aara’s words that maybe Raghu is still not gone. He is around me. Following that night I had started taking sleeping pills daily to catch my night sleep. But their small doses weren’t helping me as I was still low on sleep. And it turned out to be true when one morning I felt I had seen Raghu at the hospital’s gate staring intently at me. I was sure by now that i was going sick. So,I started taking more of these pills in the night so that my work in the day is not hampered. But I started to feel him more and more- in my ward, my way back home, on my bed and even in my shower when I would bath.

I was sure I was hallucinating so I got myself checked by a psychiatrist. He had trouble believing my story and he felt that my guilt over my husband’s death was causing me to think of his live presence and he prescribed me some psychoactive drugs. I started taking them with the hope that now everything will be fine. But it was not to be. The more I had those drugs, the more I believed him to be around me. By this time, I had stopped sleeping with his shirt beside me and steadily I was growing more and more dependent on my sleeping pills. I decided to take a sick leave and went to live at Aara’s place for some time.

She was very supportive of me. But in spite of all her care and the psychiatrist’s medicines, Raghu’s spirit did not leave me and one day, I imagined him hugging me and kissing my forehead just as he did before his death. That was my breaking point. I went lunatic- I stayed in my room in Aara’s home- all dark and lonely. I was afraid to go out lest I should face him. I slept all day after having those “magic pills” and tried to calm my nerves until the point when I had half a bottle of it. I remember that after having them, everything was slowly growing blurred and I could feel my limbs growing cold and mouth growing dry. I felt finally I will be liberated from my sorrows and be with my Raghu. Nothing can keep us apart anymore. I saw myself walking through a white halo with the sea in the background and Raghu standing there for me. He looked too real to be true. But his smile and his arms stretched towards me could not stop me from running to his arms and tell him how much I loved him. I went to him and threw my arms around him and kissed him passionately.

“I love you”, that was the only thing I could think of saying to him. “please don’t go now. It’s difficult to live without you. Please”, I begged him.

He kept his forehead on mine and said, “I love you too sweetheart. But you have to go now”.

“I am not going anywhere now”, I cried, “and neither are you. I love you. We will be together. Let me stay here please”.

“I want to be with you babe”, he said, “I so want to be with you- in life. But I can’t be with you. You know I don’t exist for the world. But I am there for you always. I don’t belong here now. And I can’t go to my new place till you are unhappy”.

He bent on his knees and said, “Megha, you are the only women I have ever loved and it was a privilege to love and care for you. And as my last duty, I can’t leave you feeling unhappy and guilty over my fate. It was my destiny to die and not your fault”.

“but it was my fault”, I said tears rolling down my face, “I am a surgeon. I have spent my life studying medicine to save lives and I still could not save your life- the only life that mattered to me most. Do you realize how tough it was for me when I got the news of your crash? When you bloody died in my arms? I could not save you. I just could not” and there was no stopping this time. I went running away from him and tripped over a stone.

“Megha”, Raghu cried from behind and came to pick me up. I couldn’t face him and hid my face in my hands and started crying. He hugged me till I stopped sobbing. “I… won’t go and….. I won’t let…. You go too…. We are together now”, I said.

“we are together”, he said, “Always and forever. But you have to let go off me now……. Megha, what happened was not your fault. It was not my fault either. It is called fate. You have kept yourself unhappy over a mistake you never did. I can’t bear to leave you like that. I tried telling you so many times- through my letters and then I had to come down myself. But you medicine people don’t believe in anything but facts………. And here I am. If you love me, like I love you, you have to let go. Let go your guilt and move on. And remember I am always with you.”

He made me stand up and ordered, “and now, my girl will go back to her place and fulfill the goal of her life- saving lives. Promise me Megha.”

He looked at me earnestly. I looked back in his eyes. They had the same vivacity and they looked pleadingly at me with all their love. “yes”, the words came out of my mouth. He smiled and kissed me on my forehead, “I am your only my dearest beloved. I love you Megha. Always and forever.” and he let me go. I started tracing my way back with tears in my eyes, looking back towards his receding image into the white halo before me.

When I opened my eyes, I was lying on a hospital stretcher with my senior doctor’s blurred but worried face right over my face. I could hear a faint beep sound in the background. There were too many blurred images by me. One was of Aara. I heard a loud sound of relief and the words, “she is back. We brought her back” played around. And then slowly the voices around me died down.  I could feel the room was empty now. And I tried to recollect Raghu’s words and wondering what happened to me moments before. Was it real? And all that I could muster up was a lump in my throat, tears in my eyes and I heard myself muttering, “I love you Raghu. Always and forever………”

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