Love Short Story – I NEVER SAID “I LOVE YOU” TO MR. RAT
I NEVER SAID “I LOVE YOU” TO MR. RAT – Love Short Story
How long has it been? I think its eight or nine years already. In my twenty years of existence in this world, I’ve been both a winner and a loser in my life. I’ve been physically, emotionally, socially, mentally, and spiritually challenged. With God’s grace, I conquered some of those challenges, and became victorious; but unfortunately, I need to work on with some areas of my life. And falling in love is not an exception, do you agree with me? I know that every one of us at some point in our lives, had our FIRST LOVE, considering that it knows no gender, whether you’re a male, or a female, a gay or a lesbian. I don’t know if you can relate with this one, but one thing that I can assure you, this is a true love story of a person who cannot forget her first love until now, and that’s me……..
As far as I can remember, that was the first day of enrolment in high school when I first saw him. I’m about to enrol myself there and my mother went with me, just to assist me with all the requirements that I need to accomplish. Actually, I opted to study in a different school after graduating from elementary, but one of my brothers contradicted my decision, because of financial reasons. So, to make the long story short, I enrolled myself there, forgetting my first choice of school. Before the enrolment process, I’ll never forget that moment when I saw a boy who’s standing in the middle of the school ground, wearing a smile on his face. He’s actually smiling to somebody else and I cannot see the face of that person he’s smiling with because of the trees that’s covering him/her. I couldn’t explain why my heart suddenly beat faster and at that instance, he became my first ever crush in high school.
I told myself, “I want to know his name”, “I want him to be my classmate” and “I want to know him as a person”
…and I don’t know why those things came into my mind. I’ll admit he’s cute and what can you expect from an eleven- year-old girl like me? I believe it’s just normal for my age to have a crush, right?
Anyways, I don’t know if that was just a coincidence, but all of those actually turned into reality. In the first day of school, when we’re lining up for the flag ceremony, I saw him again. And when we were called one by one for our different sections, I was surprised that we’re classmates. I’m so excited for the introduction part inside the classroom, and there…I was able to know his name…and I’ll just call him Mr. RAT….
Since the first day was just all about the orientation about high school life and getting to know each other thing, and with all the excitement and mixed emotions; obviously, we’re not yet ready for the actual lessons…. But then, as the days went by, I came to know him, and little by little I get so disappointed by his attitude. It’s a turn off that he’s very naughty, noisy and hate girls especially me. By the way, I have a boyish personality, considering that I grew up with six brothers and most of my comrades in elementary were boys. I don’t understand why every time he teases me, instead of getting angry and to fight back, I’ll just sit on one corner and just keep all the emotions that are going to explode if left uncontrolled.. And I’m not aware that I slowly like him that way, and it went on for a year.
When we’re in sophomore, we’re still on the same class, and he has a freshman girlfriend but they broke up when we’re in junior year, and there’s a particular person to whom I have a crush also. I call him Mr. C. and he’s one of his closest friends. He’s the total opposite of Mr. RAT. This particular guy was an achiever since elementary, he’s very friendly, talented, and has leadership skills and there’s so many girls in the campus who have a crush on him, even in our class. But I’m not saying that Mr. RAT has no brains, if given a chance, he could be a responsible student too, and he has a lot of admirers too, it’s just that I’m still confused by my feelings….
One day, unexpectedly, Mr.RAT told me a secret… and I’m not sure if he’s just making fun of me or just playing around. He confessed that Mr. C has a crush on me and to my friend Ms. J. At first, I doubted him, since it’s his expertise to make stories most of the time…but there was a time when two of my friends Ms. R and Ms. JY shared something about me, that every after school, Mr. C is always asking them if I went home already or I’ve got home safely. I started to think that maybe he’s really concerned about me and that Mr. RAT is really telling the truth. In relation to that, I never thought that Mr. RAT and I will become close to each other. I don’t know if something happened to him that he stopped teasing me and I, on the other hand opened up to him that I have a crush on Mr. C.
When we’re on our junior year, I realized that I have a lot of competitors when it comes to Mr. C. and honestly, the latter never confessed his true feelings towards me. In fact, Mr. RAT’s cousin, Ms. K, has a great affection for Mr. C. and I’m afraid that’s one of the reasons why I gave up whatever feelings I have for Mr. C. But somehow, he’s been a good classmate and friend to me. I find it funny though, because in my desperation to escape from falling in love to Mr. RAT, and to avoid getting hurt in the process, I consciously diverted my attention to Mr. C, when in fact in my heart; it’s always been Mr. RAT. How could I forget that boy in the middle of the school ground? Guess what? I made a poem and composed two songs for him. The poem has fifteen stanzas, because it has something to do with his birthday, and every stanza comprise of six lines which stands for the letters of my name. Can you imagine what I did after that?
I’ve entertained the possibility of falling in love to somebody that I used to hate before. I’m caught off guard and Mr. RAT found out that I have a crush on him since first year, and you know the feeling of going to school every day with the knowledge that the whole campus knows the truth? And it all started when I told one of my friends about it. I was just completely shocked when the news spread in the entire campus that fast. How could I face Mr. RAT? I don’t have any choice at all but to pretend as if nothing happened, and the real pain started to set in.
“Action speaks louder than words”, and I obviously fought for it, even if he’s already taking advantage of my feelings for him. I couldn’t blame him in one way or another. There’s no doubt that I looked so stupid not just in front of him but in front of other people. Whenever we need to copy our lessons in our different subjects, he will just ask me a favor to copy notes for his notebook; and will bribe me with all his beautiful compliments like, “you know, you have a good penmanship”. And since I want to impress him, I would willingly copy notes for him, and would never complained about it, even if my hands were already tired and pale, with redness, etc. of copying for both his notes and mine. In the first place, I chose to be in that situation, right? And it all continued until we’ve reached our senior year.
There was a time that I told myself that I have to stop doing all those crazy stuffs for him, but I can’t simply do it. In fact, all of my friends and classmates keep on telling me to wake up to the reality that he will never learn to love me, he simply pities me, and he is just using me for his own convenience. Things didn’t turned out good after that since during that time, I’m starting to gain accomplishments from extra- curricular activities, and my friends slowly leaving me, and even spreading gossips about me, destroying my name, and my credibility at school. Half of the class starts hating me for no apparent reasons and it seems that it’s a scenario of “I against the world”.
I even came to a point of giving up school. I can’t endure the pain of betrayal from friends and classmates who backbites me, the heartaches that Mr. RAT gave me, the family problems that I’m facing, and whether you believe it or not, I almost think of making suicide plans because of depression…. That was the darkest moments in my life….. But in those moments of hopelessness and helplessness, I drew strength from God. I prayed fervently to Him to give me something or someone to hope for, a reason to live and God never failed me…and one of my friends Ms. N, who stayed by my side encouraged me to continue schooling because she knows that education is very important on my part, and I must treasure that, and that I must never give up just because of what happened to me.
At least somehow, negatives things subsided, and here comes the JS PROM…and I never imagined that I and Mr. RAT will be chosen as the hosts of the said event. There’s scarcity of words on my part upon knowing that we will be partners in hosting that PROM. I set aside whatever bitterness and pain I’m experiencing as of the moment and dealt with him professionally. Actually, he’s just my third dance at the PROM. My first dance was my classmate Mr. JN who’s been my classmate since kindergarten. My second dance is Mr. JR, my cousin and my classmate since kindergarten. Do you know who his first dance is? Another close friend of mine…you remember Ms. N? I don’t like the idea that dancing with Ms. N was his way of asking for an apology, because he said something insulting to Ms. N a few days prior to the PROM. So there, they danced in the middle, and as usual, I have to endure the pain of watching them dancing while I’m dancing with another person. I don’t have any right to be jealous, right? But I just can’t ignore that feeling. Lord, please help me to overcome this one again……
When we’re in our senior year, one of my closest friend, Ms. A, became his girlfriend. I was terribly hurt, because that friend used to be someone whom I can call “my listening ear” and “my shoulder to cry on”. She used to be one of those few persons who keep on encouraging me to fight my love for Mr. RAT, only then that I found out that she has feelings for him. When Mr. RAT was still courting her, I accidentally saw them talking inside our classroom. Actually, that was when we had our cultural contest at school, and I’m representing our class for an English declamation. My things were left inside the room, I’m really thirsty and since the competition hasn’t started yet, I want to get my bottled water. I stopped for a moment when I noticed that the door is locked, but the windows are open and I heard voices of two people having a conversation. I stared at the window, hoping that they can open the door for me, but I saw Mr. RAT and Ms. A inside the room. They didn’t saw me because they’re turning their back while talking. I hurriedly left that building with a broken heart. I feel so betrayed that time. Oh God! How could I fall so deeply to a person who doesn’t deserve every teardrop in my eye?
One day, at school, we received the news that Mr. RAT’s father died of cardiac arrest. His father just came home from abroad for a vacation, and a few days after his arrival, he was brought to the hospital; but it was too late. There’s my sympathy for their family, since that was not an easy time for grieving for a loss of their breadwinner. Our class had an opportunity to visit him at their house to give our condolences. I never dared to glance inside the coffin, because I don’t want to burst in tears. Another shocking revelation, few weeks before that, my mother told me that his father was a good friend of my father. Imagine that! Before we went home, he thanked the whole class for the concern, and what touches me the most, was when he personally thanked me. I don’t want him to notice that I was about to cry, so I nodded and turned my back, and tears began rolling down my face. All I can say, I can feel his pain even if he’s not saying anything. Of course, I know that at that time, he really needs comfort and understanding. I want to embrace him and tell him that God has a purpose why that incident happened to their family. But I don’t have the guts, and maybe he doesn’t need that, after all he has a girlfriend who can do that for him.
And so, I accepted another challenge…and that is to have a boyfriend before graduation, silly, right? I don’t want to feel out of place anymore, and so I had a one month relationship with Mr. P, and he’s one of Mr. RAT’s closest friends too…. every after school, he will be there to ensure that I got home safely, we will walk together from school and have casual conversations. And there was one time, that we passed by Mr. RAT, he will just smile towards Mr. P, and I’m not even looking at him. He knows it, he’s perfectly aware that I don’t love the guy, who cares? It’s not part of his business anymore…I know that Mr. P don’t have any feelings for me too… that’s why I decided to broke up with him after a month.
And finally, it’s graduation time! I think I’m one of the happiest of the graduates because at last, I’ll leave that school even with a heavy heart. And let’s not forget the fact that we’re not in good terms by some of my friends and classmates, and even after the event, we didn’t settle for reconciliation. I didn’t even have the opportunity to talk things with Mr. RAT, I guess, he’s not even interested about it. When I turned my back to that school, I’m proud of myself, because I surpassed all those trials that I encountered. I left those bad memories there, together with my wasted feelings for Mr. RAT, hoping that I can start a new life again.
God moves in mysterious ways indeed! We need to move out after graduation because I have to go to college. My mother, my brother and I transferred to a nearby city, and my father and some of my brothers were left at home. One of my brothers decided to work abroad to finance my studies. I took up nursing in one of the prestigious Universities in that city, not because I wanted to be a nurse, but because they wanted it. I’m really hopeful that I can enter the masscom society, and if not I’ll take up education, because teaching is really my passion. Nevertheless, I still accepted the challenge of being a nurse, and I have to give up my first choice of career/s. No matter what happens, for me, family is still the most important.
I heard the news that Mr. RAT entered a maritime school instead of taking up nursing. You know, when we’re in high school, I remembered, he answered a slum book of my friend, and I had the chance to read its contents. He wanted to take up nursing in the same university where I’m going to study right now. That was when his father was still alive. After his father’s death, his mother decided to send him to a maritime school instead of letting him to take up nursing, considering the fact that financing a student nurse is not a joke, and his father ‘s no longer there to support his dream.
What a twist of time! Who would have thought that I can study to a University? It should have been him taking up that course, but as what I’ve said they’re not financially stable already. My first year in college wasn’t easy at all. I tried my very best to find a reason to love nursing. In my search for that reason, I got a text message from Mr. RAT in an unexpected time. I don’t know where he got my number, but that was the start of our constant communication in college. At first, I refused to reply to his messages, but I think that was a humble beginning for us to discuss things between the two of us. I always make sure that he’ll get invited every time we have important events at school and vice versa. He even attended our freshmen night, and we talk things from time to time, but I often avoid talking about love. I know that he doesn’t have a girlfriend that time, because he already broke up with Ms. A before he went to college. I don’t want to give false hope to myself. I’ve exerted a lot of effort in diverting my attention to my studies instead. I don’t know what our status is, we still continued our communication, and we even watch a movie together. He still attends to some of the events at school.
In that short span of time, I’ve got to know him more; I’ve discovered that he’s a good person, a responsible son, and a loving brother. He actually send me a message over the phone, telling me that he gets so affected during those times when Mr. P’s courting me, and when I finally said yes. I’m so destructed about that message. I can’t even concentrate on my lessons because of that. There was one instance that I went to his boarding house, and I made a very tough decision. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and at first I was really shocked. I don’t know what to say, because I find it very confusing. I still have doubts that he doesn’t really love me. In the past, he used to reject me and even took me for granted. How come all of a sudden, he wants to be my boyfriend?
I’m pretty sure that if I’m not that strong enough, I would definitely say yes, but I didn’t. For so many years, how I’ve waited for that moment when finally he’ll confess his feelings towards me. Do you know what he said?
“I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you in the past. I know you’ve suffered really hard because I just took you for granted. I LOVE YOU and I was a fool for so long”.
And I was like, why are you saying these things to me now? I can’t believe what I’ve just encountered. Will I give him a chance or I’ll test him first? I don’t get it why I suddenly want revenge. But I chose to follow my brain over my heart. I should be wiser this time, because if he’s really sincere about it, he will wait for me and for the right time. I promised myself that I’ll not enter into an intimate relationship not until I graduated from college, passed the board exam, and find a stable job.
I told him, “I’m not yet ready to have a boyfriend right now, because my family and my studies are my priorities. I don’t want to disappoint my brother who’s working very hard just to support me, not to mention how expensive my tuition fees are. If we’re really meant for each other, I know we’ll still end up together”.
And there was silence; I can’t make a guess on what’s running on his mind. He didn’t reply that he will wait for me then… he just asked if I have plans of going abroad in the future.
I said, “I’m not sure about it. Maybe, if I’ll be given an opportunity, I’ll just grab it.”
And I went home; I think its better that way. While I’m riding on a public vehicle on my way home, I came to my senses realizing that I really regret saying those things to him. Did I hit his ego? Was it so tough? Upon reaching the house, I changed my mind. That was quick, what do you think? I send him a message, saying that I should have said that I want to be his girlfriend and that I’m ready to face the challenge of balancing my studies and love life. Do I realized, what I just said? Oh, I don’t know how to stand up for my own principles.
Now it’s his turn to reply….” If we will have a commitment, I’ve realized that I cannot give you all of my time, since I’m busy at school and you’re so preoccupied with your studies, and our relationship will never work out as of now. You’re actually right, if we’re really meant for each other, we’ll still end up together”….Ouch! Does it hurt? It’s as if I just received a slap on my face….
After a week, I still can’t move on with what he said and I’ve made another stupid thing……I disguised myself as Mr. M, and I used another phone number to send him love quotes. After sending him about five love quotes, he replied and asked my name. I told him,
” I’m Mr. M, and I’m a friend of (my real name), I want to court her but I want to ask for your permission. She’s very important to me, and I want her to have somebody who will love her wholeheartedly and will fight for her”.
He said, “Dude, can I ask you a favor? If you are really his friend, please do everything in your power to help her forget me. I don’t want to hurt her anymore. I’m not entitled to give you my permission in order to win her, but please take good care of her. She doesn’t deserve me in the first place”
…..it’s a double ouch! If only he knew that he was actually sending those messages to me. That I’m that Mr. M, and I honestly expected a different reply from him. That was so painful, I must admit.
My only reply, “thanks dude; I’ll keep that in mind!
Another week passed and I gathered all my strength to tell him the truth. I send him a message again telling that I disguised myself as Mr. M, for me to discover his true feelings for me. And the worst reply from him was, “I’m going to tell you the truth too….I thought it was love, real love, but it’s not. You’re just like a sister to me…” It’s not a triple ouch….it’s like an infinite ouch!!!!! I simply replied: “okay God bless to your future career then, I guess we’re not really meant for each other…. That was strike three already. I failed to get the home run. And I literally feel that I was going to run away from home, I want to throw my phone, I want to shout my heart out until I lose my voice. I’m telling you guys, that was my worst nightmare of all!
I cried really, really hard. I poured out all the emotions that I could possibly express inside my room, where no one can see me aside from God. Everything in the past suddenly flashed back on my mind. I can still remember that boy that I saw in the middle of the school ground. That boy, even if he was not my first dance, still he was my first crush, my first love, and my first pain. What is with him that I made a fool out of myself? If only my eyes looked in a different direction during that enrollment day, I should have never seen him; I should have never fallen in love with him. Maybe, I should have been happy, and not in this hurting situation right now. But, as what they say, everything happens for a reason.
After that incident, he still sends me a friend request in facebook, and I accepted it, but after a month, I removed him as one of my friends there. I think it would be better for us to stop whatever communication we have, so that it would be easy for us to move on with our individual lives. I deleted his phone number, I burned the duplicate copy of the poem that I made, and I deleted another copy from my laptop. What are left were the original copy of the poem, and the copies of the two songs that I composed for him when we’re in high school. I still want to keep those things, in order to remind me that once in my life, I’ve been there…But I found out that the original copy of the poem is not intact anymore, the last three stanzas of it got lost. Its okay, at least I experienced how to love and be hurt, which made me both a winner and a loser.
I managed to continue my life and my studies despite of everything that happened to me. He still served as one of my inspiration in finishing my course. I graduated from college, and I recently passed the board exam and made my family proud of me. He was able to graduate also and I think he’s working in a navigational ship right now, and I’m currently waiting for a chance to process my initial registration to be a registered nurse.
If I look back to my life nine years ago, I would say, I’m a great survivor! I know it’s not yet the end for me because in my heart and in my mind, God prepared the right man for me. I know that it will be worth the wait and someday, somebody will just come in the right place at the right time. He will be the one who will love me, the real me, and will accept everything about me and about my family. And finally, I can utter the words, “I LOVE YOU”, because no man aside from my brothers and friends ever heard that from my own mouth, even my ex-boyfriend Mr. P, and even my first love, because I never said, I LOVE YOU, to Mr. RAT.
In my life, I fell in love with someone else, and I’ve got hurt in the process and in the end it still depends upon me, whether to save myself or not. Because sometimes, we’ve got the right answer for the wrong question, but most of the time, we’ve got the wrong answer for the right question. This is my true love story; I hope you’ve learned something from it.
__END__
