“Silent talk”- With the power of each breath

“The crying of a new born baby puts a smile on everyone’s face but my arrival came with silence. The emptiness of my heart put solitude in my thoughts. Every day I die in my own world, born with the hope that someday my soul can ask this simple mere question from the almighty god –why?

Why did you make me a silent whisperer? Why hasn’t my voice echoed and expressed my pain? Why has my voice lost its breath? Why is my scream not even audible to you? Why do embittered feelings haunt me and make every night equinoctial for me? Why am I being drowned in my own darkness? Why have you hexed me? Why has this chronic reticence stung my life? Can’t you see my pain?

My life is surrounded by full of trivialities and pedantic things. Right from my birth, you have kept talking from me. When I was born, you took my voice. When I was 6, you took my parents. When I was 13, you took my grandparents and now in 3 days I will be 15 and you are giving me the pain of a lifetime as a birthday gift by taking my home which was full of memories, the memories of my past, of my silence and grievances , the memories of my childhood and my existence, Where the last  memories of my parents and Grandparents resides but because of all your  extreme kindness and politeness, from tomorrow there will be no home for me. I will be homeless!

The curse of your kindness and benignity has boomeranged on me again. What kind of almighty are you? When I was a child my Granny used to tell me, God is blissful, existent, omniscient and eternal. He keeps an eye on everyone’s happiness and sorrow and helps their children if he finds anyone in pain. But now I understand these are all worthless beliefs, you are nothing but a brown laced statue.

There is no difference between you and an inscribed tombstone, each one is used only for Dead memories. Your omnipresence is nothing but a few inches of space in everyone’s house. Your eternity is nothing but increasing internal pain which will last forever, You are simply a myth. Earlier I was agnostic but now I am an atheist.I’ve been trying to make friends since the first grade, all that got me was the pain of rejection. I’m just another kid who takes up space in class rather I say everywhere; I am just a girl who has no shadow.”

 

This was one of the pages of Anvesha’s diary, which I found today on my classroom’s where she accidently left it. Her sullen soliloquies. Anvesha is a girl whom I have watched everyday with the tail of my eye. The laconism of her sufferings, her strong emotional grudge, her unjumbled and untangled feelings vociferously tell her painful story. All that she had was lost, and the few remaining things she owned were soon to be taken away from her.

I started flipping the pages of her Diary, every page describing the scream of her silence which burdened my soul. Reading all of this I started to experience a sudden, unique and recurring silence within myself. I kept on reading and flipping through her pages, I was somehow becoming attracted to her. All my life I have never seen such a brave girl . Even with all of the pain she always has a smile on her face. That night I didn’t sleep, all I could think about was her. How, when she was about to be homeless, could I give her her smile back for her birthday? This question was making me uncomfortable; I just wanted to help her at any cost.

The next morning I woke up early and went to school so that I could watch her before school and return her diary but she didn’t show up that day. Till then I had yet to talk but on that day her absence was killing me. I was feeling so lonely and unaccompanied. At recess, I found Sadhvi, her bench mate and her only friend, and asked

“Where is your best friend, Anvesha?”

“Why the sudden concern for her”, she replied hesitantly.

“Nothing, just wanted to wish her happy birthday”… I replied nonchalantly..

“Have you had a chance to talk with her” I asked.

She was stunned by my answer which was visible in her eyes. She quickly asked

“How the hell you did know that today is Anny’s birthday” she cackled.

I was surprised, I didn’t expect such an angry response from Sadhvi.

“Did you find the diary she lost yesterday?” she yelled.

My face started turning red and I was at a loss for words, my body language gave me away and she quickly guessed that I had.

“Where is it?” She pointed her finger at my chest and demanded.

“In my protective hands”, I replied calmly.

“What?”

She asked trying hard to conceal the raging curiosity still evident in her voice. Sadhvi felt that she knew everything about her best friend and I knew that the only person who could help me was Sadhvi. So without delay, I told Sadhvi everything I had learned about Anvesha from her suffering to her anxiety. Sadhvi was astonished by my answer. I could see how much she cared and loved Anvesha.

She had always treated her till now as her sister, her eyes filled with tears, she did not know most of the things which I told her about Anvesha. After hearing all this, all she was doing was crying and praying for Anvesha. I could feel her caring and lovingness for her. She didn’t reply when I asked for her help, all she could do was cursing herself for not truly knowing her best friend all these years, when I asked for her help again, she nodded her head and with her voice barely above a whisper she said yes.

As soon as the bell rang, we both headed for Anvesha’s house. What we saw there, was beyond our imagination, a girl sitting before a façade with a pendant in one hand and a portrait in another. She was shaking like a leaf, appearing nervous and scared, tears were streaming down from her face and falling onto her portrait, she looked so innocent and vulnerable. She looked as if she had lost all hope and was incredibly, indescribably lonely. It felt like she was living her life behind Plexiglas walls.

Sadhvi sat beside her, held her hands and hugged her. She didn’t say a word, but I could feel that their souls were talking; their hearts were entangled and feeling each other’s emotions and pain at that moment. She stuttered every time she tried to speak, sometimes so badly that she would bite her tongue and lips. I too wanted to console her but being a stranger I didn’t dare break their lovely caring bond, so I just stood beside them. When that mesmerizing moment was over, Sadhvi introduced me.

I too consoled her by saying- ” it’s just another low, all will be fine soon”

and then I gave Anvesha her memories back. She smiled and thanked me by making her eyelids down. I experienced what she was going through. No one can paddle away from the memories, they will keep floating back, again and again and again.; Anvesha was not ready to leave, the memories of her childhood holding her in place, her ideal place where she had spent rattling years, where all her yesteryears were buried deep were no more belong to her anymore; all those memories would be lost that left her sad and lonely.

Somehow we managed to convince her to move on and let those memories release their hold on her. I picked up her belongings and accompanied her to Sadhvi’s house. When we arrived, I wanted to tell Anvesha what was in my heart but I knew that it just was not the right time. I took her hand in mine to shake, that simplest of touches unleashed an untold emotion that maddened the strings of my heart.

That night I couldn’t sleep. I tried but lost the battle with my thoughts as my heart was entrapped in her irrepressible magnetism. I was deeply, madly and truly in love with her. I was melted by her unmatched splendour which was just breathtaking.

The next day I went to school early so that I could see her smiling face from the main gate but all my expectation went in vain. That day she looked so different, her charm and ravishingness had lost its power, she was looking dull and sluggish, she had totally lost her liveliness. I waved my hand but she didn’t notice. So I went just near to her and sat on a bench just behind her. I continuously started watching her, this continued till the recess but she didn’t pay any attention, all she was doing was looking into her textbook.

As the bell rang, she and Sadhvi moved to the ground for taking lunch, I too followed them. What I saw were so pious and pure feelings. Sadhvi was sharing her bread but she was neglecting the proposal as there was only 4 bread, So I grabbed the opportunity and offered my lunch but they neglected in a unison, but I assured them I was not at all hungry because I had a stomach ache and if I didn’t complete the lunch in my recess then my mom will scold me for that, so please help me.

My few acting skills and low tone helped me in getting their confidence. I thanked God for that. After that incident we became good friends. We often shared lunch, spent so much time with one another, and did lots of crazy stuff. Being a topper of the class Anvesha often guided me in my study. She made me understand everything without saying a word.

Sometime I often faced difficulties in understanding her sign language then at that moment Sadhvi acted as a translator for her. We were so much enjoying each other’s company. And Anvesha, also gaining her strength, was starting to realize her importance in this world. The vivacious charm of her face also came back. She started enjoying her life.

Now her insides started matching with her outsides. She started feeling that she, too, could succeed. She was no longer afraid to be herself. She was no longer ashamed of who she was. She started to trust people. She felt younger and included. She felt worthy and unique. Now she started enjoying every moment of her life which brought her confidence back on her face. Thanks to a beautiful twist of fate that she again became a theist, she was not a puppet of her own thoughts anymore.

Everything was changed, now the every pages of her diary indicated inspirations and endeavour of her inner strength and zeal. Whenever she wrote anything new, she would show it to me first . I became the first critic for her writings. As our 12th board was approaching, she became too much busy in the studies; she spent most of the time with books.

I had only 2 months left as after the board exams my family would shift to America, and during that period I had to tell her how much I loved her all these years, in every second of day and night, in every day of autumn to spring, in every cold glass of water to a hot summer day, in every sadness to happiness, in my hunger to an endless aching need, I even  love more than anyone who ever loved his beloved one, the only thing which was flashing every time on my mind was her angelic beneficence. So I talked with Sadhvi regarding the same before talking to her. Sadhvi was very happy after hearing this. She too wanted the same.

“Will you make her happy throughout her life?” She immediately questioned

“Whatever set of circumstances comes, I will never leave her alone. All I want is to be her strength throughout her life, nothing else.” I replied …

“What a sister can expect other than a caring soul mate for her sister, the only thing which I want from you, a promise?” She asked …

“Promise about what?” I replied back.

Her voice started trembling; the love for her could be easily visible in her eyes.

“Love her, define her, outshine her, be her hope, be her smile, be her dreams but never confine her. Make your relation timeless, space less  formless, unshakable and unbeatable.”

She suggested me genuinely.

“Will do the same as you suggested to me”,I promised her.

As time passed so did our relation. I was more close to her; she started sharing everything with me, keeping our relationship so open and healthy. She too loved me but she never expressed anything when I tried, she just changed the topic. I told her everything what my family had decided for her future but she ignored. There was something which bound her thoughts, so she neglected it every time whenever I discussed these things.

As soon as the calendar hit March month, a unique aura of silence prevailed in my colony. Everyone was busy in reading; not a single student was visible at that time. There is only one day left for the beginning of the examination, I was standing near the window and enjoying the picturesque view of the Mother Nature. I was at the acme of my thoughts, suddenly I saw Anvesha, approaching towards my home.

She was looking extremely gorgeous and flawless with her raven and thin dark tawny black butt length straight hair and sparkly honey eyes, her skin is as white as snow. Her Figure looks ideal. She seems the picture of perfection, her red chubby lips looked like having been blessed with a natural rose blush and when she smiles, it lightens up my heart, when she walks, time itself does not dare to continue its perpetual journey in the presence of such a breathtaking beauty, she is an Apsara who took only birth on earth for me; Her elegant and appealing beauty making me crazy, all I was realized that I was dreaming. I pinched myself and started laughing for my foolishness.

I had only 3 days left to make her fall for me. I was very much tensed; I was experiencing three pressures simultaneously. The first one was how I can convince her, second was my board exam and third was obviously due to great atmospheric pressure. So before the last exam I went to Sadhvi’s home so that I can convince her one more time but she had made up her mind, she was not at all ready. She didn’t want to leave Sadhvi and her family members.

When my every effort went in vain, I was totally depressed and was going back to my home, I saw her diary; the only thought running in my mind was that I started my journey of love by reading this diary, so I wanted to finish it with the same. So I took her diary without saying anything to her. As this is my last chance, and I needed the arrow of a cupid. I put every emotion on her diary …

“This is for you my angel: Love you until sun loosened its hotness or India becomes corruption free, so my dearest love Doc, being a patient I am trying to open my heart… “Save me or kill me.”

“We started our journey as a stranger, after a month we became friends, and at last we became best friends. I know sometimes my words reflect a sense of lucidity and the essence of idiocity. We develop intriguing feelings amongst ourselves which we love to cherish and do not let it go down. When I am with you I feel a deeper level of understanding, trust and affection. The pure and an unconditional love of your presence make me happy every time. We have come a long way, we`ve grown up, changed, had fights, lied, and probably everything anyone could think of.

But the best part is we are still friends. But I know Time has come that if I didn’t speak today, I will loose everything. I don’t know what my future holds, but I’m hoping you’re in it. I want to become your strength as you have been mine.There is never a boring moment in my heart when I am with you. These year’s/days/months/hours/min have been some of the best phases of my life.

Every time we hang, talk, I will cherish those moments for the rest of my life or is one in a trillion moments. You are the one I can truly trust with everything that I own because that’s where our relation has taken us and I could never ask anyone else other than you, and I would never change it. I will always be there for you through thick and thin and that’s a promise. You know I will always be there for you and I will always be the shoulder to lean on, if you need me I am a phone call away. You are the most genuinely nice girl I’d ever meet. You are hilarious and extremely kind. You are quirky, caring and beautiful both from inside and outside. A cold and mysterious vibe emits from you.

I promise to hug you tight when you’re lonely, I promise to wipe your tears when they fall and I promise to keep you, not for the rest of my life but for the rest of yours because you are everything to me. It’s hard for me to wait around for you when I know it might not happen, but it’s even harder for me to give up when I know you’re everything I’ve ever wanted. You are my destiny. a few lines for you my angel…

Bright and talented Eagerness to learn, abound

The one with the sweet golden curls

You’re not like this world So innocent and naive

You’re like a little, lost pearl So precious and pure

And so very rare I thank god for I’m very lucky

To meet a girl that’s very lovely

I never get weary of looking at your face

Cause by just a glance I could feel god’s grace

I physically feel your torment

It washes over me And with every sigh and sad smile

I want to remedy The joy of us being together

Couldn’t be better We have each other

From one day to another Allow me to go and take you for a start

And let you know you have captured my heart

Please give me a chance to tell you

That my heart has been shouting I love you.

These are not just mere words which expressing my love but these are my relief, my hope, my sense of possibility, my feeling of belonging, my overwhelming sadness and ache for the beautiful girl whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life. If you ever loved me and want me forever, I will be waiting for you. My flight will take off at 6 PM. ”

I cried the tears of ecstasy and expressed everything. The next day I didn’t show up to her and come out early as soon as my examination ended. I handed that diary to Sadhvi and requested her to take care of Anvesha and left. I don’t know after that what happened. What I remember is my angel was running towards me when I was about to fly out. She came and hugged me tightly and we did a passionate kiss for which I received a slap from my father and I became a laughing stock of the airport.

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