I don’t know what to do, I think, I should run away from here, Or might be I should try suicide, yes, it is a good idea, I should try suicide, might be it is the right time to do so, might be nothing is left for me now in this huge world, might be I don’t deserve to live now, yes, okay, I will suicide, It is certain, I want to die, I have to die, I will die. Victoria was sitting in her living room on her favorite sofa set and was in dilemma.
Victoria was the young girl of 18. I am not telling her surname and like specific details because they are of no use to the story. She has opted for engineering for further studies. She was quite a still girl, not much expressions and emotions were seen on her face or in her body language. She was always found quiet, anywhere and everywhere, just quiet. She spoke very less, couldn’t express herself and was centered around a misery.
After all this too, she was considered to be the ‘good girl’ of the class. There is much more to say about her personality but no one ever knew her that much. She wanted to be the same for everyone except for the one. There was a guy in her class of the same surname as her and who was able to attract her in the very first meeting. No, not even meeting, she was attracted to him since she had laid eyes on him. Somehow, she knew that this guy is going to make her first and then break her.
However, she continued to talk to him, she used to converse him, she used to feel his hands typing those ‘i love you’ texts, she used to imagine him in her house sometimes she could really see him sitting next to her in her home, damn, she was so in love, attachment, obsession or whatever it was but it was with greatest of the depths and greatest of the heights at least from her side. This addiction rose to the limits that she put him first over everything, her dreams, her career, her studies, even her self-respect, family, friends and literally everything. Anything and everything she did, she did it for him.
She didn’t mind sending her nudes to him, but only if he could understand, she was not sending the photos of her body instead she was sending herself wrapped up in a small passport size pictures via WhatsApp, she was sending parts of her which she might never get back, she was sending her insight and her out sight, she was sending her deepest of the secrets which even she didn’t know, she was sending her respect, her love, her emotions which knew no bound, she was sending her peace, her happiness, her calmness, her stability which he drastically deleted.
He replied, “are you mad, I was just taking your test, you should not send your pictures to anyone like this” only if he could understand, he was not anyone, at least for her. Why did she do that, she wanted to prove her love, no, she wanted to prove she was bold and beautiful, no, she did that only because he asked her to do and she just didn’t know how to say no to him. He became guilty and she asked for five five-star chocolates, yes that was the ‘punishment’ she gave to him, he was supposed to bring five five-star chocolates for her, that’s it. He did do that, after one month and ten days after she had asked for it for 10000000000 millions of the times, after she had cried to him to bring those for her so she could forgive him, so she could come to peace with herself that it is damn okay.
The fights grew and became severe, still she wanted him to stay in her life, she wanted to be with him, still she was ready to obey his each and every demand like a servant. After all his critical comments, “I don’t want to see you, I hate your face”, “Don’t annoy me with your texts”, “Don’t you have got anyone else to talk to”, “Why don’t you get it, I don’t love you, I love someone else”, “just go away, don’t come to me” and many more.
Then too, she was thinking what to gift him on his next birthday. Marvelous, she was still thinking ‘for’ him, brilliant. She was just too dumb to figure out how ‘I love you’ can change to ‘i hate your face’ so easily and became mad. She was different always, rather abnormal, but after this tragedic love story she really did became abnormal who couldn’t get over her first heart break.
She tried to eat soaps and shampoos in her bathroom and lead herself to been seriously ill, she tried eating all the medicines in her home and again the outcome was the same, she tries to drink Benadryl because somewhere she read that this could work, but it only got her redden-swollen eyes, headache and uneasiness and nothing happened so she decided to run away somewhere, where she won’t have to see him daily and then she might be able to recover. Or she just wanted to run away from everything, damn everything, she wanted to go to some new place among new faces to hunt new challenges.
One evening, she didn’t return to her house from the college but she took a train and sat on the floor of it near its gate. She didn’t know where the train was going, she didn’t know where she was going. At around 1 in the night she get off the train. She was thinking that it is strange no one came to ask for the ticket and arrest her for committing a punishable offense. She had some money in her pocket which was finished in one cup of tea and a bread roll. She started walking on roads which looked like haunted in the night.
She was thinking so many things, what would he do when he will find it out that I am missing, What her family would have been thinking and of course doing, what will she do here, what if some sort of relative found her and recognized her, what if she got trapped in question answers by the police, what if she got raped, is she beautiful enough that someone can really get attracted towards her, is there someone really made for her like they say, what will her ex think of her, is he really her ex, when were they in relationship, were those seven kisses were the conclusions of friends with benefits type of relationship, is he really like this or is he like this only for her because everyone else thinks so great and good of him, even she thinks so damn good of him, for him, what do she want from life, what do she want from him, what do she want from herself, and no one knows her endless thoughts.
Her thoughts were always endless, be it good or bad, be it positive or negative. She slept in a park, thinking lots of things, when she woke up, it was 9 of morning. The city looked quite developed, she was in no mood to find out the name of the city or anything about it, she only wanted to get a job to earn enough money for her two square meal and a roof if possible. She waited for a while, again lost in her own world which was now shattered and destroyed but still her favourite place, and went to the mall at about 12 noon. There she washed her face, changed her college shirt and wore a casual shirt which she had kept in her bag secretly and came out. She pretended to be smart and confident and went to CCD (Cafe Coffee Day) to ask for the job for which, politely they denied saying that she would have to go the main branch office with proper documents than they will decide about her ‘job’.
She didn’t felt bad, she had accepted herself to be unlucky as hell, and somehow she was already prepared for such ‘rejections’. She started thinking again, is there anyone who will accept her, is she so bad that no one find her suitable for anything, to be a friend, girl-friend, sister, daughter, employee or anything, had she done something cruel and bad in her previous life, was getting the results of her wrong doings, had he came to know about her ‘running away from home’ adventure, what he must be thinking, what other colleagues of the class would have been thinking, what her mother would be doing, crying? and her sister and her father and other relatives if they have also came to know, she came across a church and prayed, “I want one life with him, if not this life then might be another one but please grant me just one life with him”.
She came across a cafe on its door there was a page with words, ‘a waiter is needed, urgently’. Although she was not actually seeing the around world but someone has said, “one always gets what he needs”, only if she could understand that she was not unlucky and God still loved her. She went inside, this time she failed to pretend herself completely okay, but the person behind the desk ask her to wait and she was called for an interview in fifteen minutes. People don’t care about anyone who has nothing to do with them. Everyone is selfish and everyone is mean, some for all and some for some.
The owner asked, if she has done this kind of job before, she said no, he asked, if she can speak and understand english, she said yes, he asked, is she be able to greet customers, she said yes, he said, do you know “sabki seerat achhi nahi hoti, kch achhe log aate hein toh kch bure bhi aate hein”, will you be able to handle, she said, sir according to me, “soorat” can be good or bad but “seerat” is always good of everyone, everyone just need the ‘right person’ to see to it and yes importantly to understand it. Afterwards some questions like why do you want this job, what your parents do, are you studying, what do you want from life, then lastly he asked her salary expectations to which she said that she don’t have any account and in return was asked to get an account open in one month.
She signed the paper of ‘terms and conditions’ and before going she asked him if she could eat there, she has already told him that she has came here from a village and she want job to help her family because they are very poor. Not her get up though but her facial expressions complimented this thing. The owner agreed and in another seven minutes she found herself in dress code of that cafe. It was 4:30 when she ate a sandwitch and hawked a burger too, she hadn’t ate the whole day. She didn’t know the taste or how she felt after eating, she just knew that it was veg stuff.
In night, she changed and went to the park as she had no place to go to, and sitting on the grass, ignoring cold, started thinking, what he must be doing or thinking, about that girl whom he loves?, had she accepted his proposal, are they happy with each other, do she really love him, does she love him more then me, but how does it matters, he loves her more than he loves me, no, he never loved me, it was all a sort of game, a dirty joke, had she done wrong by lying to the owner, would she get punishment for this, will god punish her now, she has to go to the bank to open her account, thank god, she is eighteen and she has an identity card of her college, thank god, now account can be opened at 0 balance.
She continued this going to park and then going to cafe after washing her face in the mall for three days, finally on fourth day, she asked a young girl who used to come to do the cleaning of that cafe, if she could come at her place. The young girl used to live in slum area with her mother, thankfully she was able to take bath and the girl even arranged inner wear for her. Poor have more heart because they don’t have anything to loose. She managed to live there for month, though she lived more in the cafe or in the park, or somewhere else in the outskirts of city. She used to think, what if, I were born like this, would then I be able to find him, would then he be able to find me, do these types of people ever fall in love, do they have any dreams, is their life simple then hers, what would they be thinking about her and more and more thoughts kept coming and going in her mind.
She worked at that cafe for approx five months and decided to leave the place on his birth date in February. She will never forget his birth day, infact she will never forget anything about him, she will never forget how his eyes twinkled on their first kiss, and how his eyes were cold when she asked for her chocolates in college, she will never forget his lips which used to curl at the edges everytime he talked, she will never forget how his lips became straight line when he pushed her off in college corridor one day, she will never forget his hairs which never sat on his head, she liked his hairs, standing beautiful on his head, how he moves his right hand into them, she will never forget that black mole on his left cheek, she will never forget those slightest dimpled moments of his cheeks when they talked doing their second kiss, they were close, very close and she just wanted him to be like this all the time, she will never forget his tone of the voice, his scent, the light in his eyes and the darkness in his eyes, his walk, how his hand moves when he writes, how he constantly move his legs even after she had asked him to not to do so, the plain pinkishness on his eyes when he put his head down in the class, the way he looks at her from distance and than looks away when she goes near, his side glances, how his back cramps in and out when he sits in class, bored, she will never forget his smile, that stammering tone when he laughs hard, she will never forget those clothes he wear on those serene meetings, she will never forget his promises to stay, his talks, his things, she will never forget the way he gets his spectacles off his eyes and again wear them, she will never forget how he had hold her, kissed her, embraced her, loved her, betrayed her, destroyed her, she will never forget how he made her like everything and then how he made her hate everything.
His smile was the most beautiful thing she has ever seen like it was the only thing she had seen and she didn’t want to see anything else, she was so sure that nothing, nothing could replace the mesmerizing beauty of that smile, the color of his lips changed from reddish brown to pinkish red at the edges and mehroon brown in between. Ohh, what a scene, she could write an encyclopedia on that smile. ‘Beautiful’.
She collected her things, which included her college shirt, her jeans which she was wearing the day she landed here, and some clothes which were brought from the ‘boys section’. She collected her due payment and went directly to the hairdresser along with her belongings roughly packed in the same college bag she came here with. She asked the boy that she wanted to have a boy cut. She didn’t bother to look herself in the mirror. When someone whom you love so much goes and also says things like you are nothing and also you will be nothing than eventually you come to hate yourself, especially your looks, at least in the age of ’19’, that too a girl like Victoria. She went to the washroom in the mall and tied a cloth tightly around her boobs, yes, she did looked like a boy. She took a rickshaw to railway station and this time took a ticket of the last stop. Again no one came to check the ticket. She went off the train in between and again she was least interested in knowing the name of the place or anything about it.
Roaming around here and there she went to the club cum cafe and talked to the waiter there of possibilities of getting a job here, like a boy, yes. She ordered drinks and for it was the very first time that too alone, however she was sure she would be able to handle it, she couldn’t. She recognized her uneasiness and quickly left the place, she forget that in this world you are supposed to pay for almost everything and she forgot to pay the bill of her drinks. She had just ordered them randomly, she didn’t know anything about alcohol, obviously. All the workers on duty ran behind her and found her talking to the gate of the temple. They caught her and asked about the money, she was out of her senses, she started vomitting and again and again was clinching her hands towards her chest (breast), it was paining, it was getting out of control for her to get through it, to ignore it or to accept it, she got his hands inside her shirt and succeed to open the tied up cloth and her secret was revealed, “she was the girl”. The workers have beaten her harshly taking her to be a boy and she was bleeding badly from known and unknown places of her body.
Can first love really do this to someone, there she was, lying on the road, half alive, half dead, bleeding from the inside and from the outside robbed off everything she once had, her dreams, her passions, her love and her gratitude, her ignorance, her love, her friends and family, her hatred, her feelings, her emotions, her money, her patience, her intelligence, her attitude, her smile and her sorrow and anything and everything in real or in virtual, sadly she was robbed off her senses too.
When she opened her eyes and regained consciousness she found herself in the mental asylum. Some great person brought her there, she decided she won’t leave this place. This place is okay for her, simply awesome. She started living there, there was place to sleep, food to eat, air to breathe and water to drink and she did not need anything else. There was a church too, where she went daily to say, “God, I want one life with him, just one life, please”.
–END–
