The Light in the Closet

The sun beams through the window and streams across my face. my eyes flutter open abs suddenly my entire body filled with a mixture of excitement and hope. A smile stretches my mouth as a stretch out my arms. I pick up my phone and looked at the lock screen. It was ten a.m. and i had a new message.

New Text Message from: Amanda Turati. 

I unlocked my screen and read: “Morning baby girl! Today is the big day! Tell me what your parents say! I’m here for you! Love you!”. 

I smiled. I was so incredibly lucky. But she was right, it was a big day. Today was the day I was going to finally come out to my parents as a lesbian, and that I’ve been dating Amanda for two months now. It was not going to be easy. My parents, Peter and Abigail Saunders, were hardcore Christians with the strongest faith of anyone I had ever met. I had no idea how this would go. I was excited and hopeful, for the potential new environment of acceptance and being able to be myself completely, but also fearful of the possibility of this ending badly. But I’m not backing down.

I had it all planned out. I told my mother I wanted to make dinner, since both of my parents have full time jobs. I was thinking if they came home to a clean house and a warm cooked meal, it might butter them up. I know they weren’t particularly  fond of the gay community, but i hoped and prayed that they would make an exception for their only daughter.

Today was Saturday, so I didn’t have school. I was a senior in high school, graduating in a couple weeks. My lovely Mandy is a year older than me, a freshman in college. I met her at a school orientation. It was pretty much love at first sight. Anyway, I got up, showered, got ready, and cleaned the house spotless. I then started preparing the sauce for the pasta, which was nearly an all day endeavor. My Grandma Patti’s secret recipe for chicken Alfredo. I baked the chicken, cooked the noodles, set the table, and by the time I finished it was a little 4:30 PM. My parents would be here in a half hour.

Keeping the food on warm burners on low so they don’t get cold, I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. My face was a little oily, the foundation a little run up from the heat and cleaning, so I  touched up. I took my hair out of its bun and brushed it out, my natural red curly hair falling down in place. My hazel eyes were clearly exhausted, so i added a little bit more eye makeup to look more awake. I sighed, and decided to practice.

“Mom, Dad, I’m gay.” I shook my head. “Mom, Dad, I love you both so much, I know you love me too. I don’t want to keep any secrets from you, I want to be myself around you. I want to bring over the person I love to meet you, and for you to accept them. I am gay, and I have always known it. I’m in love with a girl and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I hope you guys can accept it. I love you both so much.” Perfect.

I heard the door open, and keys, and Bella, our poodle puppy, barking at the door. Both of my parents walked in, I heard them exclaim at the smell of the food, and the cleanliness of the house. I went over to serve the food. “Hey guys! How was work?”

We sat down, said grace, and started our meal. We talked about our weeks, and things happening in our lives, and just laughed. I got up got the desert out of the fridge that I had made the night before. Chocolate truffle cake, my mom’s favorite, and the desert my parents had on their first date. Their eyes’ lit up. As my mother was about to take her first bite, she out her fork down, “Oh, right, Emma had an announcement for us. Peter, stop eating.”

My dad outs his fork down, fold his hands and looks at me inventively. I took a deep breath. “Just so you know, this is really hard for me to say.Mom, Dad, I love you both so much, I know you love me too. I don’t want to keep any secrets from you, I want to be myself around you. I want to bring over the person I love to meet you, and for you to accept them. I am gay, and I have always known it. I’m in love with a girl and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, and I hope you guys can accept it. I love you both so much.”

I looked up at my parents faces, the ones who raised me from birth, gave me life, and gave me everything. Their faces were blank. My mom’s complexion had lost all color. My dad seemed to be fighting back tears. His deep blue eyes clouded, the bald skin on top of his head nearly matched what was left of his fiery locks. My mom’s eyes seemed to lose the green haze. When she finally got the voice to speak, she put her hand on mine, and hope came back. “Baby, you should go to your room now. your father and I need to talk.”

I gripped my lips together, and my fist tensed. “Okay.”

I slowly got up and walked to my room. I was trying to fight back the tears. I went into my bathroom and took a hot shower. I got out and changed into my flannels, and I could hear my parents arguing next door. What did we do wrong? Did you tell her anything about gay relatives? Who is this girl? The hurtful words kept flooding into my ears and shattered against my walls, causing the same effect to my heart. I walked into my closet, turned on the light, and took my blade out of my jewelry box. I lift up the sleeve on my bathrobe, and slid it across my wrist. I should have known they wouldn’t accept it. The tears started flooding down. I got gauze out of my box and wrapped it around my arm. My phone beeps, and I pick it up.

Amanda Turati: Hey Baby, how’d it go?

Awful… My parents are fighting next door. 

Amanda Turati: Honey Bear! I’m so sorry! You didn’t…

Um….. 

Amanda Turati: BABY! Why?? 

I don’t know….

You have me now…you don’t need that to cope. I love you so much!

I know…. I love you too.

You get some sleep, and meet me in the morning. Try to sleep my angel. 

I sniffed and wiped my tears, and walked out of my closet. I imagined this “coming out of the closet” thing would have much more, relieving. I went back into bed. I was nearly asleep until I heard a knock on the door. My mom walks in. “Emma? You awake?”

I sit up. “Yes, Mom. You okay?” She shook her head.

“You father thinks its best if you leave. We need time to process. You can stay here tonight, but we would like it you packed up and went to your grandmothers for now.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. “Why? I graduate in two weeks! And its not like I was taking drugs, why is this happening?”

My mom sighs. “We just don’t know how to deal..we won’t tell your Nana. We plan on calling her in the morning.”

I panicked. “Mom…can I stay at Amanda’s instead? I need support, not to be shut out.”

She looked angry, and i bit my tongue, wishing I could take it back. “Fine, whatever. Do what you want. You’re 18. Just be gone before noon.:

She walks out and slams the door. I went under my covers and sobbed. I picked up my phone and dialed Amanda’s number.

“Hello?”

“Mandy…my parents are kicking me out.”

“Oh no, baby! Do I need to come get you?”

“I can stay through the night, I just have to be gone before my parents get home from work.”

“I’ll be over at ten, okay? Everything will be alright. I won’t let you be alone. I love you sweetie.”

“I love you to Amanda, I”l see you tomorrow…”

After we hung up, I start hyperventilating, and the fast hiccups turned into violent sobs, and I cried until I finally fell asleep.

I felt soft lips on mine, and I opened my eyes to beautiful crystal blue eyes. “Mandy!” I got up and wrapped my arms around her. “How’d you get in here?”

Mandy hugs me tighter. “Your mom let me in. She asked me if I was the girlfriend, and sent me up here. She doesn’t seem happy.”

I grabbed her face and kissed her deeply. “I love you so much.” I played with her blonde hair.

“I love you too, buggy. But come on, we gotta pack.”

We packed fro about an hour, getting essentials. Mandy suggested we slowly moved all my stuff over to her apartment, considering we were planning on moving in together after I graduated anyway. We walked out into her truck, and put my stuff in the back seat. As we sat down and buckled up, she gently kissed me. “Well, I guess we get to start our life together a little earlier.”

She said sweetly, flashing her perfect teeth at me. She took my left arm and lifted my sleeve, saw the red stained gauze. Her eyes watered, as she kissed it. “Honey, you have to stop, let me be your comfort. Please, promise me that was your last time.”

I held her hand, and smiled. ” I promise. As long as you’re here, the blade is no longer my friend.”

She smiled and stroked my chin. “Then that blade is going to be lonely a long a time.” She kissed me gently. “Forever?”

“Forever and ever.”

We drove to her apartment across town, and unloaded the car. The pressure of my suitcase caused a stinging sensation on my arm. We walked inside, and Amanda sat me down, and cooked me lunch, and made me hot tea. We sat on the couch and talked until it was a little after 9:30 at night.

“Mandy, I’m exhausted. Come to bed ?”

That sentence warms my entire soul. I’ve wanted to seat hat to her for a long time. She smiles, and cradles me in her arms. She takes me down the hall and into her bedroom, and tucks me in. She gets in and holds me from behind. “Hey Emmy, I’m really glad you’re here.”

I turn around and smiled at the love of my life. “Me too Mandy. funny how sometimes something horrific can turn into something beautiful.”

Amanda moves my hair from my face. “I agree. There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.”

I laugh. “More like a light in the closet. I think I want to stay here a while.”

Mandy kisses my forehead. “Sounds good to me.”

__END__