College Love Story – An Anxious Heart
Photo credit: anitapeppers from morguefile.com
Part 1:
This is based on true story of one of my friend.
I never thought I would believe in love. Many people say love is a waste of time or it just sucks. They don’t believe in love but there is always 2 sides of the story. One which you show the world and other which you have been through. This is just not a story, this is part of my life. It made me grow, it made me stronger. Most of those people who don’t believe in love, they may have been through heart break, been broken apart, been used by the people they loved. It doesn’t mean they are heartless or stone hearted. They are just scared to love again, many of you can relate to this and probably my story.
Since childhood, I had lived my life in fear to be judged, to be isolated, I never knew my own family would judge and isolate me. 6 years old child who knew nothing about the world, how the world works, the types of people in the world, her family just told her that she has this disease but didn’t give any sympathy. So yes… The child is me! It may not be life threatening for now but my future depends on my disease. The fear of the disease grew more inside me, I wasn’t a coward but I wasn’t brave either.
Growing up as a motherless child while she is alive, only few would understand the pain. You may have no mother at all or no father but growing up with mothers hate can kill you from inside and that’s exactly how I felt. My world revolved around my school life to home. Swollen dried eyes, tired of crying, the smile that faded as soon as I heard the leaving bell. Normally children would be excited to go home, get a lot of love from home, hugs and kisses but the only thing I got was accusation, beats from brother, insults from my family. This girl who begged for love but never got any.
You probably would know about first love or school love. You may have had your school love or crush. The girl or guy sitting in front of your bench. Your eyes always gazing at them.
Falling in love was a magical feeling in secondary school, this love had changed me forever and made me a better person. Not because I got love back from him but the pain he gave me. A lonely girl who just wanted love and spread love around the world. The love came into her life-like she found water in desert. Alone, lost and hopeless, finding someone who appreciated her and loved her, was a miracle for her. She was striving for love and when she got the love, it was the best and worst thing that had happened.
Yes I fell in love with such guy who just used me and backstabbing me for another girl. I had become alone, no one to cry too, no one to hear me cry, to take my heart out too. Life can play such cruel tricks, it can give you life in one moment and take it back in another. Secondary days gave me a lot of life lessons, to relate back to, to motivate me and make me stronger. My whole life has been a mess from home to school. Never did I thought God would play such games with me, but as time passed, I learnt whatever happens it’s for the best.
God tests his favourite ones, since I was alone from my childhood until now, God has become my best friend. Someone who is there to listen to me, who can make me smile in my worst pains. He supported me and guided me, with many hurdles but I made it through.
My loneliness made me more friendly and open to others, I always looked for the ear who can listen me out, the heart that can understand and reduce my pain. So far I had no one except my God. As time passed, I found a friend in my religious building, it was like God sent her to be with me, to support me. I told her my whole life issues, even the smallest happiness I found. She became my elder sister, she has 2 kids who I love to bits. I look after them at times, babysit them and I feel like a mom. The happiness to become a mother is like a blessing. The 2 kids who are like my younger brothers and at times like my kids. Just spending time with them would help me forget about my depressing life but I can’t be with them forever… It’s strange how family meant to give you protection, support, love but in my case it was the opposite. I had to search for love, care, affection outside my house.
College life started and whole new memories to collect. The empty pages of my diary was ready to be filled . The eyes that cried was ready to explore again. The smile that hid many secrets was ready to shine again. I thanked God gazillion times for his support, the strength he gave me to bare pains. I began my journey by talking to everyone in my class and gradually I talked to people in my year group from my secondary and mutual friends. I always had a smile on my face, singing and dancing, being the child which I couldn’t ever be in my childhood.
Many people asked “How comes you are always happy?” Little did they know that, as soon as I get home the smile would fade, the bright brown eyes would go dim with pain and tears. Since my heart break, my heart had turned into just black hole, I never allowed anyone to come into my life. I had many friends but no one to count on to. I lived my life to the fullest in college, singing dancing playing sports and even peaceful chill out times with friends. I never knew a certain person would affect my life to this extent that I would wait for him to go to home first and then leave myself.
Aahan… I got attracted to this guy. Complete different personality, religion but true gentleman. My one first accidental bump into him had shook my heart or something. Whatever it was, I began to trust again and allow myself to have crushes. He has my only crush after my heart break, probably that’s why I got very emotional whenever I thought that I will never see him again. 2 last months in college left and all I was thinking is to live my life to fullest. Have fun and glare at him secretly.
After a while he noticed me a lot too and awkwardness began between my group and his. I gave him ” I don’t care attitude” and he gave me blankness but hidden smiles. I guess everything happens for good, he made me more happy and thanks to him I forgot all my pains. While trying to find more about him, I got more close to my class mate/ friend (MAS). He was friends with my crush’s friend so through that I found out he likes me too and appreciates my cold attitude I had towards him. He was a heart-throb of many girls in college and let out too him easily but he liked me for hard to get attitude. I never had intentions to be in relationship with him just wanted to be friends.
The difference in religion put both of us off. Since I childhood I always tried to please my parents and make them love me, no matter how obedient I tried to be. For the sake of my parents respect and love, I never wanted to hurt them so I tried to stay away from everything that hurt my parents and God. As college ended, I got more and more close to one of my class mate MAS, he is a true Gemini personality, always on and about, likes to have fun, extremely caring especially towards friends. MAS is a very curious friend and likes to know more about them.
During summer holidays, we got very close and I opened up my whole life to him. I told him about my family, disease, my ex and he already knew about my college crush. I never let anyone in my life but he was like a storm that cut in through my life and was there to support me. We became best of friends. He wasnt like any other close friend of mine, he knew my life and wasnt just there to listen me out but to improve my life, to take care of me, to be there for me. He made me feel special which no one has ever did. I knew thought this crazy, flirtatious, fun guy would be part of my life to this extent. We would talk on phone for hours, emails until 6 in the morning. Although he didn’t share much of his life with me, I never forced it out of him too.
As 3 months of summer passed, uni had started in mid September. During summer I had gotten over my college crush, the family problems grew and made me more depressed than ever. It was difficult to focus on my education with all my family problems. I had many other fears too, I was scared to fall for MAS, I was scared about my disease, I was scared about the future. All this made me weak than ever. All my life I didn’t feel this weak until I told MAS about my life, he became my weakness and strength. I always told him to stay away from me but he rushed in my life and changed me. I tried my best to be happy and never let this depression touch me but I failed each time. My friends began to notice the change in me, I let myself break apart. I love him too much, I cannot let him be part of my life but I can’t hurt him by distancing myself from him. This dilemma made me more depressed. Many incidents happened that changed my life. Soon a miracle happened in my life that did something to me…..
###
( To be continued)
