To Know

It never occur to me how much a person can love me. Like, why do they love me? Am I lovable? Aren’t my flaws bad enough to push people away? I’m loud, the kind of loud that usually comes out randomly without me wanting it to and the one that makes people roll their eyes at me. And then, I’m rough. When I’m too close to a person I tend to get physical, and that is beyond my control. And of course, I’m ugly. Definitely a sight to sore eyes. Even I get uncomfortable when I look at myself in the mirror. I’m the whole package. The distorted face and the broad and fat body.

I’m not the kind of person who self pities herself, I guess I’m just ungrateful. I tried to work on my body, but how am I suppose to fix a face? People tend to hate me. But that’s not the case for Liam. But why? Why does he love me? I’m unlovable. Both outside and inside. I’ve accepted the fact that the society hates me for who I am but why must he be the oddball to actually find himself somehow attracted to me?

This is the story of how Liam had entered my life.

To know how someone wants to know you, they’ll acknowledge you and try to make small conversations with you.
I came to tell Mr Higgins that I couldn’t come to basketball practice that day. Liam was there. I didn’t notice him at first because he was still in one of the seats but then he stood up and it made me shot a glance at him. Quite a brief one, to see who it was. His face was rather familiar to me but I never really cared because there was no reason to.

He smiled at me and I sucked in my breath. Not because he was attractive or I had a sudden crush on him, even though he was that day, attractive, that is. It was because no one has ever acknowledged me except for the teachers in the school. So, seeing someone smiling at me, instead of smiling back, I just stared at him, shook my head back to reality and continued my conversation with Mr Higgins. Mr Higgins said something about me being absent from practice but I couldn’t quite hear what he said so I just nodded weakly and walked out of his class.

On my way out of the school building, I tried to figure out exactly what Mr Higgins had said. Just then, Liam approached me. I gulped and clenched my teeth. What does he want from me? I had thought. “He said, I’ll excuse you just this once, but no more skipping after this, Ms Dawn,”

I would’ve smiled at what he had said because of the resemblance of his voice and Mr Higgins but I didn’t because I was dumbfounded by him. As if he knew I wouldn’t reply, he continued, “You do know you’re an open book right? It was obvious you weren’t listening to him because you were rather surprised by the fact that I smiled at you.”

I pursed my lips as he smiled again. “I think you’ve got the wrong person. I don’t know you.” I said in a crisp tone. I bit my lip as I said it. Why am I so stupid at times? Why can’t I just be nice? His gaze lingered on my face for awhile. I could feel my face burning up. I tensed under his gaze. I wanted to punch him but at the same time, I was almost to tears. He didn’t have to stare at me like that. Here I thought I was rude.

“I don’t know you too but it’s not wrong for me to get to know you.”

To be honest, I was rather comfortable not having friends. He was starting to annoy me. “Well, the society thinks it’s wrong. I’m sorry but I gotta go, my mom’s here.” I tried to push past him but he grabbed my arm.

“I will try to get to know you better. You want to know why? Because I want to. Society can’t stop me.”

I cringed at the statement. I just pursed my lips, pulled my arm away and walked out. I tried to stop myself from looking back on the way walking to Mom’s car. As soon as I shut the door, I closed my eyes.

“He’s still looking at you,” Mom informed me.

“I don’t care, Mom. Don’t make assumptions. I don’t know him. He approached me. He’s not my boyfriend. I don’t like him.” I told her. Mom’s eyebrows rose and nodded slowly.

“Whatever you say. Just so you know, he’s still looking at you.” Mom bared her teeth at him and waved.

“Mom! What are you doing? Don’t do that.” I turned quickly to look at him and he was waving back. I lowered my head and told my mom to be quick. Mom laughed and drove off. I took a peek and he was still there, smiling. I couldn’t help myself from smiling either.

To know how someone wants to be your friend, small conversations turn into long ones and they wouldn’t mind spending some time with you.

Of course, that wasn’t the end of it. He’s starting to make everything that I was accustomed to, different. Sitting alone during lunch was one of it and it was how people were classed in the school. By the number of friends they sit with. I have none. But of course, Liam came and sat by me. “I’m Liam, by the way. You’re Theresa, right? I asked your friend for your name. Anyways, not trying to intervene or anything but are you guys fighting or something? She seemed-”

“I don’t have any friends,” I cut him and looked at him to see his reaction. He looked thoughtful for a second and turned to look at me again. “Screw her. She was too wrong to be your friend anyway.” What is wrong with this guy? It’s nice to know he acknowledged me but it’s wrong to drag him down to be on the same level as I am. “No. I am wrong. I annoy people. I drive people on their walls-”

“That would be fun,” he cut me and laughed.

“Are you even listening? Please take note. I like the fact that you acknowledge me but believe me, once you get to know me, you will pull yourself away. So, to not waste your time and save myself from the humiliation, why don’t you leave now? Moreover, when you’re too close to me, others will pull themselves away from you and you’ll turn into me-” he laughed, yet again.

“You used ‘moreover’. I can’t help it, oh my god, my stomach hurts. Theresa, can’t you just let me be? I know what the others had talked about you. You’re annoying. Loud. Rough. Inconsiderate. Selfish. Ugly. All that kind of sort. But wouldn’t it be adventurous to have that kind of person in your life?”

I was speechless. I wasn’t touched. I was actually hurt. So, I’m some sort of an adventure for him to try? And from the look of his face, he knew I was hurt.

“They didn’t tell me you’re sensitive. I’m sorry. I thought you’d be fine by it. I’m really sorry, I thought spicing up our friendship would be fun.”

Friendship? That, I was touched. But still, to be in a friendship to be used as an adventure? No thanks. I stood up, ready to go.

“Hey, where are you going? I thought we had a moment just then. A sandwich moment,” he showed his sandwich to me and pointed his mouth at the sandwich in my hand. I pursed my lips, trying to stop myself from smiling. “You almost smiled. Could’ve been a pretty one.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “Please, sit with me. You can’t leave me alone, all by myself here.” Thinking about how I might not have this chance again, I sat back and we really did have a sandwich moment.

To know how someone likes you, they want to spend more time with you and show you off to their friends.

The chance that I took was not the only chance Liam gave me. He started walking me back home at times my mom can’t pick me up and when she’s around, he would walk me to my car and greet my mom. Mom’s excitement would make him laugh. I would roll my eyes and tell her to just go.

I was pissed off with Amber Knight. She was throwing false statements about how I had bruised her during basketball practice. She said I was too ‘rough’. Come on, it’s basketball! If she wants to get a bruise, I would gladly give her one. Mr Higgins who was probably tired of her whinings, benched the both of us. “Mr Higgins! You know I’m good, you can just bench her. She was making an excuse to be excused. Not me!”

“Just sit down, Theresa.” Amber frowned at me.

“Don’t think too highly of yourself, Theresa. Dislocate a knee bone and that’s it for you,” Bella Moore chimed in from the court. I almost lunged at her and was stopped by Mr Higgins.

“Dawn, bench now.” I stormed off to the bench and rolled my eyes at Amber. They’ve taken everything from me. What more do they want?

“Hey you,” a voice said from behind me and that made me jump. It was Liam. I wanted to smile but stopped myself. Before I could say anything, Amber voiced out beside me. “Liam, what are you doing here? I thought you had football practice.”

“Oh, you haven’t heard? I quit football.” he replied. I looked up at him and he looked at me and smiled. “Why?” Both Amber and I asked in unison. I bit my lower lip as I could feel Amber’s burning gaze behind my neck. “Such a waste of talent, you’re such a good player, Liam!”

“Okay,” he replied and sat beside me. I distanced myself away and smiled at him.

“Well, you’ve started smiling. I came to watch you play, why’re you here?”

I inhaled roughly and glanced at Amber who was closely watching us.

“That stupid girl told Mr Higgins I bruised her. I promise you, that is not what had happened.”

Liam looked at me thoughtfully. “What?” I asked. He shook his head.

“I wish you’d like me as much as you like basketball.” he said, looking at his shoes. I stared at him and frowned. Don’t say anything stupid. Just shut up.

“Aren’t you going to help me back to the court? So, I can play and you can watch.” I asked, nicely.

“Oh yeah, mm, what shall I do?” he stood up and stretched. “Such a waste of talent, right Amber?” Amber looked up and frowned in confusion.

“Higgins, I thought you knew better. She’s hurt, not her. She can still play,”

“But she hurt Amber, so let’s be fair.” Mr Higgins replied.

“But I came. And I came to watch Theresa Dawn play. Not sitting on a bench just because she was falsely accused. Hey, not trying to make a big deal here just putting it out there.” he put both palms up in the air. Some of the players gaped at him and some eyed at me like I was behind it. Mr Higgins smiled. “You think your charms will sweep me off my feet? It worked a little but no.”

“Fine, since she’s not playing, I’ll take her with me, what about that?”

“What are you trying to accomplish here?” Mr Higgins crossed his arms.

“No? Okay, say your goodbye, Theresa. I wanna bring you out.”

This stupid boy. Cute and charming, yes. But stupid. I wanted him to put me back not bring me out. He grabbed my arm and pulled me out. I glanced back and saw Mr Higgins’ smiling face and Amber’s shocked face.

Once we were outside, I pulled my arms away and crossed my arms. “What are you doing?”
“Spending more time with you.”
“Why?”

“To look at you and keep it in my head so I’d remember. Don’t frown, even if it’s cute of you to do that.” he told me. My anger subsided a little but I was still annoyed. Get your head together, Theresa, you know you’re ugly. He’s just being nice. I didn’t say anything about it.

“What are we going to do now? I can’t go back in there, not with Amber and the others staring at me. Probably with hate.”

“They already hate you,” he shrugged. “Anyways, I’m about to eat lunch. What do you want to eat?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, close your eyes and think of something. What do you see?” I closed my eyes and thought of the list of my favourite food.

“Ice cream.”

“Okay,” there was hesitance in his voice. “Lunch will be…ice cream.”

We did had ice cream for lunch, with his friends, who unexpectedly came into the shop. We discussed about a lot of stuff. It was enjoyable. They were funny and random. And they included me. I laughed so hard, the customers around us glanced at me in annoyance. I pursed my lips in reply. Liam patted me on my arm and said “Laugh away.” I just smiled at him and shook my head. After big spoonfuls of ice cream, my stomach started to hurt and Liam noticed. He frowned at me and asked what was wrong.

“It’s probably just a cramp. You know, when girls are having their period and they eat something cold, it feels like a knot of pain was building up in here.” His friends just stared at me like it was something disgusting to digest. It was funny but Liam’s face was the funniest. He was still frowning but there was confusion too. “So, I’m supposed to bring you to a store and purchase tampons?”

“I prefer using pads, but it’s okay, I’m wearing one. But nothing can stop the pain. And nothing can stop me from eating ice cream.” I told him. His friends just nod and continued to talk. Liam’s eyes widened in anger.

“Why didn’t you tell me? You idiot.” I just shrugged, taking another spoonful of ice cream.

“Let’s get you a heat pack. That might lessen the pain. It ought to, right?” he asked, standing up. I nodded and stood up.

“Where are you going?” Robbie or was it Michael, asked. “Getting her a heat pack.” They nodded in understanding.

“You ought to get the boyfriend award.” James or Jimmy said.

“Not my boyfriend,” I spoke up, quite abruptly. They just stared at me and turned to Liam. Liam glared at me and walked away. “Is he angry?” I asked his friends and when they nodded, I went after him.

To know how someone loves you, they try to make things right for you and they make you feel grateful of yourself without trying.

Liam told me that he had started liking me but I said nothing. I couldn’t bring myself to tell him anything. I know that I don’t like him. I just enjoyed his company as a friend. He was too nice to me. He acknowledged me and he talked to me. But then again, I’m just an adventure to him. The girls at school had glared at me every now and then, talking about how I must have blackmailed Liam. I have gone far and there’s no turning back. Whatever it is that I had started, I’m going to stick with it. His presence had somehow made my life easier to endure. I’m no longer alone during lunch, there was him and his friends who would make me laugh too loud and hit Liam as I laugh. They didn’t really mind my behavior and I was starting to get comfortable with them. During basketball practice, Liam would be there, watching me play and told me I was good. And that I looked cool. I would blush at that. At least, I’m cool.

“Why did you want to know me?” I had asked him once.

“I’ve noticed you for quite a while before that. You were different. The way you bring yourself. With pride, even when the others look down on you. I’m amazed by your ignorant appeal. You captured my attention.” If only he had known what I had felt about myself. I lowered my head in shame. “You do know that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder right? To me, you radiate that beauty-”

“Oh my god, stop it, before I barf my breakfast.” I cut him, cringing to myself.

“Okay,” he replied quietly. “Why do you ask, anyways?”

“Out of curiosity,” I shrugged as I said it. “I thought you might’ve not stand me anymore. People tend to do that. I would’ve accepted it if they could just tell me so I can correct myself but they didn’t. It makes me angry thinking about it. But you, of course, being the weird guy, thinks it’s something I should be proud of. I know it’s annoying-”

“But it’s your nature. I got it. You don’t have to explain. Everyone has their flaws. I guess, this is yours.” he rested his chin on an arm.

“What’s yours?” I looked at him. He thought for a while as he stared into nothing.

“Mine would be not knowing how to trust anyone to help me deal with my problems,”

“That’s very subtle. I can give you your solid flaws. You boss people around. You get angry fast. You want things to work your way.” he chuckled and nodded.

He turned to look at me and told me he liked me very much to the point he might have fallen in love with me. I just nodded at him and pursed my lips. “I kind of like you too, you know. I don’t know. I’m just not sure. It’s confusing.”

“You’re confusing. Why don’t you like me and then start to like me very much and love me already? So, when I say I love you, I’ll get an I love you back.” he blurted out. I stared at him, not knowing what to say. Can I still be friends with him if I start to like him very much? I pondered over it. I just can’t do it. It would be too scary.

“Theresa darling, your phone is ringing. I think it’s your boyfriend.” Mom hollered from downstairs. I descended the stairs quickly and picked my phone up from the dining table. “FYI, not my boyfriend,” I informed her and accepted the call.

“He is! You’re blushing. You like him!” Mom shouted from behind.

“I really like your mom, you do know that, right? She tend to say things that I enjoy listening to.”

“Shut up, what do you want? Why’d you call?”

“I suddenly had the urge to hear your voice,”

“She’s smiling! Like crazy!” Mom shouted again. I glared at her and went upstairs.

“Nice to know that.” he chuckled.

“Where are you? Why do I hear cars?”

“I’m driving. I’m going to Nick’s.”

“Your mom told you not to go out at night. Why are you so stubborn?!”

“She knows, I think. Stop acting like my mother and start acting like my girlfriend, will ya?” I just smiled at the statement but said nothing. My tone might give it away.

“You’re smiling, I know you are. Something’s good bound to happen. I can feel it.”

“And that is?”

“Getting an I love you from you, perhaps?”

“Drive carefully, let’s not talk on the phone while driving, okay? Bye.”

“Bye.”

When I went downstairs, Mom smiled at me. “You like him.”

“Like him as a friend. Not more than that. Don’t get crazy ideas, okay?” I sat down on the dining table and Mom started serving dinner. We had dinner and I started talking about Liam’s friends. Mom listened with interest. After we had done, my mom told me I was lucky to have Liam. He had somehow helped me understand myself. In a way nobody could. I suddenly realized how I don’t mind losing control when it comes to being loud and rough. I even accepted the fact I’m not a pretty sight but still, I’m cool.

My phone started ringing and it could only mean one person. “Speak of the devil,” I said, already smiling to myself.
I couldn’t explain the feelings. My heart, it stopped for a few moments. And then it started beating quickly, pumping more blood in a short while. It felt like it stopped. I might repeat this over and over again because I have nothing else to say. There’s nothing else I managed to say. I pursed my lips and just lay there. I stared into nothing, slowly feeling the tears to come out. I gulped something hard and it hurt my throat. I started shaking and slowly, my voice came out. Crying was so painful. I cried until my head hurt and my tears had dried, numbing my whole face. How was it even possible? He was so alive when we talked. How could he be gone soon after?

To know how you love someone is when they are truly gone.

Liam was already losing his sight.
“Oh, you haven’t heard? I quit football.”
I never realized.
“Spending more time with you.”
“Why?”
“To look at you and keep it in my head so I’d remember.”
Didn’t even try to put the pieces together.
“Mine would be not knowing how to trust anyone to help me deal with my problems,”
Wasn’t even curious.

He was going blind. His visions would blur at times. He was going to fix it. It was scheduled next week. Not telling his mother that he was going out was a mistake. I didn’t know the details of the accident but knowing that he drew his final breath there, I couldn’t bring myself to know more. If only he had trust me enough to tell me. If only I had told him that I loved him so there would be someone who he would trust other than his parents. If only I had done something to him that would make me cherish it. If only.

I’m unlovable but a person managed to love me, in a way I will never understand.

This is the story of how Liam had loved and left me.

–END–