She came to me. When she wrapped me, I felt the world’s best pleasant place. My hot breaths made her uncontrollable. I felt her heartbeat so loud. She started breathing so loud. Like, she was trying to actuate me. I looked at her face; her closed eyes were explaining her eagerness. I felt her jactitation. Slowly she was trying to dissolve in me. The way she twiddling her fingers in my hair.
With great difficulty she was able to speak my name.
J – A – I
I felt her body oscillating.
Today it happened for first time that I stop myself at a pinnacle. I do not know why I did this. But I felt that I did the right thing.
Anika: What happen baby?
I realized on that day retreated myself actually I did wrong. I realized that these steps make rift in relationship.
Why I took my steps back today even I don’t know. I was a little hurt by my decision. Tears of her eyes took me back to her. She became like a lifeless statue.
I felt like she was trying to recover all our days that we had missed in past. She put her head on my chest. Her tears explained me the situation through which she had suffered in few past days.
Me: Will you marry me?
Anika: hmmm (she concussion her head as yes)
Me: By the way I forgot to ask you one thing.
Me: How did you spent past days? I mean have you been to office in last days?
Anika: No I haven’t, without you my whole world was subsided.
Me: Oh my baby.
Anika: Don’t sprinkle salt on wounds.
Me: I have a surprise for you.
Anika: We have reached our home at the same time. You were in front of me. So you had prepared surprise for me in few seconds.
Me: I stole one of the tricks of superman.
Anika: Really! Then I surely want to see that.
Me: Okay, Could you please give me a candle.
Anika: Are you serious. What’s going on inside your nasty mind?
Me: Nothing baby please give a candle to me.
She stood up from bed with her tangled hairs.
She brought a burning candle. She asked innocently, that what was the next thing that we were going to do.
Me: Let’s get marry.
Anika: Are you crazy? Is this the way to get married?
Me: Always be different. (Jokingly)
Anika: Oh Jai! I will marry you in front of this world.
Me: We don’t have to marry for world. We have to spent our life. We have to live together. We have to survive in our difficult situations. What we have to do with this world.
Anika: I understand but… (I interrupted her)
Me: Will you me marry me?
Me: You want to marry me because you want me. Have you ever asked the world or have you consult with world before loving me.
Me: Then there is not point of thinking about this world. In our hard time we have to survive. This world will not come to hold our hand. We have to spend our life with each other.
Me: I don’t want to be old because of you. I want to senile with you. I want to spend my each second with you.
Anika: You win!
Me: So the auspicious moments is passing lets take the wedding vows.
Anika: Hmmm but there no one a part of us. I mean savant.
Me: If girl and boy are ready so what is the requirement of cleric.
Anika: Not bad.
We begin with our wedding wows. That small fire of candle became liturgical for us. I imbue her with ocher.
Me: Oh shit!
Anika: What happen?
Me: I forget to tell you one most important thing.
Me: We will be launching our football team after marriage.
Anika: Are you crazy? You mean to say I have to procreate 11 babies.
Me: So what we both will be doing hard work? You know day and night. (Jokingly)
Anika: Not at all, I don’t want to be a proliferate machine.
Me: Just kidding.
Anika: I know my demented boy.
Me: So where you want to go for honeymoon?
Anika: Ummmmm, Lets go UK.
Me: Are you serious, we have to wait for visa and I didn’t even applied for passport till now. You mean to say I have to stop myself for next 2-3 months. No, please say that this is a joke.
Anika: I mean to say Uttrakhand (UK). We are leaving tomorrow evening.
Me: I was just on the stage of heart attack.
Anika: So be thankful to me for saving your life again.
Me: Thank you so much.
Anika: So, do we have any plan for lunch today.
Me: How can you be so boring?
Anika: Oh! Don’t be silly haan. I am going to order it online. Tell me what do you want?
Me: Whatever you like?
Anika: Chicken, Mutton.
Me: I think poison will be better.
Anika: Just kidding baby I know that you are 100% vegetarian. Can I order mix veg.
Me: It’s being a long time I haven’t eat Bhindi.
Anika: That’s my cute baby. So sweet haan. Let me order the dishes.
Me: I believe you will not be looking for different colors in breads. Because they are in one color only.
Anika: Oh really. Keep quite now.
Me: Okay. I’ll be eating one bread only.
Anika: Fine any dessert or sweet.
Me: Yes I would like to take almond milkshake.
Anika: Good choice.
She ordered the lunch through Zomato. Now rats started jumping inside my stomach. I was not hungry before but after hearing the name of tasty Bhindi. I was so hungry, uncontrollable. My baby was hungry too. Now we were waiting to pass 30 minutes desperately.
Me: Baby, can I ask you something?
Me: if I’ll be calling you Anu, is there any problem?
Anika: If you take my name with love I have no problem.
Anika: Haww, You mean to say I am so ungly.(Sadly)
Me: You know, some relationships are not considered with blood, there are also some blood sucking.
Anika: Haww, You are so bad? (Pretending to be crying)
Me: Now say that you will not be eating lunch today.
Anika: I got you now. You are doing this all just because that I will not be eating lunch. You are so miser.
Me: hehehe Just kidding.
Anika: No you are not.
Me: I swear baby, I was just kidding.
Anika: hmmm, so tell me when we are going to meet with my new mom and dad.
Anika: Your mom will accept me as your wife?
Me: Yes, they will for sure (Saying this I lie down in her lap)
Anika: I wish
Me: Trust me after meeting with my family all your anxiety will change to smile.
Me: Why are we discussing about family and all. We are new married couple it’s time to romance.
Me: Your tangled hairs are like dark clouds. I just want to lost here.
Anika: You are so talkative. Keep quite.
By saying this, she started falling over me. I felt like a vibration arose in her body. With her trembling hands she took her fingers in my hair.
From where, she learn this magic; She was demented once again even me too. The way, she breakdown on me. The way she grabbed me so tightly.
Suddenly the door bell rang. We both got stucked.
Anika: I will kill this person.
Me: Baby the whole world is engaged to disturb us. I am so disappointed.
Anika: Why so serious? We have called him. Look at the window.
Me: Oh yeah Zomato..
Anika: Wait! Let me collect the order.
Me: hmmm! Serve the lunch on table I am coming.
Next moments we were sitting in table after a long time. She took the first bite for me. Today once again I was eating Bhindi with my sweetheart. I was happy that we will be eating our lunch dinner & breakfast together for next 10 days at least.
Me: I want to eat this whole lunch from your hands.
Anika: Hey weak person, I am your wife so it’s your job.
Me: So what, a wife cannot do this for husband.
Anika: Concentrate on lunch, I’ll be feeding you today only.
Me: I wish my hand was fractured.
Anika: Don’t you think it’s to much.
Me: No, at least I will get to eat with your hands.
Anika: Oh! So you will be wishing this. (Angirily)
Me: Okay Baba sorry! But all I want to say is that please feed with your hands.
Anika: Okay fine.
Me: Baby can we go to Valley of Flower in Auli (a small village in Uttrakahand)
Anika: Idea is good. But I was thinking to drop the plan. You have to spend your time in a normal weather.
Me: Shit! So finally our whole planning has flushed into gutter.
Anika: Unfortunately, but we will be going next month.
Me: Promise me!
Anika: Ohooo I promise, if you will be fine.
Me: This is cheating, if I’ll be not fine so it doesn’t mean that we will be immurement inside house.
Anika: Whatever, I’ll be here with you. One more thing I’ll be staying here only now, with my husband.
Me: Then I don’t think that we need to go anywhere. If my sweetheart is here so here is the world’s most beautiful place.
Me: No, I am not, you are my world. Without you I am incomplete.
Anika: I know that how much you love me. By the way it’s time to take medicine and then a nap. Then we will go for hangout in evening.
Me: Yes dietary is also at end stage.
Anika: So I have to make the list for all materials. You can sleep. (She gave me medicine along with glass of water)
Me: I’ll be not able to sleep. You have to stay there with me.
Anika: Don’t worry, the intoxication of medicine will force you to sleep.
Me: That’s great, so it’s mean from today onwards in don’t have to spend the money on liquor.
Anika: So funny, now go to bed. I am coming in 5 minutes.
I came in the room. Forget everything I fell on the bed. The effect of the medicine drug had begun. Everything was going to be hazy. Eyes were becoming cumbersome.
Waking up efforts was underway. I wanted to say something, but with my eyes, my lips were the stanched. Like all revolved round. I found myself in a spinning vortex. I have not cried for help, and no one was able to see me in this trouble.
I started begging God. Maybe God had granted the same. My throat was dry. I found great difficulty screaming for water.
“A N I K A – W A T E R – P L E A S E”
Thirst discomfort forced me to get up. I tried, but I probably due to being intoxicated, I fell on floor. I was choked. God had mercy on my condition.
Suddenly on my face I felt a hand touch. I was familiar with that touch. That touch showed me a console that everything was fine. I felt like my throat was cold. I recognized that it was water. I felt relieved.
Yes it was Anika. Thank god she reached on right time. Otherwise I was about to die.
Anika: What happen baby? Are you okay? (Kissing on my forehead)
Let’s get up and take rest.
She took me by supporting. Today I felt I had been so weakened. I felt darkened in front of my eyes. Perhaps more than me, she was panicked. I had trouble however she was suffering on pain.
I was just so sad because as much as I love her also gave her a lot of tears. These were some difficult moments of my life. Sometimes I wanted freedom from my body. But her tears forced me to live.
The next moment her anger on my droll. Then her lap with energetic kiss on my forehead. The way she twiddle her fingers in my hair. I wish my life will similar abatement. I’m used to a bit of peace because of that smile on her face. I always wanted to stay in her arms but not with being sick. I always wanted to hear her heartbeat. I just wanted to feel the way she breathes.
I heard from many people; if you want preserve your love with your dearest ones so it is better to stay away from them. Probably same happened with me. Our proximity became the reason of our overcome.
Now this was the time to test our love, the power of our relationship. I spent 5 days in the big peace and love. I was much better than had been previously. Now I do not had headache. I did not even felt dizzy after eating the medicines.
I walk after her whole day like a child. If she was in the kitchen I used to chop the vegetables. No matter if the dish had to cooked or not, but I had to chop. Some she gets upset with me.
To tease me she put a pack of cigarettes in the corridor on the refrigerator. She was just testing my patience. To tease her I had discover a new way. I put a cigarette in mouth in front of her eyes. Then I pretend to find matchbox. She always used smiled and kept herself busy with work.
These habits were stinging her slowly inside. I do not have a clue in this game. When, all these things to her were irritated. I didn’t feel, even I never understood about this and she did not try too.
Today after dinner, we both were lying on bed. I was enjoying the magic of her fingers in my hairs. I feel that I was the most happiest person on the earth.
Anika: Jai, can I ask you something?
Me: Yes for sure.
Anika: How will you live without me?
Me: I will look for a other woman.
Anika: Not bad.
Me: But make sure that you will not kill me.
Anika: No, how can I do this.
Me: Just kidding, I will do your job if you will leave me.
Anika: You mean to say suicide.
Me: No way, why should I will suicide. I am talking about your murder.
Anika: Oh! Great planning.
Me: Not that much, but I have a plan for tonight.
Anika: Plan dropped.
Me: Why what happened?
Anika: Nothing I am sleepy. Good night.
Me: What, are you serious?
Anika: Yes I am, and don’t speak a single word now.
Me: I am sorry if I have said something wrong.
Anika: There is nothing like that, all I have to say is good night. And please do not disturb me now.
Me: Sweet dreams, but please remember that you haven’t kissed me on my forehead today before sleeping.
Anika: Don’t be kid Jai. Do you want me to sleep outside in hall?
Me: No, you can continue. I am not going to disturb you now.
Anika: Thank god!
I stood up from the bed. I remember the packet of cigarette on the fridge. I walked towards the fridge. The moment, I pick the packet of cigarette my hands shivering. I lit a cigarette.
I turned back to look inside the room. She was standing there on the door. She closed the door with her full power. Seeing this single louse didn’t creep on me. Because of my anger I wasn’t able to feel about her.
Small mistakes always lesion bigger. For me it was just a small mistake but for her I had broke all the promises.
I was not in the mood of sleeping. But I do not know that when I slept. I wake up in the morning. She was sleeping too. I muffled the bed sheet on her. I took a glass of water.
I thought to take the fresh air of the morning.
Next moment I was sitting in the park today. My cellphone started ringing.
I looked at the watch it was 6 AM.
Me: Good Morning Mom
Mom: Good Morning, how are you my nightingale? (Mom always called me with this name Nightingale)
Me: I am good. How about you?
Mom: I have just finished with my morning tea. Just going to take my medicine.
Me: What happened to you? Are you okay?
Mom: I am fine my son, just because of growing old facing some problem with this aging body.
Me: Could you please be straight forward?
Mom: Nothing my son I facing a problem of Blood Pressure.
Me: So you should need to eat healthy and light food. I mean to say fruits and all.
Mom: I am trying. By the way we have happy news for you.
Me: What? (Knit dream)
Mom: We have a surprise for you? But it can be only disclosed once you are here.
Me: Oh nice! By the way I also have a surprise for you.
Mom: What you got married?
I was shocked here, how did my mom know that?
Mom: Just kidding my son. Want to see you soon.
Me: For sure next month I’ll be there for sure.
Mom: Take care.
Me: You too.
Call got disconnected. Today I thought it was a right time to take my sweetheart to my family. To show her my family, not only mine. My family was also her family now. I thought to give her surprise.
I quickly arrived on my flat. She was sitting in hall with coffee.
Me: Good Morning sweet heart.
Anika: Where were you?
Me: Down in the park. By the way you haven’t reply of my “Good Morning”
Anika: Then what, if I will not reply you. So your whole day will be worst.
Me: What happen to you?
Anika: Nothing today I am just leaving for my home.
Me: Why? What happen? Is everything fine?
Anika: yes everything is fine, even awesome.
Me: What happened to you?
Anika: I said nothing. By the way I want to share news with you.
Me: Yes tell me.
Anika: I am getting married. In November.
Me: What,is this a joke? But we already got married.
Anika: That was not a marriage. It was just a contract to stay with you. To enjoy with you.
Me: Enough! Shut your mouth. Do you really think that you were enjoying in the barricade of my love.
Anika: Then what? I just want to free from you.
Me: Great! You can go now, Get out from my house.
Anika: I have train from New Delhi railway station in evening.
Me: Then what, I just want you to get lost right now. That mean I don’t wanna see your face for a more single second.
Anika: What, now you feeling scorn.
Me: Why should I. I just don’t wanna see your face now.
Anika: Fine I am just leaving. Do I have 1 hour in order to pack my clothes and important thing.
Me: You can take your time. I am leaving from here and I will be waiting in park. Give me a call when you are done.
I didn’t speak a single word. Nor she didn’t do any arguments. I don’t know what was going inside her mind. What happened to her?
Me: Hey Anika I don’t know what is my mistake here. What’s wrong with you?
Anika: Do you really think that there is something wrong with me?
Me: Oh God! I am Sorry. Is that you want me to say?
Anika: Go to hell; put your sorry in your pocket. I am just leaving.
Me: You know what, this is just a useless argument that we are discussing.
Anika: Do you really think that this is a argument. This is just a decision, the way I took the decision to stay with you. In the same way I have took a decision to leave from here.
Me: It’s not that much easy.
Anika: Not that much hard as well. We are humans; we can face the every truth easily.
Me: Oh! Wow what a sequence. We are humans.
Anika: See Jai it’s better to distinct now.
Me: Why Anika? Why you doing this? (I fell on my knees)
Anika: Jai as simple is that my mom will never accept this relationship.
Me: Before coming in relationship have you discussed with your mom.
Anika: See I am sorry for that. Really I am sorry for this.
Me: Yes that’s my girl, sorry, sorry. If I could see the person who invent this word “Sorry” I am ready to spend my whole life in jail.
Anika: What can I do?
Me: Is this what I want to hear.
Anika: Then what? And what’s your problem buddy. It’s my personal life so I am leaving.
Me: Oh so it’s your personal life. Great!
Anika: Never think about to interrupt me. For now it’s good bye.
Me: Good luck for your new life.
Anika: What do you mean here?
Me: See I can be either truthful or liberal. If you have found a better guy then me so I wish that you will live happy. Even he will take care of you more than me.
Anika: Do you really think that, it is going to happen. Or there is something like this.
Me: You know what; you haven’t gave me a reason to leave me.
Anika: I have lost all reasons to love you now. You are irritating to me now.
Me: Interest, Great. Now can I request you something?
Anika: Yes please.
Me: Are you leaving form here, or shall I through you out.
Anika: Yes I was leaving but you engaged me in your conversation.
Me: Whatever, now I don’t want to see your face again.
Anika: I promise I will never.
Me: Remember if you have ever loved me. The day you will show me your face I will kill myself.
Anika: I promise this eventuality will never come.
Me: I wish.
Anika: I am leaving, anything you want to say. You want to slap me or you want to abuse me. So you can.
Me: No need for that, you can simply leave.
Anika: Good bye forever.
I could not speak anything. My throat got dried. I stood staring gazing her. I wish she could give a reason through which I was convinced. But it never happens, if someone is leaving you. No matter how logical the reason is but we cannot convince our self.
I don’t know why it happens; the person we love most will be the reason of our hatred. But here it was completely different; I wasn’t able to hate her. Even I wasn’t able to scorn her.
Today for first time the door of my house was opened. I was waiting that she will come back. There was a trust, she will come back to fight with me.
But reality was that nobody came back if he or she is gone. She came in my life like spring then she left me alone in autumn. I stood there for a long time. But she didn’t come back. I faced the truth.
Suddenly, I saw her cellphone on the table. A wave of joy arose in my heart. Now, she will come back, I will convince her.
I was waiting for her from an hour. But she didn’t come. I took her cellphone I saw the notepad was opened in phone with a message written on it.
“I know once you will find my cellphone you will be waiting for me. But trust me it is not going to happen that I will come back again. Try to understand the truth. I have no reasons to leave you, but I think we are not in this world for each other. Every moment that I spend with you is unforgettable for me. We have successfully completed 335 days together. I think it is enough for me. I can’t endure this much happiness. So I took this decision last night when you slept. Humble request to you please don’t try to contact me. I have left my old phone number here only. I have erased all the contacts from cellphone.”
I do not know why people show their empathy. First they will allow to sit you in their kayak and then they left you in the ocean beach.
It was evening that I was lying drunked. Drenching my eyes where have you gone today? Without you life now seems to be a burden.
I promise that I will never argue with her. I will never fight with her. I was begging to god. Please send her back. Without her how I’ll be able to sleep.
I miss her; I miss the feeling of being curled up in her arms. With her fingers intertwined and the soft feel of my breath on her neck.
That was an outrage with her. Her sudden move to leave me, in the burden of her memories was I suppressed myself. I made myself aware of the pain.
I wish there was an option to delete all the memories from our heart and mind. But at last I was human, I realize. I felt crappy inside. Like there was something broken inside my heart. That I was always feeling, what was it? Is that the same girl who shoved me in the dark? Who force me to close my house doors? Keep myself in the dark, to keep myself always busy in her memories. Who was responsible for all this?
Fine, I convinced myself in last that there will be a compulsion with her. There was also a bit grievance her. Only a question was there now that why she left me? If this was her plan from starting then, why she choose me only? Why not others?
I remember the way she laughs with me. I realize today if everything is going perfectly and happiness are coming to your door unexpectedly. It means that a mountain filled with sadness is waiting for you. Take out someone of oblivion and then shove again to the same place.
I changed to silent by your memories. Loving memories are enough to break a human. She even didn’t give me a chance to prove myself. I hope she forgives me once. I accept that with my one mistake I have broke the several promises.
Now there was no way to reach her. I broke myself in alcohol intoxication. I realize if there is no one left who cares about you, then you can’t stop yourself with the bad habits. Same happened with me. I dipped myself so drunk, like everything has plundered.
She left some good habits. Like to get up early in the morning, cook breakfast early in the morning. I wake up early in the morning but I had no relation with hunger.
Of course some discomfort increased for me. I was just worried about to handle myself. Still I was sinking more. I was praying to God to give me death. But I have heard from many mouths that death cannot be come from prayers. From prayers we can only save lives but here it was just opposite.
My one mistake separated me from my life. I do not have any hope or imminent. I know her very well that she will never came back. I wish I could keep all the promises but no I wasn’t able to. She left me for a reason “Smoking”
It was a small reason for me. But for her I had broken the promise that I made to her. After all she hasn’t forced me to make the promise. I took this decision with myself. I understood today that
“A second chance doesn’t always mean to make the things right it’s a chance to end the things unexpectedly”
It is said that if someone is going to come, the time does not take a pause. But if someone go away forever so the time and we will stucked at the same place. I have realized that How difficult is it to breathe without a heart.
My time was like subsided without her. I was battling with my life. After all she was not my need, she was not my habit. Habits can be changed or they can be skipped. If we are addicted to something, that thing needs to present in front of us anyhow. I was addicted of her and I was summoned for her.
If life becomes difficult, so it’s better to end the reason of difficulty. My life was the reason for this difficulty. So I decided to destroy this difficulty. I decided to give up from this body.
I made a promise to myself to take more pain. Like the way diamond cuts diamond. My pain will be cutting pain. I decided to take lot of things but at last I felt that it was not enough to take me on that level of pain.
03:00 PM (19th August 2014)
I was sitting in the hall with broken dreams in my empty eyes. I was hungry. This was right time to punish myself. The punishment I decided for me was to cook Bhindi and to eat them alone.
I walked towards kitchen I took the Bhindi’s out from refrigerator. While chopping the Bhindi’s I felt like I was cutting myself. Today I was cooking very carefully. I filled the spice very carefully in bhindi’s fried them nicely.
Like whole building started dancing with the aroma. I felt that someone came inside my house. It seems that someone was trying skulking behind the curtains. I heard Anika’s voice from the room. A voice echoed from bedroom. “Jai”
I quickly ran towards bedroom, I saw that Anika was sitting there. She was polishing her nails with nail paint. With a smile she screamed on me,
“You forget to add Maggi Spice again. I am not going to taste a single bite”
I replied no baby I am going to dredge it. Wait a moment I am coming back.
I ran towards kitchen, I dredged maggi spice on bhindi’s. I turn off the gas stove. When I came back to the bedroom there was no one inside. I quickly came back to the hall.
“Hey baby what kind of joke is this, come to the dinner table. I am waiting for you on dining table. Come fast otherwise the bhindi will get stale. Then do not blame me”
It was very hard to understand but somehow I able to convince myself that she was not there. My eyes got wet. Why these past memories are painful? Why our beautiful moments are tearful? Why we are not perfect? Why these mistakes are made for humans?
To make the bhindi’s tastier I took a bottle of poison. Might be this will work on to kill this pain. With every bite of bhindi the drop of tears were falling from eyes. I was smiling but I the situation in which I can make myself happy.
I felt a pain in my chest, yes this pain is beautiful. This pain will kill all my tears. Just a little longer then everything will be fine.
In few moments I will dissolve in this air. I’ll be invisible. I will be always with her. No matter where she will go but I will be with her forever.
I will kiss on her face with this breeze. If she will feel happy I will be able to celebrate with her. If she will be sad with this air I’ll be able to wipe her tears.
I proud of myself; that after breaking lots of promises, I will be able to keep your 1 promise.
“You said you will kill me. See how beautifully I have kept your promise.”
Whenever you will think about me, I’ll be there with you. Without you I was incomplete. So it’s better to close the incomplete chapter of our love story. Just capture the moments that we have spend together. I will always inside your heart.
Let me gave you a hard task.
A smile is the best makeup that you can always wear on your face. So keep smiling for me.