No returns expected; because it’s love…..

I always believed in chasing dreams, especially when it’s about love. No matter how unrealistic the dream might be…
One thing I knew for certain, my efforts will pay in some way, good or bad depends. Believing in myself, I resolved to write a missive to my beloved, Omi.

To dear Omi,
Hello!
It may come to you as a surprise, I admire you. The moment I saw you, in the shooting event that was telecasted live few days back on the television. Your smile has got hold of my essence, such a refreshing it was.
Well, firstly, I would like to congratulate you on your vast success in the shooting event; I admire you as an athlete as good. What a great marksman, you are.
And lastly, wanted to allege that something has turned me on, I adore you a greatly. May be, this sound crazy, unreal and foolish, but whatsoever I now love you a lot. Hope you revert back with a letter or call, as you receive this.
Contact me here. 032******68
With all the best wishes and boons
Yours
Maya
* * *

Unsure of what I have made out, what are the effects; I barely shoot it over the address that I have set up over the profits after many attempts. I was impatient, worried; but altogether I could do was to sit backwards and wait till I throw anything from his side.

At my home there were a bit of discussions between me and my friends regarding this spirit of love; everyone fired me with different questions and subjected me to a test. The person I haven’t realized, I haven’t met, I don’t know; how can I fall in love with him? Simply because he presents a pretty smile, and he is a celebrity you are in the following. This just can’t be love, it’s only that you like his sport, and so you admire him for it; you are a crazy little fan of his. This is not what we all scream “love”.

Everyone attempted to wash my brain, probably they would have got successful if it was some brains; well it was about heart. And then my heart decided; and very strongly declared it as passion….. Just love.

Waiting is never easy, regardless of the subject that we are yearning for. It creates anxiety, and a great heap of pressure deep down. But sometimes we have no other choice since nothing is in our hands and all we could do is to sit back and see how the things turn out in the coming future.

Faith is a large mess in life; we rely on this in our complete existence. Keeping myself positive, I decided not to jinx it by believing too much more or less it.

For me, I was shooting out aimlessly to reach out to my favourite gun. Though I was occupied with my lectures and my professional life, being a professor requires a large pot of elbow grease. I kept myself occupied so as to avert any form of discussion within me.

And then the day arrived, I will treasure all through my lifetime, unforgettable moment…..

* * *

I was turned on to see his message on my cell phone, but was uneasy as well, what if he is not Omi and someone merely trying to misuse, or attempting to create fun out of me. Hence, I merely replied back, saying don’t fool me around, I recognize you are not the one I’m looking for.

And then he reverted back saying, he is the one and it’s up to me to trust or not. I was still anxious, and then I asked one of my friends to call him on my behalf and speak to him. I thought will ask few questions and go over them with the data I know, so as to decide, whether the person I am talking to is the one I wanted or someone else.

The conversation between them lasted for almost 15-20 minutes, and all the curious questions were taken. Out of all this, I came to realize one thing for sure, what an amazing man he is, extremely humble. He actually took an effort to take the letter, and ring me back. This incident made me feel more tied. I never imagined he would ever behave that for some ordinary mortal. For this I will esteem him all through my spirit. He is a strong personality… He is real athletic, really driven, motivated man and enjoys what he serves.

Everything went all right with that conversation, but the only problem was, I was not the division of it. Since the complete conversation was between Omi and my friend. Hence, I thought, will send him a message apologizing for my action, since my friend was speaking to him without expressing the true statement that she wasn’t me. Not her fault, I simply told her to do that.

He responded back saying, it’s perfectly fine and I can call him back if I desire to. Without giving a second idea, I decided to call him back. And started the conversation, it was the pleasure to talk to him. He had manly, hard and determined voice; confidence can be heard through it.

While conversing, I remarked how much I like him, how thankful I am for his call and congratulated him on his vast success. Even when everything ran fine during the lecture, I was sort of disgruntled. The reason for it, I was not able to understand.

The period of my dissatisfaction was, I didn’t mention it clearly that I love him. I was unable to show my actual opinions, and this made me feel pitiful. But was confused on the other side, will it sound nice and justified if I say this to him, the very first time I talked.

Then I generated a midway out, let me text him asking, can we be friends? In all likelihood by doing so will help me to know him more and slowly I can vocalize what I feel exactly. I immediately did so, but there was no reply. I waited for all most an hour.

Waiting for reply made me little sad, I was instantly scared to lose him. His silence was killing me from inside. But I waited more, thinking he might have got busy with something and will reply back as and when he will be liberal. But afternoon turned into evening and then to night. There was still no reply. The reason I didn’t call him myself because I never wanted to look desperate, though I was.

That night was a long, long night. I was not able to sleep, my eyes kept finding out on my telephone. I got over it in every single minute. I was very restless; I started to cry and cried all night. I don’t know what to do? How am I supposed to handle all this? This was the first time I was feeling insane and helpless.

* * *

Following dawn, my eyes were puffed up. Everyone at home questioned, but I had no answer. I just moved out of home for work. As I climbed down the steps, I dialled Omi’s cell phone number.

“Hello, ” he said.

“Hello, it’s me Maya” I replied.

“Oh! Yes, I recall”

“You didn’t reply, to my yesterday’s message, I am sorry if I asked something indecent” I said apologetically.

“No, it’s not like that; it’s just that I am already in committed relationship”

“What? I didn’t get you,” I said with a surprise.

(The call disconnected, due to network issues)

Well, more than surprise, I had a heart break. The person I love is already in love with someone, and now what am I supposed to do? How should I react to this tale?

I thought back I needed to call him back and expand the conversation; this sharp end will appear unfair. And so I grew up and strained to explain him, all I want is to be a friend and not a girl. I strained to explain him that I really look up to him and will cherish his friendship, if he gives me an opportunity. But all passed in vain, he kept on reciting that his girl, don’t like all this, and he is in no mood to lose his relationship for this friendship.

I love him, however, I could reconcile myself with his friendship, but he was stern not to pay that too. And in such a state, I was left with no choice except to leave him. But this was surely not going to be easy for me. I wanted to distress myself, and determined to accept a leave for a daytime and spend some time alone analysing what went incorrect. And what should be my next step? How do I make it work?

* * *

What I considered to be worst was just the beginning of bad. I was struggling every night to sleep, each day was getting horrible and the pain grew deeper and deeper. This pain will have to be suffered; these tears will have to be shed. If I complain or make a plea, it will be a disgrace to love.

And one night, while I was lying down on my bed thinking about the man I love, I received a call from his number.
“Hello,” I read enthusiastically.

“Maya, right?” female replied.

“Yes, whom am I speaking to?” I demanded.

“It’s Riya, Omi’s fiancé”

“Oh! Ok.” I responded

“Mind, girl, don’t you even attempt to call my man, else mark my words I am proceeding to defeat you” she said angrily.

“Hey! I remember, there is confusion, I haven’t called him”

“Whatever, mind it, I know what kind of girl you are, so if at all you try to get in contact with him, I am going to sue you.” She disconnected.

I wish that I was never in love with you, and then this story of mine wouldn’t be the true statement. Neither would I have sacrificed my heart to you nor would I be compelled. There wouldn’t be the conventions of the globe. On that point wouldn’t be this disaster. Maybe I have passed over the lines in love. Yes, Riya was right, I was wrong. I should have stopped myself, at that very point when he did not reply to my friendship’s proposal.

“Was I very wrong?” This question banged my head. Likely no, I only needed him to be a friend, and when he said no, I didn’t even attempt to convert him. It’s hardly that I tried calling him twice, but later on I quit, Then why all this issue.

Yes! Agree, I love him, he is important for me, but I also accepted the fact that he is not ready to be with me, not even as a friend. And so why am I blamed, and what for? I need to take this question, from the person for whom I induced to face all this, and hear this nonsense.

Whatever good or bad, god knows it well, whatever is there in a person’s heart, God knows about it. And I was sure, I had no wrong intentions. It was simply that I was interpreted wrong, and then it was my obligation to make Mr. Omi understand that I am at no fault. I have not committed any crime, for which I need to be litigated.

It got my ambition, to make Omi understand and see that I was not wrong, it was just misinterpreted. All I wanted was friendship, nothing more. But I understood such a wish will consume my life. I could sense the pain already, but still I thought I had to do this. It was my entire fault that I fell so intensely in love. There was no difference left for me in living or dying, because I was already grappling with life. This incident had shattered me into pieces.

I called Omi, just to talk about the conversation that I threw last night with Riya. It was important to talk about it with him.

“Hello,” he stated.

“Maya here” I replied back.

“Yes, what happened”

“You don’t know, your girlfriend called me last night”

“Ok, what did she say”

“Threatened and abused me for no reason.”

“I am regretful, she is a bit insecure person.”

“No, that’s not the way. I was so hurt. She can’t say whatever she desires.”

“I am apologizing. It happens.”

“But why? Tell me, have I done something wrong? Did I upset you? Then why”

“Ok listen Maya, you involve to understand my commitments. It’s my obligation to make her comfortable.”

“I go in, but is it going to be at the cost of somebody else getting pain.”

“I am sad, but I truly can’t help”

“Ok! As you say” I said slowly.

“Listen, I really can’t keep everyone around me happy, someone will get hurt, I am sorry that it’s you this time.”

“Well then bye!” I disconnected.

It was hard for me to make him understand, I was dumb. For him it will never matter what I survived through all these days and particularly last night. If he desires, he can forget me at any dot of time, I don’t even matter to his spirit, but I cannot forget him just like that, as have loved him. Though, at that place, was no value of my love or my feelings, however I just can’t allow this to get off.

There were thousands of desires, each worth dying for, each related to my love. Many of them I came to see only after talking to Riya. Why should I blame Riya or Omi for the stock which will continuously flow through my eyes all my lifetime? This was the worst and the most humiliating dismissal, I ever fronted. During this stage, I moved around to drinking (alcohol) and then the time came when my entire world was filled with drinks, agony and hurt. I was thus let down by this spirit that I really started to believe that I should not live any further.

What has happened to my heart, what was this pain for? What was the remedy for this, after all? I hope for love for one who doesn’t recognize what it entails to be loved. I was nervous and eager, he was cold and displeased, and this created total misery in my spirit. When you and Riya both knew, I actually don’t matter, then why was this issue created? Was it just to make me feel disgraced? I had already withdrawn myself. I always loved you more than my life; I don’t know what prayers are about?

Day passes well, since job kept me absorbed. But nights were horrible, nothing was helpful. Whole night long I keep gazing at stars, drink, and cry. The biggest problem starts, when our happiness becomes the attribute of others. And this difficult phase has popped out in my life.

With every passing day, I struggle to brush over this pain. The nights were more savage, just one question in my mind, how to resolve this conflict. What should I do to make him see my situation? He should have at least afforded me a chance to speak and meet me once. I never said let’s make out, all I wanted was a genuine friendship. This suffering was taking over me.
* * *
While I was busy trading with my mess, one of my friends suggested me an alternative direction to reach Omi. She pronounced “why don’t I grab one of his allies and ask him to avail me, perchance he can direct me?”

I was so light, that I immediately agreed to what she said without giving a second opinion about it. It was like using someone for our benefit, which was definitely against my principles. But love made me so blind that I blanked out everything.

To make him understand was one agenda, and next I have to fetch his friend as well. This was another big issue, how to reach to his ally? In such a state of mind, a thought clicked by, why don’t I try reaching Dev? He was Omi’s partner in one of the shooting event. And he was the only familiar name for me, out of his life. So he was my only option, I had to strike on him. Without getting into too much discussion, I decided to make an effort.

It seemed, god was in complete favour of my every action. Without putting much of the effort, I got to where I desired to. Dev and I set up a meeting. The only problem was that I had to flee to a different city to see him. But it didn’t matter, because it was worth. At last I am conforming to my friend, Dev, who will help me reach to my Love.

Dev was a tall and handsome human being. He delivered a strong personality, and he was a great friend of Omi. We both decided to meet over lunch, and then he will take me to show one of the shooting range, where Omi and Dev practice together. Though, I haven’t mentioned, him about my feelings for Omi, but I thought will tell him once we take on.

The trouble with life is, you contrive it in a direction, and it creates the other account. I thought Dev was my ally, but eventually he was not. Matters turned out bad; he got our friendship to some other level and treated me indecently. We were at one of his friend’s place; I was totally unknown about the position and the intentions. All I could do in such a situation was to plead.

All that was happening around was looking like a bad dream, though it was the realism. Why things were turning out tough, was question for me. The situations I was facing were difficult, but more than that they were soul breaking.
Life is never uncomplicated, it’s always complex. And this time was the most laborious of all times for me. Probably things could have spilled more, but with the gods graze I was saved a small. Dev stopped somehow, after my much request.

I was blank, completely smashed. Was my decision to meet Dev was ill timed. I should have never started this. But to a greater extent than this, it was my love for Omi, which made me pay such high price, costing my self-worth.
I recalled the courage, and asked Dev to drop me home. He agreed, the road along which we were driving was long and quiet. The traffic was high, honking all around, even so, no talks between us. In all likelihood he was sad, that whatsoever he thought didn’t come around. And for me it was, whatever occurred should have never happened.

I was going mad; I only wanted to get back home early. It was not just about the forceful intimacy that I blended through, it was about the feelings. The feeling which was cracked into bits in such a style that likely can never be reached again, it was terrorizing my soul.

At times, many challenging situations don’t depress, but one bad situation changes the man completely, lets out the person altogether. The person I was anticipating to help me, to reach my destination, was the one who took me away
from it.

More than love, this has worked out to be madness, and this madness will surely get you fame Omi. As I ran out of the automobile, I confessed to Dev that I like Omi; I came to discover you just because I want to know about him, and I wanted to make him. Dev smiled and said no use as such, he is entrusted to someone.

My solitude and I often read up this conversation, how it would have been, if you had been here? In all likelihood, all this would have never materialized then. The query was what am I suppose do next, should I rebel back to Dev and say you were wrong. But wasn’t he aware of what he was doing, was he so blind to see the difference between right and incorrect. The adult male, who has fame, money and is admired worldwide, shouldn’t have done this to somebody. But there was also this question, what made him think this mood? What made him do this to me, have I given any wrong signals? These were exactly the questions having no answers. But it was significant for me to get the response, since it’s the matter of my spirit and my self-opinion. Everything was at stake.

After collecting all the courage, I decided to talk to Omi. It was the most difficult decision I have ever learned in my lifespan, since talking about all this once again will remind me everything and again I had to work through the mental injury. But even then, I have to talk; it’s something that Omi should know as well. I called him….

“Hello” Omi said.

“Hey, Maya this side” I replied.

“Yes, say, how are you?”

“I am ok and what about you?”

“Good!”

“Good, I need to talk,” I sounded out slowly.

“Even I wanted to ask something”

“Ok, you ask first” make him the preference.

“Did you see Dev?” he asked

“Oh yes, and then you experience everything right?” I stated with a respite.

“Yes, why did you do that?”

“I did nothing, I was not aware about it, in fact, I am still driving myself away from all this, it was so irritating” I bust down.

“Listen, Maya, whatever occurred, try to go out of it, it’s blending to be hard, but it’s not inconceivable. After all, you are a strong girl”

“It’s so easy for you to read all this crap, this incident has claimed my life” I replied aloud.

“No, your life is not so feeble, that anyone or any such incident can take it. It’s precious and very pricey”

“You are articulating this, because of which all this took place”

“Maya, you can blame me, cuss me or whatever that can realize you experience better, but don’t keep on punishing yourself just for this single incident”

“Ok!”

“Life is long, there are many beautiful things, you will see soon” he read with exuberance

“Agreed” replied calmly

“Here I promise, I will be your ally, you can ring me up every six months and talk about whatever you feel like”

“Six months?”

“Yes, because you may not find me easily, so I stated six months”

“Ok! Thank you”

“Don’t thank me, you wanted my friendship, it’s yours now”

“Bound”

“Hope god gives you success” he disconnected.

Question answer round was over; whatever I wanted to talk about was done. All I was left with my emotions and hurt. He was so right; Riya was his obligation, love and everything, I was nothing to him. And it was and will always be a difficulty to get both of us happy altogether. Why complicate matters any further? May be it was insufferable for Omi to make Riya understand, that I always needed Omi as a friend and nothing more. Or maybe, The Omi never wanted to undertake to sort the mess so created.

Difficulties change the person, make them strong, and thusly did I. I perpetually desired to tell Omi so many things about my tone, my desire and love that I have, apart from the pain I went through, in this journey called “love”, he never threw me an opportunity, or maybe I could not. No returns expected; because its love…..

__END__