A Dream

He walked through the narrow lanes of the park with his head down. The red coloured bricks on the pavement were soothing to his crowded mind. It was the beginning of another winter but the sun was blazing down. The occasional breeze brought in a sense of relief. Strangely he felt a wave of calmness spreading over him. That surprised him. Even the thought of her usually made his palms sweaty and cold and the heart missed a few beats. But that day he felt that he was in control of his feelings and emotions for her. He looked at the world with joy and the each passing face felt friendly. The pace of walking slowed down and he took the right turn casually in a relaxed manner. The huge Banyan tree which stood majestically suddenly brought back emotions which felt familiar yet unclear. The tree covered a vast area and the roots grew down from the branches and formed grand columns.

He couldn’t find her and that didn’t surprise him. She never met him in time. He walked towards the edge of the shade and gazed at the winding road far away. The vibration of the cell phone gave him a jolt. It wasn’t her. The railings of the park were painted green. He went near it and looked away. The bridge which connected the eastern part of the city with the west seemed like floating in the air.

“Dreaming still?” She stood just behind him smiling.

He turned back and looked at her with stoic calmness. Usually he would feel jittery and uneasy in her presence.

“I was looking at the bridge over the Lake.” He said calmly. She moved close to him. The smell of perfumed coconut oil and jasmine flowers penetrated into him and the hidden passions stirred.

“Let’s walk” she held his hand. They walked to the northern side of the park. While walking he turned and looked at her. The touch of mischievousness on her face always confused him. He could not read her true feelings. Suddenly she pressed herself close to him and put her hand around his hip. A cool wind blew and winged termites flew around them.

“You are silent today. Don’t you like me to be with you now? She asked.

“No. It’s not that. I feel different today.”

“You are always dreamy. You never seem to be where you physically are… but I like that….

She sat down pulling him with her. The dry leaves crushed.

“You know what I like about you? He asked.

Her eyes widened.

“No. Don’t say it. Don’t kill the mystery. I want it to remain abstract. Drawing the innermost feelings and emotions in words melt away what is experienced.”

He looked at her deeply and laughed watching the reflection of his face in her eye balls.

“Saj I am famished”. She said.

“We will go to Sigma.” He pulled gently at her hair fallen on the face.

“Sigma” She was surprised. “It is a restaurant.”

“So it is not Ganga, Sea queen or The Rock house.” She said with a lusty look.

“We will go to a restaurant today and not a Hotel.”

He rode slowly. He was always careful when she sat behind. He felt the heat of the sun light on his exposed palms. She kissed softly on the back of his neck. He shuddered.

He could hear her giggling.

“Hey. We are on two wheels.” He warned.

He heard her giggling again and felt the softness of her cheek on his neck. He had a sense of contentment and fulfillment.

The restaurant was half empty.

They sat near the window and spoke nothing as if they have spoken everything they wanted to speak.

“Are we lovers?” she asked suddenly.

“Are we? You never like to give a name to any feeling.” He said looking away.

“Yes. I never liked to give a name to things unexplainable.”

The yellow sunshine sneaked through the window and fell on her face.

Images of different moods of her passed through his mind. Upasana in a mood of anger, of lust, of jealousy…..

Two couples walked in talking loudly. They looked at them for a second and moved to the other corner.

The smoke from the incense sticks filled the air and the fragrance was soothing. He felt solemn and otherworldly.

“I don’t want to eat any flesh today.” He said.

“I know. You feel like a monk again.” She said it with a sly smile.

They asked for lentil soup, Vegetables steamed with herbs and rotis cooked in butter. The wind blew and it brought a faint sound of devotional music.

“We have to live together. I am tired of this game.” He said.

“Game! Do you think what’s going on between us is a game?” She looked irritated.

The waiter smiled while he carefully placed the plates on the table, a smile that looked genuine.

“Why do people try to lock themselves into concepts and imaginations”? Isn’t this magic which is happening with us? Why do you want to kill the freshness and mystery in life by conforming to conventions?” There was aggression in her voice.

“I do not know. Sometimes I feel insecure and lonely. Often even in your presence I feel that you are far away from me.” He felt a pang.

She smiled and looked at him intensely.

“I need time. I don’t believe in institutionalizing feelings and emotions. We have strong feelings towards each other and I want it to remain so always.” She looked serious and irresistibly attractive.

They ate slowly and in silence.

He watched her coming back washing her hands with an expression of nonchalance.

“Let’s go” She said. “Let’s ride around.”

The sky had turned faint red in colour. He rode slowly feeling her warm body pressing against him. The noise of street sank down and he felt deep calmness.

They sat on the cement bench on the bridge near the walk way. The view was majestic. The gentle waves in the lake glistened in the fading sun light. Tall grass spread on both sides of the lake like a green carpet.

“Have you ever gone over there” she pointed to the grassy land.

“No. Have you? It must be slushy there.” He said.

“I don’t know. I feel like to go there near the embankment.” She said trying to stand up.

He thought for a while then stood up to hold her hand.

They walked under the bridge. A nauseating smell of excreta hit them.

A few metres away from the soot covered bridge they could feel the freshness of the air. A rabbit squirted away. They walked through the embankment.

Suddenly she lay down on the grassy ground closing her eyes and took a deep breath. The sky was clear with innumerable stars glistening.

“Hi dreamer, come to me.” She said. Her eyes sparkled.

He lay close to her and turned to her.

“So you want to hear that.” She asked.

“Hear what.” He said calmly.

“What I feel about you.” She looked sober and relaxed.

“No. I know. Just don’t say anything now. I think that what we feel to each other can never reach its culmination. This feeling of separation even while physically together…..” He paused.

She rolled over to him. He felt her gentle kisses on his face.

“You know what I think? I wish to be melted into you, penetrate into you, not just a part of my body but the whole of it.” He sighed.

She looked stunned then she laughed. Her laughter echoed.

“You must have been reading those hot love stories recently saj.” He smiled shyly.

She pulled him suddenly to her and kissed hard at his lips.

“You want us to get married; have children, go through the struggle every couple go through, get old gracefully together.” Is that what you think of Saj…?” He sensed a new passion in her voice.

“What if I think that way?” He hugged her tight and felt that he would need her more than anything. For the first time since he met her he felt sure of his feelings.

“Upasana, I may sound like a love crazed man, a dreamer. But I have to utter that overused sentence. Perhaps, that might reflect what I really feel for you. I love you.” He felt lighter saying that.

The tightness of her hug went soft and she gently pulled away from him. He tried to read her face in the reflection of the moon light.

Suddenly he felt a sharp intense pain in his right shoulder and thought that he brushed himself against a broken glass or a jagged stone piece.

“Oh! Saj. Move away.” Her scream reverberated in the still silence of the night.

The wide hood of the serpent rose up. A chill spread through him. He closed his eyes feeling his body losing its strength. His whole life went through his mind in a flash and he drifted into a dream. He felt that he was shrinking, getting smaller and lighter, melting away into nothing.

Fire, sacred fire climbed up from the funeral pyres. Siva danced in the crematorium, his cosmic dance.

__END__

Author: B. Praveendas