Your Love keeps me going

They were dancing under the moonlight. He brought her close to him and both were lost in each other. Her dream was interrupted by the sound of the door bell. She peeped through the “eye” and there he was –standing so tired and lost. She opened the door and spread her arms to welcome him, but he crossed her without noticing. She was hurt but still happy to have him back home. It was very obvious that he had a long tiring day.

On the dinner table she expected to have a little tete with him but he showed no signs of interest. He was almost half asleep when she came after finishing the work in the kitchen. It was as if he was just waiting her to switch off the lights. Once done he went into a deep sleep not aware of his surroundings, of her or the feelings she had. She lay there staring into the dark Her mind wandered into the past. They were married for more than 5 years now and she could not bear the changes these years had brought in her life. Her life full of enthusiasm and joy became so sad and bore .

She went back to the college days when she had received his first message –“ Hi , I am Ryan from Oxford College . Got your id from a friend in your college “.

She was nervous at first so to who was spreading her id to unknown people but had responded – “ Hey Ryan , I don’t chat on this ID . Bug me on Ang**4u@connect.com “.

She hadn’t bothered much to think about it after that . Only as a small check she asked her mates if any of them knows someone by the name Ryan and all of them had nodded in negation. Maybe someone was just trying to be a bit over-smart . World is full of such flirtatious chaps , she though. She never thought this message would change her life forever.

Angel – yes that’s what caught his eye and prompted him to send that message and left him with a question –Will the Angel respond? And yes there she was , blinking from the list of offline messages in his chat inbox. He was so thrilled to see that.

“Bug me” ? – What on earth made her feel that I am trying to bug her. His high spirits met a sudden downfall. Girls will never change and with this thought he planned to sign out . But then something within him pushed him to respond the Angel on the other Id –

“ Hi again , just to let you know , I have no intentions to BUG you. Hope you doing good “ .

He would never message her again was what he thought and signed off . But the “BUG” word kept on doing rounds in his mind and his life too changed. No response for another 2 days made him more anxious. He started checking messages atleast 5 times a day. Doesn’t she ever log in ? Did she fool me by giving this other Id ? These were the thoughts that covered his mind as he logged in for the last time on day 3 and good Lord there she was . Man she was actually online …For a moment Ryan could not believe his eyes and he actually rubbed them to be sure when the window appeared –

Angel says : Hi!!!!.

So she calls me a bugger first and now trying to be friendly. Forget it he thought , I won’t respond. And there he was writing “Hi …..” .

Why was he not able to write anything else? Why was his heart beating so fast ? These questions puzzled him and before he could answer himself off went the light. Oh My God!!!! Only if he had not been so lazy to go and get the UPS repaired , he could have continued the talk ,be with her , no matter virtually for some more time. He didn’t know when would he again see her. Why was she suddenly so important ? With this and similar thoughts flooding his mind he tried to embrace his bed . But he lay there , wide awake looking blankly outside the window of his room. When he was asleep he could feel the fragrance of a fresh flower filling him. Life was so beautiful till the time he didn’t had to open his eyes.

But dawn brought new hopes and with a smile on his face Ryan got ready for college. The old Uncle George at the bakery immediately judged that “something” was in air as Ryan asked for his daily coffee and sandwich. He was whistling a melodious tune and was lost in his own world when he suddenly pulled the brakes of his bike. Sheesh , he was about to smash a tiny kitten .

“ What do you have those eyes for ?” , the old granny shouted .

Ryan turned around and saw the old lady with a shocked look on her face and eyes filled with tears . He immediately got down and safely handed over the kitten to her owner who was so delighted to have her “only friend” back. He felt as if he woke up from a dream, thanked God for sparing him from committing a sin and drove silently to college . The whole college knew him as an introvert , responsible guy but today he was different . He had not completed any assignments , didn’t care to wish anybody –friend or teacher who passed by and on top of all he forgot the way to his lecture room.

“There’s something in the air today!!!” teased Nish when he finally managed to reach the correct classroom. As the day went by , he flew on a silver cloud in his own world – the world of a great feeling. He got over with the assignment work quickly and switched on his PC . He had made it a point to get the UPS repaired in the evening – first thing he did after returning from college. His excitement level was so high that he could not even wait for the few minutes the PC needed to boot up.

“Why are you so damn slow ?” , he murmured referring to the PC. Pop came the messenger sign in screen , which he set to automatic login so as to not waste time every time he starts his system next. Eagerly he searched his offline messeges for the one from the special one but was saddened to see none. Not losing hope he searched for online buddies or for the special buddy , but was heart broken to see no glowing smiley from that side. “Why am I getting so concerned ?” . “I hardly know her .” Thinking this he tried pinging other friends all of who responded . But it was not long before he lost interest as his Angel hadn’t not appeared and logged off . Lying back on his couch questions started piling up “Why didn’t she come up?” . “Is she Ok”?

Most part of his mind was occupied with such questions while a tiny portion was asking him why is he bothering so much? How well does he know her? With a heavy heart he was lost in deep sleep .

But after almost 7 years of that day , she lay wide awake wondering if the Ryan lying beside her was the same ? The one who was so worried and concerned for her when they only knew each other minutely , now lay unaware of her situation and the emotional low phase she was going through. Was he actually unaware or was he just trying to ignore it? Has the love and affection that once showed in his eyes died or was it just covered under the thick sheet of tiredness ?

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound from Anny’s room. She immediately rushed to check what was the matter. Little Any got a little upset as a small mosquito pricked her on the cheek . She was the only full time company for Angel and she could not imagine her life without her little darling.

“O Dear , you knew mumma was upset , so you woke up . My sweetheart , my life is nothing without you .”

She sang a short rhyme and put her to sleep again. For a long time she kept watching Anny’s face – so tender and innocent . How much she resembled Ryan and herself – a perfect blend. She was the perfect symbol of their love , the great bond they shared – or they shared once upon a time ? With these thoughts engulfing her again she closed her eyes and went to search the answers to these puzzling questions.

Ryan was getting ready for office when she finally woke up. She had been so occupied in her dreamland that that alarm went dead without her noticing it. She felt so sorry and rushed to the kitchen to prepare breakfast and was surprised to see the toasts prepared and glass full of milk. Ryan said standing at the door “This is for you, I have already had my breakfast. I thought you must be really tired. Bye take care”.

Angel stood there stunned with tears rolling down her eyes. She ran and hugged Ryan –“Thanks, I love you “, she said.

“Me too “, he said and hugged her tightly. After giving sleepy Anny a peck on her cheek he left .So he is the same old Ryan , just a little over burdened with responsibility . His gesture had made her so happy that the world seemed a beautiful place once again. Her heart was dancing .Whole day she set the house , cooked Ryan’s favorite food , played with Anny singing to her “ Darling I got your papa back..” and was ready to receive Ryan in the evening. There were a few papers lying on the table in the drawing room . As she started to clear them an envelope fell down .It said -For the love of my life –Angel . She was over-whelmed to see it and wondered how many surprised Ryan had in store for her today. Then she started reading the letter inside it, and with each letter her face became paler. It said

 

Dear Angel 

First of all I would like to apologise for hurting your feelings and not being able to give you enough time, All the time I knew you were sad because of my behaviour but love I was not in a situation , both mentally and physically to share with you. I always wanted to give you and Anny life’s comforts and when I saw life trying to take away this opportunity from me I went bersek. Even while writing this letter I didn’t know what to write and I was worried how will you be after reading this .

Six months back I visited our doctor for a checkup as I was feeling very uncomfortable in office. At first he treated it as a normal symptom but after a few days when my condition worsened he got some tests done and according to him I was in the last stage of lung cancer. Please Angel , I know its hard for you to take this , but you have to face it for me and for our treasure Any . I was advised to take rest as I could collapse anytime , but I couldn’t thinking about the future of my 2 great possessions – You and Any.

How could God be so cruel to take me away from you . On whose shoulders would I put this responsibility when I know how this world is. These thoughts totally blinded me and I decided to slog more and secure a good future for you. You must be feeling sad as well as angry that why didn’t I tell you. But if I would have done that , you would have not been able to tolerate it as I know how much you love me . Moreover , you would have taken me to all good doctors around the world even where there is not any scope and wasted the savings I had done for you and Any . I don’t know what I did was right or wrong but it was the best I could do.

I came home tired and preferred not to talk as I feared I would not be able to control myself as I have never hidden anything from you. I pretended to be fast asleep so that you could sleep and kept watching your innocent face the whole night. Angel you have been the biggest truth of my life . I would have never been what I am today without you. You have been by my side in all my life’s ups and downs and gave a little angel too. Oh God, why is he doing this to us . I can’t think of parting with you.

But the time can come at any moment and so my dear I would want you to be brave and face this . I know it would be difficult for you to manage things alone but for Anny’s sake and for the sake of our love you will have to do it.By the time you read this letter I may be not there in this world anymore as I had a surgery planned today at Columbia Hospital. The chances are 1 in million. I know sorry would not suffice but dear this is what I have .

To help you all the financial records are kept in a file in my drawer. My agent would contact you and help you out with all formalities. I did my best to make a good future for you and Anny . Even at God’s home I would not be able to survive if you two are in pain down here. Forgive me and remember I Love you and will always do. I will always be by your side , you’ll always be able to feel me. Just close your eyes and take my name. I have always longed for only you while living and will do the same even when I am dead. When Anny grows up , tell her dad loved her very much. 

I’ll miss you. 

Only Yours

Dated : 25^th Sept ‘08

 

She almost fainted by the time she reached the end of it . She could not control her tears and felt choked. She hugged Anny tightly and cried “I lost your dad again”.

The world came thrashing down in a moment. Frantically she started searching the telephone directory for Columbia Hospital. The telephone line was engaged so she rushed driving rash. She was losing her senses as the hospital came nearer and nearer. What lay ahead ? was the only question in her mind.

“O Ryan , you cannot do this. I will not let you leave us .I’ll fight all odds to keep you .”

Ryan D’souza , please contact Dr. James room no-5 .Go straight and turn left .”, said the receptionist.

Suddenly her feet felt too heavy that it became hard to lift them and move towards the doctor’s room. What had happened was still a mystery . Will she be able to see her love again ? Unaware of her surroundings she reached room no-5 .

“ Angel D’souza , right? “, said the doctor. She nodded confirming. “I have seen your photograph and Ryan talks about you a lot “.

Talks – is he alive ? Seeing her puzzled expression Dr. James said “ Yes , he is alive and I must say it is your love that made it possible” . She could not believe her ears and fell down on the floor crying .

There lay Ryan under the effect of Anaesthesia. “ I am afraid , but Ryan might not be able to move his left arm “ , said doctor . But it did not matter to her , as his presence was enough. When he regained his conscious both of them lost in each other’s eyes again and said “I love you “.

 

Your love has kept me going,

Whenever life has become so demanding,

As we walk hand in hand with each other,

There’s nothing in the world for which I bother.

 

You have kept me happy & shared my sorrows,

With you by my side, I don’t worry about what follows,

I am spell bound by your love’s magic on me,

When it’s dark, you are the only light I see.

__END__

–Deepti