Cold concrete and tears, how do I keep finding myself here?
the person I loved most, throwing us away.
“pack your stuff and get out. Leave.”
I move around, dragging my soul and make my way to the bathroom sink and Im trying my best to stifle my tears. Keep it together he doesn’t mean it. Just threats and fire filled words. The next message comes in and it hits me you’re serious.
“you have till 6”
In the mirror a ghost.
red eyes looking back passed swollen eyelids and streams of tears. there is pain here. in this face that’s filled with so many emotions, all i see is fear.
Why? Where am i supposed to go? Is he serious?
Behind the wall to my right are my sons sleeping soundly. even though i know i was sobbing quite loudly.
another message on my screen. The things you’re saying. So hateful… so mean.
You don’t like the things I’ve said to defend myself for once. I have 4 hours to pack you said, just leave me alone. I’m trapped in my own head. screaming at the walls of my subconscious and sobbing.
So now what?
Panic reaches my skin and its chilly. I’ve started to shake, and I’ve lost all the feeling. my chest is heavy and the shadow of depression is looming. His friend anxiety comes knocking and there’s nothing left of me. My demons have came because my heart breaking was an alert sounding. I’m drowning. I text him back, hands shaking so hard I press the wrong keys, but he will know what I mean.
“You xan’t do this, di you bot care?”
“Where arewe supposed to ho? you daid u loved us”
I dont notice till after I’ve pushed the send button the gramatical errors I had made through tear stormed eyes and shaking fingers I couldn’t control no matter how hard I concentrated.
“You’re right I don’t care, and I guess not.”
How can you say that after everything we’ve been through that brought us here? They call you dad, you’re all they know and even though you call them explicit names… No wait. They don’t deserve that and neither do I. All the efforts you made to control and dominate me. The things I do day to day to please you and keep you at bay. All the pointless fights you start, literally just trying to tear me apart. And this is all some type of FUN. You kick me and the kids out because we have no where to turn. You like instilling this sort of thing. The freight and the reminder that I have nothing. It gets you off; All my tears and the stench of fear. Its your version of roses and you can bask in its stench.
I was nothing to you? After all the time that was spent?
All the situations you had me scrounging for answers while you threw up your feet and just told me work faster! I was a convenience to you so at least one of us got a break. Everything I’ve done for you without a complaint. All because you work and I can’t. You’re twenty eight and can’t fend for yourself, you can’t cook or clean, and there is no resting. Two little boys that are completely unrelenting.
And you say I don’t do enough?
All the tears I keep shedding because I feel like I’M the one losing? Your kings now in danger. You have forced my hand and I feel it’s time for me to make my move. You thought you’d win this game of manipulation, but you lost this game and because I will call your bluff. I’ll leave since that’s what you want.