Her Love and Pain

May, 2016

 

Everyone keeps telling me, time will heal all wounds.

Crazy! How someone who used to be a huge part of your life can be gone in a second. Strange blow, a deep scar,  it’s bound to leave a huge traumatic mental wound, so hard to forget the one who gave you so much to remember, life is cruel, pain is inevitable, so cureless, Certainly can’t put a band aid on it to heal. Getting to the point I mean look at me, all I seem to know and feel is that the wound is still in there and has not healed, have given this wound all time in this world, still don’t know what to do, how to deal with this pain, it is now a part of me, fact of my life, it is not by my choice that it hurts so badly.

I live with it,

It’s not been easy, but yes in a way I have reconciled to my loss and this killing pain, the despair. It is the 24 years of intense and continuous pain of losing my love, my Madhavi, don’t have words to express, my mind is restless, there is so much to say, so many things to tell her, my longings for her hurt, waiting hurts, trying to forget hurts, miss her touch, I just miss her, want her or go to her. God! For right now I can’t sleep, still hear her voices and sense her presence, even though I know she is not here, yet she is with me all the time! Like my shadow.

How the fire rages in my heart, Sometimes I talk to friends but get only consolation, no comfort. Don’t need sympathies; Guess only a wounded might understand the plight of a wounded. Wish somebody would tell me what I am supposed to do. No I am not angry nor accusing, maybe is it better to shut up, keep silent, than to tell what I feel, how I feel inside, for they can only hear me, cannot understand the hurt, my lingering agony or my mind numbing pain.

 

I owe it to posterity to tell our story.

Then, I sit and listen to everyone’s love stories and I’m thinking where is mine! And there, I realize that the past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited or crossed, it can only be accepted. Feel Times have changed, generation has changed, and possibly people’s opinion and judgments may also have changed. And as I had promised her that our love will be remembered, hence so I conclude, I should let others read my treasure, the cascade of her memoirs!

But once again I do worry it may upset both, Yasmin and Uttam, am not sure, so now or sometime in the future, if not me, anybody who finds this, please let the world read.

 

Let all know, it was not what they thought.

Want to Let her and my families read it, her ex and our present read, let our friends and foes of those times n these times read, and let the then and now generation read, that –  it is what is called love!

 

A prologue,     

There is no great teacher than love, love takes your life and sets it on a different course, very much like a roller coaster ride; no easy task. It was a struggle; we put in a lot of effort. Introspectively either we were ahead of our times or the timing was all wrong; anyways we loved in spite of all odds playing against us, at least we were together. – That is what matters in love.

Now, while I gather my thoughts, recount the complexities, I think Difference in our age was one big hurdle.  Second, was the reality of her marital status. Third was our conflicting, opposite religions. Finally the fourth, being an only son is such a disadvantage; parents have idle expectation. – Well, on the latter two counts we could have managed; handling the former two issues seemed a towering task.

This present-day, we live in a liberal society, lenient times, then those were retro times, conventionally rigid societies, we both hailed from traditional and socially conservative families, the core values, family reputation or ‘Khandaan ki izzat’ and ‘log kya kahenge’ mattered a lot to us, we did worry for all that. At the onset of our incredible journey, Madhavi in her good conscience tried to remind, alert, dissuade me, yes we were aware of the ground realities, yet notwithstanding, – Love ruled!!

All the more, swept by love we took the plunge, bit the forbidden fruit, chose the risk to be unconventional, we committed, Here Madhavi and I would want to say, – No regrets! No regrets at all, whatsoever!

In a lighter vain, on the flip side, I wonder, how it be if we hadn’t to fall in love. Foremost; you wouldn’t be reading this right now. To her or me it would be such Different lives. In essence I am certain that without me; Madhavi would have been so much better off, she could have had a good life. – Then the person I am today wouldn’t exist.

 

 Keep the cake, and eat it too – Did I?   

Though the future was gleam, blick, but there was hope, Madhavi being a woman was more serious, invested much more, banked on me, bet all she had, put her total belief and trust on me, – I could not stand up to her esteem.

No! Never did she protest, nor pester me, but I know, she wanted us to build a life together, she wished to have a place that we could call our happy home, our house, she dreamt to be a house wife, and she so deserved, had her rights to claim, demand it from me.

Can one imagine just how, we could have convinced our parents, fought for her right? Or taken an extreme step; even if it meant to end up hurting our families? – For I really cannot!

Still and all, I should have been fair; I choose the easy, convenient way out. I can’t and won’t justify, blame my failure to destiny or fate; I defaulted to be the man, failed to give her a happier life; wish I got her that happiness, for that I do feel guilty, very guilty, it kills me inside.

 

Give me my Yesterday, once more!

Sometimes and so often I get fidget; feel distressed, yearn for her. Can’t explain why I keep looking for her everywhere, just need her back to me, want our old times all over again, I miss her, miss her very much. I always wish, hope and desire, that the two of us to be together, my Madhavi and me, we need to meet, we have an unfinished business, and a promise to keep, will always hope like an optimistic, –  will be hopeful until I breathe my last.

Seriously, I don’t know how this works, nor his ways, I suppose God! Up there is listening, since we call him the beneficent, the benevolent, hence so I shall keep imploring on to him, with a hope that he might grant me my one, this singular wish, – he is my only and honest hope.

Silly I know, probably won’t ever happen, my desperations may sound idiotic or absurd, yet strangely my mind and heart prefer to wait, I will never want to call my present writings as a farewell or valediction. Dear readers please consider this as; only till she and I meet again.

 

This is not about me,

I am not the martyr, don’t say anything, not selling anything, have no agenda, have only emoted on these sheets, have keyed in a vignette, a brief account as it is up to this day, possibly a sort of self therapy, pardon me for the flaws, read this along with the interesting story she tells.

 

Listen to her, she tells it better!

The greatest treasure I posses are several of my Madhavi’s letters, some greeting cards, a few pictures and two diaries that she wrote.

Particularly this one diary, she named as “the sweet & the bitter moments of the precious five years.”

Herein, she logged on every of our occurrence of those times, elucidating through simple language She so profoundly poured her heart out, The love, romance, emotion, her warmth, her feelings, insecurities, loneliness, the tears, fears, thoughts, and also her pain, are all so beautifully packed in there. This diary begins at the point of that period month, and tells all of our enduring love; it is in the light of the happenings between us, along the time of those first five years.

And oh! On the cover she put an explicit instruction or direction! That reads as, “If anything happens to me & this diary is to be found by someone, it is to be handed over to my love Razu”

So many loving letters she wrote to me in those sixteen years, the diaries, These cascade of all her writings, truly written gems, can call it my treasure chest, all make a large package that sum up to a huge volume, that convey or express the details, as to how much of love she had for me, don’t know if I ever deserved so much, and it is also that of the pain I gave her.

 

Can destroy the evidences, but can I destroy my memory!

Evidence can be tossed into a dustbin, the memory remains in my head, reminds me like it was only yesterday.

It was the year 1976, that is after the Beatles, hippies and Rajesh Khanna’s era, Then Belgaum was a very small dusty little town, sparse population, few cars, telephones were a luxury, televisions were yet to come, computers, the internet, and Cell phones were unheard of, and mostly everyone knew each other, it was also time of ‘The Emergency’ and a lot of political activism!

 

Age is just an irrelevant number!

She was 31 and me 22!

 

God! She was so special,

Tall, slim, fair, long hair, very pretty, gorgeous, delicate, a looker..! Mind blowing looks, so stylish, perfect body, great feminine figure, simply breathtaking, a head turner! always wore saris and that too very elegantly, classy, charming, graceful, great poise, had a mesmerizing sweet voice, well mannered, pierced nose, round earrings, a bindi on the forehead, traditionally so Indian, a bit shy, so modest, but brainy & witty, my words fall short, must say a perfect ten! A Jain, pure vegetarian, from a very affluent kannada speaking family, proficient in many languages, had just returned after spending a few years in England, drove around in a car, was a post graduate now studying law, also a single parent.

Later I got to know that she had turned down many a marriage proposals, she was so extraordinary she certainly could have found herself a hundred suitable matches, but I am gleefully glad that she didn’t care; I always wonder what she saw in me!!

 

Me, I was just her opposite.

A different breed, Muslim, Urdu mother tongue, non-vegetarian, middle class, undergraduate, a back bencher or mostly bunked classes, regularly got into brawls, notoriously popular In college, only son to a small trader, yes! Tall, lanky, wheatish complexion, average looking, so foolish wore tight pants, bell bottoms, kholapuri chappals, moustache, always with the top button of my shirt open, hah! Quiet silly, care free, chain smoked, tried pot too, a little arrogant so stupid, the playboy sort, a spoilt brat who partied a lot, commuted around on a scooter.

I was no suitor, definitely not her class, absolutely no match to her! Certainly not worthy of her, she deserved much better.

 

 

How ignorant!

We grew up in the same small town, though different collages, but were on same little campus at the same time, had quite a few common friends or acquaintances, besides I Socially even knew her brothers, like wise she had heard of my family, and despite of my little [on campus] popularity, madam was unaware of my existence – just a ordinarily mortal that I was!

Me, I did not know her name, but knew a little about her & her family background, years ago her family had lived in our vicinity, but had later moved to another area. Once,  twice, or a few times, that I had seen her around and always, invariably skipped my heartbeat, was flabbergasted, dumbstruck by her amazing beauty.

Could then never get her off my mind, and she never did leave my mind ever after! My princess had cast a spell on me; she was somebody I absolutely needed to know.

 

Love isn’t something which you go find… Love finds you!

She was heading the ladies section of a student’s union [NSUI]. Coincidently to my luck, the management at the union needed a guy of my notoriety; they presumed I could collect a crowd and lead, hence appointed me as the General Secretary.

I walked into one of the union meetings and my heart skipped a beat. My dream girl was waiting in the lobby, she looked up, unintentionally we both got eye to eye for a millisecond, just a glance, lot of sparks flew, there finally I was honored for, the queen of my heart had noticed me.

Somebody ushered us in to the meeting hall, and we were formally introduced, my lady wore a lovely smile, blushed, just said hello! And completely stole my heart, took my breath away, I went bonkers, speechless, head over heels in love for her; Somehow I regained my senses, consciousness, and wished her back.

Instantly we got attracted to each other, it happened; just happened, had to happen, thank my stars, destiny I suppose, guess we both were struck by a very powerful thunder bolt – love!

 

We sometimes argued, as to who loved more!

It was magic, we courted, I proposed, she took her time, weakly and in vain tried to reason on how things were not in our favor or why it won’t work, then confessed that she had fallen for me on the first instant, and accepted.

I was so glad and It began, we went crazy for each other, romance was in the air, love bloomed, we enjoyed each other’s company, we looked, gazed and sank into each other’s eyes for hours, we were truthful, we whispered, got engrossed, we spoke sweet nothings and listened to each other, we held hands, hugged, kissed and laughed, very passionate love it was, great chemistry, she made me hers and I made her mine, we mingled in to one, we were one.

 

 Cake, chocolates, roses and gifts made us happy!

We were intoxicated by love, we missed each other, we spoke over the phone several times a day, met every day, sometimes twice a day, exchanged love letters, simple things mattered, we sipped tea from the same cup, we went for walks and long drives, together on our dates we shivered in the cold of winter mornings, got drenched in the rain of monsoon afternoons, oh so much fun! We got possessive of each other, very possessive, we were protective and pampered each other, promised each other the world, and dreamt all day n night, we walked on cloud nine, castles in the air were built, and we lost our minds. Age, religion, cast, creed and past were never again discussed, it never really did matter, at least for us, made for each other as we thought, she changed for me, I for her, we went mad, madly, passionately, hopelessly in love, there was so much of joy, sunshine and melody everywhere, life was a fairy tale, we were so happy, it was a dream, it was bliss, simply bliss!

 

Guilty we were not,

Fortunately the word cougar wasn’t invented then, there were whispers & disapproving glances, tongues wagged, we were the talk of the town, Some called it infatuation, many said illicit, mistress and what not, people went personal, stalked us, they were mean, very mean, hate them for what they have done, think they were just bloody jealous, we dropped or just ignored those guys. Many a friends left us, god! My mom was in a state of shock, we became a laughing stock. We couldn’t care less, – we were in love!

 

We pleaded,

you can be strong enough only for so much, there comes a point where you just have to break, Time flew, life took its toll, many a things happened, there was so much family pressure, mom said it cannot be accepted by society and all that, I was black mailed with a gun point of emotion, Madhavi too had her set of problems, situations to solve, everything and everyone was against us, our love was crushed, things got complicated, life became miserable.

 

Love is a deep emotion, not everyone can understand,

We stood alone, contemplated to elope but failed, there were too many factors outside our control, then came a point we had to relent, wish we were a little more courageous things would be different today, only if we had taken that extra step. So we opted for the next best thing, we created our own space, our private space, started to live two separate lives, one for our near and dear ones, societal norms or its specified  standards, and the other secretly for ourselves.

We had a marriage of sorts, took our vows, and had our own rituals, mixed rituals as per our faiths and beliefs. Yes!! We were man and wife, mentally at least, we were content, and we loved, bound by love, immense loves it was, as it shall be.

 

As they say, Love is patient, love is kind,

It hurt, hurt a lot, but then all that pain was worthwhile, she was stronger, very patient, I was weak and succumbed to family pressure, had no choice, I betrayed, double crossed her, failed, guess fickle minded, got engaged and then married to Yasmin as per my families wish, I even attempted to stay away from my Madhavi but could not.

She was devastated and cried a lot, blamed herself that she was not good enough or qualified for me or my family’s expectation, all though factually I was totally responsible for her sufferings, but she ever forgiving, so understanding. She could have always let go, walked away, & re-built her life. No! She took the risk to be with me and never let go, for she loved me & knew I loved her.

 

My Mom passed away,

I was in a state of shock, we were blamed, we were so guilty, we were shattered, we moaned, it pained a lot. Now we had more responsibility, Uttam was growing, there was Yasmin, my sister was to be married, other domestic problems to solve.

Whatever the reasons, we continued to love. We were two people truly wanting to be together, we stuck together through thick, thin, good and bad and never regretted. We spoke almost every day, we kept on meeting, hugging and weeping, we held on to our space and we loved each other just the way we always did.

 

We had made a choice to keep our love,

So worked for it, kept a positive mind and made some compromises & sacrifices. we had a will for our relationship to last, we Chose to be happy, whenever we got a chance we took it, when we could not meet, spoke over the phone for hours about nothing or everything, she told me many secrets, I told mine, we gossiped, chatted, quarreled, smiled, joked, laughed and yes argued as to whose love was more.

We had our moments, given moments, we seized the moments of happiness, to love and be loved. We had mutual respect, trust and love; we were loyal and committed to each other. She respected my decisions and I hers, if one of us was annoyed, she cried, and was the first one to make up; we always settled the few disputes that we had peacefully. We could never stay away from each other for long, we were meant for each other and nothing could keep us apart. We stuck to each other, for we loved.

 

 

 

 

She never failed to amaze me,

For me Madhavi was perfect, she had a cute smile, and happy laughter. A loving heart, caring and very comforting. In the very beginning of our affair she learnt that my family had pet named me as Razu, she loved it and then ever after addressed me as so.

Soon after we started to meet, she stopped eating fruits for she had taken a vow. We never met on a Thursday for a little superstitious she was. She kept fast’s on Mondays for my long life, Quite often she touched my feet and made me apply sindoor for married as we were! I got her a finger ring which she always wore; she wore it to the end. Often she requested I go with her to the temple, but would let me stand at the entrance, never insisted for me to come inside with her, Prasad after her poojas were always saved for me. If I did not fast in month of Ramzan she got annoyed, on Eid days she insisted me to give her eidhi, said it was her right.

She was always concerned about my good health, if I were ill she found a way to come see me, or at least send a friend to find if I were alright, she worried for me.

Many a times She went to school to meet my kids, got them lots of gifts, even hand knitted sweaters for them, always said ‘Razu’s children are mine’.

She consulted me on each of her decisions, valued my opinion and trusted me more than herself. She avoided doing things I would not want her to do. She prayed for me. She loved to cook for me, knew my taste, and always brought something for me to eat or send it over when we could not meet.

These little gestures of goodness held me dumb founded, or overwhelmed.

 

She was so romantic,      

Must be the first week or so after we fell in love, together we were sitting in her parked car, and just fooling, she coxed me in to writing for her, and there jovially I picked up a used, scrap piece of paper, on the back of it for First time I scribbled her a small romantic love note, just 6-7 lines, she read it over and over again, impulsively decided to keep it with her for forever, and so then she preserved that little piece of paper in a small or tiny and thin leather purse, like an amulet or tabeez, she had it  on her person for all those sixteen years, sometimes it used to be in place near her heart or mostly in a larger purse that she carried, But always with her, that was the beginning, The beginning of our endeavor.

She was naughty and mischievous, knew the places I felt ticklish and so tickled me, or just ruffled my hair. Sometimes she nipped or pecked lightly on my nose, just to tease or irritate me and then she giggled wickedly, how I enjoyed her playful tantalizing teasing and her tender love.

She loved to lay her face on my chest and sleep for hours, said “like to hear your heart beats repeat my name” She imagery marked and claimed that part or area of my chest to be exclusively her own, and made me promise as so, and then kept reminding me all those years.

She touched me all over all the time; she always made me feel like a man. We have had some very pleasant private moments; very beautiful times that I cannot share here.

At other times in jest she said she will haunt me if she is no more “jab mar jaongi tho bhoot baan kar tera pecha karogi haur tujse payar karogi” and oh yes! She does, I always sense her presences somewhere around me.

One of the times while I was travelling and I called her to ask, “Do you need anything from Singapore?” in a very emotional mood and loving tone she said, “… yes – You! … All I need is you …Just come back soon.” and wished me a safe flight. This is my Madhavi; it is how she responded at all times. She always made me feel so special and loved, together we shared our intimate thoughts and innermost feelings; I guess that’s why we clicked.

We spoke over the phone several times every day, most calls lasting an hour or more, No matter how often we spoke it was never enough, the people around were amazed, must have wondered what we could be talking about?

She made recordings on cassettes of old heartfelt love songs for me to play. She regularly wrote me love letters, sent me greeting cards, baked cakes on my birthdays, knitted for me many sweaters, we developed codes and signals to communicate when others were around. In the nights we made blank calls to each other, our way of telling “I miss you”  She never forgot to tell me “I love u” & flew me kisses over the phone, she always dressed up for me.  We showered each other with gifts, lots of gifts. Together we used to crack jokes and laugh.

She was a dreamer and at times would imagine, fantasize, about how it would be on different occasions, if we were living together, and then each time told or wrote about it to me. We celebrated our birthdays and anniversaries together, Priceless moments they were.

Those were our best times; she really was the most precious person to me. Every moment of that time with her is my most treasured moment. She adored me; her sixteen years were all about me.

 

Years passed, life went on,

A lot of water had flown under the bridge, things had settled, we had got busy in day to day life. The kids had grown up to be young lads, we had evolved, our relationship matured. We never drifted apart, and love we did. Even the people who knew about us had started to accept us. Things were brightening up; ever more we loved as man and wife, because we meant it. We had our own space, we kept our space, and we loved, hugged, and laughed together. We continued to argue “who loves more.”

 

There must be a reason for everything that happens,

Things were as normal as it could be, we were at ease and more cheerful now, she practiced her law, beautiful as she was, looked even prettier in the black coat she wore to court, and honestly I have always missed a heartbeat every time I have seen her. Meanwhile sometime down the line of time the doctors had diagnosed her for a heart ailment, “nothing so serious” she said, “just need to be a little careful”, since then on and off she was a ill, but always got back in good spirits, we spoke almost every day, even on the days she was ill, and we would meet the moment she was well, never made me get a hint of the seriousness of her health, the sickness she was going through, she loved me so much that she was more worried as to how I was, what I did in her absences, she was always worried for me and my well being.

As for me I was much older now, I had tried my hand at a new business, failed, joined my father’s business and she was ever supportive, as I got a little footing and grew a little financially stable, I started to provide for her, as her man, just in a small way, she never complained big hearted that she was! I was almost getting into a phase strong enough to give her the stature she always deserved, publicly acknowledge her as my wife! Wanted to give her my name, make her a part of my family, she wanted this, oh she would have loved it, wanted to give her all the happiness I had promised her, wanted to give back all the love she gave me.

God! I should have done it earlier, before it was too late, but I was late like always and that was my fault again, a looser, failure as I was, never realized how serious her illness was.

 

A harrowing winter,

These were very bad times, worst days of our life, the ground below our feet was crumbling, never realized; we were getting sucked into the quick sand of time.

It pains to tell of these times, a torture, my Madhavi was suffering alone, she went through hell, god! Wish I could be with her, wish I took care of her, looked after her; that is my misfortune.

Nowadays she fell ill more frequently, had a palpitation problems, sort of breathing disorder which affected her health. Our speaking over the phone had gotten much less, she found it a bit difficult walking to the telephone instrument; placed at a distance in their hall, also somebody or the other was always around her. So she called whenever she was able to, or when possible. Now we could scarcely, hardly meet.

Once Madhavi was to be hospitalized, and just before leaving, she called me in that ailing state, in her fragile, sick voice, to inform and forbid me to visit her at the hospital, but then she had returned recovering well.

 

The last times,

Last, she was in my arms was a month or so, before the one terrible call, she somehow managed to come see me, we met for a few hours, Madhavi definitely was in poor health, had gone very weak, but said she was ok, said she was “fine”, we talked about so many things, she promised me to take care of herself, promised to get well soon.

After that, must be 15-20 days, she came to my office, just for a few minutes, came to collect some parcels of crockery meant for the house she was setting up for Uttam and his new bride, my staff were all there hence we behaved formal, I seated her opposite me, across the table, we kept on looking at each other. – Over the years we had mastered the art of communicating without speaking; our eyes could express our love, emotion, care….

She was so unwell, was off-color, very pale, but said “just exhausted” assured me,” will go take rest”. When she was about leaving, getting into the car, I casually held her hand, she turned to look at me, flashing a huge beautiful simile, and her soft hand slowly glided out of mine, the driver drove her away. – How could I have known? I would never see her again.

The next evening Madhavi called me briefly, sounded very ill, was wheezing, told me she was not feeling well, feeling awful, yet like always inquired about me, as per our usual before disconnecting, we said the “ok” [our code for a flying kiss] to each other, not realizing that was the last we would speak.

 

One terrible call,

I was getting anxious; it was over a week that Madhavi had called, I was not aware that she had been hospitalized again. Must be about 5 or 6 o’clock of that cold Morning, The phone was ringing; I rushed and picked up the call in an anticipation that it might be her, but instead got the horrific, shocking news, something inside me died that moment, my lights went off, I sat down with disbelief, I was dazed, just blank, did not know what do, or whom to tell.

The first thoughts were to rush to her house, but I refrained, held back, did not want to create a scene or embarrass her people, remembered a word she once took from me, of not to see her in such a state; she wanted me to remember her with the happier memories…. God! No, I should have gone; I was just a bloody coward. -That is one other guilt I always carry.

Latter, I called a close friend requesting him to go attended the funeral on my behalf and be there until the last rites.

The sun was about setting, it was evening, the rituals were over, everybody left, I went to cremation area with a heavy heart, stood there with a in front of the lit pyre until late of that night, stood watching, my love, my Madhavi being reduced to ashes. Here it dawned upon me; I had lost all the strings that tied me to her. – I cried.

The succeeding or subsequent days; I do not recall at all, my memory completely fails me.

 

End of a life, not a relationship.

This was the last thing on earth I ever wanted; it definitively was not her time or age. God! you should have taken me instead, I was the bad guy, hang me, burn me, punish as much you want, I would give up anything for my madhavi.

God! at least should have given us a little more time, we were almost there, we were not complete, she needed that smile on her face, and all the happiness she deserved, I needed to the see that smile, her pleasant smile, we loved so dearly, we needed a happy ending, God! We had such a beautiful relationship, Why us?

 

When you said you were fine, I know you lied.

Darling Remember for the last time when you were in my arms and we cuddled, I felt different, it was as though you knew of things to come, the way you were close to me, the way you held onto me, I now know that you knew it was for the last time we were to meet, and you did not want me to know. But that’s the way it’s always been, you have always sacrificed for me. Why Madhavi, Why did you love me so much?

 

It was the right love at the wrong time.

How I wish I was at her bedside. Our love may not have been perfect but it was true. She was the love of my life. I know she loved me to her last breath, it never ended, it never can end, no not even after this many years, for that is the promise we made to each other and shall keep, does not matter if my Madhavi is no more, she is my heart, forever!!

Madhavi my darling, you were the reason I smiled, don’t believe you are gone, I love you and will always love you, I love you since the day I saw you, and my love for you won’t ever die!

She left me without a goodbye, on a chilly early morning of 10^thJanuary 92.  It was like the world was over, my heart exploded, how I wish I died the same night, I am told, I was a wreck, I wept and sobbed uncontrollably for weeks. God!! Why did you not take me with her?

 

Knew about her & me

Believe me, if it wasn’t for Yasmin, my most loving, understanding, life partner, my better half, and dear wife. She nursed me, helped me overcome the grief, she is my savior, if it wasn’t for her I would have probably gone astray.

 

This I must say,

Yasmin, My Hats off to you! I was not the prince charming that you deserved, yet In spite of all this you have always silently stood by me, tolerated all my nonsense for this many years, you are my biggest support in life, my anchor, a mentor, my best friend, and a committed wife, you comfort me when I am sick or disappointed, you deal with my incapability,

Yasmin, I have only gratitude, You have given a lot to me, you are so good to me, you have been my teacher of kindness, optimism, tolerance and good mannerism, have learned a lot from you,  you are my inspiration, I am so fortunate.

Yasmin, you are an epitome of love and kindness, you have made a home for me, looked after my kids and my ageing father, I hardly played any role, I will never have words enough to thank you, shall be ever so grateful.

 

I have heard this,

A girlfriend gave a challenge to her boyfriend, to live a day without her. No communication at all, and said if he passed it she’ll love him forever. The boy agreed, he never texted nor called his girlfriend for the whole day, without knowing that the girl had only 24 hours left because she was dying, she had cancer. After a day the boy excitedly went to his girlfriend, to say “I did it baby” but tears fell as he saw his girlfriend lying in a coffin, with a note, it said “you did it baby now please do it every day…. “

 

It is said that “Death leaves a heartache that no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal”

Yes so true, I have this infinite pain, then I also have had sixteen years of unconditional pure love from my Madhavi that has pulled me through, it is my only solace.

 

God! It hurts,

They say you only get to know you have experienced real love when you have lost it. Even now when I close my eyes I see my Madhavi, when I open my eyes I miss her. There are dozens of memories of her around this town; it hurts to drive past these every day. I keep visiting all those places we used to meet, to me she is everywhere. I still don’t believe she gone, she walks besides me unseen, unheard, but always near me, I still love her, still miss her, Certainly yes it hurts, the hurt is worse than bullets, and it pains, it pains very much. I long for her and cry, have nobody to share my sorrow or tears with. My love for her is so deep and true that there is not a moment that I don’t ever think of her.

 

I am sick of pretending to be happy,

Pleasure of love last a moment, but the pain of love lasts a life time. It hurts, I act like I don’t care, everyone thinks that I am happy and fine now, but look a little closer you will see tears in my eyes. This pain of love will never stop. And believe me the worst kind of pain is when you’re smiling just to stop tears from falling. Yet many a time they sneak out and roll down, and then I go find a place for myself to hide, for I want to cry.

 

Since then, I have hated my existence!

Each night I put my head to my pillow I try to tell myself I’m strong because I’ve lived one more day without you my Madhavi. I tried to tell myself you’re gone but it just won’t sink in, no matter what I do, I am still missing and thinking of you, I just want to be with you, only with you.

 

I want this hurt to stop.

I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to live without the other half of my heart,  I want to fast forward to the ending, I have never believed in re-birth, but don’t know if there is a second chance, I will keep my fingers crossed, will not lose hope as yet.

 

See how selfish I am.

Though I do still wear my moustache for I had promised her. I have now grown old, wise, rich, fat & bald. Yasmin still cares for me. I have two lovely daughters in law, my sons are well settled, and I am a grandfather too. They all love me so much; I have had a perfect and serene family life. Regardless or Shamelessly I have lived a full life.

 

  The greatest pain of love is waiting for someone, who may never come,

Emotionally I am done, mentally I am drained, spiritually I am dead, physically I may smile. I just while my time; she is always in the back of mind. The only thing keeping me here is, not knowing where to go. Well nothing more left for me just a burden on earth; I have packed my bags ready to leave, waiting for his bidding. God! Please make it soon; I want to sleep by her side.

 

To my sweetheart Madhavi

I concede, I surrender, I admit, no more denying, I always knew this, only did never tell you, yes my darling it is so true, you loved me more, so much more than I loved you.

Madhavi you were made just for me! How I wish I could go back in time and find you sooner, that way I could love you longer. Darling do you know even now, I see a picture of you and I miss a heartbeat.

Darling though I don’t see, I know you are near me, with me. Even if you are far away, you are in my thoughts, in my life, my dreams, always with me, Madhavi you’re in my heart you’re in my soul you will forever be a part of me.

 

                        A Million Times I have needed you, A Million Times I’ve cried,

                        If Love Alone Could Save You, You Never Would Have Departed,

                        In Life I loved you so dearly; in your demise I Love You Still,

                        In My Heart You Hold A Place, No One Else Could Fill.

                        It Broke My Heart to Lose You, but You Didn’t Go Alone,

                        Part Of Me Went With You The Day God Took You Home.