Wherever I go and Whatever I do I can never find another you
It was the time of summer when we met for the first time. Though we were relatives and I knew him since childhood but I never ever used to talk to him. But when I had met him first, I was not knowing that there would be a lot of change in him, his characteristics and his qualities. I was surprised to see the well matured man from the crazy little boy who was always fascinated about cartoons.
His perspective in life , style , attitude and approach all were very inspiring and attractive. they were all beyond my imagination. The crazy boy has become a responsible young chap was not at all expected.
Our first meeting has impressed me a lot. We exchanged our numbers and use to be in touch. Slowly we got closer to each other. Dusk to dawn we were there in each other’s thoughts and hearts. There won’t be a single moment when we were away from each other. The feeling of togetherness was so soothing that nothing else can give that much of happiness.
Days passed by it was jan 5th 2009, we could sense that we were getting closer to each other and are not being able to stay apart. Then on fine day, he said…”Bujji I cannot live without u”, and he uttered those three magical words. “I Love you.”
“Wherever I go and however I do, I can never find another YOU”
The easiest three words which you can utter but cannot maintain it for the whole life (that is the worst part). I was also in love with him by that time. His pure way of expressing the love towards me flattered me and accepted his love. I was on cloud 9. There were no boundaries for my happiness cos that was my first love indeed. Words cannot describe my feelings and love towards him.
” Hey where are you Bujji”, why aren’t u replying…a series of texts blinked in my mobile.
” A minute of silence makes me blank and gives me the impression that I am far miles away from u, I love u sooooo much bangaram, stay with me forever as mine”.
I was touched by his messages and could silently feel his love for and was thanking god for his greatest blessings in the name of his love. Quickly my fingers ran on the keypad and I texted him back..”Love you too my sweetheart, blessed to have you in my life. I will always be with you till death aparts”.
“Shall we meet tomorrow as I am feeling its been a long time since I see u though we met yesterday”.he said.
“Ok we will meet”..miss u…I replied.
The next day was Valentine’s Day and we met as we have planned, he bought lots of chocolates for me and we planned for a movie too. That was my first movie with him and that too a love story. I was very much excited to be with him and enjoyed to fullest. I was wishing if the time could freeze for our lovely moments together.
He was not only my love but was like my friend, guide, philosopher and what not. If I would go through even small amount of pain that would cause tears in his eyes. His love is not comparable to anyone on this earth ever.
He was very caring and sensitive. I loved his sense of humor as well. It was the month of march 13th 2009 when we met in a temple where poured sindoor at my forehead and said, you are mine and no one in this world could ever separate us. That feeling made to be his own forever. I had no words at that time, I just looked into his eyes being deeply fallen for him.
Every day he use to wait for me outside a bus stop where we use to gossip hours together and he use to drop me at my home which was 55km from his place. That awesome journey was like a feeling staying together forever. His love, affection and care were not even comparable to anyone in this whole world. Even my parents don’t realize what I wanted in every single step of my life but he was the one who could sense my feelings. I was very happy n lucky to have him. But I told my limitations at home but still he insisted for our relationship. I got convinced and was happy.
Our engineering results were out and I cleared all my subjects but he could not clear. He got angry and said, all this has happened cos of you. I was shocked by his behavior and tried to console him saying everything will be fine soon.It was his first birthday when I called him to wish and wanted to meet him, but he denied. That day he disappointed me a lot. I could not prevent myself from crying and tears rolled out of my eyes. I was fully depressed and was not able to control myself.
He was financially not stable and his family was dependent on him. So all the tensions made him behave different way. I constantly used to console him, but he was more focused for his career. He joined some job which could not fetch him a good sum of money. There the differences started among us. He started ignoring me and kept himself busy. I kept on convincing me saying he is under pressure of life.I was really surprised by the way he was behaving. The one who was so concerned about me started ignoring me which made to be in tears.
“My first birthday after we had fallen in love could be exciting”…this was my expectation. he denied even to wish me. I was shattered. I begged him to talk to me but he refused.
A dreadful day has come when his dad saw all the gifts and letters from my end and asked him about our love. After forcing, he accepted that we were in love. his mother buried all our memories saying—I will burn myself if you will ever talk to that girl. He left his home at that time and didn’t return for three days.
I was continuously texting him and calling him but he didn’t respond. His sister told me about the incident which has happened and asked me to forget him forever. I was motionless when I heard the shocking news.
It was the beginning of the year when I kept on calling him. He didn’t respond to my calls, mails and messages. Like a mad I use to call him 100 times in day and use to text him asking to talk to me once at least. Nothing could move him, neither my tears nor my calls/texts/mails. I was depressed completely. I was in deep shock that the one who has promised me to stay forever has ramped up so quickly. I tried to approach him in ‘n’ number of ways but he closed all my ways which I could reach him. he almost made me die for him but he remained unmoved. I cried for him for 2 years, he never changed.
There was not even a single moment when cudnt think of him. Every day I use to call him and one day he kept my number in blocked list. I could not sense that I tried to reach for almost 100 times but in vain.
My day use to start with his name and thoughts and end with the same. I use to text him but they couldn’t reach him. I tried calling him from other unknown numbers only to listen him. I could not dare to talk cos I knew, if I would do that he would never ever respond. He became stubborn and I was falling for him each day. I had spoiled my life, never use to be in touch with anyone. I was dumb. My thoughts, intentions, aim aspirations, goals everything lead to him. It was only he about whom I use to think. I had spent 2 years in a room without thinking about my career but only with his thoughts and memories.
My mails/calls/messages all were ignored.
I actually did not want to tell u all dis but this is my grief…………………
You have given me a lot of pain and still doing, i don’t know the reason. i mite have harmed my parents bt i never did any harm 2 u knowingly or unknowingly also.
i never took any revenge on u,
i never ignored u
i never lied to u
i never hided anything 4m u.
But u did al dis to me. Y?
I want you bujji please,.
Sending a mail is not cheating your parents’ ra. For my sake think only once pls. I am feeling the pain 10 times more than u do. How to express my grief more than this? You think about everyone but why don’t you at least try to understand my pain?
What is my fault? Why are you leaving me and ignoring me?
Tears rolled out seeing the ignored mails where there was not even a single reply. But still I loved him knowing that he must be in love with me too.
His career, his family and his friends became his priority. I tried to make myself collect from the broken pieces and somehow got into a job. Time and again I have gone crazy for him and his love. My only wish is to talk to him.
After 2 years he contacted me saying–“how are u? Don’t expect me to return into your life. I have become a stone and no one can ever change me. We can be friends if you want’”.Those words really pinched me at the lower levels of my heart where he was constantly making deep wounds.
My only reply was–I can’t, please don’t leave me. I cannot stay without you. You are my life and everything. I can do anything for us, please do not do this to me, I begged. “My parents are dependent on me and if I would marry you they will leave me which I cannot do, we have to sacrifice our relationship as my parents don’t want you”. He said.
“How could you do this to me?? My love was not a game and I was not a toy to play with”… I questioned (Still having some hopes).“I cannot answer your questions, leave me alone, it’s very irritating”. He got pissed
He was merciless; he didn’t listen to me, every time he used to ignore me saying he was busy.My life seemed to be shattered and I somehow partially agreed to his words. We use to talk but once in 3 months or so. Whenever he felt like repenting he used to call me saying sorry, but I had moved already at that point of time in my life.
One day he called me saying you are in some problem and I cannot leave you alone. I refused to listen to him as I knew he would never be mine, but still that sort of caring moved my heart and then he said “I wanna see you, please allow to come to you”.
The heart feels light when someone lives in it but a heart feels heavy when someone leaves it
Initially I refused but somehow I got convinced. I met him after 3 years. I could not control myself from hugging him and I cried like a baby in his arms and begging him saying..”don’t leave me bujji, I am all alone without you”. That day I could see his love towards me and his helplessness.
My most significant number—1358 which means
13th march—We met in a temple
5th Jan—He expressed his love
8—1+4+3(His lucky number too)
Everything happens for a reason. That was the last time when we met. I fed him like a baby, spent time with him and he went. I cannot express those moments of parting. No girl on this earth should ever get that sort of pain which I am going through. This continued for 4 years, he use to make me cry every night with his harsh words which pounced my heart. Presently he has got a very good job and I am also working, but he has no regrets for making me cry and leaving me in the midst of everything. He is going to get married as per his parents wish. As a result, I have lost faith in relationships. I waited for him for 7 years thinking that he may change in a better way but he has become something in contrary. He has fallen up to that extent that he has started blaming me. I was not expecting at least this form him. I thought my choice was right but how could I decide that he would be my life. I have no regrets as well cos I was only being cheated but I never cheated him. I was true to love.
It sometimes feels that the person who was dying to be with me has so quickly ramped up in his life as if nothing has happened ever between us. Anyhow,
Love happens only once, the rest is life.
Wherever you are, don’t think that I am not happy without you. I am very happy that you could not make this relationship happen; otherwise it could be a disaster. I don’t hate you cos even hate will lose its meaning if that is used in your case.