Short Love Story from School – FOOL’S GOLD
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-Being with someone who uses you and yet loving them all the same.
I knew that I was digging my grave when i said yes to her asking me out. She only wants you because she wants to cheat off of your tests and your homework sheets……but she was so beautiful and yes though she had the obvious in-your-face kind of beauty she was more than that. So much more. She was the life of any party; she could make anyone laugh at her antics.
She lived in one world and I in another. I was the kid who used to sit at the back of the class. Wearing full length sweaters and thick glasses. Lanky and awkward. I was lost and shy, she was loud and different. I hated her guts yet admired her personality. I was jealous of her. She had wings and could soar the skies while I had broken wings and was stuck on Earth.
Yeah….that was one of the things I started liking her for, she made me feel better about myself even when she didn’t talk to me. She was one of the very few people who didn’t ignore me, who didn’t walk past me like I didn’t exist. She stopped and said hi, granted I was never interesting to talk to in the first place but still…
I had no friends. Not because i was anti-social but because I didn’t trust people. Ironically I fell for a girl who shouldn’t be trusted.
I was helpless, she made school easier and seeing her made me happy. I didn’t understand my feelings. How can you fall….Yes by the time I accepted my feelings I had fallen for her….for someone who you have never talked to? How can seeing one person’s face only make you feel as if there were butterflies in your stomach? How can? How can? The questions were endless. It was confusing. And many nights after my homework was done I would lie in bed thinking what it was about her that was special. I always wound up falling asleep never reaching a definitive answer.
I had a good reason for (trying to) searching for an answer of this question
Because the thing was she had her fair share of flaws. And yeah nobody was perfect but she had some major flaws. She and her little clique of friends were derogatory towards everything that wasn’t approved by them. When her friends teased me and others like me she stood by and watched. They laughed at their jokes which were mostly about pulling people down. Her friends and she were like the “mean girls” of our school. Which made my feelings tangle up even more. Maybe I am a masochist? I mean hostages aren’t supposed to fall for their capture’s. I tried to reason with myself, showing the right path. For a short period of time, I even convinced myself that I was just infatuated.
But the heart wants what it wants so when she asked me out I said yes.
I knew what she wanted me for. It was crystal clear. To me and to everyone else. My mind reeled whenever it thought of me and her as a couple but my heart..Let’s say that that was a different story. I was blinded, so happy that it didn’t matter even if it was just a simulation to her.
She introduced me to her friends who sneered at me but apologized after a look from her. I sat with them at lunch. Everyone gave me uneasy glances…pitying. I didn’t care. I already knew…and what I knew couldn’t harm me. Boy, was I wrong. I could hear them whisper about cheating from me when they thought I couldn’t hear. At first I thought against it. Make up some excuse if they ask for your help I said but when she gave me a dazzling smile, I gave in. I was weak. I loved her so yes I let her use me. (However spineless and puny that may sound you have to in my shoes to judge). It only got worse with time the dominant feeling in my heart during me relationship with her was insecurity. It should not feel like this. It should be overflowing with joy but even though her horseplay and remarks made me give her a fonding stare knowing that she wasn’t exactly the North Star made me miserable.
At a certain point of time my parents started fighting badly. They had never gotten along but it became worse. I was tired of them and they did not care anyways. She saw me upset and actually tried to cheer me up. Yeah…she was the shining distraction. I started spending more and more time with her. It became natural, me with her and she with me. Comfortable. But the feelings from before didn’t disappear. My inner voice shouted and condescended me-“It’s not real. Don’t get caught up”.
And I knew, I knew her love was fake yet it didn’t feel like that sometimes, I know I don’t feel like that, but when she listened to me talk about my parents on hours at end and when she bought a hardcover original copy of my favourite book on my birthday and the way her face lit up as I thanked her profusely and hugged her I couldn’t help but wonder…
Our first kiss was sweet but what followed after was definitely not.
Under the tree, alone and gentle breeze with her pressing her lips onto mine and her arms around my neck it was the perfect. It was perfect. It felt right but when we broke apart…..it felt empty, fake and messed up. She gave me worried look. I felt as if someone was tearing me apart, my heart was being crushed all I had ever wanted from her, at that moment, was the truth.
-“Your feelings are a far cry from mine” I mumbled.
Realisation dawned on her face. I looked up right into her eyes, mine were reflected back and they were shattered. I concentrated on her face she was like a deer caught in the headlights. Her face fell, guilty and somewhat sad (although that may be wishful thinking). I had sighed and kissed her again and had wished that I could take back what I had said.
With the exams nearing the only time we saw each other was when we met for study dates. Every time avoiding the elephant in the room.
Surprisingly no one had tried to cheat from me during the exams. I stared at her and she mouthed sorry.
I turned away.
The day before doomsday aka the day she would probably break up, the day exams were over it felt like the calm before the storm.
The next day was Sunday she came over and we went out. We were sitting on a park bench. When she said -“I’m sorry” I looked up and saw teardrops falling down from her cheeks. She told me everything and genuinely looked upset. I held her close and kept repeating-” It’s okay”. It wasn’t. I wasn’t fine but I couldn’t bear to bring her down. When she was leaving she kissed my cheek and asked -“Friends?” hopefully. I gave her a tired gaze and she ducked her head.-“Time” I said and then shut the door.
Maybe we would be friends in the future and maybe more, maybe she will change but after holding out for so long my heart let go of hope. I trudged upstairs to my room locked the door and lay in my bed.
I should be happy I finally broke the vicious cycle
But I didn’t have regret. I don’t regret falling for her……falling for her fool’s gold. And I couldn’t help as the silent tears escaped me, as my voice died in my throat and as I curled up in my bed ,eyes closed, feeling disconsolate.
–END–
