MELODY THAT CAN ONLY BE HUMMED

Sitting asides each other and sipping tea, watching the kids playing in the garden, it’s been just 6 months that we realize that we are made for each other. But we also realize one thing that if we make this move; our kids, our career and our family at large will suffer. So we both met today to part our ways. We will live our life like we were living past so many years.

Vasundhra is a beautiful, tall and stern  women, on the contrary I am a polite, average looking person. We both met each other on 25^th December 2012, we both live in the same society and met during the Christmas celebrations, our kids study in the same school, and this is how we met and our friendship continued. Being professional we hardly get time to see each other but whatever time we get we make sure that we spend with our kids in the park or we take them to the mall. Our husbands never accompany us as they always kept busy. But apart from this there was something else which was common between us and that was an unhappy marriage. Our husbands were very good but we were not happy; one reason could be the responsibility of nurturing the kids, looking after the whole family, working  hard to maintain that social status In the society; in the midst of all we as an individual was missed and also the love was overpowered by all the materialistic pleasures.

Being successful doesn’t mean that we are happy within,  going for international trips with our spouses doesn’t mean that we are in love with them. Sometimes the word care is often misunderstood by the word love.

Coming back to Vasundhara and me

Vasundhara is a very straight forward person , so without wasting much of the time she looked at me and asked

“So Kiran  are we parting ways, because I don’t think so we can live like this”

Kiran (it’s me) a! At once I became selfish and asked her with all the sweetness I can have in my voice

“Vasu, please you really think we need this”

As it was difficult for both of us to accept that we love each other, in the same way its getting difficult for us to part ways from each other. I still remember the day when she was at my place, the corner of her eyes was holding tears and I just sat near her, held her tightly and she started crying. She cried for nearly an hour and I didn’t stop her for once also. Though being a private person she spoke her heart out to me. We both were sailing in the same boat. Her husband was a money making machine and mine was a writer. . Finding and writing love on the paper instead of making out with me. Listening to her I at once  told her

“At least you die for his attention, I don’t even want that”

“Why”

“I don’t know, but whenever he tries coming near me I don’t feel good, I think he doesn’t understand my need, doesn’t understand the way I want”

“Does this happen to you every time”

“Before marriage it didn’t but after my son I just don’t feel him, I have stopped sharing my thoughts, stop discussing with him”

She was listening to me with undivided attention and she holds my hand and said

“Don’t worry we are here for each other”

We both console each other and that day we realize that we are there for each other.  That day brought us much closer than we could ever think of.

Things changed after that, we use to meet daily, watch movies, shopping, playing with the kids, drinking. One day  we both decided to go to Shimla with kids for 3 days, our husbands were not accompanying us. That night we both got drunk and were talking about kids, their future and the so called romantic shimla. Suddenly I felt the urge of hugging Vasundhara who was constantly talking about something which I was not bothered. I stood up and went to her, hugged her tightly, she became silent and hugged me back, at once the time stopped for us, we were sitting facing  each other on the hotel balcony.

It was night and I made the first move of kissing her. I planted kisses on her but hold myself thinking of what I am doing. But she came near me and started kissing me back. The intensity of the kiss or the physical need was so much that the kiss which started on the balcony ended in the bedroom. The next morning when she woke up and saw us naked in each other’s arms she screamed and I at once got up and was equally shocked to see us like this. It was such a flinch, what a mortified act it was. We were drunk but that doesn’t mean that we forget our values, responsibility and our body needs. Talking and sharing is okay but loving the same sex?

We didn’t cry but were in shock state of mind. I got up from the bed, wrapped myself in the sheet and stood near the window.

“We were so much drunk that we didn’t realize that what we are doing to each other”

She was under a shock that she could not reply, at once she  got out of the bed, went to the bathroom with her  clothes which were lying near the bedside, slipped into them said

“I better see the kids and arrange for breakfast”

She went outside leaving me alone in the room with silence, crumple bedsheet and thoughts swarming in my mind. I slipped into my clothes and went to the other room where the kids were sleeping, we didn’t not exchange looks and were busy with our own kids, that day we didn’t even know what we were eating. The kids were playing and we both were sitting and sipping coffee. I broke the silence and said

“I am sorry, I think I was in need of this physical love and as we were drunk it all came to you”

She kept silent and her silence was killing me inside. I didn’t want to lose her because of my stupidity. That day the fear of losing her made me realize her worth in my boring, dull and desolated life. After a long silence her stern voice sounded sweet to me

“I also needed you the same way”

“Are you serious?”

“Yes, I never shared with you but that day when you were telling me about your personal life; I thought you were saying my life in your words”

“That means we never loved our husband and we never like what they did to us”

“Yes, but we didn’t realize this because we brought ups are such”

Vasundhara was so correct; our society has made up our mind. Love making can only be between man and women but every individual body need is different and it is possible that we find our same sex much more attractive than the opposite sex.

We hugged each other and that one day. We enjoyed so much; love was in the air, kids were happy, we were happy, what else one could think of. That night we did not drink and made love to each other because our love was enough to make us intoxicate. We both wanted to feel our body’s, the warmth and give respect to each other needs. We didn’t want to leave Shimla and go but our families, work and a lot more was waiting.

While going back we both were making plans to meet, though it was very easy as our husbands will never doubt on us but we are always surrounded by kids and now meeting with kids seems difficult. We reached Delhi, parted with a very good feeling that finally we have each other for each other for life.

But good things remain good, then that’s not life. Many months passed like this, we almost forgot that we are dealing with unhappy marriages, at work area also our performance was getting better but at personal front as in with our husbands things were not good. Initially we use to try to come near our husband but now they have started demanding us.

Suddenly my writer husband showers all the love on me instead of the paper and with Vasundhara, her husband’s has all time on earth to take her out for vacations. That day Vasu called me.

“I don’t want to leave you and go out for a holiday”

“I know I can understand, my husband is also going mad at me, making tea for me, kissing me”

“We always want this but now too late”

“I know, I just hate when he comes and kiss me, why don’t he stick to his books?”

“Let’s do something”

“Let’s plan a trip together, our husbands, kids, and us, I want to walk in hand with you, eat different food, kiss you on beaches or mountains or some high bridges; where ever you say, I just need you”

I could hear her grin on the phone “ok, let’s convince our husband’s”

To convince our husbands were difficult but if kids join in this mission nothing like it. And both are kids enjoy with each other, so it took one full week to convince but finally they got and we were going to Goa. It was an amazing feeling. We both were playing without kids and soaking the sun, and time n time hiding from every body’s eyes and kissing each other.

Goa trip was good but what happened after that was not. One night I called Vasundhara and said

“I love you and can’t allow my husband to touch me when I am thinking of you”

“I know it’s difficult but we have to do it”

“How can you expect me to sleep with him when I think of you all the time, I am living with him because of kids and society”

“Sex is the important part of marriage and you can’t deny that”

“Do you love me, if yes then how can you sleep with your husband? When you know that when he will come to you, his touch will make no difference to you and you will only think of me”

“I just sleep like a log with him”

And she disconnects the phone. I knew it was not easy for her too but she will not admit, the sternness in her voice was sounding a sadden lady who is burdened with this unwanted relationship but because of the kids and society she is silent.

That night was somehow passed and we decided to meet each other the next evening. . She came to my house and we hugged each other and I cried like a baby in her arms. She consoled me, cajoled me and showered the kisses on me. She also prepares coffee for me, we sat down with each other.

“So are you going to cry like this every night?”

“I don’t want to cry and that’s why I am planning to give him divorce”

“On what grounds”

I thought to myself but don’t know what to answer her. She holds my hands and said

“Kiran, look at your family pictures on the wall, they are so happy and perfect” I was looking at them, she came close to me, kept my head on her shoulder and said

“We can’t give this perfect family to our kids, nobody will accept our relationship, we are bisexuals”

Her last line torn my heart into pieces, I know that  and we realized it now but  our society doesn’t respect such couples  and it would be difficult to  explain to our children and taking decisions without thinking of them  would be playing with their future. She left the place and we decide to part ways so that we can accept our husbands love for us.

That morning we met each other to say goodbye but my one question helped us change our decision

“Our separation can help us reunite with our husbands and make us love them again”

After a long silence Vasundhara said

“I don’t think so, it’s not only the physical love which binds us together, it’s our emotions towards each other which matters the most. The void in our life was filled with each other and now after leaving you even if I try I can’t be the same vsundhara to my husband”

“Then let’s be like this, we can’t part ways because of our happiness, we can’t part ways because of their happiness too”

“But for how long we will be like this”

“I know it’s difficult to sing this melody; but if we enjoy by only humming then why to sing, I can’t give a smile to their face if I am not happy within.”

“So”

“So, live this relationship till its last breath, if God wants us together we will be together”

For the first time I wanted to believe in Destiny and wanted Vasundhara for infinity.

END