nucleUS-nUcleI

“Hello,” came the voice from other end.
“Hi” I replied. Observing that her voice can still make my heart do Harlem shake and wiggle-wiggle at once.

“The train has arrived at the station. Where are you?” She said.

I panicked. The arrival time showed, when I checked on IRCTC 11:55 and it was only 11:30. I was still trying to find the blue shirt she had gifted me and was my favorite.

“I’m on my way. I suppose the train will stay for half hour” I managed panicking.

“Don’t panic. It will stay, and I’m here waiting for you.” her voice soft understanding.

“Okay” I said.

“Uh-huh!”

I finally found the shirt, disheveling the entire rack. Got the keys of the bike. As soon as I touched the bike the nostalgic lane gripped me tight. I could feel her hold on my body as she did when she sat behind my bike and we went on long drives. I could feel her whispers on my ears through those windy roads that would enliven my soul. I could still see her smile, oh her smile, i died a thousand ecstatic deaths watching it through my rear view mirror, her arms around me. I remember our song, ‘you took my heart away’ which we used to share whenever there was trouble. It energized me far more than a Red Bull or a coffee or the two combined.

Through those nostalgic lanes i arrived at the railway station. My steps were firm no more. As if the fears, my mind was gripped in had transfixed my legs. The last six months have been a Tsunami for my life. She got the job at IBM and had to shift to Pune; the waves of change had devastated the plains of my life, ever since then our talks had minified and arguments grew. For me our relationship had become the Schrodinger’s cat. It’s both alive and dead. One moment she is there, we are there, the other moment I don’t know, I am lost. Long distance relationships or even the anticipation of it sucks!! It has worked in my friend’s cases but apparently not in ours.

I reluctantly took steps towards the platform. I could recall our troubled conversations of the past six months. We had fights before but none like these. Our relationship had become a bed of dried roses and thorns, earlier it was bed of roses. I don’t know what the state of my face was but the state of my heart has been for these past months: whipped! If i have one life-lesson to give anyone, it’s this- It isn’t love if it hasn’t ached yet, it isn’t life if haven’t failed yet! Fed up of this ache and anticipation of failure, I was hoping to see light and success today. I was hoping for her to see and feel and accept my love the way I want her to.

It said her train was to arrive at platform no 4. I didn’t want to look into her eyes and find that the cat was dead for once and for all. I could live with probability even if there was little of it, knowing there’s still a chance for “US”.

I saw her from the steps, her eyes were already on me, my steps toward her quicker. Our eyes never left the other’s. At this moment I didn’t know if I were alive or dead but it was the most amazing feeling I had in a long long time. I hugged her, more tightly than I should (probably broke a bone or two), longer than I ever did in a public place. I wanted to say so many things but my mouth betrayed. I just looked into her eyes and could feel the storm that was about to come. The thing about emotions is that they can change at any moment with minimal stimulus. Her eyes had a storm of tears that she wouldn’t let go for I knew how strong she could be when she wanted to. This time though, I felt like hurting her for being strong for the thing she had made up her mind about. There weren’t words to be heard but things were said and heard. It’s always highway to heaven and stairway to hell.

I couldn’t look at her anymore. So, I asked, “When will you reach Pune?” She told me something and then we talked this and that and then it was time for her train to go. For her to go! Realising this could be our last meeting made me grow a lump on my throat. I know many people don’t even get this and are ditched in far worse ways but it didn’t stopped me feeling, feeling a thousand knifes piercing my heart. I might have broken into tears or maybe not but I just looked at her one last time and there it was, a hint of tear in her eyes.

I rushed toward the exit as soon as the train left the platform and I was wrecked! I figured it would be good for me to just sit for a while at the parking lot on my bike and then go for a long drive alone and let it all out! Scream!! Kick!! Or just cry my eyes out!!

I reached to my bike, wanted to punch it and put on a largest dent possible. That’s when my pocket vibrated, you have one message my phone informed. It was from her. That text was probably sent to make sense of our situation or calm me down but it enraged me like bloodhounds who just smelled blood.

___

The thing about rains is that it resembles many things. At that moment it resembled the similarity between the weather and my eyes. I don’t know how i drived out of traffic or crossed the bridge and what on earth provoked me to be there. But I was there at our favorite spot. Rain had stopped.

“Fukosawa!! Fukosawa my life!!” I screamed, kicking the tree. Our tree.

I wanted to break my phone and destroy the last evidence of our probable last goodbye.

I wanted to drown myself on the river that was next to our spot.

I wanted to call her and shout- HOW CAN SHE DO THAT TO ME??

Instead I looked at the tree and remembered every memory we shared with this tree. The tree that was never named. Our first anniversary, when I first kissed her and she kissed me back. Our lengthy discussion/debate on the first book we bought together(it is a ridiculous thing to buy something together but at that it was the best idea we had): One Day. Our moments of recollection of watching first movie together(I had already watched it and loved it, reason for watching it before was I didn’t wanted to be a cry baby in front of her yet): Eternal Sunshine of Spotless Mind(as predicted she cried on my shoulder. I wiped her tears, caressed her face and kissed her forehead. It was the highlight of that month or probably year). Our first sexting. This tree had shared some of our very best moments and some worst moments but this tops the worst list!

I took out my phone, and read her text again.

//* there’s no easy way to it and no right way.. all ways are wrong or if you change your perspective, right.. i wanted to not cry but i did. i wanted for US to be forever, maybe our forever was until now.. i wanted US to feel infinite always, maybe always has an ending point.. bear with me like you have until now. *

When we were kids we were taught Nuclear fusion and Nuclear fission. Not many care but I did, it is how the universe came to existence after all. When two nuclei come together and form one nucleus a huge amount of energy is released in the process and the process is called nuclear fusion. A lot of energy is involved in bringing together these nuclei too, it is the process that happens on Sun and brings days to our lives.

Now, fission, it’s the process when a nucleus breaks into two or more nuclei. A lot of energy is involved and released in the process too. arrghh! i wish it were easier to explain this, i have thought about it a lot…. So, yeah, so the point is that we were fused, the energy was released and we channeled it into our studies and realizing our dreams. Now that fission has occured energy is released. U & I have been separated just like any other nUcleI in a fission reaction and it’s upto us to channel the energy in the direction of our choice.

We are both radioactive no doubt. I have made my choice, it’s your turn. I know it seems the most unfair thing right now to you and it probably is but not to me. I’m quoting ‘One day’, “Whatever happens tomorrow, we’ve had today.” You can accept this message, think about what I am trying to say or you can just delete it and I don’t know which would be better.

Another valuable science lesson is that ‘Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only be transformed.’ It is the lesson buddhism teaches too. Once again, you must remember what Dumbledore told Harry about choices, ‘It’s our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.’ This separation, which i still feel is best for both of us, is a choice I made and you too have to face the consequences. But from here on now your choices and it’s effects will be your responsibility and it will define you. To be honest I won’t deny I’m being a bit selfish here.
Goodbye//

 

That was her message. Reading it the second time, I thought she meant I should move on and not brood over her. But how can I. We have been US for so long I don’t know how to tackle this U and I part. Who is she to tell me anything anyway? She left me. She can’t tell me what to do anymore.

I wanted to text her back YOU ARE NO ONE TO TELL ME ANYTHING ANYMORE BI**CH!

I wanted to scream FUKOSAWA YOU FUKOSAWAFACE!

But I knew she was right. Her message was as extraordinary as her.

Yet my mind won’t let go of her. Not yet at least. I could see the cloud vanishing and sun coming now. The reflection of sun on the river was distorted in the disturbed water and i thought to myself: She is the light of my life. If she can lecture me science in her parting message so can I.

//You know light exhibits the property of both material and wave. Unusual right? Just like you and you know it. You have been light of life. Until now you were particle from now on you will be wave. You don’t have to be to be with me, your presence will be felt. Maybe with time it will distort and probably disappear. But until then, or until I fully grasp what you said in your message, get used to this U&I part, you will be my light!//

I texted her back. The day had ended.

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