Three blind mice
Vitriol is a big enemy. Every time I stray from Mount Pleasant, my fall awaits me. But, it is isn’t simple to maintain an air of competent tight-lippedness in the face of defiance and obvious rebellion, construding into me, asking for my complicity to exist. It demands, to derive from me, not just a passive permission, but a sort of shadowy silence, the kind that dements.
The counter to this, in myself, and to the world, in conversation is a control of the tongue, of the proverbial and the said and spoken and the profanity of it all goes deep into its other-hood and turns into posies. But somewhere, a sense of humor is lost and the complaints have been endless in this matter. The all-important laity pilfers from a dearth of punch-lines.
While it is as much anyone’s intention to aim for punch lines as it is someone else’s to be the butt of a joke, the problem remains, of the mis-stepping humors. It turns out that humor is a few degrees long and short.
I snarl sometimes. But I’m hoping that I wonder more than I snarl, that I am yet that much wetter than am I am dried up. Where or what for? With the dew of wonder, with the ebb of things to say and not quite knowing what to…
Aside from all this that I haven’t sent, there is one other thing.
It is when I begin to feel that I have no more love and in its place, regret, that I think, things truly change. I think I’m there now. I think, as a realist, that it was never love, it was a need to get along and a job to get done. All that goes with it kept me from actually realizing that it was always regretful. I didn’t deserve you. I deserved better. I’m over it.
I think this is that point for me, that breaks up relationships in a final sense. I think there is no going back. The point of no return.
I know you say that we always broke up for other reasons, and it had nothing to do with me and you would have me repay this courtesy to you. But do know, that I understand that it is only a matter of courtesy. I think if you were honest with yourself, you’d find things you had to say, that would make you confront regret and truly help you move on to something new.
I think, that by making things easy to digest, you have at most bought yourself time. It is just another insecurity and just another mask to hide behind.
For a long time, I mistook this for a real difference. I thought that since you were not the type to throw your weight about aggressively, I thought you were actually different. It turns out, that you were simply more dangerous, if anything. Since you repress the fact that you are human and fallible, just as insecure about yourself if not more than the next person and you refuse to take this in any way seriously, you are worse than the average thug.
You are dangerous, a slow poison that relishes how its prey dies and you enjoy the suffering you inflict.
You are worse that I expected and I should’ve known that there is really no getting better, only a getting worse, in terms of all the shades of grey.
Now, I really believe this.
I used to justify you. I used to give you a very long reign because something about a silent sort of a person, who brooded more than he complained satisfied me. But that don’t make it precious.
The reason my attachments have waned and faded is really this: that I deserve better, if I would choose to be in a relationship with anybody. And what I need may not really be there either. But that is a risk I may take, if I am ever to really feel, in my veins,blood pulsing through my body. It is difficult to tell you these things, but passion isn’t as simple and mundane as something that I could just derive from running around the block or gazing at the sky or something. A relationship is much more than that. Passion for life is more than that. To live beautifully is to be more adventurous and artful than that.
I think in this sense, you were the last straw. Everything that came after you was an exercise in competitive jealousy. That is, I’m not so jealous if I level myself with an equilibrium that allows me to laugh it off when your “other” interests bounced back into my trough.
I also think, it has all been a very comprehensive task and won’t change, not by deed nor re-thought nor lives that I will live again and again.
I think.
And, the only reason this last straw went looking for the light at the end of the tunnel, the proverbial rabbit hole, is because, there was no magic anywhere else. The only magic there existed in this universe was there, twinkling in your green eyes. I think I put it there. I think I take it back.
I think it had nothing to do with me or you,either.
I know much of still feels incomplete, with bits hanging off like shark bait. But, it is complete. Like an unfinished symphony.
In all this, I still have reason to celebrate. Our mouse trap has finally worked.
__
