PART VIII
Wasted another day of Sunday calling on her number and motivating ‘Rounaq’ to let me speak to ‘Aaliya’. But she was not at all interested… not even once. Finally in my last conversation with ‘Rounaq’, I told her that I shall meet ‘Aaliya’ next day in her University to which she didn’t respond properly.
Night became a nightmare within days… I felt like everything was winding up… I felt so close to death… Aakib was with me in my room, but I couldn’t speak a word because this ‘pain’ was so hard to be put in words. My heart was heavy like a mountain, holding all the weights on it without even saying a word. I burned my pain into ashes whole night… but ashes never mean that there is no fire beneath. The more I burnt them, more blazing fire it produced. As far as my memory tells me, I have never wept or cried for anyone ever in life… because since childhood I used to think that “Men never cry” and always considered myself a “man”, but this night failed all my inbuilt rules of life – I couldn’t control emotions and the entire pain liquified into tears…
This night took longer to turn into it’s respective day, as if dawn had to come travelling from a miles of light years today. Finally, it turned into a long awaited day. I, accompanied by my best friend ‘Aakib’ reached Jammu University at the break of dawn just to meet her and explain how wrongly she’d interpreted things. I waited for her outside the ‘Management School’ where she was persuing MBA, waited for her till recession. Finally she was out. No sooner I saw her, I approached her – “Aaliya, I need to talk…”
“What for? Go away Shayaan. I don’t want to talk to you… I don’t want to see your face ever again in my life… For God’s sake, leave me alone… don’t create a scene here…” she said in anger.
“Goddamn… you understand… you… you need to understand the pulse of the situation. Things are not as you interpret them to be, I will… I’ll explain each and everything to you…” I tried to settle issues and misunderstandings. I tried to make her understand how and why I lied to her, and that about my plan of giving her a ‘surprise’ that would actually screw my life I never knew. I told her everything, everything she should have believed, but she didn’t believe even a single word I said to her and this was the worst feeling I got in Love.
Infact this instigated that anger in her eyes… and she rudely said, “Shayaan, go to hell… I said I neither wanna talk to you again nor wanna see your face ever again. I don’t want any sort of a bloody relationship with you. You live or die, doesn’t matter to me anymore… Please get outta my life!” she said… returning the ‘Silver Ear-rings’ and all other gift items wrapped in same cover, threw the pieces of greeting cards to my face… scattered around the ground whilst they finally landed. I could see my ‘Love’ in every bit of those cards I had given her and could also see the immense intensity of anger in the every alternate piece.
BUT this was something I would call ‘enough’… enough to make things ugly, enough to make this relationship ugly. I felt insulted in front of so many people around us, in front of her friends, and in front of my best friend ‘Aakib’. I felt like she didn’t even care about my respect. She disrespected and insulted me which I could never tolerate in life. In my life, I could always compromise with any damn thing but not with… my… self-esteem.
I knew things shouldn’t have happened that way. That was the ugliest turn of our relationship. Alas! I’d never dreamed of loving someone again after breaking-up with my ex, but then I was made to dream of love, and I dreamed of it again – a beautiful dream, but now see – a dream shattered
I didn’t say anything as she turned away from me with every student around staring at me. It was an awkward moment and the most unpleasurable moment gifted to me by the one I loved most. I looked at my best friend, he too was hurt seeing this unexpected, unfortunate scene. I turned away… walked away… and left the place.
I thought to give her time to realize… may be she was much angry with me that moment. I thought of giving a second try. I gave a 7 day pause… and all seven days were like seven ‘Hells’ joined together for me… to face them… and burn in them. After a week I called her late evening and after about 15 calls she received and I tried to make her understand but she didn’t listen to even a single word I said and this frustrated me more and more. Finally, in my last try I asked her – “Aaliya, just to reply to one last question?”
“What?” she asked.
“Just tell me… Is there any last way possible that would make you mine again?” I asked.
To which she said – “Shayaan, I wish I could find you again just like I found you then…” then she continued, “…I’ve walked many a miles with you but now I’ve decided to walk my miles without you… So, Good Bye…” she said breaking my heart but I could feel that it hurt her too. She was weeping silently but she was not at all ready to get into a relationship ever again with me.
I never believed in Love. But after meeting this girl I had started believing in Love again. I did everything to get my Love and keep it safe and secure. Love for me was beyond the point of “no-see” and this was the first time in my life I felt like I had already reached beyond the skies and embraced Love. But things too had changed around. I knew there was no chance of getting back in a relationship. What hurt me more was the unfortunate second she saw unfortunately. She saw her holding of my hand but she didn’t see my resistance in her holding of my hand. Why was this meant to be? Why was this beautiful relation meant to end like this? I kept wondering but that didn’t change even a bit of her opinion.
Mili Saza Jo Mujhe Wo Kisi Khata Pe Nahi Thi…
Mujh Pe Jurm Jo Saabit Hua, Wo Wafa Ka Tha…
PART IX
(December 2009)
Days passed, weeks passed, but every moment residing in them screwed this broken heart further more. Every night I wouldn’t sleep but think… of her. She contained a complete world of mine… inside of her. I used to take shelter under the countless stars every night which would console me, but when you look at the stars, you’re actually looking into the past because astronomically many of the stars we see at night have already died.
Anyways, something made me recall the day when I’d met her for the very first time. It was the first time I’d met her… as though there was nothing I could have said that could have articulated the waves in my stomach, I was taken aback by her smile, the dent on her cheeks… wow… and the words she spoke. She was so beautiful and it radiated from inside her. I’d promised to be with her always in her good times and bad… but now, see… I walk alone… and she walks alone… I do regret… but still something makes me smile… amidst this morbid dread of being alone… and that something is – ”the mem’ries of her that I have… :’)
This December night… I can feel the same chilling cold… the same unpleasant sky… the same echoing silence… the same broken pieces of Love… the same fear of losing what’s left within… the same ”invisibility” gaurding the nature, the same ”million stars” perching on azure… the feeling just similar to the time when I’d been shattered in life before. And my theatre of being desolately alone made me wish nothing more than a common death. This “Past” of mine which no one knew untill I wrote this story of my life, pricks up the pericardium of my heart, spilling all the pericardial fluid and causing a shock to my already weak heart. I never blame or abuse or accuse any part or any time of my past. This “Past” has always been a great place indeed… but… the only thing that I always wished to get erased from my life was that fraction of a second which plugged all the happy moments from my life.
It takes approximately 500 pounds to crush a human skull, but a human emotion is a much more delicate thing. I’d never thought that my break-up was gonna be similar to my bike accident I’d last year which broke off the wind-shield and the wiser, I’d just slammed the breaks and I was skidding towards an emotional impact.
“…Almost 4 months had passed since that scene had happened which screwed up everything between me and her. This December further came with a pleasant morning and I had just woken up and was getting ready for the breakfast… before going downstairs I picked up my mobile phone which was still sleeping near my pillow since night. I’d got 3 missed calls from three different people… first two were my friends and third number on the screen was the one I’d deleted from my cell phone hundreds of times but saved in phone again every other day. This number was one I would die to see someday being displayed again on the screen on my mobile phone – yes, your guess is right – it was no other than Aaliya.
She had called me in the morning when I was sleeping. I couldn’t actually believe my eyes… without any second thought, I called on her number. She received the call… for a few seconds no one spoke… she waited for me to speak first while I waited for her and finally only she broke the silence between us saying my name “Shayaan… speak up”.
Oh, I can’t tell you how excited moment of my life that was. I felt like the king of all the worlds. I felt like the Super-Hero of all fiction movies. I stumbled while speaking to her while she was the one who kept on speaking… she cried a lot… I could feel those emotional breaks which her beautiful vixen voice carried. I was just trying to make her relax… though my own eyes flooded a lot but I never let her know that I’m no more a man who doesn’t cry.
She asked me to get married to her as she couldn’t resist being away from me. She told me about all the misunderstandings that she had… and how she got confirmed every truth and every reality behind that scene. She said that she was sorry for not trusting me… she felt like so low for doubting me and about even thinking to leave me alone. She cursed herself a lot while I all the way was trying to make her relax.
“Just relax Aaliya… See, whatever happens is the planning of God, we can’t deny His planning. This short phase also had to come in our life and it came… and now see, it’s quitting it’s existence from our beautiful love life. Everything happens for a reason. Now we are together you see… we shall never part… no power on this Earth now can separate us from one another…” I told her and made her calm her mind…”
.
.
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Well, during this wonderful conversation, my phone rang up louder near my ears – making me shake up and wake up from this wonderful “Dream”… The only Dream I would dream of, at that moment of my life… I opened my eyes to check the call… just to make me realize that this Dream which came is now gone… gone forever… though it made me happy for a few moments… but after all, all dreams don’t come true and that we must accept to live in reality no matter how hard that is. And with this thought I resumed to my current state – ‘being desolately alone’.
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