I started my classes this month. My girlfriend and i finally ended up in the same class, God that makes me too happy. My friends from this class are also cool and fun to hang out with. I believe this year gonna be a good year for me.
Its gonna be Valentine’s day this month, so… I have decided to do something different for my girl. I’m gonna prepare a song for her. Will take her to picnic, spend the whole day with her there and definitely make her feel special. I’m so excited for 14th now.
Today was fun, she was little late for our picnic. She said she had some work to take care of. I sang her the song and we had a lovely lunch on our picnic. I asked her about what work she had, but she refused to talk about it. Its fine, as long as she is with me I’m happy. I don’t have much people around me, My mom always sick and my dad is always on business trips. So a companion to bond with is what I cherish.
Exams are here now. Me and my friends have study sessions at my place but actually we just goof around. I don’t mind, i don’t care. I’m just happy, so everything will be alright.
Summer’s approaching and I’m thinking of going on a trip with my girl. Plus I have this idea that to make a sketch of her and give it to her as a present on her birthday in September. She always wanted that, so why not finally do it.
Summer’s here and my trip plan is canceled. As what my girl says “ I’m not much interested in the trip in summer, plus I have lots of work to do this summer”. I asked her what works ? but all she said was that I won’t understand. Since then we meeting and talking less. I hope we won’t go apart, cause I really want her in my life. Anyways , my friends said that if I’m not going with my girl then why not join them in a river rafting experience this summer. So yeah, I’m going river rafting … wooooohhhhh!
I’m leaving for the place near the river where we will set up our camp. And also I failed in my exams, i gotta take the retests soon. So going with my friends will be a good change of pace.
(During River rafting , their boat drowned in the water killing all the people in the boat. Only he made it back alive).
Last month, my friends died. Somehow I made it back alive. How I feel about it ? I feel awful not because I lost my friends that is already left a deep impact on my mind, but because their families are taunting me that I should have also died there with my friends . I’m no one special. I don’t know why but slowly I feel that they might be right. Now in society , People look at me like I’m some kind of cursed person. My classmates don’t wanna be friends with me anymore. My girl doesn’t even like to meet me in public now. Its just we talk on the call, that’s what our relationship is now a days. I’m trying to work it out, it not my fault that I made it back alive. It feels like people wanted me dead. Anyways I love her and I will work hard to make her happy to be with me. I’m gonna make an effort on this.
Finally the day is here. I will bring a beautiful smile on her face. Its her Birthday!…
I finished the sketch,got it framed and got it wrapped up in a cute gift wrapping paper with a pink ribbon on it. I just hope she would like it. This is my effort to fix things between us.
Well I went to her house, but her mom opened the door. My girl was not at home, her mother said she went out with her friends. So I waited for her almost all night on the road, but she never showed up. She’s not picking my calls or replying my texts. So as dawn approched, I went to her mother and gave her the sketch and asked her to check on her daughter where abouts cause she didnt returned all night, just to be safe. Her mother rudely shut the door. I don’t know what’s up with that. I just hope she is safe. I don’t wanna loose her, right now she is the only person I have for me. If it come to the point that I made her mad for something then I’m willing to apologize for my mistake.
I got a text from her saying that I’m bothering her too much by going to her house and that i should back off now.
so I’ve decided to give her some space to work things out.
Change of things this month , Things going more south now. Dad went back on his business trip and now mom is in the hospital. Doctor says that she needs to stay in hospital until further notice. So the house chores are on me now along with the frequent rounds to hospital. But I don’t mind it, I get to see my mom’s crooked teeth cute smile whenever I visit her. Plus there is this kid in the next room who bothers me always. He is like a fanboy, this kid loves my sketches and always ask me to play songs for him on guitar. He wants to become like me but all that came to my head was “ be careful what you wish for kid.”.Its little annoying because i don’t admire my life and this kid does, but mom says I should do things which bring a smile on other people’s face.
Today my girl called me and said she wanted to meet me. She said and I quote “ I’m sorry for taking so long but you and I are no more. I’m already seeing another guy since February and I didn’t know how to tell you but I don’t wanna break your heart or anything. Try to work things out, Its not like your alone or something.”.
I didn’t knew I was being double timed, but now it all make sense , the late valentine’s day , the avoiding calls and texts , the cancelation of my trip, the night out on her birthday.
I don’t have a strong heart to even tell her that i’m broken of what she did to me, and yes I’m alone, and I need her, but guess its all over now. She won’t understand my situation anymore. Dad please come back home….its really hard to deal with this burden on my shoulder.
Nov 10th : my mom took her last breaths, her cancer finally ended her suffering. She is gone now and I can’t believe it.
Something did change, Dad came back home and since he is still here. But we both barely talk to each other. I don’t see a reason to talk to him anymore….
I guess this is how it feels to be alone. Shutting the door of my emotions to the ones who lost their chance to show theirs.
The whole world is celebrating Christmas and preparing for new year. I really tried to find a reason to prepare for the next year but I just can’t. And it really got me thinking that What if the next year is gonna be worse than this, I don’t even wanna live next year even if nothing bad happens cause I’m just sick of living my life like this. Let’s take a recap :
I failed in my exams,
I lost my friends , my status in society . Basically my social life was totally dead.
Left wiht a broken heart.
And I lost my mom.
No communication with dad is just a cherry on the cake.
DEC 31st : my girlfriend(EX) called me and asked to meet me. I went and she brought me the sketch. My heart was crushed when I saw that she never even opened the sketch. I asked her that she never saw it ? and she said she didn’t wanted it anyway so she never opened it. Then she asked whats in it? . so I opened it and she was speechless looking at herself carved on a paper. She started to cry babbling about how she made a mistake of letting me go and everything she done. She holded me and asked me to take her back. But I was out of emotions and chances. I knew she just got impressed by the sketch, when she is satisfied she will leave again. I brought the sketch home and burned it. I’ve decided that I’m gonna end my self too, No point in living like this. This paper indicates me, my work and my emotions I put in it. It met it’s end today and so will i.
(The door bell rangs)
Someone is at the door, it’s that little kid and his mother. That damn kid didn’t forgot that he wanted to be like me and finally at my doorstep to learn guitar. I said no ….
But his mother begged me to reconsider and told me that this little kid has just a year or so to live. Learning guitar from me was his heartily desire.
Why me ….. I’m nothing. I can’t even….
“You should do things to bring smile on other people’s face.”.
Mom? … why am I remembering it now. Does this mean anything to me ?
This little kid he has such a big smile on his face and that excitement in his eyes to learn music. Why ? he is gonna die…. Why bother now to learn ?
(the little kid says : “ Please be my teacher… I know im not that good at learning but mom says If I have hope for something, then I will definitely gonna get it. I just have to work hard ;) “. )
What? Does hoping really gets you what you desire ? this boy hopes to learn music rather than hoping that he wont die.
I see why now….he hopes for something he can really achieve facing the harsh reality that nothing he can do about his end. But still rather than crying and being unhappy about it, he searched and found something that will really make him happy. He doesn’t care about death anymore. Saddness of lossing something precious can be filled with joy of gaining something.
If I look again to this year :
I spend great time with my friends while studies,
I came back alive , rather than being dead,
I found and learned something about me when I lost my girl, its that im precious to me…
And most of all from my mom , if I can make this boy smile I guess its not that difficult to make my self smile again . I just need to look for the right thing.
Starting with this kid, I’m gonna make an effort to make myself happy so I can spread it around just the way my mom did with her crooked teeth cute smile. ….
[ With new year, we should look at the happiness we collected the last year and hope for the happiness we will achieve this year. There is hope inside everybody, we just need to look at it in the right place…]