Social Short Story – Surviving Schizophrenia
Photo credit: dhester from morguefile.com
I have had schizophrenia for 30 years. I was first diagnosed with the disease at age 15. I started having delusions about my past. I have flash backs about things happening in my past that are not real.
There are stories about people dying that are not related. These are disconnected thoughts about people I know. I see images as if I have extra sensory perception. I do not remember the things taking place until after something happens. The delusions may occur as a result to my medication. The medication triggers a side effect that suppresses my memory.
The reaction to my medication is a form of dementia. I have dreams about people raping me and holding me hostage. I can pass by a park and tell that a gang had killed and raped a child my age. I can tell stories about how black men were lynched in the forest and tell who did it. I fear my life is being threatened. I fear people are following me. I hear voices from people stating I am asking for it. I can feel the anger of people while I am in public. Gangs in Vegas are scary.
I fear having a child like most black women. I fear that my son will be threatened to join a gang family and deal drugs, go to prison or get murdered for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. I fear having a daughter grow up being molested or raped by a gang and threatened into prostitution and beaten to death.
Tupac said that no man can tell you when and where to create a child. This is my body. I chose with whom I want to sleep with and I will sleep with him when I am ready. This is America. I have that right to choose. No one has the right to force you into being with someone. In America, if you don’t like him, I can walk away. The threats of an old boyfriend is terror to force you to like him. Only in Vegas.
I am staying strong by saying no because I know better. I fear she will have kids as a single mom with no support with the chance of being homeless. I fear I am placed with schizophrenia to live like a homeless person. With medication I am able to work, go to school and live a normal life. I have lupus and diabetes. I am afraid of dying by a drive by or being smothered in my sleep. In fear, I tried to commit suicide afraid of people stocking me. I wanted to take my life before they did. With lupus and diabetes everything effects my immune system.
I can have an attack at any time. I can get my limbs chopped off at any time. I can easily get effected from aids and die. I have had some close calls from the disease where I faced death. How I view the world is through a looking glass always with my eyes at the back of my head watching my back. I wake up some days wishing my life away. I feel I have no one in my life but me who cares. I live my life everyday not talking to anyone with the same routine daily. It is kind of boring.
I have no social life. I have no activities. I am broken because of an abusive relationship with a young boy increased into him controlling my life. Any man who beats you and says he loves you is abusive. Any man who tells you that you can not have friends is abusive. Any man who forces you to live in poverty is abusive. I have learned to take care of myself because my parents taught me to be independent from a man. I am a survivor who lived to tell the truth about a broken relationship that could have ruined me. With all my problems, taking my pills is keeping me alive.
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