My life story

I was always the happiest child, never got in any trouble at school. Always smiling and trying my best to make others smile. I always had skinned knees and other scrapes on my body from playing outside with my brother all day long. We lived on a chicken farm in Lake View Sc and in order to even get to our house you’d have to drive what seemed like a mile down our dirt road. It was my mother (Heather Freeman Gulledge) my step dad (James Gulledge) my two brothers (William Blake Hyatt), (Dakota Lee Gulledge) and I. My siblings and I didn’t get alone all the time, but hey that’s any other brother and sister. My grandma (Lessie Tyndall Pitman) was also a big part in our lives. I loved that woman with all my heart! I’d cry and scream everytime she would leave the yard. I didn’t know what I’d do without that woman. She was a blessing, and I was very proud to call suck a beautiful and strong woman my grandmother. But it all changed. From a heart breaking phone call, to a childs worst nightmare..

January 1, 2005 I woke up to mom talking about a voicemail grandma had left overnight. Grandma had told her that she was leaving town for a little while, and everything that was in her house and whatever money she had was hers, and before she hung up she told mom she loved her and told her to tell the grandbabies (us) she loved us. I can remember the stress that was in the house that day and mama trying to call her all day, and never a answer.

Late that afternoon my mom and older brother (William Blake Hyatt) took off to go to grandma’s to check on her. My smaller brother (Dakota Lee Gulledge) and I where sitting in our bedroom playing with the new toys we got for Christmas. We where both innocent children, both to young to understand that what was going on was serious until the phone started ringing. I remember my step dad coming in and sitting down on the bed at that very moment my little heart was preparing to hear the worst. He looked at us very seldom  with a look in his eye that was just to hard to describe.

When he finally spoke his words where “You’re grandmother has gone to be with the angels. She has passed.”

At that time I was old enough to understand the expression. I dropped everything I was doing and started crying. My brother was to young to understand what it meant so daddy explained to him. It was a long night waiting for mom to come back home and when she did both her and my older brother had tears in their eyes, and expressions on their face that was to hard to read. Neither one where saying anything. For my little eyes couldn’t imagine what they have seen, but I knew deep down in my little broken heart it was something unbearable.

A couple days later I overheard mom on the phone, I stopped and I listened that is when I learned my grandmother, my mema had taken her own life. That hurt even more then knowing she was gone. Over the days mom had grown very distant. We had lots of people coming over to our house every day to check on us and bringing us food. But that wasn’t enough for me. I wanted to hear my grandma’s voice, I wanted to hear her singing, I wanted to smell her perfume. She was gone, and there was nothing no one could do about it.

When it came time for the setting up and funeral I asked God to be with my family. Mom and I where in the back seat the day of the funeral looking out the window and above in the sky is a heart shaped cloud. She turned to tell daddy to look and by the time we could all glance back at it, it had disappeared. I took it in as a sign that she was okay and she was watching us from above. It was hard to sit there and look at her not moving, not breathing, not doing nothing. I was looking at her face when I was saying my last goodbyes and I swear I saw it, my grandma smiled. She looked at peace, and I knew no one could never hurt her again but being selfish I still wanted her to hold me and rock me in her loving and caring arms.

Days went on pretty soon it was just us again. Mama was still distant. When it came time to have grandma’s stuff and her trailer mom would disappear and hide in the trailer. I hated seeing her hurting and it only hurt my heart more. I became distant also from my friends, I didn’t care to speak to anyone anymore. I slept with the teddy bear every night she give me when I was much younger, and I wouldn’t go to sleep without it.

After her death, I started seeing her both my oldest brother and I. My brother walked outside and seen her. I walked outside and seen her standing beside the tractor and she looked more beautiful then ever. I laid in bed one night, I had a blue princess mirror that was on the side of my desk and I laid looking into it, looking into the sadness of my eyes and right into my sad soul. The closer I looked, and the harder I looked it was no longer my face looking back at me but my grandmothers. It didn’t scare me fore I have been able to see spirits my entire life. I touched it and she disappeared. She found ways to show herself to me.

From there on into my life, everything changed. I was no longer this happy little girl but I turned into the most troublesome teenager and my mothers heartache. I was always getting in trouble in school, get suspended, even got kicked out of school for skipping school one day. I hated who I became but apart of me was dead in away. I was emotionless. I ran away from home, I’d sneak out a nights just to hangout with guys who I thought loved me but they only wanted one thing from me. 2009 I was only fifteen years old. I was drinking and doing drugs. I didn’t tell my mom cause I knew she’d flip. I just went more and more into it.

I met a guy (William Griggs) he was much older then me, maybe twenty or twenty one at the time. I went to church with him and I liked him. Well one day I was brave enough to tell him I liked him and like any other teenage girl I lied to him about my age. We kept our relationship quite though. I loved him and he loved me. First guy to show me respect. We met up at church one night and after we sneaked back to my place I hid him in the barn went inside and waited for my parents to go to bed. After they’ve gone to bed I left out the back door met him in the barn.

It was a cold chilly night. I remember walking around town without a worry in the world. We no longer lived on the farm so it was much easier for me to do all this. It was getting late and we where both getting tired and we decided instead of sleeping out in the barn we would crawl through the church window that was always unlocked and sleep inside. We did so and laid on the floor without a worry in the world. Morning came and I had to rush home before my parents woke up, we went our own ways from there. I was happy.. I got back in and crawled in my bed like nothing had happened and my parents never knew about it.

Later on in the relationship everyone eventually found out and when they did everyone flipped out about it. My mom told me I was no longer allowed to talk to him. That’s when I started cutting. That day I went in my room and grabbed the sharpest thing I could and just started slicing. Later on I just wanted to die for I was inlove with a man I couldn’t be with. I tried to overdose on something, can’t remember what it was but I know it was enough to overdose on. I wrote letters to all my loved ones and just as I started feeling weak I went to sleep thinking I’d never wake up. I was wrong though cause I woke up real sick throwing up and burning up. I didn’t tell no one, I didn’t seek medical help. All I wanted was death and I was going to let it over come me. The next day I was still feeling weak but I was still alive and I was upset so I cut more. I wouldn’t speak to my mom, I wouldn’t even leave my room. I only wanted one thing and I couldn’t have it.

201o I get a friends request and a message. A guy named (James McLellan) inboxing me on facebook asking me if I knew who he was. I didn’t know the name but the face I knew. I asked mom and she told me “If you want anything to do with him, that’s your decision. That’s you’re so called biological farther.”

I didn’t know what to think then. All these years I wondered who he was, I wanted to find him and he some how found me. I talked to him and found out I had younger sister and a younger brother. (Kelsey McLellan), (Kendall McLellan) and (Tommy McLellan) I was very thrilled at the thought cause I always wanted a sister, and all alone I had two. Kelsey and I interacted very shortly after meeting James though. He gave her my number and she called me. It was nice to get to know my little sister and I enjoyed every second of it.

Well there came a day I wanted to meet James and instead of asking mom I do it behind her back and she found out and when she did she was mad at me. She didn’t want me to have nothing to do with him and my step dad was hurt by it. I loved my step dad he was always there for me growing up but apart of me wanted to know my real dad. Later on in the year my bestfriend (Samantha Walters) and I where in my room just sitting. We where both bored and her boyfriend had mad her mad and at the time I had a guy friend (Brandon Parker) who if I asked he did any and everything for me. I called him up that night and asked him to meet me somewhere away from the house and we rode off to Dillon.

It didn’t take mom long to find out we where gone because before we could even get down the road she was calling. I ignored it though. I didn’t care. I wasn’t scared, I just decided I’m going to do me regardless. Sam’s mom started calling her and she answered it and so we had to drop her off at the hospital where her mother was meeting her to get her. I staid with (Jason Parker) and Brandon in the car and we drove off when she got out. My mom still calling and texting. I decide it would be safer for the guys if they let me out somewhere. So I waled around Dillon Sc, that night bored out my mind. I decided to go hang out with a guy friend, not mentioning his name for very good reasons but we hung out for a little bit. I was having the time of my life and doing any and everything I could possibly do in the heat of the moment cause I knew I’d pay for it later so why not just do whatever.

I left his house that night and sat upon Bills Corner. It was dark and cold and not a soul in sight. Then a car came down the road. I didn’t walk away I just sat there. It stopped and I realized it was an officer whom had been looking for me all night. Well he found me. He called me mom and told her he found me well she didn’t want me, so he took me to my biological dad’s house. My sister (Kelsey McLellan) and her friends (Brittany Hunt) and (Gabby James) had to let me in the house because my dad wasn’t home he was out somewhere and wouldn’t be in until the next morning. I got in and my first time meeting my little sister she’s opening the backdoor to a police car to let me out. I went in and we all hung out for a little bit Brittany left and it was just Kelsey, Gabby, and I.

I went to sleep on the couch. I was tired and ready to just sleep everything off. I woke up that morning with my grandmother (Marie Gibson) in my face. It was weird waking up to her. My dad was home at the time to and he called me in the bedroom and asked me about the night before. He didn’t fuss at me or nothing he was just glad I was there. The same day we go to my mom’s house to get my clothes and other belongings and I instantly moved in with my papa (Larry Gibson) my sister, grandma, and my dad. It was great.

My little sister and I was always sneaking out at night time, smoking weed, sneaking out to go to the river.. It was a good life for a little while. I was there for a couple weeks until my mom called saying if I didn’t start going back to school I’d be sent to Djj and she’d be placed in jail. So I packed up a few pieces of clothes and went back to moms. I still went to my dads tho quite often. I got back to my moms and we went shopping the next day for new clothes and anything I possibly wanted. Also had time to talk to ourselves. My mom loved me. Even though she gave up on me for only a few days she forgave me and honestly I’m glad she did that. In away my mom is and always has been my hero. I ended up moving back in with her because my grandma found where I was hiding beer bottles and kicked me out her house. I was glad to be back at my moms anyway.

2012 I was back on drugs and cutting worse then before. I was in and out of relationships. I even dropped out of school. From that moment on I knew my life was going no where at all. I didn’t seem to care though. I was always with the wrong people. I was staying at a friends house one night (Alycia Martin) that was a great night indeed. I met a guy who right off I knew it was love at first sight.In one night he showed just how much of a caring person he was. We started dating eventually. I met my Uncle (Nash McLellan) through those people. Well me and this guy started dating. (Larry Mauck) Everything about him seemed so perfect. There was no sex on the first night and from that I knew he wasn’t like every guy. He seen my scars and he didn’t judge me he just asked why and he kissed them. From that moment on I loved him. It only lasted for a month and we broke up but remained friends, he never once turned his back on me and I was just happy he was still in my life.

2013 I was off the drugs. I wasn’t cutting anymore. I was happy, I was different. I wasn’t in trouble anymore. I was dating (Montana Eugene Ritchie) I was happy with him at first bu then everything changed. We lost that spark. I was with him from October 2012 up until August 2013. I found out I was pregnant but it wasn’t his. I cheated on him with his bestfriend. I was drunk and mad at Montana so I did the deed and I paid for it. I couldn’t tell him so I just packed up my things and left for my moms.

I ended up having a miscarriage cause my stomach wasn’t very strong at the time from all the BC powders I’ve eaten. I was upset but everything happens for a reason and I was still a kid myself. I then came back in touch with a guy (Douglas Lee Moore) I had strongly liked over two years ago and we where both single so we pretty much hit it off and started dating. I was happy. I couldn’t ask for better. I loved him, his daughter, and his family. Not everyday was sunshine but we made it. I was hidden in the dark though from his baby mama. I was mad about it but I wasn’t going to leave him I was madly inlove with him. He was there for me whenever I needed it. We even had our own place for a little while out in Emanuelville. That was a life.

Waking up to him every morning, going to sleep beside him every night. Having dinner ready for him by the time he got off work. I was proud of myself. Well I eventually moved back in with my mom and he moved back in with his dad. We where still together just not living together. He became very controlling. I could no longer hang around certain friends anymore and I couldn’t have guy friends without him swearing up and down I was cheating on him. A couple days after Christmas he left me alone in the house. He had moved back to his grandparents house and I was staying with him to spend Christmas with him.

Well that night took dramatic changes. He left me to go see his baby mama. I was devastated, I was hurt. He had alot of pills laying around and I decided to take whatever my hands got on, not knowing what they where all I know is I wanted to just end it. I made a video recording on my phone for him and sat there. I was starting to feel really high and weak at the same time. My vision was blurry. I was still awake when he came home but I also ended up passing out. I didn’t tell him I had taken a bunch of mixed pills and I went to sleep not caring to tell him he might wake up in the morning with me dead beside him. I woke up that morning sick and hurting this was twice I’ve did this and it didn’t kill me. There was a reason it wasn’t working.

Like every morning he took me ot hang out with his stepmom (Shirley Moore) and sister (Angel Moore) who was also my bestfriend I told her every thing. I was hurting so bad that day I asked Shirley to take me to the hospital. I told them what was wrong with me and they sent me to Aiken Sc, to a mental hospital. I was a couple hours away from home. I was scared my first night there, and I knew it was for the best. I made fiends here, I had fun. Until this day I still try to keep in touch with everyone of them.  But that hospital saved me. The best part was sitting out in the opening and seeing all these broken males and females smile. It touched me in away I couldn’t describe.

I asked myself a question and I asked others the same “Do I want to feel better, or do I want to be accepted for how I feel when I feel and what I feel”.

Very good question. Well new years I spent it with all those people and I loved every second of it. I only had a few more days left and I was able to go home. I had a very good friend in there (Chris Seymour) he made me feel at home with his warm smile and the sparkle in his sad brown eyes. My last couple days there I spent holding his hand. Not in a relationship wise but just to let each other know we where there for each other. Those couple days passed by now 2014, and it was time for us to leave. Chris left before I did. I was his first hug, he hugged other people hugged me again, hugged more and before he walked out the double doors I ran to him with tears in my eyes and gave him another hug. When it was finally time for me to go I was happy in away but also sad. I didn’t want to leave them but I missed Lee, and I missed my family. I got home that night and mom swept me up in her embrace “My baby girls home”

I was happy and wanted to cry at the same time. Couple days later I was back with Lee. I discovered the cold hard truth. While I was in the mental hospital he was out there having the time of his life with another girl while at the same time he was calling me telling me how much he misses me and how much he loved me. I was strong then, I knew how to handle it. I confronted him about it but of course like any other man he lied about it. Well I confronted her about it and just like any other female who didn’t know the guy she was talking to had a girlfriend she told me the truth. I wasn’t mad at her I was mad at him. So I left him. I moved out my moms into a apartment with a girl I grown up with whom I called my sister (Kasey Knobles) and her girlfriend (Lisa Powers). I enjoyed it I felt alot of care. I felt loved.

Well a couple days later the guy from two years ago (Larry Mauck) Came out there to see me and ended up staying there. I was happy. Cause even though I loved others, he was the only one I ever wanted. We talked things over, and we ended up back together. I was in straight awe and thrilled. For he was now mine again. We moved back in at my moms and at the time she was getting ready to move to Mount Croghan Sc to my step dads land he had got when his father passed away. Larry and I where moving to Shelby Nc with my aunt (Mae Tyndall) and her boyfriend (Charlie Clugstone). Moving day finally got here and it was tiring. We where finally done for the night and drove the distant to where my mom was staying. Larry and I had to stay with them from the Friday to that Sunday to wait on my aunt and her boyfriend to come get us.

That Sunday came and we where on our way to Nc together to start a new life together. Everything was fine at first. Then after a couple weeks everything started changing. Larry started staying in the bedroom all day and if he had to make a phone call he’d walk down the road or hide out in the bathroom. That began breaking my heart and it even sent me into a nervous break down. We broke up and ended up working it right back out. He couldn’t find a job here so he wasn’t to happy. He told my aunt he wanted to go back to Dillon Sc and she sent him back. We’ve only been here for a few weeks and I was losing him all over again.

The night of the day he told her he wanted to go back we drove to a bus station and sent him on his way. It tore me to pieces and I felt like I was losing him forever. He asked me to get out the car and I did. He held me in his embrace, and kissed my lips before we departed from each other. I got back in the car I didn’t cry in front of him but as soon I sat in the car closed the door and watched him sit down inside the bus station I lost it and began to cry. I wanted so bad to tell Charlie to stop, but no this is what Larry wanted. He talked to me for a little bit that night told me he loved me and he’d do whatever he had to do to us back in each others arms. I didn’t hear from him often I knew I was losing him and I did cause he sent me an inbox telling me we where both single now. I didn’t cry cause it was no longer worth it. I love him, and apart of me will always love him but I can’t let him hurt me again.

It’s now March 2014. I’m doing much better. Getting my life back in order. My skin has not be cut with a razor blade since December. I have not done any kind of drugs or drinking since July 2013. My life is back to where I’d rather it be. I still live with my aunt, her boyfriend and now his son (Junior). I’m currently dating a brilliant guy. (David Randel Camp) He was in the army, volunteer firefighter, EMT, and now traffic parole officer. He’s sweet and incredible. He’s my hero. Just when I was down in the dumps he comes in and lifts me high again. I have a special bond with him. At night he’ll lay awake just to sing to me. When I look in his eyes everything’s okay again. I wouldn’t have it any other way at the moment..

 

Dear Reader,

I don’t know what you’re going through or where you’ve been in life but I can tell you it can and will get better. There’s alot I didn’t include in this. You may have doubts are you may have just lost a love one. It gets better there is light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve been through alot abuse, rape, drugs, alcoholism, and I lost people who where important to me, people I loved. But here I am now writing this, and my life couldn’t get any better right now. If I could go back in time there’s alot I would change. I don’t have regrets though cause at that very moment it’s exactly what I wanted, even if it wasn’t for the best. Nobody promised life would be easy, but they said it would be worth it. I can agree to that. My lifes getting better everyday.

-Brittany

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