Olympics
Photo credit: cohdra from morguefile.com
So the Olympics are upon us again. Time to pretend as though we give a rat’s fart about track and field events. Time to reel in those underpaid athletes for the obscenely expensive Incredible India commercials. Time for the whole family to sit down and watch TV together for a reason other than Ram Kapoor’s sex scenes in Bade Achhe Lagte Ho. Time for Suresh Kalmadi to get a boner by looking at the construction sites.
Time for us to look at London and exclaim ‘ Kya banaya hai bhai!’ . They stole our fucking money, nahi toh hum bhi bana daalte.
But is it true? Will India ever have the distinction of hosting the Olympics. I mean, Mexico hosted it in 1968 for f**k’s sake! We have more infected, dying dogs on the road between Vashi and Chembur than they have people.
Looking at the not-so-recent-but-still-at-the-back-of-the-head-mainly-because-Kalmadi-is-still-alive Commonwealth Games fiasco, one would think mantle of hosting the Olympics would much sooner fall on Bhutan than us. Have you seen their Queen?! But as much as we prophesize about hosting the Olympics sometime in the next few hundred years, let’s look at some of the roadblocks to hosting it in, say, Bombay ( Delhi people, f**k off. You got first choice on hot women). Here’s a few gems of advice to those naïve athletes :-
At the airport: The first thing you will notice is how our airport is located next to a major slum cluster. While this might give you the impression that we are a poor country and these are meant to emotionally appeal to IMF and World Bank officials handing out loans, these are actually our primary disaster relief centres. Since the Mumbai airport doesn’t have a functioning radar or extra clearance ground on the runways, these people are the only ones who might help you in the event of a plane crash. So don’t be alarmed.
Next, you are also advised to get a tan from a solarium before arriving. Freshly arrived sweaty white people who turn bright pink even if the temperature is only 20 degrees Celsius is what a stuffed turkey is to a Jew in a concentration camp. Getting a tan will also lead to a sharp drop in your cab fare – a 10% drop with every shade you grow darker. Unless, of course, you’re African.
Crime and stray animals: Along with not being allowed to click their pictures, you are also not allowed to keep bitching about how stray dogs and cattle make Bombay look completely filthy. The way we see it, we treat our stray dogs and cattle much better than most European countries treat their minorities. Just think of these animals as our version of the Roma community in France. Or the Turks in Germany. Our stray animals have much better shelter, food and social security as compared to your minorities. Or if you want to flip the argument, as long as you allow skinheads to walk your streets, we allow stray dogs and cows to walk ours. Whose streets are safer and filthier? You decide.
This leads us to crime in Bombay. In comparison to our dalit cousin Thane, we have a slightly higher crime rate. But still, fewer crimes committed on the general public . However, if you happen to own T-Series or drive around in a Maybach, you can argue the point. You are advised not to go out alone at night and keep a look out for potential rapists on the streets. i.e. men. If you are walking around wearing a chain, be careful of biker gangs ripping it off your neck. That said these are only applicable if you’re white. However, we are confident that since most of you come from countries where getting mugged on the streets, knife crime and no gun control is more prominent, you will be able to fully defend yourself in every situation. Also, unlike Europeans who prefer spiking your drink and making you unconscious first, Indian men like raping you while you’re awake and kicking. Also, Indian men are lazy. So after Guwahati, we may have to wait a while for the next major molestation incident. But what’s the point of being an athlete if you can’t even outrun some poor Indian men on the streets?
Thus, rest assured that your stay in Mumbai will be completely safe.
Delicious food: There is no such thing as medium spicy. Get over it. Cheese means paneer. The same way we don’t complain about how British food is absolutely tasteless, or how most of the African countries even seem to have any food at all – the same way we expect you to eat whatever s**t we feed you. If you want European food, look under the “Continental” section in the menu since that is the continent we think we deserve to belong to. You can then eat whatever the hell you want, but don’t crib about how India isn’t as cheap as it was supposed to be cost wise.
Photographic opportunities: As per Olympic guidelines, all white people are forbidden from clicking pictures of the following subjects:
Cows on the streets, stray dogs on the streets, men holding pinkies at the Juhu Chowpati, balloon sellers, beggars, beggars in South Bombay, beggars in New Bombay, beggars at red lights, spelling mistakes on signboards, piles of clothes at Linking Road, random Sikhs in multi-coloured turbans, children holding hands or candles at NGOs, kites stuck in overhead electric cables, in front of temples/gurudwaras of any kind, Heera Panna underground, people shitting while squatting, homeless people on pavements, auto-rickshaws, people hanging out of auto-rickshaws, people on top of buses, people hanging out of buses, buses on fire, Bade Miya, samosas and tea, veiled Muslim woman, veiled Muslim woman looking with intense eyes, Gateway of India, bunch of random pigeons around Gateway of India, holding the Taj hotel from the top, vada pav and tea and vice versa.
These restrictions have been put in place to prevent a glut in supply of the same old cluster f**k photo collection every foreigner seems to go away with from Bombay. If you don’t have the imagination, don’t take a f**king picture.
Things to do: And finally, while we expect you to attend the various “cultural activities” we have in store for you at the Games village (such as Rajasthani Dance, Camel Ride, Snake charming, Bhangra Night with Daler Mehndi and Kathak performances from some state down south) you can go clubbing if accompanied by atleast 5 more athletes. While we realise that it might be flattering to get offered drinks by every man in the club, please do not believe anyone who says they are a Bollywood actor or director. Other people to avoid include model casters for the show Emotional Atyachaar and touts who say they will offer to show you the Elephanta Caves, which is code for their d**k.
And finally, there is no language called “Hindu”. There is no Hindi word for Cheers. You don’t need to carry your entire f**king medicine cabinet with you when you’re here for two weeks. We are not all software engineers. Kashmir is ours. No you cannot attend an Indian wedding no matter how much you want to. It’s not necessary that you will lose weight. No one gives a f**k about Netball.
– With Warm Regards from the S**v Sena Olympic Vibhag
I bet we make a better case this way. Enjoy the Games.
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