Saudade

She stared at the clear blue of the ocean. She’d never known how to swim. In retrospective, who’d teach her anyway. As the fog in her head started to clear, a thought crossed her head. Who’d miss me?

She smiled. And she jumped.

***

“So where’s the party tonight?”, asked Anya as she sat down at the table. The cafeteria was their regular hangout place, at least when they did come to the college.

“Bazarva. It’s DJ night. It’s liquid babe, I’m going to get you hammered tonight. Plus there is some grass if you want”, Karan replied with a wink. Bazarva was known for its rave parties and this was going to be an epic one.

***

The previous night:

Anya

The sounds pierced through her bedroom door.  They were fighting again. It wasn’t that she wasn’t used to it by now. It was just like a dull ache that is ever present. She decided to get her room remodelled to be soundproof. After all her parents were rich and they’d do anything to get rid of the guilt.

 Karan

Her photo stared back at him from the mantelpiece. It had been exactly one month since she had dumped him. I just don’t love you anymore Karan. I’m sorry. I hope we can get past this and be friends. And just like that, she’d left him. All the promises of tomorrow swept away with a gust of wind. He lit his cigarette in her memory and watched the ash fade away into thin air.

Mahita

“Why is there a boy in your display picture? Who is he?!”, her mom demanded to know.

“Ma, he is just a classmate. We were taking a picture of our science group!”, exasperated, she replied.

“Firstly you insisted on not going to an all girls’ college and now you have boys in your display pictures. You better stay in your limits Mahi. I’m warning you. We can take you out of the college any time we want”, her mom said angrily and walked away.

Her mind fluttered but like a bird whose wings were clipped off; she never knew how to fly. It was not that she wanted to skim over steep mountains; she just wanted a breath of fresh air as she flew back to her nest.

Rohan

His father stumbled onto the living room, slurring and smelling of alcohol. His mom went and wiped his mouth and gave him a glass of water. Like most nights, he threw the glass and pushed his mom away. F**king as**ole. He had half a mind to go hit him. He wanted to shake him into his senses and make him realize what a terrible father he was being. He wanted to go tell his mother to take a stand and not be timid anymore. If not for herself, then for his little brother. But he did none of that. Instead he forced himself to turn his attention back to the book. The truth was that his father was in fact funding his education and without that, he’d be left with nothing. He’d never be able to get out of this life and live the way he wanted to.

Riya

She tried on the dress for the twentieth time. It didn’t look any better. It was the only dress she had. She’d already worn it three times. In a college full of rich brats, no one understood the plight of a lower middle class girl. She envied all those who walked around her, showing off their never-ending wardrobes with their wild stories. She felt like she could never fit in.

She tried it on again. Finally, she took it off, cut it short and tried it with a belt. Better, she thought, with a sigh. She wondered if she’d ever be satisfied.

***

Anya and Rohan entered the club and immediately a whiff of alcohol surrounded them. They went to the bartender and ordered their drinks. Keep ‘em coming, they added as an afterthought.  About half an hour later, she started becoming tipsy. Karan told her to stay there till he came back from the washroom. Swaying, Anya staggered into another girl.

“I’m s..so sorry”, she managed to string some words together.

“It’s ok. Do you need some help?”, Mahita replied. But before she could do anything, Anya walked away.

Mahita turned to Riya and said, ”I don’t think I should be here. My mom will kill me if she found out!”. Riya, who was quite impressed by the crowd, soothed her down. “Don’t you want just one night of freedom, where you are not bound by any restrictions?!”. Mahita couldn’t say anything to that.  She did want that freedom but not this way. Her thought process was abruptly stopped by a man frantically searching for someone. He seemed familiar.

“Did you see a thin, fair, dark haired girl in a black dress??”, he was asking around.

“He’s so cute!! He’s in my economy class.”, exclaimed Riya. “Riya! He’s obviously distressed and that’s all you can think of?”, chided Mahita. “Wait, didn’t we just meet the girl he is describing??”, she added as an afterthought.

They both went up to him and told them about their encounter with Anya. He explained to them that she was quite drunk and seeing his despair, they offered to help him find her.

***

Suffocated by the club and the alcohol bubbling in her blood, Anya managed to walk outside to the roof. The view was breath-taking. The club was overlooking the ocean and in the dead dark of the night, the lights added a sublime touch of seduction. As the waves rose rhythmically, she could hear her heart shattering. It was funny how in the room full of people, she felt utterly and completely alone.

Who’d miss me, she thought.

She smiled. And jumped.

Just as she thought she’d be drowned in a pool of abyss, she felt a strong tug and before she realized what was happening, someone pulled her back.

“Are you mad?!”, asked Rohan.

“You don’t know how f**ked up my life is”, she replied and looked away.

He calmly lit a cigarette and said,” Whose isn’t? I work here as a part time event planner just to get away from home. Those few moments when I come here and give myself to the ocean, admiring her beauty, are the only moments when I’m at peace.”

He turned to her and looked square into her eye,” We all are searching for something. We all have our issues. You can give in, it’s your life really. But the thing is, when the frustration dries away and you fight your way through, those moments of peace are completely worth it.”

With that, he took his last drag and returned to his work. Anya reflected on those words as she stared into the dark tumultuous sea, suffused by the soft light. It really did look beautiful. Somehow as the ocean grew more tense, she grew calmer.

“There you are!! I’ve been looking all over for you.”, she heard Karan’s voice behind her.

“Are you ok?”, he asked.

She turned and gave them a half-smile.

“Come here and stand with me”, she said.

As all four stood at that rooftop, each of their hearts began to heal. There is a deep melancholy which is often comforted by sudden moments of clarity. In the chaos of our lives, we drown out our voice of reason. Their wounds didn’t vanish nor did it hurt any less. It was but, still a start.

***

Saudade: is a Portuguese and Galician word that has no direct translation in English. It describes a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing may never return. It is the recollection of feelings, experiences, places or events that once brought excitement, pleasure, well-being, which now triggers the senses and makes one live again. It can be described as an emptiness, like someone or something.

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