Funny Short Story – Sabotage
Photo credit: fmafan5000 from morguefile.com
The thirty-eight pound monster was under a clear plastic sheet held up by a lattice of sticks. The old woman was shaking with the needle poised threateningly in her right hand. She looked towards the house. It was quiet with no signs of wakeful life. She looked at her watch, half past midnight. She jammed the needle into its swollen underside and squeezed in the poison. It wasn’t really poison, only diluted dish soap but she hoped it would have the desired effect. Afterwards, the old woman bolted as if running from the horror of what she had just done. She tore through the gate but it caught her sleeve and slammed against the chain link fence making a clanking, metallic sound.
Inside the house, Dora’s light sleep was rudely invaded by the noise. She slid out of bed without turning the light on and peered through the crack in her curtains. She could make out her back gate swaying slightly but no one was there. However, there was a light on in the house next door. What was that obnoxious Italian woman up to at this hour in Dora’s garden?
The next morning Dora went to her neighbor’s house and rang the bell twice. Maria looked through the peephole and frowned. She opened the door with her best smile on.
“Darling, come in, come in, come in. It’s nice that you come by. There’s a fresh pot of coffee on? I made cookies yesterday too. You know my grandson, he’s coming today.”
“How lovely. Coffee would be great but no cookies for this girl. I’m fighting a losing battle with my bathroom scale and my clothes are starting to be far too snug. I wish I were as slim as you Maria.” She followed her neighbor through the tidy, narrow house and out to the two Adirondack chairs on the shaded back porch. She sat in the closest one as Maria went for the coffee. “Did you hear anything strange last night, around half past twelve?”
“Oh no. I was in bed by then. I don’t stay up late much.” She handed Dora a steaming mug and sat next to her.
“That’s funny. I was woken by this terrible noise and when I looked out the window my gate was moving and I saw a light on in your house. I think there was somebody in my yard. Why are you blushing Maria?”
“There have been some strange happenings in my garden too. Like two days ago I could smell vinegar, down by the anguria.”
Dora’s hand trembled a little and a few drops of coffee spilled from her cup. Maria pretended not to notice. “Vinegar by your watermelon? Well that absolutely makes no sense to me. I tell you that there are some crazy people around here. It’s probably one of those drug addicts from up the street.” She discretely wiped the stray drops of coffee from her hand and took a sip. “How is it doing by the way? Did you go with another Georgia Rattlesnake this year?
“You’ll see tomorrow. My son will be here to give us a hand. He’ll take us over in his truck.”
The next morning was glorious and the farmer’s market at Trout Lake was packed with brightly dressed people. At the edge closest to the lake, the judging was over. Three giant watermelons sat on a reinforced table. The judge raised the microphone.
“In third place, Maria Zen, with a Carolina Cross, thirty-two and a half pounds. In second place, with a Georgia Rattlesnake, Dora Wiggins, thirty-eight pounds. The winner at fifty three and three quarter pounds, with another Carolina Cross, Amelia Wong.
Dora looked over at the winner then leaned over to Maria. “I think we’ll have to pay her a visit next year. What should we use?”
“Well, from the results, I think vinegar definitely works better.”
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