Criminal

“In accordance with the evidences and testimonies put forward by the witnesses, the court convicts Mrs. Nikki Sharma of the murder of Mr. Vijay Mathur, and sentences her to life imprisonment.”

There was her verdict.

At that moment, she could hardly imagine what lay ahead of her. She was still thinking about the “crime” she was found guilty of. The thought numbed her. She was a murderer. She clenched her fists tight, almost digging her nails into the skin of her palm. She tried to steady her breathing but in vain. She looked at her husband. He was standing there with tears in his eyes. But he looked firm and his face spoke of true love and support. Then the guards walked her away.

As she walked through the dark corridors, her heartbeat increased with every step she took and she sweated profusely. She still couldn’t clear out her thoughts. Part of her still felt that it was all in her imagination, that she would soon wake up from it and find herself in the comfort of her home, in the care of her loving husband. Maybe this is all just a dream, she told herself. Just maybe…

They reached her cell and opened her cuffs, and left after bolting the door behind her. She twisted her wrists a little, trying to forget the pain of having to walk with those heavy handcuffs on her thin hands.

She stepped inside the room and sat down at a corner on the cold hard floor. She closed her eyes, trying to collect her thoughts. She asked herself, what was she going to do now? What COULD she do must be the question… She tried to calm down, but the memories invaded her mind like a piercing sword. She felt his horror struck eyes staring at her, wild with rage; she could see the blood pouring out of his heart, down his body and his blood on her saree. She remembered the knife which she held so firmly in her hands. She could see his body get stiff and fall on her helplessly… she remembered the satisfaction, the guilt, the fear…

“Hello there”. Nikki was startled by a voice. “I’m glad you came. Have been feeling lonely.”

It was only then that she realised someone else’s presence in the cell.

“Heard you killed someone?” she asked. Her tone- cool and indifferent. Nikki said nothing, and just brought her feet closer to herself. The other lady somehow scared her. How could she be so cool with someone who has been convicted of murder? In the dark, she couldn’t even make out her face too well; and she seemed unclean. She didn’t smell good, her hair was ruffled and her voice was husky. Nikki wondered if the inmates there bathed regularly. Even the bed-like-thing on her side seemed filthy. She looked around at the room and realised she hated it.

She heard the other woman chuckle. “I’m Devika”, she said, and waited.

“Ni-Nikki”, she stammered out her name.

“Heard you killed someone?” Devika asked again.

Nikki closed her eyes, trying to block away Devika’s voice and the memories it brought. She felt angry, but she realised that the anger had lessened now. She took a deep breath. It had happened eight years ago…

 

“Bye Ma, I’m off!” she could hear her own voice in her mind. She was just a 20-year-old. Like any usual morning, she had left home for college with her friend Luna. While about to cross the road just outside their colony, a car skidded to a halt in front of them. The car itself reeked of alcohol and cigarette smoke, a smell Nikki just hated.

“Let’s move away from this thing”, Nikki had said.

“Sick ba**ards drinking so early in the morning,” Luna had snapped angrily.

“Shhh… Luna, don’t shout!” Nikki panicked. “They’ll hear! It’s best not to get into a quarrel with such people…”

“Don’t be a kitten, Nikki,” said Luna. “These people will never learn unless you give them a good dose of…”

“Luna!” Nikki cut her short. She could see some men staring at her, their drowsy eyes scrolling through her body from head to toe. She immediately felt scared. Men: it’s amazing how they could scare the hell out of a girl with just one dirty look. Even a one- eyed- monster couldn’t do that perhaps. “Let’s just get out of here,” Nikki said.

But before she knew, she felt someone grab her arm and pull her into the car. “Nikki!” she heard Luna shout. They shut the door and sped off. Nikki could see Luna chasing behind the car. Nikki screamed, but no one heard. And even if they did, they didn’t care. The car just speeded away as the drunken men laughed and humiliated her. She didn’t like the way they talked or touched her. She wept and begged them to let her go. But they wouldn’t, and only laughed at her. She was taken deep into a forest, while all the way she sobbed and kept pleading them to set her free. She felt lost and scared, unsure of what lies ahead.

There, the men gathered around her and stripped her. She cried and begged of them not to do it. But all her cries went unheard. She cried even more when they touched her; and then they went inside her, one after another. “Stop it. Don’t do that”, she had screamed in pain. But they didn’t stop. They pinned her down and went on and on… and she lost count of the number of times she was raped.

 

“Well hello!” Devika jerked Nikki by the shoulders. Nikki had almost forgotten where she was. She was sweating and breathing heavily. Long, deep, painful breaths. Devika threw a million questions at her, which Nikki ignored completely. She just tired herself out crying the entire day.

She woke up the next day with a hungry stomach and two sore puffed up eyes.

Devika kept trying to cheer her up, but to no avail. Nikki remained to herself the whole day and refused to interact with anyone. In the process she began to feel even more depressed and frustrated. Even the other inmates began talking about her among themselves. In the mess, she felt people jeering at her, and words like “murderer” and “life sentence” floated around her. She didn’t like it at all. She felt different among all the other inmates, and didn’t want to mix up with them. She just withdrew into her own little shell and became more and more miserable.

“Your husband is here”, said the guard on her third day in jail. Nikki jumped up. The wait had seemed like a forever. Devika grinned, seeding Nikki smile for the first time.

She greeted her husband lovingly. “I missed you so much,” Nikki said. “I don’t like it in here. It’s dirty and the people are so weird. I can’t live like this, Anand. Oh I’m so glad you have come.” She hugged him and rested her head on his chest. It felt like heaven.

“It feels so peaceful now,” she said. “There are so many things I’m yet to tell you, Anand.” But she realised he was hardly listening.

His face had an expression that was unfamiliar to her. “What’s wrong? Anand?” she enquired. He said nothing and showed her some papers. She took them from his hand and gaped at them.

He wanted divorce.

Nikki’s heart almost stopped beating. Time seemed to have slowed…

“I’ve been forced into this, Nikki,” he explained. “My parents wouldn’t accept a daughter-in-law serving life imprisonment”.

Nikki slumped on the floor. Shocked. No sound left her lips. She stared at those papers, as if staring may make him change his mind. But he didn’t look at her. He couldn’t.

“I tried to talk them out of it. I fought them too, have been fighting them all this while, but after yesterday’s verdict…” his voice died. Nikki could but only just stare at her husband; her heart so heavy, it pained. They have been married for two years… he loved her… In spite of her, he had always loved her!

“I… I understand”, she said gently. Tears ran down her face, but she smiled through them. “You are a good person, Anand. And I don’t deserve to have you.” She cried even more as she spoke. “I know I have let you down…”

Anand kneeled down beside her and held her hand. “No, Nikki… You haven’t let me down… You’ll always remain the best person I’ve ever met in my life,” he told her.

Nikki shook her head. “I want you to get married,” she said.

“No way!” Anand said immediately. Nikki was secretly glad on hearing this but she didn’t say so. “Rhea will need a mother,” she said instead. “You can be happy together. Don’t punish yourself or Rhea for what I did.”

“I love you, and I can’t think of another woman.”

“Your family will want it, Anand.”

“I don’t care!” he almost shouted.

She exhaled deeply. “You will.”

Anand looked away and said nothing. His expression was enough to tell her that he knew she was right.

They hugged each other and cried, wiping each other’s tears and talking sweet things. “I love the way your nose turns badly red when you cry,” he teased her. She smiled through her tears and punched his arm, at the same time wondering if she would ever smile again after that day…

Back in her cell, Nikki just couldn’t control her tears. She wailed like a mad woman, hit her fists on the wall and prayed that God might kill her soon. Devika tried to get her relaxed but Nikki seemed impossible. At the end she gave up and just sat staring as Nikki wept away the whole night.

“You see this mark on my forehead?” Nikki suddenly asked. It was in the middle of the night. Nikki’s face showed no emotion. She seemed blank. Almost ‘dead’. Devika felt concerned.

“That man gave me this mark”, Nikki said.

“The man you murdered?” asked Devika.

“Yeah… He had raped me eight years ago. He, along with the rest of his gang.”

Devika’s eyes widened when she heard that.

Nikki continued. “Ever since that day, I haven’t been at peace. Every time I look into the mirror and I see this mark on my face, all the horrible memories come back to me. I die every day, just by seeing this! I feel angry. Very very angry… Angry enough to murder the man who gave me this mark. And that day, when I suddenly spotted that man on the road, I couldn’t cage my anger. I picked up the knife, went straight up to him and stabbed his heart.”

Devika swallowed, unable to utter a word for some time.

“You shouldn’t have!” Devika said. “You…”

But Nikki was in no mood to listen. “Do you know how it feels, Devika?” she said. “Have you ever been raped?”

Devika shook her head. “Did you complain to the police?” she asked.

Nikki sighed, tears collecting in her eyes again. Perhaps the torture by the police after the rape was more severe than the rape itself…

“Who raped you?” the police officer had asked, eyeing her scornfully. With the little left energy and courage in her, Nikki had gone up to the police station with Luna, to lodge a complaint against her rapists. Luna was extremely angry, and Nikki had to make her promise that she wouldn’t lose her temper at the police station.

“I don’t know who they were, but I know their faces,” Nikki had replied politely, ignoring the way he looked at her body.

“Who were you with on that morning?”

“With a friend…”

“Boyfriend?” he asked immediately.

“No! I was with a girl.”

“She was with me,” Luna said. “Why are you asking stupid questions?”

He didn’t reply to her. Instead he asked, “What were you wearing that morning?”

“Why are you asking me this question?”

“They picked you and not your friend, madamji. What charm did you have that your friend didn’t?”

“Charm?”

“Excuse me!” Luna banged her fist on the table.

“Okay forget it. Do you have many lovers?”

“Why should that matter?” Nikki felt her own anger rise.

“Keep your voice in check, madamji… You young girls flirt around and have sex with so many boys. You walk on the roads showing off your bare legs and cleavage. How do we understand if it was a rape or if you had asked for it…”

Luna couldn’t take it anymore. She stood up and slapped the man right across his face. He gaped at her. Dumbstruck.

“I’ve every right to wear short clothes, and I’ve every right to have sex with whoever I want! It’s my life, my body, my vagina! But when someone forces it on me, it’s a crime! And it doesn’t matter how many lovers I have or what I was wearing on that day! It’s still a crime!”

“Nikki, don’t cry,” Devika tried to console her. “Stop crying …”

Nikki sniffed and tried to gather herself together. When she found her voice again, she spoke, “The only good thing about my life has been Anand. He loved me, in spite of my past, in spite of the objections from his family. I found the truest love in this bond, and I must say any girl would feel lucky to have him as a husband.”

Devika put an arm around her. She didn’t know what to say… Nikki continued- “We have been married for two years, you know. And till now, he never touched me. I couldn’t let him. I couldn’t let any man touch me since that incident. I was always so scared… every time a man talked to me, or even just stood near me, I was just so scared. And Anand has always been like a best friend. Always there to make me smile and never leaving me alone. Always taking care of my sudden outburst of emotions, and all my idiotic mood swings … gosh I have let him down…”

“But you have a daughter, don’t you?” Devika asked, and immediately regretted having interrupted her in between.

Nikki sighed. “She’s adopted.”

Devika closed her eyes and looked away. She had to try hard to not cry.

“If I have to live my life in fear, bowing down my head to everyone and not having the freedom to speak my mind or do what I want to, trust me, I would rather be dead,” Nikki said. Her voice was slightly more than a whisper. “I’m not much of a feminist, Devika. But when I see the kind of treatment the world has meted out to us, I feel no zest to live anymore. How can they fail to understand that we are humans too, only of the other sex? Without women, humankind wouldn’t even exist…”

“Nikki Sharma?” the guard suddenly called out roughly. Nikki stood up.

“Your husband is here,” she said.

“My… my husband?”

“Who else were you expecting? Your lovers?” she spat. Nikki didn’t mind her rude words. She rushed out of the cell at once, too excited to control her smile or her steps.

Yes, he was there. And with him, holding his hand was Rhea!

Anand smiled at her lovingly. “She tore the divorce papers and used them to make paper boats,” he said and grinned.

Rhea cackled delightedly. “I sailed them on the pond too…” she said. “They looked cute. How are you mommy?”

Nikki could say nothing, overwhelmed by so many emotions. Anand held her hand between his. “They asked me to choose one between you and my parents,” he spoke with conviction. “I chose courage.”

“Anand… you shouldn’t…”

“If I leave you today, Nikki, I will never be able to look into my daughter’s eyes… I’ll never be able to face her, or myself. I’m with you. And I’m very proud to call you my wife… more proud than ever.” His moist eyes reflected the honesty in his heart. They stood there, holding hands and speaking nothing for a long time.

Nikki’s face glowed with pride and happiness. She held her head high and looked at the other people around her. She felt proud. They may call her a “criminal” today, but she didn’t mind. She wasn’t, anymore, one of the million girls who get raped daily around the globe and their screams go unheard. She had made a difference. And sooner or later, at the end of our lives, that’s what really matters…

__END__