Cold.
That was all that Ally felt as she stood over her mother’s grave, staring into an abyss of nothingness. Completely numb to everything. The gloomy surroundings swallowed her whole. She couldn’t think straight, couldn’t feel her own clammy hands as they shakily laid the flowers near the gravestone. Not a single tear slipped down her cheek. She stared for a second longer, and turned to leave. She had blocked out all of the hurt, all the pain. It was easier this way. Not letting any emotion get to her was the best way to go about things, she had finally decided. She walked silently to her car and got inside. The engine came to life with a low rumble, and she stared ahead. Making her way out of the graveyard and onto the main road, she went towards home.
Home, she thought to herself, almost laughing at the word.
Could it even be called that anymore? A slight wave of fear ran up her spine as she began to get closer to her house. By now, she should have been used to her husband’s vile behavior towards her. For some reason, she never was. The panic would always be there, rising in her gut. She wished so badly that she could get rid of it.
She pulled into the driveway, praying he wasn’t home. Quietly hoping that if he was, that he would at least be sober.
If only her prayers had been answered.
She found him, a beer in his left hand, the TV remote in his right. Passed out, on the couch, slightly drooling. She closed the door as silently as she could manage. The place was so small that she feared she would easily wake him at any moment. Holding her breath, she crossed the unclean living room on her tiptoes, taking in the matted sofas and peeling paint on the walls. Biting her lip so hard that it began to bleed.
She turned the corner into her room, and as she opened her door, it creaked loudly. She froze mid-step. There was no sound, and she let out the breath she’d been holding. Continuing into her room, she did not want to take the chances of the door making a noise again and left it open. She jumped when she heard a startling crash.
Her husband’s voice came loud and clear, with a long string of curse words followed by her name. Trying with all of her might not to be afraid, she went hesitantly back into the living room as told. Unlike a few mere seconds ago, glass was lying all over the floor, the contents of the beer bottle everywhere. She followed her husband’s harsh orders and began to clean everything up with her bare hands. She started gathering the pieces of glass into a pile, one by one, avoiding all eye contact as he yelled at her to move faster. She listened, and quickened her pace. She did her best to ignore him as a screamed at her from the top of his lungs, blaming it all on her. It was always her fault. It always would be.
She gasped in surprise and pain as she was forcefully tugged off of the cold ground by her hair.
“Look at me,” he growled menacingly, lifting her chin up as she forced herself to make no noise from the pain she felt in her scalp. These were the first words he had spoken that she had truly paid attention to. She obeyed, and looked at him. She tried hard to hold her gaze steady, pushing tears back. His black eyes sent chills through her body. He dropped her onto the pile of glass she had created, landing hands-first onto the shards. She let out a small cry of pain as she began to pick out the glass from her now bloody hands, letting the first tear fall to the floor without permission. He continued to yell at her, telling her how it was her fault that the bills weren’t paid. Her fault that he had to punish her this way. Her fault that her own mother was dead.
The final comment he made cracked her heart the way one cracks a peanut shell open, piece by piece. She cried. It came like a flood, and there was no stopping it anymore. No more holding back. She let everything pour out of her as she curled her torn up hands into her lap and bowed her head. Makeup ran in black streaks down her face, and he grabbed her shoulder and turned her body towards him. She didn’t look at him as tears kept coming down, and he slapped her hard. She clenched her jaw tight, and he left her there, broken and messy. Unable to be fixed by anyone. She was in ruins.
She heard the front door slam shut, and she didn’t know how long she’d sat there when she finally stood up. Maybe an hour, maybe four. She didn’t really care. He was gone, and that was what mattered. But she knew he’d be back.
In a flash, she ran to her room and packed all of her things. She wanted nothing left behind. She wanted absolutely no memories of her ever being here. She didn’t have much, luckily, and had everything packed in a small duffel bag in less than thirty minutes. Turning to make sure she had left nothing behind, she caught her reflection in the mirror and was surprised at what she saw. She remembered once, that she had been beautiful and lively, filled with nothing but joy. She did not recognize herself anymore, and she hadn’t in a very long time. Who was she now? And who would she become?
She didn’t know the answer. She didn’t bother wiping the black lines from her mascara away, and she saw her own tired eyes and the new creases in her face that hadn’t been there before. Not bearing to look any longer, she grabbed her bag and headed out to her car. The car wasn’t gone when she got outside, and she wondered, slightly concerned, where her husband had gone off to. With the keys in hand, she threw her stuff into the passenger’s seat and started the car.
She drove. She knew her exact destination, and there was a strange feeling filling her mind. At first, she couldn’t describe it. It was a sensation she hadn’t felt in so long, that she no longer knew what it was. Whatever it was, it made her smile. She giggled like a mad woman, and picked up her speed. She was close. So close she could almost taste it. What was it, she still didn’t know. She was determined to find out. She took in the greenery surrounding her, all of the birds chirping and trees swaying as she passed by. She let herself think, for a quick second, that maybe everything was finally right in the world. Everything would be okay. This made her laugh even harder, and she smiled even brighter. It was the first time in what seemed like forever to her that she had smiled genuinely. She rolled down her windows and felt the breeze, allowed herself to breathe in a fresh breath of pine and oak. Closing her eyes briefly, she continued smiling, then opened her eyes.
It wasn’t until she had driven herself over the edge of the cliff that she realized what she had finally felt; freedom.
–END–
