I was surrounded by people , but it was as if I was invisible.
You grow up thinking the world is your place to be free. That nothing bad can ever happen. You realize in a short amount of time that those around you, are monsters. Sticks and stones may break your bones but words can never hurt. Were you ever told that rhyme? Because let me tell you something when everyday you wake up to hear your worth nothing. You believe it. They beat you down with their words then you’re told to get over it. Like its that’s easy. It’s not. You’re stupid , you’re nothing, just die, you really think your parents love you? You’re ugly . When every time you feel like it’s a good day, people make you feel like nothing. Like your the scum of the earth. They bring you down to far , they take the only thing you have . Hope . And they crush it.
I grew up learning to be alone. It was the first thing I was taught. How to be ok with being alone. It’s possibly the saddest feeling. Knowing you need to learn to be ok with being alone. I was always the last picked for games or to be on a team. I grew up thinking no one would love me. That I was never good enough for anyone. I tried. I really did , I wanted to be wanted by people.
I never had a best friend or someone to talk to. My parents were never there, whenever I was sad or hurt I was told to get over it. But how do you get over something that happens everyday. But every time I rebuild my hope it was gone all over again. Adults think that you can handle it alone.Can you though?
Each day I got up , I sat alone, I ate alone, I did everything alone. No one talked to me and when they did , I was told how ugly I was, how no one liked me. The one time I had a ‘best friend’ she invited me over and I really thought I had a friend that finally someone liked me. She beat me in front of all her friend and tied me up, and they left me. You don’t know how that felt. You don’t know what I went through.
People then told me I was the bad person for being upset about it. Like I was supposed to be okay with that. The first person who wanted to be my friend and that happened. Then people had the fu##ing will to tell me to get over it. Because I don’t know how you come back from that. When you have to move each year since kindergarten for being bullied then you have no right to tell me to get over it.
When the only thing that knows how truly sad you are is you pillow from catching your tears, each night.
You realize how alone you are. Finally when a child breaks and kills them self , you blame them. How could you blame someone who was brought up innocent and pure. If someone felt like death was the answer to make the pain stop. Then how? How could you still blame them. When all I wanted was someone to be there. Someone to make my stormy day a sunny one. To make me feel like there was hope.
All I needed was hope. All I was given was hate.
Sometimes Kids Break.
You blame them.
I blame society.