DELIRIUM

“Honey! Come down. Dinner’s ready” Kayla’s mother called her.

Kayla was upstairs in her room frantically searching for a reason to not go eat. Three days, she thought, it had been three fricking days since she last ate properly. But that’s all right,it’s all a-okay. It’s just a diet, nothing more and nothing less.

She had started to put on weight last year, she needed to shed it. Shed it quickly. Her mother and all her friends thought so too. With all the exercise and dieting she has been doing she has to had lost a few kilograms.

“Kayla, come down” her mother ordered.

Kayla pulled on a sweater (March was just beginning but still) and cursed as she saw her reflection in the mirror. You look fat. Look, look at the cloth sticking to your thick skin. She closed the door and trudged downstairs. She walked towards the dining room and stepped inside. Her father,mother and sister were already seated. She gave a small smile as she caught her mother’s eye. “What’s for dinner?” she asked.

“Your favourite. Burger. I know how hard you’ve been trying to loose weight, so we are having a cheat meal.” answered her mother with a beaming smile. Oh no. Kayla’s mind started running circles in panic. Sweat dripped from her forehead. Her stomach clenched painfully smelling the grilled food and she kicked herself mentally. Burger- that’s like what? A straight 295 calories. No, no. She’s been doing so well. Her stomach growled but she ignored it.

“Kayla…..”her father asked “Are you alright? You look a little pale and yellow”

Great. Now I’m fat and ugly. “Yeah just a tough day at school. That’s all. Coming to the burger…..Yum” She said sporting her best fake smile. Satisfied with her answer her family got back to dinner table talk. Kayla remained quite. She had always been talkative but right now she was busy thinking ways to forego eating. She didn’t want to gain more weight. No more weight. The meal was put down in front of her. She wanted to both gorge and puke at it. The pain in her stomach had now become uncontrollable. Kayla looked at her sister who was smacking her lips in appreciation. Of course, she can eat this delicious food after all she is thin. Thin and tall and beautiful just how everyone wanted her to be like.

Kayla stared at her food for a long time each passing minute making it worse for her to even take a bite. Then finally her sister probed her-“Eat. This is for you, couch potato.” Her eyes twinkled while she said this.

Couch potato, that was Kayla’s nickname. The words pierced her heart more than she let on. There was no escaping dinner with her family right there at the table. She nodded, picked the burger up and dug in. She took a bite and swallowed without chewing. The pain lessened but her distress increased. I shouldn’t. I shouldn’t. But she couldn’t help it. Lunches and breakfasts were easier to get out of but not eight o’clock meals. Not with everyone home.

They all finished.

“Kayla dear, can you please make the breakfast tomorrow. It’s a holiday so I’d like to sleep in.” said her mother. Kayla quickly agreed and rushed to her room, she locked the room’s door behind her and threw open the closet, she got out her weighing scale, the one she bought with her pocket-money, the one her parents didn’t know about. She closed her eyes and silently prayed. She got on the scale and measured herself.

-50kgs-

Kayla flopped down to the floor. This……No………impossible. She went from 48 to 50. No……how could this happen. She had to reduce not gain. She thought about her dinner and suddenly she wanted to purge. She got up and ran into the washroom. She sunk to the floor near her commode and put her two shaking fingers down her throat, adjusted them and then tickled. As soon as she felt the food coming up, she retracted them, stuck her head out and emptied her stomach. Her eyes her flooded with tears because of the pain but..but she felt light, felt better. She pushed herself to her feet, stripped and looked in the mirror. Stomach’s hanging, she thought. She dug her nails into her milky skin making red marks appear and then pulled and stretched. She did so a few times before she glanced at her face. The remnants of her vomit her stuck in the corner of her mouth, her cheeks were red and her eyes swollen. She looked down and suddenly she felt horrible,hateful.

“I’m disgusting” she whispered “I’m ugly. I’m fat. Everyone hates me. I’m disgusting” She pulled on her clothes again, loose clothes so as to hide her fat. She washed her face and curled up on her bed. It wasn’t long before she was shivering. Right…..I’m hideous and the weather’s cold. God hates me. She pulled the covers and tried to sleep. Failing miserable.

Kayla couldn’t sleep for long hours. She got up at six in the morning. The cold winds blowing at night hadn’t helped her case. At first she thought the windows might have been left open but after checking she found they were tightly shut. She shrugged and lay in bed trying desperately to think of anything other than “weight”.

Exercise. She remembered. She got up threw on some loose-fitting clothes appropriate for jogging, crept outside the house and went for a quick round around the neighbourhood. She jogged for thirty minutes after which she ran out of breath. HA! She thought, you are fat and humongous yet you don’t even have the stamina to match Lily (sister). She kept talking to herself condescendingly much during the time she reached home and started preparing breakfast. She made the lot. Eggs, pancakes, fruit juice, French toast…. She hated the smell the food was giving but she bared it. Her insides twisting and turning waiting to be fed but never getting the satisfaction. When her family came downstairs they applauded her effort. She smiled. Her mind although, thought bitterly-They are just happy that I didn’t eat the food before serving. She was going outside the room slipping into her own when her sister asked in concern-“Don’t you want to eat?”

Lily was worried, knowing something was not right with Kayla, but to the latter it just seemed like a joke, a joke made at her expense. “No thanks, I already ate. Was hungry” she lied through her teeth. Without waiting for an answer she walked away.

Kayla proceeded to skip lunch saying she wasn’t hungry and later at night when her family decided to go out she pretended to be sick and stayed back promising to make herself something, she never made good on that promise.

“If I have to thin down, then I have to control my urges” she said aloud while laying in bed trying to catch up on some sleep. She pulled on the sheets as she started to feel the cold again and drifted off happy. Very happy. Too happy.

This must be what being high feels like.

 

It has been two months since Kayla began her “diet regime”. She basically lives off of energy drinks and bars. She doesn’t eat with her family excusing herself due to huge amounts of homework. She gives away her tiffin to her friends saying she had a big breakfast.

Reality never has. No one notices her missing that meal since her family’s too busy getting ready. The once in a while she absolutely has to eat in front of them she makes up by purging it all out in the washroom and then having a dopey smile on her face for the rest of the day.

She throws away all her skin-tight clothes and dresses and fills her wardrobe with extra-large materials, which hide her insecurities.

Yes, she does break down sometimes, black out but that may just be teenage hormones. Also that’s only happened like five times. Yes, she does feel cold at night more times than often, she has frequent mood swings, she has started avoiding her friends but all that is worth losing weight. Besides the last one isn’t her fault. All she can think about around her friends is how thin they are , how fat she is, how they make fun of her behind her back, they must, they have to, they must. She’s tired.

The last log written in her weight diary is of 21st May-38kgs. Today was the 2nd of June. She would have to measure herself again. She is almost reaching her goal of 30kgs maybe then she could go lower. She does more exercise, micro-exercise even. It does exhaust her but it’s fine. It’s alright. It’s fine.

 

RINGGGGGGGG!!!

The bell goes of for lunch break, Kayla’s best friend Mark makes his way towards her -“Hi” . She nods. Her throat is a little itchy from the washroom visit yesterday. She bent down and taking her tiffin out, hands to Mark silently. He looks at it hungrily. “Next period’s physical. I heard that there is a surprise check-up today.”As soon as the words left his mouth Kayla’s head snapped to look at him. “No” she croaked.

“Kayla, you all right? Your voice…it’s off.”

“No. No. No. No” she repeated. She pushed her desk aside and ran out in the direction of the girls restroom leaving behind a slightly confused Mark. She occupies one cubicle and sinks to the floor. She put her finger down her throat wishing for something to come out but nothing does. She hasn’t eaten since morning. She waits and pulls her fingers out. Coughing and coughing and then just sits and stares into space thinking for a way out.

I’ll say I’m sick she decides finally. Yes I will. Yes I will. I have to get out of it.

She goes with Mark and another one of best friends, Katie to the school nurse’s office, next period. “Ma’am” Kayla says her voice sounding wrecked. “I’m not well, want to go home”

Now had it been any other nurse they would have believed Kayla, she had that sort of reputation but this particular nurse cared for children more than anyone. She also had known Kayla since she was a kid.

“Darling, sit down. Let me take your temperature” said the nurse kindly.

Kayla resisted “That’s not necessary”

But the nurse wasn’t one to let go, after her persistent efforts Kayla sat down and held the thermometer in between her tongue.

“Nothing’s wrong” said the nurse after measuring.

“It’s a headache” Kayla lied. Unfortunately for her the lie came to late. The nurse was a perceptive lady. She could see her patient getting more and more uncomfortable by the second.

She had to get to the bottom of this.

“Maybe it’s because she hasn’t had her lunch” Mark suggests out of the blue. Now, why did you say that?

“No tiffin?” the nurse questions “No” Kayla answers

“Breakfast?”

“Yes” comes the answer almost immediately

“Kayla!” It’s a warning

A pause and then “No” Kayla says meekly.

The nurse glances at Mark, he looks guilty, he mustn’t have known. But why though. Why would Kayla lie about something so trivial. She gets out her own lunch and presents it to the student in front. “Eat”

Kayla visibly gulps. She mutters something.

“Sorry?”

Silence

“Kayla, speak up!”

“Calories….. How many calories?” comes the broken voice

“I don’t know. Too many” the nurse jokes looking at her oily food.

Kayla’s eyes bug out. No..she says to herself mentally. I’ll eat to please and then follow my daily routine. It shouldn’t be hard. So she eats a bite of the food and swallows instantly.

“Kay. Chew.” reminds Katie.

I know. Kayla thinks hopelessly. I just don’t want to chew. Don’t want to taste. Don’t want to eat. But if I don’t then you will know. You will judge. You won’t accept me. Thoughts were running wild in her head as she stuffed herself. One bite, another one and another. Her throat filled with food. Kayla was behaving frenized.The faces of the people around her were morphing. And seeing them she finally broke, she fell and fell hard and she broke. She couldn’t. Not anymore. She wanted to be beautiful. Wanted to be happy. Wanted to be thin , like the others. She couldn’t handle this. Couldn’t play this game anymore. Hide anymore. So she stopped.

“Sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry” she screamed as loudly as she could. Tears were streaming down her face. “I can’t” and with the horrified expressions of Mark and Katie burning in her eyes, Kayla stuck her fingers down her mouth for the second time. It’s easy. This is soo much easier. The food comes out quickly. She empties all over the floor. And then she sees it. The tears stop momentarily due to shock. Blood….red blood…her blood…….thick liquid blood. No, this had never happened. She used to be fine. She is fine so why is there blood??? Why…why?

She chokes still puking blood a lot of it now. She’s screaming for help. Her lungs are burning. She feels like she’s dying. Is her heart still beating? Her stomach is clenched and seems as if someone stabbed her there. Her vision is failing, going black. Then she faints, pulse weaking by the second.

 

Kayla blinks her eyes open. White walls, red marks, tubes. She’s in a hospital? She wakes up and there are tubes. So many tubes inserted into her body. “What?” she starts and then shuts up her throat hurts. A lot. Blood, she remembers. She blinks again the faces of her family comes into focus. Her father’s lifeless, she mother’s crying and her sister’s botched face.

“Baby. Oh my baby! Why? I’m so sorry. I’m sorry. I should have been better….” her mother is crying like a kid.

Her father calls a man in a white coat. His voice is low, dead letting no emotion show. The man, who enters, checks her vitals. Yep. Kayla’s in a hospital. She awaits the doctor to give his analysis. Although it’s weird she’s here, she doesn’t belong here.

“Kayla Meadows you are diagnosed with anorexia. Self-imposed starvation.”

Before Kayla can protest the man continues

“There is no one who can testify that you have been eating. You puke out all your food and the blood that was because you scratched the inside of your throat. Moreover your weight which should be 52 is 31 kgs. This is very serious. It also is the reason you feel cold. No mass on your body. Oh! I presume that you do? Get cold, I mean.” he questions

Kayla nods hesitantly “But the weather?” she tries

“Honey, it’s 42°C outside” her father says cautiously.

Kayla’s mind fills with dread. Is she sick? Of course not. How could she be? It’s only a diet. Isn’t it? Yes it is . These people are just making fun of her, together. How can they be so cruel?

The doctor hands her two photos, one was taken a year back while the other must have been taken while she was unconscious, since Kayla didn’t like her pictures taken due to her chubby cheeks.

The first picture shows a lively Kayla while the other shows a near to dead one. Her thoughts still.

“We have to run some tests to see if any of your organs are damaged. Your lungs are. You stopped breathing back at school. They could have collapsed.” the doctor points to a tube “We are feeding you food carefully in the right amount since your digestive system has been rendered useless due to inactivity. It’ll take some time to return to original condition. You will be under observation all the time.”

He drones on in his monotonous voice about how he thinks rehab is a good idea, but Kayla can’t be bothered to listen. She just closes her eyes and leans back. How did it become so bad? She stopped breathing? Why was this happening to her? She wants to be accepted, be like the others. Is that too much to ask? God is bad, everyone is lying. Or are they?

A single tear slips her and she is left thinking what went wrong? Is it even wrong? She’s confused and lost with no one left to find her.

–END–