Ma Chérie Nikita

Blood stems from her neck, moving up and colouring her long gorgeous dark hair and it spreads on the white marble tile floor.

The floor is cold but her blood is warm. Her eyes are still as beautiful as they were, when she was alive, soft brown honey coloured eyes, they still make me weak in the pit of my stomach but they can’t persuade me anymore. Her Lips, her gorgeous bow shaped lips, now slightly parted form that O of surprise. I am sure they taste as great as she always smelled, like fresh water lilies. I never got to taste them. I now feel something that I never knew was possible, a sense of acute peace and a sense of acute loss. My name is Tania and I have just killed Nikita. I killed the only person I loved and who loved me back, well I don’t know about loved me back but she was always there for me, well almost always. The only one who was there in any case. Now I have killed her.

My association with Nikita goes a long way back, into my childhood. I think I first met her when I was 11. I still remember our first meeting; she walked towards me when I was crying near the swing porch. I was staring at the dirt strewn damp playground, clutching my stomach in pain and I suddenly breathed in this beautiful smell of water lilies, my favourite flower, the smell was very near. I have always loved Lilies, I think they represent purity. I think they represent my core which is untouched and pure, the rest of me is however impure. I heard my grandmother tell my aunt when I was little, that a girl becomes impure once she lets a man touch her, a certain way. I didn’t let anyone touch me but I didn’t prevent it either.

I didn’t prevent Uncle from touching me and when he did, I knew what Grandma meant by the “certain way”. I stood there still like a rock. I remember his words in my ears like they were yesterday- “Baby, you are beautiful”. He was lying, I knew, I wasn’t beautiful. Mama had told me so, over and over, I was dark and ugly but I liked the lie my uncle told, maybe that’s why I kept quiet, I didn’t tell him to stop although I didn’t like it. So he did it every day, when Mama was away grocery shopping. After awhile he did more than just touch, whispering over and over “Baby you are beautiful”. There Mama, I used to think, I am beautiful. It hurt too much and I felt dirty and impure just like my grandmother had said and I hated every bit of what he was doing but I still wouldn’t say a word, to him or to Mama.

I liked being beautiful even temporarily. I met Nikita when I was having a rare bout of tears, I hardly cried, but that day I don’t remember why I did, maybe it was the physical pain which had just started. My stomach cramps, which wouldn’t stop were making me double over with pain. The smell of lilies came from her; I looked up and saw the most beautiful girl I had ever set my eyes on. She wore a frilly white dress with a beautiful pink bow, she was dainty and beautiful and she even walked gracefully, I was the opposite- big and clumsy and I couldn’t wear frocks because Mama said I looked hideous in them but she just looked just like an angel from heaven and she smiled at me. I thought my world would never stop spinning the first time I saw her smile.

“Hi, would you like to play with me?” she asked.

“Er what?”

She went into a fit of giggles “Are you simple?”

“Don’t call me that” “I don’t want to play with you” I was irritated

“Suit yourself” She flashed one mischievous grin and turned to leave. My world nearly span again and before I could stop myself I screamed “Wait”.

She halted and turned, still smiling “I knew you’d want to play”.

I learnt that she had just moved into the neighbourhood, this explained the packers and movers in our colony yesterday. She held my hand and said “Let’s do something fun and wild, lets climb the tallest tree in the garden” I wasn’t a climber, but she made me one, I shall never forget that evening, we laughed and giggled and sang silly songs sitting on a branch on top of a peepal tree. I was bruised all over from climbing the tree, but I didn’t mind it. My stomach pain and my worries had receded. I wanted to stay there with her always.

It was not until late evening that my mother sent the maid to look for me and she found me on top of that tree and dragged me home, Nikita ran away to hers. I received a trashing like never before. But that day I didn’t mind any trashing I received, I finally had made a friend. I had someone to look forward to.

Our friendship grew, we met every day, she told me her secrets and I told her mine, all except the one with my uncle, it wasn’t time to tell her that yet. My Mama was happy I was occupied and out of her hair mostly. Once she came home when Mama was away, it was raining like crazy; she said we must play the game of ‘trust’. She was always telling me what we should be playing and I could never say no to her, she had such a hold over me, I think I was in love with her although I didn’t know it then.

“What’s this game of trust?” I cautiously asked.

“Well, we do things that the other asks us to do without hesitation and say ‘I trust you forever’ while doing it”.

“ok” I whispered.

She was pleased, as she always was when I agreed easily and graciously said, “You go first”

“ Ok” I said “go out for a walk in the downpour”.

Without hesitating even for a second, she whispered “I trust you forever” in my ear and ran out, I screamed saying I was kidding, but she didn’t stop, she came back after 10 minutes, completely drenched, looking even more beautiful than ever if that was possible. “My turn” she said, “Ok, what should I do?”

“Write my name with your blood on this sheet” she said.

“Hhhow….?” I muttered, she ran down and fetched the sharpest knife she could find from the kitchen. “Use this and make a cut on your left arm”

I took one look at her beautiful face, whispered “I trust you” in her ear and made the cut. I dipped my right finger in the blood that was gushing out and started writing her name, I think she was very touched, she took me and laid me on my bed and laid down next to me, staring into my eyes. Her eyes were hypnotic, I felt safe and warm, I was growing sleepy and tired and she was smiling at me.

My Mama discovered us there and Nikita ran away as soon as she saw my mum, the next thing I remember is waking up in a white room with green curtains and with a needle in my arm. I was there in the hospital for 3 days, when I came back. The few months of summer that I didn’t meet her were torture; thankfully my uncle was out of town too. School started in June and I saw her again in our bus. My Mama had warned me to keep out of trouble and trouble to me was now Nikita. So I ignored her even though she tried to smile at me.

We were both entering high school, unlike me however, she was very popular. Whenever I saw her, she was with a big group of friends, she would look at me and sometimes smile or wink. I moved away. My uncle came back a few months later and forced himself on me again. “Baby, you are beautiful” somehow these words weren’t appealing in the least this time. I wanted to get out of it. I needed to talk to someone. Not Mama, a friend, I needed to ask her what to do.

I walked up to her hesitatingly in school one day; she smiled and said “Hi!” Like nothing had happened, we talked and before I knew it, I told her everything. I asked her “how do I stop it?” she said the two of us should confront my uncle directly that evening, she said, she would come with me and hold my hand while I told him that I would tell Mama, if he didn’t stop. I felt braver.

That evening we went home together, my uncle was surprised seeing her with me, but he eyed her too, the same way he eyed me, he pushed me aside and grabbed her. I think I saw red, the two of us together hit, bit and scratched him, but he seemed to enjoy it. Nikita then grabbed a vase from the table nearby and swung it on his head, blood poured out and he dropped down, she looked at me with fear and pleading at what she had done. That’s the first time I had seen her afraid of something. We both stood there watching the blood drop and then she ran away leaving me alone to face it all alone. What happened next was like a dream, I remember mama walking in, looking at the sight, screaming, slapping me hard, and calling some people via the telephone. Uncle was taken in a big jeep with a siren somewhere and I was back again in that hospital.

They asked me all kinds of questions about what uncle did and I answered without any emotion, their horrified expressions were actually amusing sometimes. I learnt later that Uncle was not dead but he was leaving somewhere far and I had to go talk to a nice lady everyday for awhile and then once a week- my therapist, because they said I had gone through “trauma” and was “hallucinating”.

I didn’t tell Mama about Nikita being with me that day because Mama would have gotten angrier, I only told my nice lady therapist later. Besides I had decided not to be friends with Nikita, she had broken ‘trust’ and run away and left me alone every time someone came. I saw her in school after a week, she begged me and said sorry, but I wasn’t listening. For one whole month she met me all over school and said sorry, I never gave in, she grew tired and started hanging out with other friends and I was alone. She was a popular girl. In the next few years, her popularity in school just grew, I was a nobody, but she was a hit.

One day I saw her coming out from behind a tree in the school garden, her uniform disheveled; she was wearing lipstick that was smeared and she was giggling, a boy followed her and was laughing too. Seeing her like that, flickered something in me and I wanted to talk to her again, I guess I was jealous. Next day I mustered courage to go talk to her, she smiled and seemed so happy that I felt happy too. We became friends yet again.

Many months passed we rode the bus together, giggling at the back, needing nobody else. She got me into lots of trouble, once I nearly drowned in the pool because of her, but she always held my hand and didn’t break my trust, so we remained close. My love for her grew; I was ready to do anything to keep the smile on her face. It was our final year in school.

One day, after school, she called me to the gardens, that’s the first time in long she and I had been alone that year, she had smuggled a flask of milk mixed with weed that she got from her friend, I was hesitant, but she brought her mouth too close to my ears and whispered “trust me” the smell of lilies was over powering and my heart was pounding in my chest, I drank it without second thought. A few hours later, a teacher woke me up and as usual she had disappeared, she never confessed it was she who made me drink it. The teacher reported me to the principal and Mama had to come to school to talk to him. I received a trashing again, even though Mama had said that I was older and I would never be beaten, she did it again. I decided that night that I’ll not talk to Nikita ever again, she didn’t deserve my trust and she only got me in trouble all the time. I ignored her the last few months of school.

After that I went to college and she went to a different one, I only met her once in awhile, after I finished all those uneventful years at college, I got a job as a secretary and I was passing more uneventful years at work. I still stayed with Mama, she was old and I was taking care of her. My life was only between going to work and taking care of Mama and meeting my nice lady therapist, that is, till today morning.

Today morning the bell rang and I saw her standing at our doorstep; Mama was not home, she was visiting a relative in a nearby city. And there Nikita was, standing at our door, I was very angry when I saw her, but I couldn’t help but wonder at how beautiful she still was, she smiled and asked if she could come in, and I said No, and I was about to slam the door, when the phone buzzed, I ran in and picked it up, forgetting her there, my aunt was sobbing on the phone and she said Mama had a heart attack and had died, the world swam out of focus and I collapsed. Nikita was there immediately, holding me, putting my head on her lap, stroking my hair. I stood up after awhile and she looked at me with her brown eyes and said, I am sorry that happened, but don’t worry, I will always be there for you, then she leaned in forward, came close to my ear, the beautiful scent of lilies and her warmth came so close and she whispered- “Trust me forever”

Those words roused all my anger and brought me back to reality, In a flash I picked up the kitchen knife and before I knew it, I slit her throat, she fell down and her blood coloured the floor. I am on the floor too, my breathing is slowing down, I feel at peace finally and I feel like I need to sleep, the blood steadily pours down my own arm. Only my therapist’s words ring in my ears “There is no Nikita, she’s a part of your sickness”

“Bah!” I answer in my own head, how is that possible? I just killed her.

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