Through My Eyes

I was awarded as the Best Designer by the top Fashion Company in the country. I could not feel my hands holding the trophy. My tears made the audience hazy. My legs were frozen. The flashy cameras made everything so bright. Suddenly, darkness winked at me and I woke up.

I had a simple childhood. My father was a businessman. My mom was a house wife. I had 2 little sisters. My life was mainly confined to school and home. At school I was quite active. I talked to almost everybody in class. I was good at studies and extracurricular activities. I didn’t have a good hand at creativity but was an active debater and quizzer. Teachers liked me and I always had an aspiration to be popular at school. I also had a habit of observing people’s behavior. I had been unconsciously adopting different facets of a person’s personality since childhood. Different people had different opinions about me. I was 12 when my 2 sisters were 4 and 5. Both of them were brought up like twins. I wasn’t that close to them because of the age difference but loved them a lot.

Years went by and I took admission in the best college of my state at the age of 18. It was more like a boarding school. We were not supposed to meet our families quite often. Because of my high percentage I got the topper’s block in the hostel. We were allotted single bed rooms in order to prevent distractions. It was the first time I was away from my family. When it came to adapting in the new environment surprisingly, my interest of making new friends vanished. I started sitting alone in class. I just replied to those who voluntarily came to me and tried to converse. During free time I would go straight to the library and stare at books. I became more focused regarding studies I presumed.

One day I had my final exam and I woke up late. I was jumping down the stairs to cut time. Consequently, I fell. It was terrible and embarrassing. It took me 2 minutes to come back to senses. When I opened my eyes I saw people around me. Some looked amazed and few were talking to others. I felt as if I was a subject in an anatomy class and they would soon cut my guts out. Suddenly someone arrived and pushed the doctors away. He helped me stand up. He wore a loose white t-shirt, sleeves touching his elbows. Red and black check cotton shirt wrapped around his waist, deliberately cut denim jeans, white socks and black shoes. He was smart, with perfect hair and collar bones bulging out as smooth as his skin.

He took me to the medical room at once. The doctor looked at me as if he was waiting for me to fall down and come to him. He took out a box from the closet and started searching for cotton and antiseptics. He pulled my hand to himself and rotated it to dress my elbow. It was then I realized why those people looked dumbfounded. It was a deep wound in a shape of an equilateral triangle. It started hurting as soon as I looked at it. He cleaned the surface with the cotton and pulled out a needle to stitch it. He didn’t say a word while the doctor was dressing my wound. As soon as we got out of the room he disappeared. I was stunned. I had no idea where he went. I didn’t utter a word and rushed to class.

When I entered the room the professor was teaching. I got puzzled, we were supposed to have an exam! I didn’t remember what he was teaching. I just interrupted him and asked about the exam. The students started giggling. I had no idea why. Few seconds later when he realized that I study in his class he said “what! It’s the seventh day of your college’’ and their giggling turned into a laud laugh. I tried to hide the sobbing but soon tears started rolling down. I started crying so hard and ran out of the class. I made myself clear not go to there again.

I stayed in my room for days. Once, When I woke up, my sister opened the door. I was surprised and delighted. I asked her how she came and where were others. She didn’t say anything. She didn’t look happy. It seemed that she was about to cry. She was in hurry. She looked disgusted. She said that I was good for nothing. Rather, a dishonor to my family. I got scared. I couldn’t understand what was wrong. She came long way just to yell at me! I was having a hard time already. I wanted to go back home. What could I have possibly done that had brought disgrace to my family? Instead of asking about how I was doing here she made me feel terrible and dejected.

Gathering all my strength I asked her what happened at home. She stood still and was tensed. She suddenly ran out of the door. I didn’t have any clue what made her do that. I jumped from the bed to stop her but when I went out she had already gone. My head was pounding and the agony was unbearable. I rushed to call my mother. All of a sudden I was stopped by a girl. She was short and wore specks. She claimed to be my classmate. She said that the professor asked me to attend the class otherwise I would be detained. So, I was supposed to go to college that day. It had already been a week. I somehow managed to get ready and gather all my might to enter the class. I reached early and sat in the last bench. I pretended to read a book to display my disinterest to entertain anybody. By and by the students started entering and the room got all noisy. I had kept my head down all the time. I felt like an unnoticed puppy. Nobody sat with me. After a while the professor entered the class. When I responded to my roll-call everybody started staring at me but none of them uttered a word. I was humiliated. I wanted to go back to my room. The next name announced was Mark. As soon as the professor called his name, he stood up from his seat and started coming towards me. He was the same boy who took me to the medical room a week ago. He banged his bag on my desk and sat with me .All were shocked including the professor. Still, nobody said anything and he started teaching. After a while I tried to talk to Mark , I said “thanks for that day’’.

“That’s alright but you need to act normal, they make fun of you” he replied.

“I don’t understand”

Before he could say anything the professor asked us to shut up.

I was perfectly alright in school. Why was this happening to me? Why did people make fun of me? I had never faced such lowliness before. This made me panicky and impatient. My face turned crimson. My body was burning. I was sweating so much that it seemed I was standing in the rain. Everything became blurred. I lost control on myself. I didn’t remember what happened next. When I opened my eyes, I was in the same medical room. It was 6 in the evening, 4 hours from then. The doctor said that my Blood Pressure shot down. Also, I had not eaten anything since morning. When I again got out of the room, Mark was standing. He started laughing. I forgot everything and started laughing with him.

He handed me a packet of biscuits and said “Do u have a crush on the doctor?”

We kept laughing. He took me to the park near the college. It looked like a small hill. It was green and even. There was a pond in the end surrounded by huge trees. There were big stones around the pond. We sat there. He asked my name and about my family. He looked calm and gentle .We just laid there and talked about college and studies. We talked about our common favorites. It was the first time that I smiled, laughed, and felt that we could become good friends. I said, “Why do you want to become my friend when nobody wants to?”

“My opinions and decisions are only mine; I don’t let others’ ideas influence them. On the first day when I saw you I wanted to talk to you but I didn’t get a chance. I don’t know why I feel that people have misunderstood you. You have something that they can’t see.’’ A shiver went down my spine. I was amazed and stunned. I wanted to tell him what I knew that others couldn’t see. I felt like speaking up all the problems I was facing. I wanted to cry in front of him. I wanted him to console me and assure that he would always be there. All of a sudden he stood up and brushed his pants. He pulled me up too. I then realized that it was quite late. We went back to our hostel. It was a quiet walk. For the whole time he looked straight on the way. I could see wrinkles on his forehead. He was worried about something.

“What’s bothering you Mark?”

“Nothing…let’s run. It’s already late.”

I somehow reached my room on time. I was too tired to do anything so I decided to sleep. I tucked myself in the blanket and closed my eyes. I was half asleep when I heard a whisper. It was so close that I could feel a heavy breath on my right cheek. How could anyone enter my room when the door was closed? I gathered all my strength to look who was there. I opened my eyes. There was no one but I could still hear voices. They weren’t clear. They amplified with time. I felt I was sitting in a crowded place with people chattering but I could see no one. The voices were disturbing. They were awfully high pitched that I felt as if they were piercing into my ears. I felt helpless and weak. I cried and howled. I wanted those voices to vanish. Where were they coming from?

I ran out of the room. They were still there. My head was pounding. I was chocking. I couldn’t move. I fell on the floor. I closed my eyes to wipe my tears and suddenly, they left. My knees had become weak. I somehow managed to stand and find my room. Next morning, I woke up hung half on bed. My eyes were swollen. I was shivering. I had no idea what day it was. I was scared. I was sad that people would mock at me again. With all the apprehensions, I heard a knock on my door. I started crying. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. I was tired of it. After a minute, somebody started banging the door. “Hey, it’s Mark. Wake up!” I felt sudden relief. I was delighted. I jumped off the bed and opened the door. “Come on! Lecture’s in 15 minutes. Get ready. I am waiting for you in the hall.” I got ready as swiftly as I could and rushed to the hall. We went to class together. It didn’t take much time for our friendship to grow. We sat together, studied together, and spent our spare time sitting in the park.

Mark and I were studying in the room. We had a test the next day. He cracked a joke and we started laughing. While we were talking, I started hearing more than one voice again. It wasn’t him. It was a deafening voice. It was screeching in my ears. It again became more than one. The noise was reverberating all over. It became so deafening that I couldn’t hear Mark. I got stiff.

After sometime the voice started whispering in my ears “Kill him…kill him…kill him… do it…. do it…. kill him… kill him”.

I felt excruciating pain. My body was aching. I didn’t want to hurt Mark. I knew that if the voices didn’t stop I would kill him. I started shouting. I took Mark’s hand and squeezed it so hard that he had to pull it away. I didn’t remember what he was saying. He was trying to stop me. He was sweating. He was horrified. I couldn’t control myself. “Kill him …kill him….kill him now…” The voice was thrashing my brain. I started beating him. He was still trying to tame me. He looked petrified but firm. I pushed him out of my room. I was crying. I couldn’t see Mark’s face. Everything got dark. I fell down. I didn’t know what happened but when I opened my eyes I saw Mark sleeping on the chair. I was in my bed. It was overwhelming to see Mark there.

Why was he still there in the room? I got of my bed. My neck was hurting. I was feeling even worse for him. Why was he suffering for me ? I felt so guilty that I couldn’t even touch him. A tear fell on his cheek. He opened his eyes and stood up at once.

“What had happened to you?’’ He was worried. He was sad. I could see pain and pity in his eyes. I wanted to tell him but I had nothing to tell. I had no idea what was happening with me. I didn’t want to bother him.

“I don’t know but please…..don’t worry” I said.

We had exam in 5 minutes. I suggested taking the test. I had no idea what I would do in the exam but Mark was one of the best students in class. I didn’t want him to lose his grades. We went to the class. Professor gave us the question papers. I took my pen out and started writing. After few minutes, I again started hearing voices; pens clicking, clock ticking, pencils rolling. Suddenly there was no one in the room. Voices said “You are a dishonor to your family….nobody loves you…they hate you…they don’t remember you”.

It was excruciating. I couldn’t bear it anymore. I squeezed my paper and started banging my desk loudly. The voice asked me to stand up. I stood up. I did whatever it said because I felt that I would be punished if I didn’t follow. The students started laughing again. It was so hard to tolerate. The professor asked me to sit down. I shouted “I will not.”

He got annoyed. “If you are not prepared, why have you come to take the test?”

He tore my sheet off. “You will get an F even if you write, so get out!”

I was shattered. I didn’t want to tell it to anybody. I knew that nobody would believe. I knew that they would laugh at me. I was depressed. I lost all vigor to walk so I sat on the stairs. After a while, I saw 4 boys coming towards me. They were pointing at me. They came and threw my book off “You don’t need a book , you need a psychiatrist” .

They started laughing. I tried to ignore them and go to my room but whenever I tried they would stand in my way. I begged them. They kept mocking at me. I got irritated. They had already crossed limit. I formed a hard fist and punched one of them in the nose. I knew that after this they would hit me back so I punched him again, this time in defense.

“It hurts, doesn’t it?” I wasn’t sure how I looked when I said that but he got alarmed. I then started moving to my room, I wasn’t running and they didn’t try to catch me. They never bothered me again. I reached my room tired. I didn’t want Mark to leave the test for me but somewhere I longed for his company. He was allotted a different room no. for exam so he had no idea what I did. I never told him either.

By and by our friendship grew stronger. He was there for me every time I needed him. We kept meeting at the park. We kept studying together. The only thing that was not going well was health. Just before I was going to have my dinner one night, I felt a pull from back. It was strong and painful. I moved around to see who it was. It was my sister. She looked angry. She came close and said “Cut yourself….Do it now…cut yourself.”

I was howling with agony. I fell on my knees. My tears covered the whole floor. “Please don’t do this…please don’t do this to me.” I begged her to go away. “Cut yourself….now….kill yourself.” She didn’t stop. I was crying. I was shouting. She didn’t go away. I had no option; I brought a blade close to my hand. I felt excruciating pain while I pierced it into my skin. I prayed to God for help. I didn’t want to cut myself but I had to. I cried of agony. I slowly pierced it and started to drag it further. I looked up. She was staring me in the eye. It was unbearable. I pushed myself back and ran out of the room. I just wanted to die. I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I covered my hand with a towel and went straight to the hospital.

 

I headed to the psychiatrist’s office with the bandaged hand. When I entered the room someone was already sitting in the patients’ chair. There was no doctor though. After hearing the door screeching he turned to look back. He was wearing black and white suit, perfectly tied tie, and jet black shoes. He was tall and looked young. He put back the tablets on the table and stood up. He looked perfect.

“Hey, I am Daniel” we shook hands.

“You look fine .Why are you here?” I asked

“I am your doctor”

“You can’t be my doctor.” I shouted

“Sorry, look…I am facing serious problems. I need an experienced doctor”

“I totally understand but the head doctor suffered severe heart attack a week ago and it will take few more weeks for his recovery … If you can wait till then you are free to go”

I still thought that he was a patient.

I didn’t say anything and decided to go back. As soon as I opened the door he stopped me.

“Did you attempt suicide? Why did you try to cut your hand?” he looked worried

“I’ll answer to my doctor” I said

“Fine, but take my card. Whenever you get into trouble again please call me”

I was now at least sure that he was a doctor but I wanted to consult the head.

I went out and was just about to throw away the card in the dustbin. “At least keep it for a day”. He was standing behind me. I smiled back at him though I felt stupid.

 

Days passed. Things were turning worse. I didn’t even remember most of the things I faced. I was once walking down the road. People started staring at me. Someone said that I was talking to myself. I didn’t remember where I was going. Next, I found myself lying in the subway. A woman saw me there, she examined my breath to check if I was dead. I struggled to open my eyes and asked her to take out a card from my bag. It was Daniel’s. She called him up. In 10 minutes, he reached there. He immediately took me to the hospital.

“Please call Mark”

“How are you feeling? What happened to you?”

“Call Mark please …I want to see him”

“I will…you relax” He looked scared more than worried but I didn’t care.

 

After a while Mark arrived. He got tensed to see me like that. I felt so guilty. Ever since we became friends I have only made him sad. I still assured him that I was fine. He said that he would never leave me. He sat there holding my hand. After sometime Daniel arrived. Mark was there too.

“I want to go back” I told Daniel

“You can’t go at this time; I’ll let you go tomorrow.”

“I am fine now. Let me go”

“You just can’t go alone”

“Mark’s here. He has come to take me.”

He got serious when he saw Mark. He took no time to inject me a serum. Later, when I opened my eyes mark was not around. Daniel was sitting next to me. I tried to get up.

“You are not going anywhere!” He said

“Where is Mark?”

“I asked him to leave”

I got mad. I pushed him to reach the door. He pulled me back and slapped me.

“Do you have any idea….!” He stopped

He threw himself on the chair and covered his face with hands.

“I am really sorry…I’ll drop you” he said

With all the pain, sedations and weakness I could just nod.

I reached my room. Mark was already there. He hugged me at once. I asked him why he left. He said that Daniel compelled him to go. Daniel knew that I would not listen to him if Mark was there .He said that Daniel wanted to help me so he did what Daniel asked.

I told him that I didn’t want to be treated by him. Mark tried to convince me. He held my hand and said that he would always be there for me. I hugged him again. He held me tight and said “I love you.”

A chill went down my spine. I could hear the heart-beat in my ears. I was extremely happy and relieved. I finally felt that I was not alone. I could tell him anything. I could be with him all the time. He would be there whenever I faced any trouble.

I told him that I loved him too. I indeed loved him a lot.

I started going to the hospital daily. Daniel used to give me some medicines but he never clearly told me what problem I had. Sometimes we just talked. He also used to drop me to the hostel at times. After a month of appointments and checkups we had become good friends too. My behavior had created a lot of problem for him but he was one of the most patient persons I have ever met. Meanwhile my relation with Mark was strengthening. He would take care of my health, encourage me, and support me every time I needed him.

Months passed. I entered Daniel’s office. He wasn’t there. I waited for 15 minutes when he came all exhausted. He came near me and held my hand. He was trying to say something. He stammered every time he talked. I couldn’t understand. I put my hand on his cheeks and tried to calm him. As soon as he felt my hands on his cheeks he looked at me. It seemed that he was about to cry.

“I tried to control a lot but now I can’t”

“What happened to you suddenly?”

“ I am sorry”

“wha…why?”

“I m in love with you”

He fell on his knees. He felt guilty of confessing.

I felt sad for him.

“I m really sorry”

“Don’t you have feelings for me?”

“I love someone else.”

He got dejected.

“Who?” he asked

“Mark…You have met him”

“I thought he was a friend”

“I love him a lot”

He at once sat in his chair, put on his glasses and my file. He started shuffling the pages. It seemed that instead of reading it he was trying to tear it off.

“ Look Dan…please understand”

“You will have to understand!” he shouted

He stood up and threw my file away.

“It has been a month and you have made no progress!” he cried

“What are you trying to say?”

“Mark isn’t real! You are a schizophrenic! , Most of the things you see and feel are your hallucinations”

“I don’t love you so you’ll lie to me now? I don’t need your fake medicines!”

He pulled me back. He said that it was true but how could I believe it? In just a minute he declared the most important person in my life a fantasy.

“You sit and listen” he ordered

I was so offended; I tried to push him away

He didn’t leave my hand. I slapped him and started crying. Everything came to an end again. I felt I had no life. I became stiff with tears frozen on my cheeks.

He hugged me.

“On the day when you first came to the hospital, I didn’t call Mark. You wanted to see Mark so he came. It was your imagination. Why are you always alone when you meet him? In the park, in your room…people laugh at you because you talk to somebody in the class who don’t even exist. I have been giving you these medicines for a month now and you are still not able to differentiate between reality and hallucinations”

Things were becoming clearer to me now. I bet those medicines worked. I was flabbergasted. I loved someone who didn’t even exist. My life became a joke. How funny it was that I who lived a simple and somber life would have to see this day. I saw Mark that night too but yes, he was unreal. I was lifeless. I didn’t talk to anybody for days. I would become aggressive whenever I saw Mark. I realized that if I gave up this time I would definitely die. I went back to Dan one day. He was there in the room. I just stood at the door and saw him. After minutes of silence he came to me. He held my waist and kissed me.

“Ma’am, do you need anything else?” waiter asked

“No thanks…..what happened next?” the journalist’s eyes widened

“Haha…doctors realized that I was almost cured when I found out that Dan was also my imagination”

“Do you still have hallucinations?”

“Yes I do…I see Mark and Dan too…but now I know what’s real”

“You have become the most famous designer in the country….How do you feel about that?”

“It is a dream come true”

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