June 30, 2012 at 12:52 pm #12761YourStoryClubKeymaster
please find below our objective review comment based on five key elements of short stories:
Character: Story has one main character and 2 supporting. Fewer characters are always better in short story. Nonetheless characterization of main character is bit less to understand conflicts shown in story.
Setting: Setting in this story appears to be dull. Metaphors are used; however vivid explanation of surroundings is missing. We recommend using settings even for characterization as it is done in this story but occasionally. For example, “There was heavy rainfall as he was crying continuously. It was as if his tears were racing with these heavy raindrops.”
Plot: First paragraph (opening) is good and tied with theme. Story ends with moral lesson. However end is not as powerful as opening. Furthermore it is better to narrate story by participating character’s point of view (POV) for example this story could very well be narrated by the main character himself or his heart or his mind or even the rose. Please select a narrator who can effectively tell story using her/his/its POV.
Conflict: Conflict became one sided much before ending. It is required to keep conflict on and heighten it just before ending.
Theme: Theme is very clear in first paragraph. Settings, metaphors, and dialogues support theme. This is very good.
Overall there is good moral message in this story. Writing demonstrates potential. We recommend you to read more short stories selected as Editor’s Choice to understand key elements better. Keep writing and we would love to review and provide you continuous feedback.
Having said the above, we strongly believe that story is an art and every art is invaluable – there is nothing good or bad as art is beyond boundaries of these adjectives. Therefore the creator is the best person to decide whether the creation meets her expectation. We like your story in total and our comments are just objective comparison with the patterns we observed in most liked short stories.
We also recommend you to read 10 Tips for short story writing by our Chief Editor.July 4, 2012 at 7:02 pm #13358niaMember
give me some rewies on this story….i really need it :) thank you!!
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