November 21, 2012 at 1:26 pm #27513YourStoryClubKeymaster
Dear Writer, please find below our review comment based on five key elements of short stories:
Character: The protagonist – coma girl – is undoubtedly projected as lead character throughout the story. Other character, who has important role, is father. Few side characters appear for very short time. Choosing of few characters is very appropriate for the short story; however it is equally important to develop characters of main and important roles and it is missing, somehow, in this story. What are main characteristics of the girl that lead the fatal accident and fill her with remorse, is there anything unique or special about father that may provide intense agon or twist in the story etc. Such questions need to be considered while developing the girl’s and father’s characteristics.
Setting: Although there is attempt to provide hospital setting by mentioning of nurse, doctors, relatives etc, it is not enough to connect readers or provide readers a feeling of being in hospital room where the girl is kept. We suggest to use appropriate adjectives and to write few more lines to draw proper setting. You may go little more for the dialogues and conversations to make setting vivid.
Plot: Starting line is good and generating curiosity to read more. First two paragraphs are nicely written to hook the readers’ attention up. End is also equally satisfying and full of emotion – a good attempt for powerful plot. However size of the story is probably too short for readers to enjoy the power of emotions that is tried to be offered in this plot. Before readers could sympathize the girl, story takes twist without offering sufficient conflict and ends.
Conflict: Conflict is the element that could not catch up the theme and thus weakens the powerful plot offered. As mentioned earlier, the twist in the story could not be supported well because of little characters’ development.
Theme: Theme becomes clear as story advances and is limited to one and only one point. It is very important, as it is offered in the story, to stick to one theme and decorate other elements around it.
Overall, emotions are tried to be intensely offered but could not be supported well by settings and characters. We recommend slow progression of the events in single timeframe to bring out such exhaustive emotions. To practice for a good setting, we shall recommend you writing travel experiences.
Having said the above, we strongly believe that story is an art and every art is invaluable – there is nothing good or bad as art is beyond boundaries of these adjectives. Therefore the creator is the best person to decide whether the creation meets her expectation. We like your story in total and our comments are just objective comparison with the patterns we observed in most liked short stories.
We also recommend you to read 10 Tips for short story writing by our Chief Editor.
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