I Don’t Love You Papa…

It was in the midst of chaos when I dared to open into the I.C.U chamber just to see my grandfather lying in a moribund. His eyes were closed, fingers laid in a lifeless corpse posture, his face a paradigm of serenity it was only the vapor on the oxygen mask showed that he was still struggling. Yes, he was.
“Dada” I called out hoping to get a reply.

I was only ten, mature enough to understand the seriousness of the situation but yet I was ten.

I stared at the room; I could compare the place with the streets of Switzerland. Cool, brightened up yet dull.  The place seemed to be the quintessence of hygiene. Sophisticated machines which appeared to me as Star-Trek consoles.

I was startled to see those lines moving continuously in a crooked manner, they called it a heart monitor. It showed how restless my Dada’s heart was, just like me. I wanted to touch them all, play with them, when I heard a voice almost breaking its pitch.

“Kabir, is it you?” my dada’s eyes were still shut

“Yes, Dada, it’s me, how are you feeling now?”, I was getting to act mommy.

“I am good, what are you doing here, where is your dad?” though grandfather was in such pathetic state he still had the habit of inquiring.

I remained silent growing to realize where the conversation would go if I spoke a word.

“Come here son” said a calm Dada. He struggled to open his eyes and move his fingers. I went near to him. It was getting difficult for me to understand what he spoke. The mask blurred out his feeble voice. I saw his helpless body, which doesn’t seemed to be excited anymore with my presence. I couldn’t understand what happened to him. Various pipes pierced through his body, making it hollow. I wanted to remove them all and examine him myself not because my father wanted me to become a doctor but because I couldn’t see my Dada in such ruthless condition.

I recalled the day when in my backyard I was stung by a thorn, thinner than my eyelashes. It was horrible. The pain was unbearable. Though it didn’t bleed but it called for serious medical help, as I thought.

“What are you doing here, Kabir?”appeared my dad from nowhere. My dad whispered with a serious tone. His baritone was enough to make my skinny legs shake with apprehension.

Turning towards Dada my father said” you’ll be fine… soon, father” and then he turned towards me with waters in his eyes.

I couldn’t make out his thoughtful pause after FINE.

My father was a grave man. Always serious in his expression. Perhaps his fifteen years of governmental service had made him such. What overwhelmed me was to see him in a expression which was not accustomed to him. I decided with considerable trepidation to ask him the reason.

“What’s wrong papa?” my voice had already began to break

Without answering me he caught my wrist and gently took me out of the chamber. I felt as if it’s the last time I am gonna see my Dada. I caught a glimpse of his smile before the nurse covered it with the mask. My father took me to my mom and went away from there. I saw him and my uncle having a grave conversation with the doctor.

“beta, Kabir, it’s too late now, you should sleep “ my mother whispered into my ears in ticklish way.
My mom was a perfect babysitter; she had mastered to deal with kids and can make them fall asleep even before anesthesia could. So I stood no chance to watch anymore.

When I opened my eyes I found myself in our car, following an ambulance.

“Mommy, where are we going? Where’s dada?” I asked with my eyes still battling with the slumberous brain.

I could make out with the dark patches under her emotionless eyes that she had been crying. She just moved her hands through my hairs. Where I could feel being in the laps of nature. Cool summer dawn breezes entering through the window, the sky slowly being illuminated with by the Rayleigh effect, I studied before the holidays began.

The car moved slowly without any sense of hurry. It seemed the time had stood still. The sun throwed its bright rays on my face. It was becoming difficult for me to keep my eyes open. So I got up to sit at the back seat. Everyone seemed so sage and demurred.

The car stopped, it was my grandfather’s house. I jumped out of the car with joy. I don’t even remember when I last visited the ancestral home. It had homed almost three wise generations and yet it stood erected. I looked at the ambulance. Though the word was written in inverted form, perhaps they didn’t knew to write proper English.

Two people jumped out of the ambulance and started to open the back door. I kept on starring at the door. Its seemed to me as if the dragon’s gonna come out of the chambers of secret and I would have to cast a spell like harry.

To my disappointment nothing was there. Instead a body laid on a stretcher, covered with white bed sheet from head to toe. They took out the corpse, uncovered the phizog.

It was my Dada. His face seemed to bear the calmness of a sleeping infant. His face pure as the snows of the Himalayas. He seemed to be in the laps of nature, back again. I could hear everyone weeping and some walling. My father stood there with a composed look. He was talking with the ambulance driver. A white pallor covered my Dada’s face. I knew he was dead.

 

“Sir, I guess we should put your father under ventilation. Perhaps for his quick recovery” said, Dr. Narayan Bhusan.

He had a very strange nature to hang all his achievements on the walls of his cabin. Even he had his boards mark sheet hung there. I didn’t replied to him and moved towards my dad’s chamber.
I entered the I.C.U. saw my dad, sleeping like a peaceful child oblivious to its surroundings. He made me remember about my Dada whom I had seen almost in the same state decades ago. The only difference was, my dad wasn’t suffering to be with us.

 

“Papa, where is dada?” I asked in an anxious voice after a fortnight , when I last saw my dada.

“Dada…, beta, he has become a star, come with me I shall show you.” he rushed toward the terrace.
I followed him, moreover, I wanted to meet my Dada, desperately.

He sat on the barristers, pointed close to the north star and showed me, “there’s where your dada is, Kabir”

I couldn’t understand him, he appeared more or less insane to me.

“Oh yes I can see him” I said jubilantly to pacify my father’s sentiments.

“Good, shall we go now? Or do you wanna stay here?” my father chuckled.

“I had a question, papa!” I stared at him, he was taken aback with the sudden gleam in my eyes.
My father nodded.

“Papa, do you agree everyone has to become a star one day?” I fixed my eyes on the north star

“Yes, Kabir. But what makes you ask that?” he was beginning to grow concern.

“So even you would become a star someday, and be placed next to Dada?” I didn’t wanted that to happen
My dad remained silent for a while and said “Yes, Kabir”

“Papa, you had pushed in all those pipes inside Dada only to keep him alive, to abstain him from becoming a star, right papa?” I was in tears because I could recollect my Dada’s heart rending condition.

“Yes, son” replied my dad

“So papa, what should I do if you ever be in dada’s place? Shall I try to turn you a Bot and give you pain and make you suffer or leave you to twinkle beside dada?” I broke down and craved for warmth.

My father immediately enclosed me in his arms. I started sobbing. I could hear my dad whimper too.
There was a gentle pause for a while. Everything stood still, I could feel the silence my question had spread.

“Kabir, I shall make it easy for you, beta, if you love me then you will try to stop me from going and if you love me a lot you would allow me to go away, smiling, without a breach in my body.” Saying this he clasped me tighter.

I had already turned his well ironed shirt into a complete mess with my tears. He raised me in his arms. Kissed my forehead, rubbed the tears from my eyes and said “Kabir…” with a genuine pause he continued “beta, I love you, but how much you love me it’s up to you “.

I kept starring into his deep, thoughtful , coal black eyes. I had never felt such adoration for my father before.

 

I saw my father opening his eyes to get a glimpse of me. He was trying to say something. I requested the nurse to remove the mask for a while. “Beta.. .what are the doctors saying?” said a feeble papa

“They said, you are a fighter and you love us a lot” I said, holding his hands tight

“Kabir, do you love me?” his eyes already began to moist with the gush of emotion

“Father… I don’t love you…” I said leaning forward to his forehead, “Papa, I love you a lot” and kissed his forehead.

He didn’t spoke a word, closed his eyes as if to go into a deep slumber in the laps of nature. He smiled with ecstasy, I knew he was. Tears rolled down his cheeks emerging from his closed eyes. He knew his journey to eternity was to begin soon enough.

The nurse put back the mask. I went outside. Raised my small son into my arms, went to Mr. Narayan Bhusan.

“Yes sir, shall we begin the procedure, you just need to fill up few forms” his face seemed to be of those business tycoons.

“What are the chances of his recovery” I charged.

He was taken aback with my sudden change in my attitude. He remained silent.

“Can he come back to life again” I forwarded my second question.

By now he had began to feel uneasy and wanted to surrender,

“Sir, I Can’t assure you, but if by god’s grace some miracle happens, you never know” said a clumsy Mr. Narayan.

He then added, “You love your father, don’t you. Then why not try to save him?” he was trying to gain my confidence.

“I don’t love my papa, I love him a lot” saying this I stared at my son’s innocent face. He was in deep sleep.

“Then shall I pass on the orders, Sir” asked Mr. Narayan with great hopes.

“NO” I replied firmly

“Ok sir, I understand “said Mr. Narayan like a defeated warrior.

I sat outside and kept on staring at my son till they opened every machines which kept my father in senses. They brought him out, his phizog covered with a white bed sheet. I removed it. Saw him still maintaining the smile, somewhere lost but still beautiful than ever. The tears had dried up on his cheeks. His hands didn’t make any response to my touch, his lifeless body remained silent in that  chaotic corridor. Indeed he loved me, but papa, I loved you a lot.

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By- Tamal Sau