Chapter 4
He felt hollow, as he walked down the stony path. He knew what he did was wrong, and maybe what he was about to do would always be unforgiven, but he just had to. He felt nauseous, care for some more blood transfusion? He smiled to himself. It was late afternoon and the lake seemed as beautiful as always. He moved to the spot, where he had left her last time, he had shattered her heart with nothing but lies, maybe he couldn’t fix it anymore, but she deserved to know the truth, that was the least best thing he could do for her, before he……He didn’t want to think any further, his heart seemed breathless. It ached. She would come, he knew. Waiting was hardly an option, in all this time he got used to it. All he needed now was to see her once, even for a second. Just a second.
She was transfixed at what she saw; standing right there, in their spot was Neal Chatterjee. The same guy she was in love with, the same guy who almost killed her, and now it seemed this was what her life has been waiting for. She smiled, with all the glows of the world lighting up the moment. This moment was an exception, she was sure it wasn’t a dream, it was him, and he was hers. But the person wearing a loose tee, rugged jeans hardly bore the same Neal she once knew. He looked miserable, she wanted to know why. He was not certainly himself; the specs were gone, is he alright? His eyes looked tired, as if they hadn’t rested in a million nights. He was definitely in pain; and all she wanted to know was that everything was going to be fine.
For an instance they looked at each other, time seemed lucid. She wanted this magic to stay forever, he feared his lies were wearing off, and he wouldn’t be able to control himself much longer. Hence it broke abruptly, Neal walked up to her “This is for you, do read”, the same impatience in his voice, the very old. He almost digged the envelope in her hand and walked past. For once, her reflex had the most perfect timing. She caught his hand, faced him, and looked him right in the eye. She just melted, she didn’t want to say anything more, she wanted this moment to last a lifetime, she just wanted to be with him. But deep down, something told her, time was fleeting, and maybe it was her last chance, she shuddered. “Why did you do this to me?” she questioned, her voice barely audible, “Where was my fault? Did I ask for anything, anything at all”, she continued, her voice soaring” You think that you can do anything you want to, you think you have the right ov–“ Neal jerked off his hand, “What do you know about right and wrong? You don’t even know what’s right for you. You never did.”, he spoke in a voice that had concern more than anything else. She couldn’t speak anymore, warm tears washed her cold cheeks, for a while she thought he would just stop, but then again she wanted him to go on, till the sky meets the sea. His voice softened, as he turned to the lake, the crimson waters rippled in the dusty wind, “I don’t have right over anything Anwesha, not even my share of time. I just wanted you to know the truth, that I …..” he stopped. She looked up, his breathing was laboured, she knew he wouldn’t complete, but his eyes gave him away. Completely.
She couldn’t hold back anymore, she held him tight and wept. She could finally breathe, after so many months, she was breathing him. She felt his arms around her, his chin on her head. It was life, then, their’s, forever.
The letter…
I always loved the rain, every time the parched earth was touched with drops from those skies; I felt a fresh lease of life through me. I have always loved the first breathe……….and I have always loved you.
Every time I saw those troubled dark eyes, that heart warming smile, my heart skipped a beat. I never needed my heart when you were around; for me it was always you who fed life to my soul. Without you I am but a, sole existence of nothingness. You never just made my day, you defined time, the most beautiful and best time of my life. It was you, Anwesha, always.
Wondering why I am saying these now? That too on a parchment? Well all these years I could never gather guts enough to confess, I thought you were too good to happen to me, I thought I might lose you forever. I was wrong. Now, standing on the in the shades of the ruthless present I wish I wasn’t running out of time. Believe me Anwesha, if it rained time tonight, I would soak up each drop before gravity could bury them. I would trade anything, just to be with you- had it not been too late.
As I try to frame my heart, it rains, I wish you could be with me right now; seeing the rain kissed earth, feeling the wet breeze cut through your skin, touching your soul most poignantly, is something which words can’t describe. I always hoped, that a day would come, when we would face the sun together, feel the rain, walk hand in hand to our destination, to us.
Sometimes I hope, our existence would immortalize, then again, I think maybe it already has, in distant horizons and waiting stars. Being alive is not something I can control, but being with you is a promise I make. Everytime the could rises from the dead, do believe I exist, somewhere, somehow fighting my way through a million drops to reach you.
My heart pains, it bleeds, the disease it carries spreads like malignancy through my veins seeping deeper into my soul, searching, tiring, reaching for life, and that’s when I hide you, within me, in mind and memories. That’s our last link Anwesha, life is something I lack, and you have. Share mine please, will you? Can you give me a last chance to live through you? Even after I am gone, long after I am just ashes..
Every morning that I saw you, was a silent countdown, to the days I never might see you again. My heart breaks to let this go, but these words are my wings, and the only possible way to tell that your existence matters, with me, without me; forever, you are the only way I can still live, don’t let me die, I don’t want to…
I am already chocked and can hardly see through the sheet of blinding tears but I am still not sure if I want to sing my last long right now, in some undiscovered contours of my mind I feel I have long way to go, to reach my destiny, to reach………..you. I leave the reins of my ruins to you, love. I will always be, no matter what…just for you.
I am sorry that I lied about not loving you more than life….for, I do, today,forever and beyond.
-Neal
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