“What is the matter adi” I groaned with anxiety, penetrating my eyes on him.
He was looking down lost in his deep thoughts. His feet making circles on the sand beneath him. Looked like he was ignoring my words. Only this habit of him I hated the most, his behaviour to escape from reality, just hiding himself from the world.
I repeated my words but this time with soft tone and grabbed his face in my palms, forcing him to look at me. The irritation was clearly visible on my face, but somehow I managed to hide it and softened my expressions. I held his cold face in my warm palms, but still his eyes didn’t met mine. I know that he was hiding something from me but I don’t know the reason behind his silence.
“Look at me adi, please tell me what’s going on your head, I can’t see you like this, please adi.” I appealed in calm voice hoping that he will say something.
After a while he looked into my eyes, his dark brown eyes was intense making me shiver. His look frightened me deeply.
Somehow I managed to stay still, holding my gaze and my eyes questioning him.
“ I … I … can’t ” his words stumbled. “what you can’t ?” I ranted with irritation.
“ Sorry Diya but I can’t hold it anymore” he mumbled in frightening tone.
Abruptly I dropped his face. Starring into his dark brown eyes. Trying hard to analyse his words, making my head to understand them.
I left my gaze and looked at the ground. All the memories started to flash back in my mind.
6 years before…
It was my first day in my new school. I was a quite girl, somewhat nervous and feared of new environment. I got admitted in 7th standard. I got transferred to this school because of my dad transfer. I was not genius but yes I was more than an average in academics. It was never easy for me to make friends easily. I was a shy girl at that time. But after some days I made new good friends. Fast forwarding the things, it was my 6th month in my new school. I managed to make very good friends and had a great circle. I created a good reputation in my class and in teachers eye’s too as I started to hold position in top 5 rankers. It was a good day until I got my science paper it was not like that I got bad marks actually I scored full marks in science paper and was too happy for it, everyone was coming for congratulating me. I was too glad until when I made a wrong decision. In my excitation I gone to the second rank holder of my class Aaditya to ask about his marks, “ Hey Aaditya how much you got in science paper ?” I said in excited tone.
“ It’s none of your business, cheer your marks, don’t interfere in my matter.” He replied very rudely. I stood stunned there for some seconds than I regained my consciousness.
“ Hey you don’t need to be this much rude Mr. I was just asking your marks and if you are not interested than just have said no to me politely.” I snapped angrily. Then I left him there with his freaky expressions.
I was extremely angry on his behaviour that for a minute I just wanna slap him hard on his face. His behaviour was so unexpected because as I noticed him he was very silent guy very different from others, I never saw him misbehaving or fighting wid anyone. I remember the day when he was monitoring our class, he was calm and serious, very obedient to his work. I developed a liking for him from the first day when I saw him. His silence was very appealing and his mysterious eyes hypnotised me. That’s why I tried to talk to him but after his extreme reaction I become so disappointed with him.
After this kind of first interaction I never thought in my dreams also that he will become my best friend. We took a year to become best friends. We share differences in point of view. We never agreed for the same thing. But as I explored him as a best friend, he was too caring and easy going person. I always feared that anyone can take advantage of his vulnerability. My new school changed me into strong personality but with short temper. Aaditya was very calm person he always make me calm when I really want to punch someone’s face. A very strong bond had been created between us in past years.
As the time goes, our friendship also became strong. We were walking towards home after giving our 10th class boards discussing our answers when suddenly Adi took my hand into his hands gripped much tighter than usual, I resisted and tried to free my hand from his strong grip. Some how I freed my hand from his grip and teased him but then he pulled me into his arms and starred deep into my eyes. Pulling me more closer to him that I can feel his breath on my head.
“ Diya I wanted to confess something to you from a very long time ” he said intensely, I can clearly see his dark eyes started glittering and my hands started shivering.
“ I started to dazzle in your aura, I become used to that beautiful smile, without you I feel incomplete, you had become really special to me, I don’t know what is this but something urges me to be with you to stay with you. I can’t hide from you that I really love you.” He said in hypnotising tone looking deep into my eyes, I looked down and a tear fell down from my eyes.
Immediately Adi raised my chin so that he can look directly into my eyes, “ Hey I didn’t mean to hurt you. I am sorry so much. Please don’t cry.” He trembled with concern and empathy.
I hugged him.
“ I am not mad at you moron, I am just feeling so delighted adi, I can’t find any words to express how glad I am.” I explained him with husky voice and teary eyes.
We remained still and silent. Don’t want to interrupt our special moment, don’t wanna disturb the peaceful silence between us with any useless words.
We both were jubilant with what we had. Content with each other. We shared a beautiful relationship for two years. But after some time, we started facing problems, we had some small fights and ego problems. We started losing the bond between us.
Somewhere in our relationship our deep friendship started fading. We were not that carefree friends what we used to be.
I started to get annoyed with his easy going and irrational behaviour and he is getting annoyed by my short temper. We developed more tangled strings, didn’t concerned to clear-out wid each other. We both understood that something was going wrong between us, something not right.
And now this day came when we were standing in the middle of nowhere. Careless wondering free souls, ending our relationship, the relationship which is breaking our friendship day by day. Somewhere deep inside I was expecting all this to happen, knowing the fact that this will happen someday, but not expecting it today. I was tormented deep inside, cursing myself to ruin our special relationship of friendship by saying him yes. Disappointed by the fact that if he wasn’t sure about this then why did he started all this. I was shattered by his words not knowing how to react, how to rply him and nothing was left to reply him. We ruined our friendship, we had lost our special bond, we broke our hearts, we lost our best friends…
“Are you okay?. Diya what happen, where are u lost?.” He shaked me. Making me realise where I am standing, what I am dealing with.
“ I am sorry Diya but you also know that something is not going well between us. We are not what we used to be. I know it will be hard for you. Infact hard for us. But please understand I don’t wnna ruin our friendship anymore. Let’s get what we were used to be, best friends!” He was trying to make me understand the situation. But how can I understand the situation when somewhere I loved him so much, even I love him now and will always be. How I tell that Moron that nothing can be same as what it was used to be, we can’t be again what we were.
He again jerked my shoulders, making me to look into his eyes. “I understand adi we can’t continue anymore. But it will be very hard for me to go back where everything was fine. I am not blaming you for all this but yes I need time to recover from all this. Goodbye adi.” I uttered my words. Backed myself and turned around, to way of my home. I wasn’t ready to face him anymore, if I will see him one more time then I couldn’t resist my extreme emotions. On way of my home tears started to build in my eyes. And then before my knowledge tears fell out from my eyes. I don’t know how but I couldn’t control my emotions anymore. I felt helpless and discarded. As I reached home I locked myself and cried to the sleep. Next day I didn’t attended my school. Adi called me that day few times but I refused to pick his calls. I wasn’t ready to answer him. After 2-3 days I went school, trying to act normal, as I entered in class
I heard my friends shouting at me. They were calling my name and scolding me that why I wasn’t attending school and not picking up there calls. “ Sorry guys I was suffering from viral fever and not feeling well to attend any calls.” I replied very silently and calmly. Adi was sitting right there, keeping a space for me. But I decided to sit with my another friend. My all friends became shocked as I used to sit with adi always. On that whole day, I ignored adi, I didn’t met his gaze. I just don’t wnna feel overwhelmed again by looking at him. After that I ignored him for a whole week, I didn’t talked to him, just not having that much confidence to face him. But as a week passed adi became irritated and camed to me.
He engaged my way and resisted to stop me but I tried to escape. He grabbed my shoulders and stopped me. His eyes was very intense and tearing me deep inside. I looked away didn’t met his gaze.
“Why you are doing this to me Diya. For God sake please don’t ignore me. I was furious this whole week that why you are ignoring me. Please don’t do this with me.” His voice was trembling with emotions. He looked desperate and intense. I stood silent there. Not answering his questions. “ Reply to me Diya don’t force me to do something wrong”. He shunted. I was trying hard to control my emotions but failed. Tears came out of my eyes. “ I am sorry adi but I can’t continue our friendship I tried but trust me I failed to control my emotions. It’s too hard for me adi to move on. I just can’t face you anymore. I will be okay in some time. Please leave me alone. Don’t make my life more complicated.” I begged him. Still tears were falling from my eyes.
This was the last conversation we had. After that our preparation leave was started for 12th boards. Our class was closed until boards. I also started getting busy in my preparation and started to move on. But still every night I cried to sleep. Somewhere I was missing my best friend. I was too curious that how easy it was for adi. How easily he moved on from all that. Days passed and we appeared for our boards. Boards gone well and we started to appear for competitive exams. After all that chaos I got admission in my dream college and adi also got admitted where he wanted to…
2 months gone, we didn’t talked to each other. But now I was more calmer and understood the situation. I was used to that pain and suffering. Now it didn’t affect me like before.
I was preparing for my first day of college. When suddenly my phone ranged it was adi I picked up my phone, no one spoke from other side. “ Hello!” I said.
“ Hey Diya, hope I didn’t disturbed you.” He answered slowly.
“No just preparing myself for first day, and say how are you?”. I questioned him. We were talking too formally. I wasn’t used of that tone of adi. Rude and dry.
“I am fine. Just wnna inform you that tommarow I am moving to Delhi, and before going there, I just wnna meet you. So can we?” he asked softly and awkwardly.
I took moment to answer. Deciding what to reply. “ Yea sure. Tommorow 5pm near park. See you there.” I responded in normal tone. And put down my phone. Suddenly felt once again the terrifying feelings. But somehow I managed and settled my mind to meet him…last time.
Whole night I was wondering about his departure. Something horrifying me. Don’t know what it was. Maybe his departure, feeling of losing him. No connection, whatever the reason is. I felt tormented and horrified whole night. I can’t sleep that night. Lost in all previous memories. Don’t know when the time passed and sun raised. It was 6am. When I checked my phone. I didn’t slept whole night. I wasn’t ready to say him good bye, not ready to meet him again. Something making me nervous as the time passed. Don’t know why I was feeling lost and uncontrolled. Crying and trying to forget all beautiful memories. The beautiful days, when we were best friends, no barriers no strings to hold us. It took some time but I tranquillised myself. I tried to think differently. I composed myself and make up my mind to say goodbye to my best friend. To wish him luck for future. To wish him a beautiful life ahead. I knew I can’t be part of his life anymore, I just wnna say him goodbye as his old best friend. I want to split our ways in simpler and happier way.
Somewhere I was knowing that maybe it was the last time to see him, to watch his dark brown sensual eyes, his killer smile. I was afraid to see him last time but tried to fake a natural smile and happiness to him. Don’t wnna trouble him anymore. Just separate our ways in more simpler way. I knew I was losing something very precious, a unforgettable chapter of my life, but still convincing myself that everything happens for a gud reason. I managed myself to look okay but deep inside I was tearing apart. I got ready in the best way possible.
He was waiting at the corner of park gate. In his black t-shirt and pale trousers. His wardrobe complimented his complexion. His brown black hair’s unsettled like always. Making him look more rough and tough and attractive. I fall again for him, for all his personality. I came closer to him. “Hey!” I said awkwardly.
He turned around and took a glance of mine. He stood silent for a minute , analysed me from top to bottom.
“ Hey… you look nice today.” He complimented me.
“ You too.” I replied nervously.
We entered in park. Walking side by side. Not having that much confidence to look at each other. We paced silently.
“ So when is your college is starting?” adi broke silence.
“ Tomorrow” I replied.
“You must be nervous right?”. He asked while looking at me.
“ Yes kind of. You are also joining you college in some days na?”. “Yup, tomorrow” he answered me.
“ Glad to know that you are going in your dream college” I said happily trying to compose the environment.
Suddenly adi stopped, and faced towards me. He looked deep inside my eyes, right into my soul. Trying to read me as before, his carefully carved features looked beyond perfect like beautiful dawn. Nothing more than that mesmerising thing I can find in this world. For a moment I just wanna hug him tightly, to be inside the world of his arms away from the cruel world away from all the problems to be wid him to feel him once again, to inhale all his aura, to intervene our souls again, I wnna cry and shout out of my lungs on him. I had millions of questions to ask him but couldn’t find any words to express my extreme feelings. I just want to stop the impeccable time , to stand wid him there for whole life for my whole existence.
“ I am sorry” adi spoke wid guilty. Looking down on the ground. “ I am sorry for what I have done to you. I am sorry for my words that I spit out.” Adi said with sadness and then looked back to me.
“ There is no point to discuss all this now.” I appealed not to open that topic so that my heart ache will come again.
“ I just don’t want to ruin your friendship anymore at that time. So that was the only thing I can found out. But didn’t released that this mistake can make the situation more worse.” He ignored my words and continued to clarify him.
“ Why you are telling me all this now adi. What do you want?.” I questioned him. I just can’t find a reason why adi is opening all this matter.
“Diya I just wnna sort out all the things wid you. I was stupid to think that breaking up wid you can make all things right as before. Didn’t thought about the consequences of my act. I lost my best friend Diya. No one in this holy world is dumb like me. Can’t you see I missed you so much can’t you feel I gone through hell in these back months. I am soo sorry Diya. I should have sort out with you before but don’t know what happened to me, I just can’t decide what is right what is wrong. Its just like that I want to clear out wid you all things before going away, don’t want to make you sad anymore because of me.” He said with furiousness in his voice.
I stood stunned there for a minute. Recollecting all the words that he said and changing them into sentences. My mind gone blunt, empty and hollow, nothing came in my mind to response. Why God why me was only the reaction of mine. I can’t rationalise all the things that is happening wid me. I was confused that what adi really want from me. But one thing I clearly learned and understood that we are missing our best friends miserably, like a fish without water, but we are not missing our lovers part.
“ Adi It’s not like you are the only sufferer one, I also missed my best friend. I am so sorry adi. I should have not reacted like that.” Words came out of my mouth like I was proving him how much I missed him.
“Maybe that was the stupidest thing we have done in our life .” Adi said grinningly. The tension between us was started to getting fade.
“ I missed you like hell adi. I missed your all stupid senseless jokes. Our small fights, your sarcasm and mostly a shoulder where I can lie my all the problems and sorrows. A friend to whom I can shout for small things and then try everything to make him happy.” I hardly manage to say cauz emotions choked me.
“ So I think we should start our relationship again. So would I need to propose you again.” Adi said innocently.
But after listening him I recalled all the previous memories, our tragic ending and all. And then realised where we had gone wrong.
“ Adi can’t you see, we are missing our best friends to whom we can share everything, without thinking twice.” I exclaimed.
“Ya so what. I mean what’s the point of saying this.” Adi questioned confusingly.
“See here we have gone wrong adi, we are missing our best friends not lovers. We are missing our careless friends not protective partners. I think we are best as friends but not compatible as lovers. I think we need more time to understand each other. Sorry adi but we should not repeat our mistake once again.” I tried to explain him the whole situation.
“But I think I love you diya and I knw that you also love me. So what’s the point of saying all this. Past was our mistake because of our misunderstandings. But now we knw what we want.” Adi insisted anxiously.
“ Yes that is the point that now we know what we want. We need someone to tell our strangest parts but not someone to love.” I acknowledged him.
“ I can’t understand what you are trying to explain me Diya. Please say clearly what do you want.” He demanded.
“ Adi I am too happy that we are again friends and hope that we’ll continue like this for long. But we can’t be in relationship again.” I explained him with a hope that he’ll understand what I want to say.
Adi didn’t spoke for some time. Looked like he was thinking very hard. His expressions looked very worried and concerned.
I took his hands and covered with mine and locked his eyes with mine. “ Adi it will be best for you and me. We have long life ahead, big dreams to achieve and I don’t want you and me to make this big decision now. If we had a future together then surely we’ll meet but now it is better not to think of that.” I spoke all my things running inside my head.
Still Adi didn’t uttered a word. I understood that he need some alone time. So I hugged him tightly.“ I think you need some time. See what I am doing is best for both of us. I will always love you as a best friend and always feel free to contact me. I will always be there for you I promise. Have the best college days and life ahead adi. I will be waiting for your college stories and maybe a love story eagerly. It’s time to go bye…All d best…” I whispered in his ears and beamed a good bye with a big smile.
–END–
~ by Shreya Jain
