The Divine Feeling
“Have you ever been in love?” she asked me, her eyes looking deep into mine.
I shifted my gaze, scared if she saw through me and realize the irony of her question.
“That depends” I blurted and tried to come up with a decent answer real quick for I knew she was persistent.
“On what?” she didn’t disappoint me.
I tried my level best but my mouth was dry hence all I managed was a shrug. She kept looking at me, expecting a sensible answer from me. After a while I gave up and trying to keep my voice as casual as possible, I said,
“I guess I haven’t been in love yet” followed by a smile to make it look genuine.
She smiled back and said “Too bad. You don’t know what you are missing.”
Though my face was expressionless after a failed attempt of a smirk, I was trying really hard to subdue the searing pain that was inside. I might not know what I was missing but I was sure as hell that I was going to miss her every single day for the rest of my life. She blissfully continued rambling about her being in love with an amazing guy while I sat helplessly, as all the time I spent with her flashed in front of me.
Samantha and I have been best friends for the past seven years, right from the start of our college life. We met through a common friend and since then there was no looking back. What started off as a friendly chat grew into endless conversations lasting for hours.
Our friends were suspicious about us being a couple but we vehemently denied all the allegations, and we did so truthfully. Sure it might seem that we were in love, given the fact that the only time we spent apart was while sleeping in our respective homes. It took us a while to convince our parents the same thing but once they understood the depth of our friendship, they weren’t worried anymore. Above all, we never thought about being a couple because we never felt the need.
But then two years back, when Sam (Only I am allowed to call her by that name) went on a date with a classmate, I realized for the first time she was more than my best friend. Though she got a lot of attention from the opposite sex, she never reciprocated any of them. Now I could try to describe her beauty by using all sorts of metaphors, but none could ever hold a candle to her. There is no word in any languages of the world that would ever do justice of describing her flawless beauty.
So when one of our classmates asked her on a date I was sure he would be rejected as well. However when she told me she thought he was cute and was thinking of going out with him, I felt an explainable feeling of deep anger and jealousy against him that could barely be suppressed. Death would have certainly felt better than what I went through during their date which lasted 1 hour 47 minutes and 12 seconds!
The only consolation was that she found him to be too flashy and pretentious. When I enquired how she knew about him pretending, she simply replied, “I just know because you never behaved like that when you are with me.”
Since that day of revelation, there is no count of the sleepless nights that I have spent thinking about the possibility of me and Sam being together. The optimistic in me wanted to believe it while the pessimist part of me contradicted stating she just wanted to be friends with me and nothing more. The inner turmoil in me grew as the optimist side was fighting a losing battle. After thinking long and hard about the consequences, I decided to refrain from telling her about my feelings because too much was at stake. I simply couldn’t risk losing her from my life.
Two months had passed. We still met, talked and hung around but never once did I give her an inkling of the unconditional love I felt for her. I vowed not to tell her how I felt about her, but it was easy being said than done. When I was with her, I wished I could be away from her, and when I was not, every moment passed with me yearning more for her. My life had become a living hell. It went on till I could not take it any longer. I wondered how long this go could on.
And then, Sam brought it to an abrupt end with a surprising, nay, shocking news that she was going abroad for two years for further studies. She told me she had been planning it for a while but didn’t let anybody know because she wasn’t sure she’d be able to make it. After a month, I went to drop her at the airport. Before departing she hugged me once but it was not the usual quick hugs that I got when she was super happy or excited about something or when she was simply feeling low. She held me a bit longer and when she finally let me go, I thought I saw a tear escape her twinkling eyes.
For the first time I felt maybe she loves me too and I was jubilant but it didn’t last long as she said, “I am really gonna miss my best friend”.
I figured I was wrong again, the pessimist in me mocking me at my stupidity. And then she left while I stood there watching her till she was no longer visible.
With Sam gone, I felt vulnerable and handicapped. The only thing that kept me sane was the anticipation of seeing her and chatting with her on skype. Right from the first day, not a single day had gone by with us not meeting on skype. She would give me a detailed description of the life in Canada while I would list out the details of the things that she was missing here in India.
Then came 4th of June, exactly 4 months from today, when she told me she had fallen in love with a guy! I somehow managed to keep up a smiling face and feigning illness, I logged out and deleted my skype account. I felt heavy yet empty, dead yet alive, wounded yet numb. The feeling of losing that one girl, whom you loved more than anything else, to some other guy, could never be expressed through any means of communication whatsoever. I felt the very existence of my life was futile.
All the small things in life that made it joyful suddenly seemed trivial and dull. Life without her was like living life being in coma. I still don’t know how I survived through that time which is by far the worst four months of my existence.
Though in a pace would make a snail seem hyper-sonic, time does move on and with her course complete, Sam was back. When I went to receive her at the airport, I had it all planned. I would slowly move out of her life. But when I saw her at the exit, the very first glimpse of her was all it took to forget all my plans and just live in the moment and gape at her like an ardent devotee would if a Goddess appears before him.
She saw me, came to me, hugged me, cried in my arms, accused me of not being a good friend, hit me on my arm, called me names, hit me again, while I stood there, basking in her presence. After a long time, when I could finally gather my wits, I apologized to her saying I was tied up in work, although she didn’t buy it.
Two days later, we are sitting at our favorite spot, my building terrace. It is here that all the talks began, all the secrets were shared, and all the confessions were made. I was still in deep thoughts when she smacked the back of my head. For a girl, Sam could pack quite a wallop.
“Ow, what the hell” I responded.
“Its’ the fourth time I asked you something and you just sit there like a statue” she retorted while glaring at me.
Exasperated, I asked her “What is it?”
She asked me again “You never asked about the guy I am in love with.”
I realized she was right, but I was too stubborn to admit it so I just replied, “What’s there to ask about him? I am sure he’s a good guy and judging by your taste, he would certainly not be pretentious.”
I had realized the tension between us was too much and hence tried to make light of the situation.
“I don’t know, my guy seems to be quite pretentious too. At times I think he really loves me but then sometimes it seems he doesn’t care one bit about me.”
I was surprised and enraged on hearing what she said. I looked into her eyes and said “If you think even for one second that he doesn’t care about you then don’t be with him. I’ve known you since the past seven years and you are the best person I have in my life and that includes my parents and siblings as well. You are kind, caring, smart, beautiful, God you are beautiful! A person like you should be revered and if that jack*ss doesn’t realize this then he is not worthy of being loved by you.”
I was panting by the time I was finished and she just stared at me in bewilderment, her eyes wet. A couple of minutes had passed when she whispered “Would you speak to him and tell him what you told me now.”
“Of course I would. Give me his number; I’ll speak to him right away.” I assured her.
She scrolled through her contacts while I was preparing myself to give that bas*ard a piece of my mind. She handed over her mobile saying “I have dialled his number.”
“It’s ringing” I told her.
Suddenly I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. I took it out to see who was calling at such a tense moment, and froze. It showed Sam’s number. I blinked a couple of times, refusing to believe what I was seeing. I am seeing things for sure, I thought and disconnected the call from Sam’s mobile. My mobile stopped ringing as well. I tried my best, but a tear silently escaped my eye. I looked up to see her teary eyes intently looking at me.
She mocked me, “What’s the matter? Too scared to speak to him?”
“S Sam I…err…I …I” I stammered like an imbecile.
She closed her eyes and whispered “I have always loved you Varun, I just realized it when I was leaving for Canada. Right from the first day, the only thing I looked forward to was the day when I could be with you again. I used to be awake all night just to chat with you on skype. I had almost blurted out my feelings in front of you that day but you just logged off skype and never came online after that day.
You have no idea how hard my life was without your presence. I spent every moment craving for your company, your caring, your hugs, your stupid smile and cried myself to sleep every night. When I saw you at the airport after what seemed like an eternity, I felt I was breathing again after a long time. I don’t know if you love me and if you don’t its fine Varun, it really is. We could still be the best of friends. In fact I would never men…” she didn’t complete the sentence as I took her in my arms.
She cried in my arms as I confessed to her everything that I had been going through since the past two years. I told her again and again how much I loved her and begged for her forgiveness for not letting her know about my feelings. After my confession we sat there for a long time in a comforting embrace. I had never felt so peaceful and content. I don’t know what’s going to happen next but I knew for sure I would never ever let go of her. I vowed to spend the rest of my life giving her all the happiness in the world and to never to hurt her again. But that was all for later. As of now I just want this moment to last forever with my Sam, snug and safe in my arms. This feeling of holding the one you love the most, is what I call a Divine Feeling.
__END__
vNt
