Relief in giving up…..

Waiting was the most annoying thing to manage; especially when you are waiting for someone whom you are blending to play for the foremost time. Anxiety keeps building up; and thus was the desire. My cellular telephone phone battery was about to die; the most common trouble smartphone users face. Thus eventually, all I could was to wait and keep looking around at people’s faces to detect that one similar face I am looking for.

“Hey….” Someone said.

“Pranay….” I prompted.

“Yes…. Aahna?”

“Dude, I told you, not to get late, ” I said with a little grin.

“Yes, an apology, ” he answered.

It was planned; to catch a motion picture, but due to unstable timings this idea was dismissed. And so the inquiry was, what next option we deliver? Eventually, he came upward with an estimation; that we should sit by the seaside and see the sundown. It was something I admire the most, and sounds quite romantic and fancy.

“Then where is image processing going?” Pranay inquired; while we were in a taxi.

“Well! I truly don’t know; maybe somewhere” I answered with a grin.

This was the question, I was quite tired of. Being a researcher means; describe your work to every single person you see. It actually has started haunting me, and then I often avoid these sorts of conversations. Moreover, I was with him not to discuss this; but to know him better.

While sitting, I looked at him a number of times, and every time I felt, I am releasing a piece of me. His refreshing smile and complete balance of wit and intelligence made my heart pounce. It was such a rare combination to get, and it made me feel more bonded. I was loving every single component of the conversation; it was so full of life and full of play.

As we sat along the stones facing the deep blue majestic sea; sharing Channa chhor garam, the cold breeze soothed our faces. We sang about life, motionless sea and its beauty; where I tend to realize he is not that tender of water. He cited that he has a kind of water phobia and is allergic to dust.

“You know what, I face difficulties in breathing during the monsoon season” he cited.

“What? Are you serious?”

“Yes, during the peak monsoon months I have to take external help”

“And then for three months you can’t breathe” and I tittered.

I imagined in my intellect, why carry a medicine; next time if he faces similar condition he can phone me up, will provide him mouth to mouth breathing. Though I didn’t mention this to him, since I wasn’t sure how will he respond to this blunt response. He always stated that he is a timid person; hence this might make him little uncomfortable.
While sitting next to him; Manier times a feeling crossed my bosom; I felt like hugging him close to myself, but I deliberately saved the bottle between us.

The ground I held myself aloof was, the Indian, orthodox society; which doesn’t permit a young woman to show herself so boldly. Moreover, the major cause was; I didn’t want Pranay to get uncomfortable or feel ill at ease, which could ruin our beautiful evening. So I kept it fairly simple.

Life is so damn unpredictable, it was just two days back that I didn’t even know this boy named Pranay, and now I am sitting next to him and getting crazy. As I recall, one of my friends suggested me an application on a smartphone, which I downloaded just for exploring. And there I found Pranay, it was a social app, where like-minded people can get together and talk. Well, seeing at either of us, none will look or sound so foolish to participate in such a funny stuff. Probably, it’s how life works. I was uplifted by the fact; at least I gained a friend out of this stupid application, so it was worth downloading.

There was nothing fancy or special in our first meeting, except the person I am meeting with. The real charming personality, with a tint of humor. I relished every single minute, sitting beside him. Looking at him, made me feel more pleasant, his expression had an unusual calmness that could beat anyone at peace. Exactly as I was busy exploring my ideas,

“Hey, can we go to a movie now, we even can get it,” he asked.

“You sure, I don’t want to get late back home” I replied hastily.

“You can bequeath it in between and go, if it will get late,”

“Ok! Then let’s run for it”

We raced to find a taxi, and get to the multiplex as quickly as possible, so as not to miss the start. Well, we did it quite well, the movie was about to begin.

Theatres and movies are so not my stuff, but just because Pranay loves it I decided to move along. Every bit we settled our self along the last sofa seats, I closed my legs and got myself comfy. It was the toughest and tiring day after all, so thought it’s time to relax now. Instead of sitting perfectly straight, I leaned a little bit towards Pranay, maybe because I desired to feel him little closer.

Since the theatre was dark, it was difficult for me to understand his exact position; is he fine with it or is he kind of disturbed. But later I realized, he was quite ok sitting with me like that.

At that place was something to rest our hands on, which was common to both of us. The first time, his hands came to mine, I could sense the spark inside me. It was strange and far beyond description, I knew it was different and rare, but I looked across and set forth to enjoy the movie further; kept giggling at funny scenes and talking about the film.

“Listen, Aahna, you got to write about us,” he said randomly.

“What? Are you kidding me” I replied.

“Write our story; our story of partial dating,”

“Partial dating…” and I giggled.

“Write how we met, what we got along and everything; a true account”

“Ok!” I smiled.

“I am serious,” he smiled back.

It was the comedy kind of film, and we both were sort of savoring it. During the picture show, I often watch out, to examine him, see his smile; though he never observed me acting so. I was enjoying every piece of our craziness.

“Ahana, you owe me a gift, remember?” he asked.

“Actually, what sort of gift?” I smiled, and then we went to catch the film once more.

A night before, while chatting over, he applied a really funny word “chop”; which reminded me of my childhood days. And then he said, “you owe me a gift because I cherished your childhood memories”. In answer, I told him, will afford you a kiss as a talent. Though he agreed, but remarked, he is a shy soul, he might not be capable to initiate anything plus it’s going to be his first kiss.“first kiss” I was astonished to hear that.

Right away a days people start kissing at the age of 10, and he hadn’t kissed even a single miss. Though I was eventually happy, because I am going to be the first girl in his life, whom he is going to kiss, so probably I will hold a vital place in his life throughout.

As we terminated our conversation that night, my mind went on wondering; why did I propose him a kiss for such a small detail. Kissing is something that is associated with romantic courtship, and during that point, neither me nor Pranay was thinking of anything serious. It was just a part of fling, that catches two people together. I knew, I was not the person who would kiss someone, just because he articulated a word from my childhood days. At last, I gave everything; let the day and the man I am meeting decide. Fortunately, I found an ignition as we met.

“Don’t you want to get your story interesting, Aahna?” Pranay asked.

“What are you saying?” I replied.

“Yes, spice it up, give me my gift,”

For a few seconds, I blanked out. I desired to kiss him, hold him close to me, feel him around, but I was unsure about his reply so I averted it. Without giving a second thought, I placed my lips and gave a peck on his cheeks. That instant, I jumped around, my heart pounded and said “wow, what an intensity”.

“Do you require one in return?” he demanded.

I only placed my cheek in front, he kissed me back; a warm embrace.

I could sense the passion within him as we kissed on and on; though it was the first kiss for him, it lasted within me. I could sense him just about as he snuggled me up with his arms, the heat I felt was special. Something was very strong between us, maybe the desire that was glowing inside us; took us together for that bit. His heart was pounding fast, his breath was crossing mine. Every bit of his gesture held over me, his sensuous touch that made me feel admired.

Everything was thus different from what I have ever felt, in my lifetime. I wished, theater to go empty and lights to get blurred, and we could keep on kissing all through the night.

I could see, how much passionate he was, though he never gave women a fortune; I felt lucky to be the first one in his lifetime. That bit, all I could think of was him around me; yet if this lasts for a single day, I was satisfied. He has owned me completely, he won my affection.

Finally, we had to pass the movie hall since it was getting late for me. As we walked away, I was filled with a mixed variety of touches. There were lots of things bothering me, out of which one was, how did Pranav feel about me?

It was a big question hanging around my head. So as I considered a cab back home, I decided to text him. At least to make sure, he is ok with everything.

” Hey, Pranav… I had a great time with you. Thanks for making it a wonderful experience. Hope you feel the same way,”
I knew it’s nothing, nothing more than just a kiss, and a short portion of the excitement that dominated both of us. And then I received his reply “Aahna, I was a bit uncomfortable and shy during the first few transactions of our encounter, but once we began to babble in the cab and while sitting near the sea, I was absolutely free and loose. In fact, to be honest, I thought you will kiss me on that point, but since you didn’t, I planned out for a movie, so that we can relax.
This plan worked out well for us, and then I am glad.”

I was relaxed, after reading his reply, at least things worked well for us and he enjoyed.
“Partial date” was the name that Pranav suggested for our relationship, it looks odd, already people defined their relationships along the basis of commitments and live in, so we have brought in a fresh concept of partial dating. It was more like being friends rather than being lovers. No pressure, no dedications, no issues; just fun and delight. Traveling along the route, that comforts both of us, and perfect for someone like me.

We see new people every day, but then we don’t strike for everyone around, it was a strong attraction that got hold of me, and the feelings were just too far off for both of us.

And a well-known fact, broken people can’t form a secure and substantial bond, so we kept it simple, by not involving an emotional slant to it. It was the treaty we signed in, nothing Lovey Davy.

And then the phone pinged on watssapp,” have you reached “from Pranay.

“Yes, thanks for the concern”

“You look Lil taller in pictures, though you are just 5ft, right?”

“Yes Pranay, correct ”

“I loved kissing you, wanted to explore more, happy that it was obscure, or else probably, I could not have disturbed you,”

“I know, things were on my side, I am glad you did, that too passionately,”

“Hope you didn’t take me otherwise, as some horny guy, full of lust”

” No, kissing is not something that defines all this,”

“My heart was pounding fast, perhaps because I was frightened, possibly because it’s the first time, or perhaps because of appreciation,”

“And then you have mixed feelings, huh?”

“Yeah, sort of ”

I was exhausted to talk anything much, so terminated; even he was drained of vitality. Further, any more discussions won’t do any good to either of us. And then why holdback on discussing? The day ends and hence was the kissing story.

Normally, stories of life don’t end this way, particularly if they commence with a kiss on the foremost date. One thing I was certain about was; Pranay is not my kind of guy, he is excessively different. He doesn’t even make an eye contact while talking. I can also put this, in a way that I am just too dabang for him, and I may not fall as part of his interest. Whatsoever may be the reason; The causes can be many; few of his, few from my side; it is quite clear that we both just can’t be a thing; and can’t end up falling in passion.. In fact, if I try to see into his optics; he says it scares him, as if he was doing some wrong, so eventually, even I can’t look straight into his eyes.

Every emotion that we feel, says something about us; what I felt, was something weird and unnatural. Our today is anywhere born from yesterday; our current state actually defines the past that we both experienced. Pranay and I, both had past theories. Altogether I could sense, it wasn’t full enough to make future filled with lovemaking. We both were too guarded to be in any serious sort of kinship; but what could be the result of our current partial dating concept.

“Hey, how are you” ping from Pranay.

“Hi, I am fine, you say?” I messaged back

“Thus hold you started writing, our story?”

“Yes, I have started,”

“Ok, then tell me what do you sense about marriage?”

“Matrimony is hypocrisy, and we are part of it. Your opinion?”

“I sense the same,”

“What about the serious relationship, what if you fall for someone?”

“I cognize, I won’t,”

“Why, how come you are so sure about yourself?”

“Because I am still not concluded with my past, I still love her,”

“Ok! Then you don’t want to pass on a chance to someone; maybe replacement work,”

“No, I don’t feel so,”

There are so many moments you can portion out with anyone; someone and you just feel that the moment will last forever; when it is only a moment. The time I spend with him was just next to perfect. I was deeply satisfied and very happy. Thought that often occupied my head was, what is Pranay thinking about us? Is he happy, unhappy or indifferent, will he ever sees me again or is it just the one meeting and over. I can’t wait for perfect moments add up; so I made that moment special by kissing him. Now what’s next?

Each meeting occurs at the precise moment for which it was meant. For the most part, when it will have the best effect on our lives. We don’t meet individuals unintentionally. They are intended to cross our way for a reason; that reason was obscure for me.

I’m not looking for holiness, shallowness, virtue; these things are found after this life, not in this life; yet in this life I inquiry to be totally human: to feel, to give, to take, to snicker, to persuade lost, to be found, to move, to love and to desire, to be so human. As the days passed, my affections for Pranay go solid. Gradually I began to understand that it’s getting more than simply a fun. I wasn’t precisely certain when it happened, or actually when it began; All I could comprehend was that I was falling hard for him. I was falling. Falling through time and space, stars and sky, and everything in the middle. I felt for a considerable length of time and weeks, what felt like lifetime crosswise over lifetimes.

“Hey, how are you Aahna?” my phone ringed with his message.

“I am fine” I replied back.

“Listen, we can plan to meet up tomorrow,”

“Oh! Great, but where?”

“That we will decide tomorrow morning,”

“Okay, as you say”

Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them; Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again. However much I wanted someone to want me, there was nothing I could do to make it happen. Whatever I did for them, whatever I gave them, whatever I let them take, it could never be enough; Never enough to be sure and never enough to satisfy them. It was never enough to stop them walking away and never enough to make them love me. I had no courage to repeat all this again, since Pranay already mentioned, he loves that girl even now. I loved him for that moment more than I thought possible, but it would end. I might chase the phantoms of these feelings for a while afterward, but in the end I’ll concede defeat and move on. Nothing is meant to last; some things are too painful to chase after their expiration date.

“Hey, Pranay, have planned something” I messaged him the next morning.

“No, actually I am going somewhere else” he replied.

“Okay,”

This life is the thing that we make it. Regardless, we’re going to derail here and there, it’s a well-known fact. However, the great part is we get to choose how we’re going to destroy it. I could sense, a feeling within me, that was saying I am falling for this man. However, I simply recollect, some come, some go. The ones that stay with us through everything – they’re actual closest companions. I knew he is not the one of those kinds.

Everything left me wondering, what should I do; should I continue to be in touch with Pranay and accept the fact that he can’t love me, or should I quit this insensible relationship; because eventually it will turn into pain. All I know is that I’ve squandered all these years searching for something, a kind of trophy I’d get only if I really, really did enough to deserve it. Anyhow I don’t need it any longer, I need something else now, something warm and shielding, something I can turn to, paying little heed to what I do, paying little respect to who I get to be. Something that will simply be there, constantly, in the same way as tomorrow’s sky. That is the thing that I need now.

Is there anything here I can call my own? An inclination? A minute? Anything? Will there ever be a period when I am genuinely cherished? When I know it and not think about whether it’s genuine? Is there something I can secure and love and think about? Is there a truth I can keep that has no dread connected? Will there ever be a period when I can be some place and it will feel like home? Will there ever be a period when I will look around me and know I am at last in the spot I should be? Is there anything here, anything I can see, while I inhale and inhale, attempting to stay alive sufficiently long to simply have the capacity to be here and realize that I am here? Any here as well as the here I should be in. Is there anything that I can call mine that won’t in the end be take from me? Is there anything, anybody, ever?

So I gave up. I’d finally had enough of chasing after a ghost who did not want to be seen. I failed, maybe, but some mysteries aren’t meant to be solved. As I messaged him “ Pranay; its been an immense pleasure in meeting you, it looked perfect and amazing; but may be I am feeling something serious, called love. You might never feel the same, no harsh feelings; just that, our journey ends here. Thank you for a wonderful day, I will cherish all through my life; take good care” There’s always some relief in giving up.

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