“I will be there in a jiffy and please look as gorgeous as you can.”, HE said over the phone.
“I will be ready within no time but I guess you would make us late, since you are still not home” I commented.
“Ah! Stop pulling my legs and start with your work otherwise we will certainly get late.” HE chuckled.
“Yes Sir, over and out” and we hung up. So, I had to wait for him to pick me up from home.
We were to attend THE NEW YEAR’S EVE celebration and as usual my Mr. Perfect wanted me to be the most stunning lady in the whole lot so that HE might hear praises about HIS selection i.e, ME. I love this childish nature of his. In fact, I love everything about him. It was still three more hours left for HIM to return from HIS work.
While having breakfast in the morning HE had said, “Yaar, bohot din ho gaye Gajar ka Halwa nahi khaya.”, I had smiled back at HIS secret desire and had made a mental note about ‘Gajar ka Halwa’. And now it was time for Gajar ka Halwa. I hurried to the kitchen and quickly finished up with the cuisine. Feeling relaxed, I went to select something to put on for the night. Well, it was a difficult task to accomplish, I dialled HIS number and before I could say a ‘hello’, I heard HIM saying, “The black one”.
“How could you guess the reason of my call, so perfectly?” I was surprised
“Huh! Don’t waste time. I know it all.” HE cut the call.
I smiled back to myself. HE always made me feel awesome. I loved the feeling of smelling the essence of his presence even when he was not around me.
I got dressed in a black sari with light jeweleries, made a bun to accommodate my hair neatly with curled locks, lined my eyes with kohl, a light shade of eye shadow, light lipstick and there I was looking complete in the attire. There was still much time left for the party to begin. I knew HE would never be late. Finished with all the household chores of the day, I decided to go to the study room to grab something to read and wait for him.
As I was searching for a good book, I came across a painting in the bookshelf. A painting which had the words-“I had waited my whole life to fall in love with YOU”. A painting, which brought back memories from the past. A painting, which brought tears to my eyes. The days rolled back to my college days, the days rolled back to the day when I had first fallen in love…
“Where the mind is without fear, and the head is held high”, echoed the anchor’s voice on the stage. The whole group of new first year students were busy guessing what would come up next in the Fresher’s Welcome but I found myself getting into oblivion. The anchor was so tall that HIS height seemed never ending, fair complexion, smart specs, dressed in white t-shirt and blue jeans, unshaved face and had a dashing appearance. I stared at him, HE looked awesome. I didn’t even realise when the programme took up its pace and now it was time for us to introduce ourselves to the college mass. One by one the mike was being handed over to us and we were asked to perform the given task. Some had to sing, some had to say a particular dialogue and some were being teased without any reason. All for fun. And, now it was my turn. I introduced myself and HE gave me the task of singing a song. Well, I had never ever sung before but, then I felt something empowering me. I closed my eyes and begun…
If you miss the train I’m on
You will know that I am gone
You can hear the whistle blow
A hundred miles…
HE might not have realised but I know, I had sung that song for HIM. The programme came to an end and we returned to our hostel. I somehow, managed to know HIS name from one of our seniors and quickly dropped HIM a message on facebook thanking HIM for such a wonderful welcome. I slept peacefully recalling the event bit by bit and HIS voice still reverberating in my ears.
The next day as soon as I woke up, I logged in to my profile to see whether HE had replied or not. And yes, I found HIS reply in a very sophisticated note along with HIS friend request. Without wasting a moment, I accepted the long awaited friend request. I was overjoyed. I texted HIM back again to continue the conversation. Thus, started the saga of conversations. I used to enjoy whatever topic we discussed. We used to chat the whole day long till late at night. Those days, I used to be 24*7 online on facebook only for that one person as we had not exchanged numbers still and facebook was the only medium of communication between us.
One day I found a text from him:
Since it’s my Final year, I shall have to prepare for my M.Sc Entrance exams so I shall be deactivating my account very soon. Here is my number, if you face any academic problem you can ask for help.
I found that, very much annoying. I noted down the number and deactivated my account before HE could deactivate HIS. It had been one month since we were chatting and I was addicted to HIS messages and that thing quite pissed me off.
After a day I logged in again. HE was online.
HE: Hey, why the hell did you deactivate ur accnt???
ME: Jst lyk dat. I felt lyk dng it. No reason!
HE: Grt! Do watevr u feel lyk.
HIS texts described anger and I could read that. The thought, that at least HE cared for my presence made me happy inside.
When people around you find that you are having some kind of feelings for someone, they randomly tease you and start calling you names. And so was my case. Some of my friends and seniors had already begun teasing me with HIS name, which I used to find irritating and one day when my anger knew no bounds, I entered into a really bad argument.
Soon after that incident I had a text from HIM on facebook:
If u had so much problem then you could have told me, I could have handled it. There was no need of reacting in such a way.
Well, yes I had over-reacted and now it was time for apologies. I texted HIM on HIS number this time…
M sorry for that but I was really very angry. It was their mistake and I don’t have a habit of discussing my problems with anyone so, I didn’t tell you.
This incident turned our facebook chats into sms chats. I stopped being seen online on facebook anymore. Two months had passed by and yet WE had not met face to face after the Freshers’ welcome. We used to exchange thoughts only through sms.
ME: Do you like home made sweets? Wud u like to hv some?? :)
HE: Why not, if u don’t mind sharing. :) I love them.
My joy was at its peak. After so many days, at last I was meeting him. I hurriedly packed some of the sweets my mother had brought for me that day in the morning when she paid me a visit in the hostel, and went out without even giving a thought to the fact, that I was in my casuals and would get a scolding from the warden for not being in proper dress outside the hostel premises. I received a call from him.
“Where are you?”, HE asked.
“Outside my hostel. And where are you?”
“Just infront of the gate.”, HE said waving HIS hand.
We cut the call.
“So here you are. Take these.” I handed HIM the packet.
“THANK YOU”, HE greeted me.
“Toh kaise ho aap?” not knowing what to say more I uttered these stupid words.
“Mai bachpan se hi s*xy hu.” Was HIS reply which amused me and I switched on to cant-reply-anything-back mode.
We talked about unrelated things with lots of pauses and somewhere I knew I was falling for him.
One fine afternoon, I was busy texting HIM and suddenly HE stopped replying. HE was sleepy and I guessed HE fell asleep. That was the day I wanted to tell HIM what I felt for him, wanted to ask HIM whether HE felt the same for me or not. Summoning up all the courage, I sent HIM this:
I guess u slept. Well, I wanted to tell you something. I don’t know whether you would talk to me the same way after knowing it… but I can’t hold it any longer to myself. I LIKE YOU A LOT and in fact
I LOVE YOU.
Just after a minute the text was delivered, I received HIS reply. My heart skipped a beat as I clicked the view-button of my cell:
Dumbo! I like you too. I myself was about to tell you but since it’s my final year I didn’t do it. I can understand but u will have to wait till my exams get over as this is a very crucial time for me and I will not be able to give you time. Will you be able to wait?
I had never expected such a reply. It was neither positive nor negative but I was extremely happy that at least HE felt something for me. I meant something to him. I immediately replied back:
If my love for you is true it shall certainly help me to wait for u. You shall always find me by your side no matter what. So just chill and continue with your preparations. I shall be waiting for you as long as you wish.
I had tears rolling down my eyes. I came out of my room so that no one could see my teary eyes. I was feeling magical, the magic of the first love. I had decided not to tell anyone about our words and keep it a secret till HE gets committed to this relation, till HE gets HIS dream college for pursuing HIS Masters. My little heart was bubbling with joy on the start of our provisional relationship which was a secret between both of us, where in I used to say I LOVE YOU without any reply from him, where I was to be patient and wait for him.
It really becomes tough to have patience. Patience is ruled by one’s behaviour not the time he has in hands. I understood it all but still humans have a habit of making mistakes and so did I. Sometimes I used to feel that HE didn’t love me and waiting for HIM was going to be a waste. Somewhere deep down in my heart I used to feel that HE would simply brush HIS shoulders off me, but pushing all the negative thoughts aside I held on the string and continued with my waiting. We hardly met, maybe HE didn’t have time out of study or maybe HE didn’t like meeting me or maybe HE was afraid of rumours. The causes were unknown to me but it pained to see other couples dating all around. I did not wish to go on a date, or meet HIM daily but a loving reply from HIS side was what I wished for.
As days passed by I could sense that HE was getting busier and I dared not to disturb him. Situations grew more pathetic for me when HE stopped replying to my texts. Every ten texts of mine used to receive only one reply. Sometimes HE used to care and talked lovingly to me but those used to be rare cases. Once, early in the morning, we went on a bicycle ride and HE showed me all the important places around the town, but I heard nothing, remember nothing but a vision of HIM accompanying me on the smooth shiny roads of the town.
Someday, HE had told me that HE was foodaholic and so I made some pakoras for HIM, packed them in a lunch box and gave it to him. It wasn’t so tasty but still HE praised me for my skills.
Love had somewhat different definition for me. Love for me didn’t mean meeting, dating, holding hands and walking. It meant caring for each other no matter whatever happens, to be together no matter how much you fight. We didn’t talk much but when we used to, we fought like hell and had random war of words but, at the end either HE used to dub me immature and made things clear or I used to say sorry to him.
Finally, the day arrived when HE had to leave for Delhi for one month for his exams. HE texted me ‘Goodbye’ and I wished HIM luck. The whole one month we were in a no-contact-zone. Still, I had a hope that, my WAIT was going to have an end, a positive end. Waiting, now had become indeed tough. HE had deactivated HIS account too, no messages from HIM and no news of him.
I had few of HIS downloaded pictures from facebook and those used to be my cell’s wallpaper. I used to write a diary every night about how much I missed HIM each day and how much I loved HIM with each passing day. This had become the regular routine of mine and I loved it.
One month ended, it had been one week HE had arrived but we hadn’t met yet. I kept calm, but then it was too much for me to bear. Was one month not enough that HE was reacting that way?
I texted HIM that I wanted to meet him, talk to HIM but HE denied, not directly but HE always had some or the other excuses ready.
We had a bitter fight on that topic wherein HE mentioned quite clearly, “I had never been in a serious relationship before so I am confused about it.”
This was beyond my tolerance limits. What do you mean by that? Keeping someone on wait for such a long duration and then saying that you still need time to decide. Is it not being harsh on my part? I had no words left. I stopped texting him ‘cause now, I knew the reply was negative. I felt cheated, I felt devastated, and I felt so bad. I cried bitterly, but to no help. My feelings meant nothing to HIM. HE was being so selfish that HE still wanted me to talk to him, to be with HIM as I was before.
One day, HE called me for a morning walk, and I knew it was time to end all this ‘cause it was eating me up inside.
Early in the morning, we went for a walk. HE talked a lot that day, told me about how it was in Delhi and about HIS exam. I did not speak much. I wanted to tell HIM that this was our last meeting, the first and the last morning walk. After the walk, I gifted HIM two paintings which I had made when HE was in Delhi. HE loved them. I came back to my hostel.
Sometimes you achieve something for forever by losing it, by letting it go, by letting it live in your memories and by letting it inhale and exhale sweet fragrances accompanied with every breath of yours. I was now seeing love from this perspective. I wanted him to stay with me forever the way he was but at the same time I wanted him to love me back in the same way that I did. I wanted to hear his reasons for loving me, not the excuses for not being able to meet me. I wanted his willing attention, not his nonchalant ignorance. So skeptically, I decided to raise myself above the pain that patience had been giving me those days.
From that day, I started replying HIM rudely and ended up in a not-at-all-talking-to-him condition. We did not even exchange words after that. HE had performed well in HIS entrance and I congratulated HIM for that on facebook.
After so many days I received his call again,
“Can you come to the bus stand?” he inquired.
“No, sorry I can’t.”
“I want to return your lunch box.”
I remembered the lunch box in which I had served him the pakoras.
“I don’t want it back. Thank you.”
“I am leaving this place forever now. Please, can you come for the last time.”
He sounded sad and so I was, sad on hearing that.
Seeing nothing, I went to the stop to find HIM with HIS luggage, bidding goodbye to all. I took my box from HIM, congratulated him and shook hands. Shaking hands- HIS first touch.
‘Congratulations’- was the word which came out of my mouth but inside I was screaming ‘please don’t go, I love you still’. I somehow managed to hold back my words and my tears as well, and rushed back to my hostel as I didn’t want to see HIM leave. . I had tears rolling down my eyes..
The painting fell from my hand.
“How dare you touch my gifts?”, HE enquired picking it up and putting it back carefully into the shelf, “my wife should not meddle with the gifted to me by my girlfriend. These are preserved memories of us.”
HE wiped the tears which were about to roll down my cheeks.
I did not even come to know about HIS arrival.
“What’s so special about it? I can make few more such sketches again for you. And moreover I paint better now than I used to paint during those college days.” I commented shrugging my shoulders and raising my eyebrows.
“Well, I guess you know the answer. Let’s pay attention here ‘cause now you appear more beautiful to me than this marvellous painting.” HE admired trying to tuck my locks behind my ear and holding me by my arms.
“Yes I know.” I said confidently “Hey! Would you like to have some Gajar ka Halwa? I made it for you”, making a weak attempt to free myself from his hold but he would not let me go and neither I wanted to leave.
“I would love to taste but let me first taste something …”
My heart skipped a number of beats and I stammered, “N….no, please.” I shut HIM putting my finger on his lips, “Ahaan…You will ruin my lipstick and I will have to put it again.”
I could feel the warmth of HIS grip around my waist. HE pulled me closer, kissed my finger on his lips looking into my eyes which was enough to intoxicate me with HIS love.
“But, it’s my pleasure to ruin it you know, and your duty to put it again….” HE winked an eye at me and I smiled back, blushing, breaking the eye contact and making no moves.