Dear Anindita ,
I Love You…
I know that these three words might sound like the most aberrant statement that can come out of me and my ungrateful, pathetic and horrendous self. And believe me I feel the same hatred for me as you feel it for me .I can literally hear you screaming,
“15 years, 5475 days, 2 decades – no letters, no correspondence, and no communication and after all this you say I love you.
And after all the hardships , the difficulties , the pain , those tears , that void in my life , leaving me to rot and pass into oblivion and you say I love you”
As I visualize these words coming out of you, believe me I feel the pain ten times more than what I have inflicted upon you. I feel that pain, the burden of my sins, the slimy and pain ridden voice of my incorrigible and deceitful character. I feel that pain now.
I feel that screech paralyzing my ears that screech, that intense brutality of my words. These are the same words that I lay so mercilessly on you, damaging your mental self.
I feel that stinging numbness , that numbness , that pain , that sting , that pain which I laid upon you . I feel the atrocity of the first slap that I gave you , Or the horrid beating that I lay upon the night of our 2nd second anniversary . I still remember that, I came back home drunk, filled to the brim with my worthless alcohol. You lay asleep on the sofa, slept while waiting for me for 7 hours. You had prepared that favorite chicken curry of mine, ornamental with butter and glowing toppings. I saw and I Don’t know what got into me , but my drunk and notorious alter ego dragged me to you and I beat you . I beat you mercilessly, painfully and monstrously. Blood profusely pouring out of every single inch of your body and I was so drunk in my own immoral self that I just stood there emotionless , like a circus monkey , who is waiting for the cue of his master.
In the morning when it all came back to me, I saw myself lying on the floor. Mrs.Sen informed me later that the guard had taken you to the hospital. I think the date was 8th august 1999. I still remember it! That was the day I got to know that I was to become a father and the last night I had killed my own child.
I know that these lines might have brought out the horrific memories of our diseased past. It must have brought that everlasting pain and overwhelming sadness which haunted you, your whole life just because of me. I know words cannot subside or even console the extreme grief you have faced and I know that no sort of apology can even be close to what pain – stricken scars I have left on you.
And I won’t even try to. But I can say this, that today when I am at the last hour of my life. Yes, yes Anindita I lay on my death bed. I have realized one thing that whatever sins you may have committed or whatever worthless life one might have led, but in the end only one thing stays impenetrable, just one feeling stays universal and that is love. In my death bed I feel that it is those small moments of love, generosity and warmth that keep us alive in front of death. It is this love that gives life to life. It is this axiom of love that stays perennial. And it is in this moment, that I would not like to present any futile apology but would just like to say,
I Love You…