LLC04: Undelivered love letter

 

8 May, 1995, Goa

Goa; a perfect place for rejuvenation and that’s where I planned a trip with Mahesh and Ravi, to celebrate my birthday. But I have landed here alone, since both of them are busy with different engagements, I have come here on the scheduled date and waiting for them to join me tomorrow.

I leased a guesthouse, located at Calangute beach, aspiring to enjoy the best of Goa’s scenic highlights. The guesthouse was owned by Miss Roy and with assistance of a caretaker, Hariram.

I was quiet amazed with the kind of hospitality I received. Hariram was very sincere in displaying the best of the hospitality one could expect in a guesthouse. He narrated stories about the mistress while I enjoyed the fish curry he prepared for dinner last night.

I was zapped to hear about how this girl managed her father’s properties and business, just like a son. It was indeed commendable.

Did I ever think of a celebrating a birthday alone? But I guess this has been the best birthday ever. I think coming to Goa alone was a boon in disguise.

Well this is how and this is what happened…

As I watched the beautiful sea right outside the window, I saw a yellow ball rise out of the waters like how a pearl shows up when the shell is opened. As the sun rose I was tempted to have a walk along the shore.

I spoke to Hariram, told him what I wanted for breakfast and told him it was my birthday. I also told him that I wanted to celebrate this event at home, and where I would get a cake. Later, I expressed my eagerness to meet his mistress whom he praises so much. He said she was out for her morning stroll. I walked out of the guesthouse in anticipation that I will get to meet the lady on my return. I think I probably needed company to celebrate my birthday. I was excited that I had decent company to celebrate my birthday, but I wish that I had my friends coming along who landed up cancelling their plans last minute.

The most important reason as to why I am writing this, I need to express my love to that special person who has made my day very special. And this special feeling might not only last for the year, but might last forever in my mind, as fresh as it is now.

For that special person

……………………………………

“My love,

I have finally fallen in love, for the first time, ever.  You have walked into an empty heart that is ready to welcome love.

When the clocked ticked 12, and I wished myself on my birthday, I think the angels were waiting for me make a wish. I wished to find a life partner soon; I wished to find the girl who was to light up my world and bring happiness in my empty home where my parents have given up on me as they are unable to find a suitable match for me.

I woke up with the same thoughts in my head. And just when I began preparing my plan of action to accomplish this very important task, you walk in. You walk in like an angel who brings with her blessings of happiness from the lord.

You are blessed with beauty so unbearable and drove me to heaven, by offering a glimpse of eternity that I could remember for a lifetime. The entire incident comes alive every single time I recollect the unbelievable episode. You were wearing a pair of red shorts, a white top with your slippers in your hands.

I wonder how did you land up right in front of the guesthouse, do you also live around here?

My first glance at you left me dumbstruck. I was awestruck and I had a series of questions that I wanted to walk up to you and ask. That first glance at you and my heart desired a long walk to remember along the beach, filling in the gaps between your fingers and singing praises about your beauty.  I began to imagine that I am gawking at your bewitching beauty beside the warmth of a campfire.

And when you returned the stare back at me you captured me irresistibly and my heart burnt. It burnt in flames of love, and ached to share the pleasure of love with you. I kept looking at you, as if I had never seen a woman before. But you were just not the usual kind.

I began checking you out. Looked at your dark blue eyes, they were as deeper than the treacherous sea. I was unknowingly hypnotized and began sailing into the open waters as I disappeared in the mesmerized atmosphere created by your magnetic blue eyes. The spell broke when your eyes slipped a sly blink and there I found myself in unclaimed charters.

My eyes ran down to your rosy lips. They looked like two rose petals settled on your creamy coat of skin. A fiery passion ran down my body when I imagined how I would feel when the velvet rose petals would gently run down my cheeks and slowly down my body.

I was enjoying this mystical sight, but the sudden gush of wind disrupted the amazing view. I was irritated at natures play but then I began thanking it, when I glanced at your silky soft hair. The wind held them aloft with a few shades like those of the wings of a moth. Your hair made silent shadows and wavy lines that moved in patterns that I could not define. I imagined myself holding the radiant and dazzling strands of your hair in my hands and they are slipping off my hands like the way sand slips off the hand.

As you walked closer to me, I stood tranquilized and convinced that it’s impossible that any other experience could be compared what I was going through when I was staring at you. I repeatedly pinched myself as I was experiencing something so real, delightful that it all looked like a dream.

I have travelled the world, but I have never seen something so beautiful. As I heard your seductive voice, the prepossessing personality of yours drove me crazier. I was hypnotized again like how the Bagpiper hypnotizes people with his tunes. I was drunk in your beauty; beauty that I had never seen before. It seemed as if the secret nerve of my heart began answering to the vibrations of your beauty. This entire delusion that you created helped me realize that Lord had gifted me eyes to see the beauty that I saw in you and I happened to realize that this is the most beautiful thing because you are a part of it. I had witnessed the shadow of God of the universe. I ascribe your beauty, that which is simple; has no superfluous parts; which stands related to all changes in my body happening right now.

I am turning into a poet I guess. Your love is turning me into a poet. So here is a poetic version of my confession of love to you……

Hold my hand and lead the way,

Pouring out all your deep thoughts,

In your soft voice, whispering swiftly into my ear,

Kiss my lips and touch my skin, to bring out passion deep within,

Throw away all my sorrows and mourning, in to the thick darkness of the night,

I’ve been in this custody for years, break the walls and enter my heart.

Hold my hand and let me out, release my soul held deep within…

Let love begin!

This would be an ideal proposal. Alas! I am writing it down rater than sharing it verbatim with you.

But my restless heart has certain questions that need to be answered.

Is there really such a thing as love at first sight? And if there is, then I am madly in love with you. When I first saw you, I was thinking if it was love or lust, but I believe there can be a mystical experience of unity that accompanies the mere sight of the beloved for the first time.  Perhaps there is a sense of déjà vu triggered by having known this person in a prior lifetime.  Perhaps at first sight your “other half” pulls you toward him like the opposite poles of a magnet. Of course, sexual attraction for the other is part of “the chemistry”, something that I have spoken a lot about, adds its flavor to the overall gestalt, but it is not the only ingredient in love at first sight.

When I returned from the shore, I was just looking at the blue waters and remembering every second of the incident. I was visualizing us together happy. I believe that our souls descended from heaven to earth, divided, and I have met my soul mate for “the first time” in this lifetime, which is a sort of reunion. 

I am experiencing a visceral or “gut” feeling that tells me, this is the girl I want in life. I was amidst a mixture if feelings, the feeling of being loyal, consistent, candid, trustworthy, considerate, empathetic, tolerant, beneficent, and being there, for you, committed to you, for the rest of my life. I could definitely call this first acquaintance as the beginning of a life-long commitment.

I was distracted by a conversation. I heard Hariram talk to a lady, and I guessed it was Miss Roy. She had a lovely voice and I was deeply attracted to the voice I heard, I felt I knew that girl, and as if I have heard her before. If were to match her voice with a visual of people I knew, I think I would say that her voice matched the girl I have fallen in love with. I was curious to run down and see for myself. But then before I could solve the puzzles in my head, the conversation seemed to have ended. I ran down the stairs but I guess I was late enough. It was Miss Roy indeed, but she had left, the minute I landed downstairs.

My eyes fell on the dinning table where there was a cake, flowers and a hand written message. Hariram said that Miss Roy had left the message for me and that she could not wish me as she was in a hurry to go for some business to Pune. I was delighted to see the cake and the happy birthday message written for me.

I enjoyed the rest of the evening with tasty tangles of Hariram’s cooking and heard stories that he was curious to narrate to me.

I think it was one the most unique ways to celebrate a birthday. Though I missed my friends a lot and it would have been better of they were there today with me. But my angel made up for it, she gifted me love on this very special day.

 

12 May 1995

Finally our stay in Goa is getting over tonight. We have had so much fun. As we have set ourselves for departure from this place, I am reminded of a Jewish proverb says, “No matter what happens a travel gives you a story to tell”.

And this is proverb seems like my story right now. This travel has a story to my life, an experience that I will cherish for years to come.

But in your alluring thoughts, I forgot that even the sun sets in paradise….

There is a saying that, some birds are not meant to be caged. Their feathers are too bright; their songs are too sweet and wild. So we need to let them go, or when you open the cage to feed them they somehow fly out past you. And the part of you that knows it was wrong to imprison them in the first place rejoices, but still, the place where you live is that much more drab and empty for their departure.

If I could ask one last wish it would be you and to tell you how much I love you. You were just like the star that fell from the sky into my hands, seeped into, my veins and swims inside my blood and become every part of me. And when I want to be with you, it time foe me to put you back into the sky. It’s the most painful thing I’ll ever have to do. But, I believe that, what’s yours is yours, whether it’s up in the sky or here in your hands. And one day, you’ll fall from the sky into my hands again.

For now, I am letting you go, in anticipation that I will see you again and spend the rest of my life with you and if the phrase that hearts connect, then I shall have you beside my love.

……….

 

“ Deepa”, “I have been looking for you my child, what are you doing?” Hariram entered the room with a glass of milk.

“I’ll drink it Hariram, can you please leave this here.”

As Hariram began to leave the room, Deepa ;( Miss Roy), “Whose diary is this? I found it on the table here.”

“Oh, this Mr. Udit Agarwal’s diary, the gentleman who had taken the guesthouse for lease last week, for whom you had bought the cake. I am sorry I left it here; I actually had to pack it up. I had called him up, reminding him to take his diary. I’ll courier it to him today.”

“This letter was written for me Udit, why was it not given to me?”

Deepa, sat on the bed, crying, staring at the diary.

“ What happened my child? What is bothering you? Why are you crying?”

“ Baba, I was reading the love letter Udit has written. He has written it for a girl whom he didn’t realize was me.”

Deepa, took out the Happy Birthday message she had written for Udit from his diary that was kept as a book mark.

“But why are you crying? Are you sure this guy loves you? You have gone through a lot of trouble in your life. You need to be sure what you are thinking?”

“Baba, I have read the entire letter and his diary note. I have spent my entire life searching for love. But I have never been successful. And I have always learnt that all my relationships have been murdered by ego, attitude and ignorance. I have finally found someone who loves me and wants me in his life, and this itself is a gift in itself. I am thankful to God that true love has found me.”

Hariram wiping his tears; “Today if your father was alive, he would have been the happiest man in the world.

Here, take his number.”

 

Deepa dials the number,….

“Hello,”….

After a long pause.. “Udit?”

“Yes, this is Udit Agarwal”…

“Hi,………

this the girl in red shorts, white top whom you met at the Calangute beach”……..

__END__