Story of First Love – Everything About You
Photo credit: hotblack from morguefile.com
You looked at me for the first time.
You were nothing. You were one of those faces in the crowd which I wouldn’t have glanced twice at. You were just one of them. One of us. Trying to fit in the crowd without losing yourself.
There has always been so much hype about the ‘first times.’ People sigh and moan and gush about their firsts. Their first look. Their first meet. Their first kiss. They always say that their first encounter was fate. They were destined to meet and they were meant to fall in love. They recognized their soulmate at the first meet itself. But that wasn’t the case with you and me.
When I saw you for the first time, I didn’t fall head-over-heels in love with you. Falling for you wasn’t a masterstroke of the universe. I didn’t fall in love with you blindly and effortlessly. It was a process which happened slowly and gradually. People describe love as a bed of roses, conveniently omitting the part about their thorns. Falling for you was one of the hardest things I had ever done. I had to tread carefully, walk slowly, take risks which I knew I would regret in the future. So forgive me if I don’t believe that I accidentally fell in love with you.
Loving you was my hardest and most deliberate choice. And when I chose you, I knew that it was most certainly the right one. I hadn’t left that choice up to the Gods, I had made it myself. So I knew that be it in heaven or hell, in this lifetime or the next one, I would pick you, I would choose you and I would fall in love with you. Over and over again.
You spoke to me for the first time. I snapped at you in return. I was engrossed in my favourite book and you chose that very moment to bug me with some stupid question.
“Excuse me, which way is Building B?”
“I am busy.” I snapped instinctively.
You must have been taken aback by my response. You hadn’t been living here for long and so the people in the neighbourhood were trying their best to be polite with you. They would patiently guide you to whatever destination you wanted. I hope you knew though, that this wouldn’t last for long. I hope you knew that people don’t show all their shades in the initial meets. You need time to really get to know them. I hope you didn’t judge them or me by our first impressions. I must have been the first one to have refused help to you. In my defence, you ought to have known better than to disturb someone reading the then newly released Harry Potter novel. I heard your footsteps fade away and felt momentarily guilty for being rude.
Today I wish I had been nicer to you. Today I wish our first conversation had been about something more memorable. Today I wish I had got to spend few more seconds with you, create more memories with you. But how was I supposed to know? How was I supposed to know that every moment with you was something I would need to hold on to? How was I supposed to know that your memories would be all that I would have left with me?
You smiled at me for the first time. It was a smile of recognition. It was a smile which showed that I was more than just a stranger in the crowd for you now. I was someone you knew. I acknowledged your smile and smiled back in response. Today I look back and wonder whether you had regretted smiling at me. It wasn’t such a big gesture but it was the start of something. There is this common misunderstanding that the greatest love stories begin with grand, flowing gestures. But ever so often, it takes little moments like a smile or even a simple ‘hi’ to lead to an eternity of bliss. If you had known that this simple gesture would turn into something so damn complicated, would you still have done it? Would you still have taken the risk if you had been aware of its consequences? Would you still have fallen for me if you knew I wasn’t strong enough to catch you?
You chatted with me for the first time. It was our first real conversation. What started out as formal chat about the weather and the neighbourhood gradually blossomed into effortless laughter. Talking with you was as natural as breathing. Right from the minute I started talking to you, I knew that I could be completely myself. I knew you wouldn’t judge me for that. You spoke what came to your mind. You were straightforward and honest without being rude. You played no mind-games. With you, I didn’t have to think about what my appropriate response should be. Talking to you was like giving a rest to the filter in my mind.
That was the first thing I liked about you. No, I’m not talking about your genuine, honest nature or your instantly likeable personality or your wacky sense of humor. I am talking about me. Of course I am talking about myself, yet again. I am too self-involved to have deserved a kind-hearted person like you, I always knew that. The first thing I liked about you were none of your traits. It was the person I became when I was with you. Like they say, I love you not for what you are but for what I am, when I am with you.
You teased me for the first time. We were way past the barrier of formality now. You were completely relaxed around me as was I. I was wearing a black and yellow dress which I had recently purchased. The dress made me look slim and elegant, everything which I was not. And so I was purposefully smoothing it and stroking it while talking to you. I was trying my hardest to draw your attention to it. You were too thick-skinned to notice. Or maybe you were just smart enough to ignore me.
Either way, I remember asking you directly when you were going to compliment me on my dress. You raised an eyebrow at my bold move. I simply ran my fingers through my hair as I told you that the hot guy living opposite to me had told me I resembled Audrey Hepburn in this dress. I was trying to invoke a feeling of jealousy in you. You burst out laughing at this statement. You told me between laughs that black and yellow reminded you less of Audrey Hepburn and more of a taxi. I remember staring at you open-mouthed in shock as you laughed at your own joke.
After recovering from my initial speechless state, I spent the rest of the day pointedly ignoring you. You however took no notice of my anger and continued chattering nonstop like always. Did I ever tell you that you talked way too much? Well, yes you did. You seemed to ask your own questions and frame your own answers. At the end of the day however, as I was retreating home in a huffy state, you followed me. You leaned in from behind me and whispered in my ear that I looked absolutely beautiful today. You added that you didn’t think it was necessary to compliment my dress because the dress wasn’t the one making me look beautiful. It was the other way round. And just like that you were gone. I watched you saunter away, whistling the song which you knew I hated. I watched you walk away casually like you hadn’t just taken my heart away with you.
You defended me for the first time. We were talking with a group of guys from our neighbourhood. This wasn’t the kind of company that could be termed as decent. Your expression told me that you disapproved of my choice of “friends”. I was fighting to be the centre of attention, like I always did. I was shamelessly flirting with the guys, narrating quirky incidents and laughing coyly at the jokes. Basically the conversation was all about me, just the way I liked it. Wow that makes me sound like a total b##ch, doesn’t it? But I hope you knew that this had always been my defence mechanism. I liked being in the centre of the noise. It was as if the voices around were so loud that they helped to drown the inner voice in my head. From the way you were looking at me, I think you knew it. I think you knew that I had just fought bitterly with my family at home and now I was trying to drown my pain in the laughter. Which is why I was avoiding your intense stare. I knew that looking into your concerned eyes would make me break down, right then and there.
Maybe I was being too much of an easy target because one of the guys passed some sleazy comment about me. I laughed along with everyone else, ignoring the pain throbbing in my chest. You, however, didn’t react in the same way. You walked towards the guy until you could bore your eyes in him intensely. And you spoke in a voice which I had never heard before. “If you ever speak to her like that again, I will strangle you with my bare hands.” I couldn’t believe it. You were threatening him. You were actually siding with me. You were usually the one who teased me the most but today you were on my side.
How did you know? How did you know that your teasing made me happy whereas his words had hurt me deeply? How did you spot the agony in my laughter, which I myself was unaware of? You turned around to look at me. Your eyes looked disappointed. They seemed to say,” What are you doing with these people? I thought you are better than that.” I quickly averted my eyes from your stare. That was one of the worst feelings I had ever experienced. I made my mind that very instant that I wouldn’t fail you again. I wouldn’t disappoint you ever again. Little did I know that I was about to break my promise. Too soon.
You fought with me for the first time. I wanted to go to a party. I wanted to drink to forget. I wanted to mix up with random people who couldn’t care less about me. I wanted to lose myself in the crowd. You told me I was being a coward. You told me that every time things got tough, my only solution was running away. You told me that I was better than this, that I needed to face the problem for once. You were right. Of course you were right and I knew it. But my ego was too huge to admit that. I told you that you were only saying this because you were anti-social. I told you that you shouldn’t always be so boring. That you needed to loosen up some more. You shook your head at me in response. You walked towards the door without another word. You turned around before leaving. “This is not you. You are too good for this.” You told me before leaving. “You’re lost. Find yourself before it’s too late.”
As I watched you leave with tears streaming down my cheeks, I realized that I had fallen in love with you. It’s funny how a realization which is supposed to be the happiest moment of your life could hurt this bad. I fell down on my knees, sobbing my heart out as I realized you were all that I didn’t deserve. The tears continued to pour down my cheeks until that dreaded phone call. Until the call which told me that I had lost you forever. The call which told me that one accident had been all that it had taken for us to separate forever. The call which told me that the last thing you felt for me was pure disappointment and the last thing I felt for you was the kind of love you could never get over.
You looked at me for the last time. I will never forget the instant quickening of my heartbeats, even in the middle of the quarrel. It was that moment when I fell in love. Not just with you but with myself. I could see myself in your eyes. I could see the broken, lost girl and I wanted to be the one to fix her. I memorized every single detail of your face and couldn’t help wondering how it took so long for me to realize my feelings for you. I looked into those molten brown eyes framed with long thick eyelashes, at the locks of messy hair falling haphazardly over your forehead, at the firm jaw and the beautifully carved cheekbones, at the lips which I longed to feel against mine. I looked at you and wondered how I hadn’t fallen for something so beautiful, both inside and out, at the first meet itself. I wondered how I had walked through so many crowds without recognizing this face. As I watched you leave, my breath got stuck in my throat with the words left unspoken.
I never got a chance to tell you how much you meant to me. I never got a chance to tell you that you had changed me, for the better. I never got a chance to apologize for the times when I hurt you. And so here I am, trying to spend the rest of my life, making it up to you. You would be so proud of me today. I want you to know that I am trying my hardest to improve my relationship with my family. You have taught me that it’s never too late to show your love for someone. And so I am trying to be a better daughter for their sake. I am trying to spend more time with them. I don’t want their last memory of me to be bitter words and slammed doors. I am pursuing a career in writing. I know how you have always encouraged me for writing and so my first novel is dedicated to you. It’s currently in the process of getting rejected by several publishers but I am trying my best. I am not running away this time. I have joined a Zumba class, a painting class and a tennis class. It keeps me busy and occupied and helps to drown the agony more effectively than alcohol. I am on the path of becoming a better person. I am on the path of rediscovering myself and it’s all because of you. Everything I do is only and only for you.
You looked at me for the last time. You were nothing. And then you were everything.
–END–
