A Love Crucified

“How big I am?” When I look for the sacrifices I made for the ones who love me. It really makes me feel proud of myself. It was a sacrifice of love for love.

Have you ever seen a kid resolute to get what he wants or not giving his belongings to someone else? He has an intense like for that so he cannot sacrifice his comfort, satisfaction and passion for it. Even if his parents ask him to do so he either does not listen to them or treats them as his enemy. This is when we are kids, when the mind is not powerful, when the desire overpowers our understanding. Ah! But now I was a grown up and as a grown up boy my mind was above my heart, I needed to do what I was expected to not what I loved to.

“What love seeks, is love
What I did, was for love
What I got was love
A love, for which I sacrificed my love.”

Rose, as I used to call her was synonymous to her personality though her real name was not Rose. Her beauty was symbolic to the feathers of a white pigeon. Her eyes deep as sea, her skin shining as mirror, her black long silky hair, her stirring voice… she was in brief an angel on earth for me.

The happy days started when I was in second year of my graduation. I was enjoying with my friends at my tuitions. A girl with her face covered in black scarf entered the classroom. She occupied a seat in the first row and uncovered her face. I was sitting in the last row with two of my friends. All of us wanted to have a look of her but couldn’t see because she didn’t look back. Before we could do something mischievous our teacher came in and started the lecture. My mind was roaming somewhere near to her movements.

I was literally staring her from the back. She had long beautiful hair tied properly with a white coloured ribbon. I was able to see her side face and her small golden earrings with white pearls. I was drearily looking at my wrist watch to know the time for the class to be over. When the lecture was over, all of us anxiously waited for that girl to turn, so that we could have a look of her beauty. Our dreams shattered as she had a lot of pimple spots on her face. We went to have tea at the nearby shop. All of my friends made fun of each other for what happened at the coaching class. We shared pleasantries and departed. While I was on my way back home, I still had her face, her attractive face in my mind. I never knew what was that which pulled me towards her beauty. I parked my ranger bicycle and went to my room.

Next morning when I went to the class I found her standing outside the coaching. She came earlier as I. There was no one else. She smiled and came towards me. There was a sense of fear in my heart. She greeted me by introducing herself and I also replied in the same manner. We started talking about the syllabus and the exams. The other students also came and joined us for the discussion. Our teacher was absent that day so the class was cancelled. It was one of my friend Amit’s Birthday so we decided to have a party there itself. The girls also stayed on the request of Amit. We had a gala time that day. As time passed on the group at my coaching institute turned into a very informal and closed one. We all used to enjoy for hours together after the class.

“We are at last humans
A human, who seeks friends
A human, who has a heart
A human, who can fall in love.”

I never knew when I started liking her. I always used to think about her, wanted to see her at least once a day, wanted to hear her sweet voice, wanted to take her away from others, and what not. My days were with her dreams and so were my nights. The situation became pretty difficult for me to manage as I was unable to convey my feelings to her. When in group I sometimes used to envy my friends because of her close interaction with them. I didn’t like her talking to someone else as her voice belonged to me, I felt like killing her when she used to laugh with others as her smile was for me, I didn’t want her to be touched as she was mine, only mine.

“I was a true friend
Till she made me envious.
I wasn’t a bad guy
Till love made me jealous”

It was a cold Saturday morning. As usual we were all gathered in front of our coaching class with plans for the day. Rohit proposed to go for a picnic on the next day. All of them were excited with the idea except me. I was a bit reluctant to go for a picnic. The reason was not that I didn’t like the idea, but it was the fear that Rose will be there enjoying with others, which I was not ready to accept. All of them except Rose tried a lot to get my consent but I gave some excuses to negate their request. I wanted her to say once for coming to the picnic but she didn’t speak anything. My heart filled with bitterness and I went home.

I was totally occupied with the thought of missing an opportunity to be with Rose. Nearly at 8:00 PM the phone bell rang and my mother called me for attending the phone. The voice on the other side was the music from the nightingale. I was speechless to hear her talking to me. I got back to my senses and listened to what she was to say. To my surprise she laid a condition that she will go for picnic only if I was coming. What else could a fish out of water waiting for death expect? What else could the almighty gift to me? I was on the top of the world weaving dreams for the next day. I was unable to sleep the whole night. My mind was full of plans to propose Rose. I thought of taking a gift for her but was helpless as it was too late and we were to move early morning the next day.

I got up very early and dressed myself well. It was, I believe the first time in my life that I had taken that much time to get ready. Every second moment I was in front of the mirror giving myself another look. As per the plan we all gathered at the decided place. She was looking a real beauty in her new jeans and topper. I wanted to praise her beauty but the words were insufficient to do justice. We all planned to go by our own vehicles rather than hiring a bus. The irony was that I did not have any vehicle. Rose came forward to help me out. She asked me to drive her new white coloured Kinetic. I thanked God for the first time for not having any vehicle. I was happy as it was Rose sitting behind me.

We reached the picnic spot. All of us were full of joy. The climate was too cool. We carried our belongings inside the park near the river. We started playing various group games we had prepared, while enjoying some delicious eatables. One of our friends switched on the tape recorder and all except me started dancing. Being shy and introvert I decided to stay back from that activity. I was keenly observing Rose dancing with a glittering smile on her face. She didn’t notice me for some time. A sense of jealousy filled me.

I quitted that place and went along the river far enough to be isolated from my group. I was sitting at the bank of the river, throwing pebbles in the still water. I saw a reflection in the water as someone was standing behind me. I turned back to recognize the blurred image seen in the water. It was Rose standing by my side. She sat near me and started playing with grass on the ground. There was an impression of seriousness on her face. She asked me an odd question which I never thought of.

“What is beauty according to you?”

I laughed and asked her, “Is everything all right?”

She with a dull face said, “Yes”.

I was a bit skeptic about her behavior. I started replying to her question while looking towards the other side of the river. “For me beauty is God’s drawing. It is mere perception of humans which creates the differences between the beautiful and the ugly. The basis of all real personal beauty is benevolently, sympathetically and humanely bearing a desire to scatter sunshine and happiness everywhere, and this shining through the face makes it beautiful. The longing and the effort to be beautiful in character cannot fail to make life beautiful.”

She was staring at me. To make the environment light I smiled and said that this was only what I had read. She didn’t move by my efforts to push the topic to something else. She asked in a rusty voice, “Am I beautiful?”

A chill went through my spine with the three words entering in my ears. I was speechless. The lack of my response threw a cover of inferiority complex on her face.

In a stammering voice I said, “I didn’t get you, I mean what is …….”

She repeated those painful words in a bold gesture. I read her face. She was adamant to know the answer. It was an angel asking me to describe her beauty.

I said, “Have you heard of a golden principle from Antoine Berryer?”

She waived her head to assert “no” as her answer.

I continued, “He said that there are no ugly women. There are only women who do not know how to look pretty.”

I saw pearls coming out of her eyes. It was Rose crying by my side. I understood her feelings. In a sympathetic voice I tried to console her. She told me how people commented on her looks as she has got some dark spots on her face. It was really difficult for me to make her believe that she was really beautiful. She was full of inferiority complex. I told her that beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder.

I said, “You are so beautiful that anyone will fall in love with you.”

She confronted my opinions and asked me,” It’s easy to talk like that, will you be my boyfriend?”

I didn’t believe what my ears heard. I was in a state of oblivion. It was my dream calling me. It was Rose asking me to be her boyfriend.

I took hold of her hand and said, “You will not believe that I am in love with you from the day I saw you for the first time but due to some fears I didn’t convey my feelings to you. You are the most beautiful girl for me. You possess a beauty of character. You impressed me as the supreme embodiment of majestic attributes. For me any type of mere physical beauty would have paled to insignificance by your side. A love for the beautiful has a cleansing, softening and elevating influence upon a person which other things cannot provide.”

I saw her smiling face wet with tears. While I was playing with the golden ring in her little finger she said shyly, “ I love you.”

The words themselves were music to my ears. I replied, “ I love you too Rose.”

She was shocked to hear that name. “Who is Rose?”

I explained the whole story about her new name which I gifted to her that day. Our other friends came there searching for us. All of us drove back towards our homes.

While departing from Rose that night I felt like I had won the whole universe.

“The night exceedingly dark
And the climate deadly cold
I was extremely shy
And she excessively bold

The winds whirling high
And streets virtually lonesome
She looked actually beautiful
And I hopefully handsome.

Her eyes were notorious
And mine truly innocent
Her expressions awfully naughty
And my gestures pretty decent.”

It was really difficult for me to say her goodbye but I slowly left her hand free. We greeted each other “goodnight” and went home.

I spent a sleepless night wondering how God had bestowed his blessings on me. I started loving everything around me. The pleasant feeling of love made me a happy guy.

It was now a regular fashion that I and Rose used to be together always. Even in our tuition class we started sitting together. Our friends were not aware of our relationship. Every day we used to walk together for kilometers holding our hands while talking. Rose had a younger brother and parents in her family. We were well aware of the likes and dislikes of each other.

It so happened a day that Rose didn’t turn up at the class. I was really poignant that day. Even during the class hours my mind was wandering around the thought why Rose didn’t come that day. I felt the classroom as a free bird caught in a cage. As soon as the class was over I went to the nearby STD booth and called her number. My heart was galloping like a horse. Her servant picked up the phone and told that she was not at home. I was really sad to hear those pinching words. The day was the longest I had ever experienced. I was eagerly waiting for the next day to see Rose.

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