Everett sat up in his chair. “Hi, my name is Everett, and I’m a super villain.”
“Hi Everett.”
“It’s been 22 years since I hung up the cloak of Captain Autonomy, and gave up my membership to I’m Nasty International…”
No one applauded.
“I miss it sooo much!” Said Everett, wringing his hands. “The good old days, bringing rise to the free market, free trade, ruling the World Bank and unleashing the hounds of Capitalism, pure evil rising out of every Western stock market, McDonalds opening their first branch in Moscow…it was all mine! Ah, I am a beautiful, evil, economic genius! I maybe here, but at least my legacy will live on…”
“Er,” said Bernie intervening. “We are not here to glorify villainy, Everett. We are here to reflect on our misdoings, and make amends to those we may have hurt. The first step towards accepting personal evil is knowing you are the problem!”
“Yes, I know, Bernie!”
“OK.” Bernie paused. “How are you coming along with that, Everett?”
“Well, I’m busy making lists and writing letters of amends to every occupant of India, Africa and other nations I successfully conspired to economically rape and destroy…but it’s a long process. So far, no one has got back to me.”
“Keep going!” Said Bernie smiling. “Well done!”
“Whatever.” Grumped Everett.
“Do you have anything else you would like to share?”
“No.”
“Does anyone want to comment on Everett’s progress?”
Unsurprisingly, no one cared.
“OK,” said Bernie, moving his eyes about the group. “Jim! Your turn.”
Jim sat up like an attentive puppy. “Hi, my name is Jim, and I’m a super villain.”
“Hey Jim.”
Nancy found this hard to believe. Her interest soared.
“It’s been nine months today since I masked up and lashed out on the world.”
There was a ripple of applause.
“Thank you. Thank you.” Said Jim, beaming, taking a little bow.
“Hang on,” said Nancy shuffling in. “Can I ask questions?” She turned to Jim. “Is that, you know, cool?”
“Fire away!” Said Jim smiling.
She could not hide her disbelief. “You are a super villain? Like, what did you do? Optimize people to death?”
“Well,” said Jim smirking. “Yes! I was born with an incredibly positive and overly motivated attitude. I’m different from everyone else. My grandfather was born this way, and his father before him. It skipped dad, but it got me. Long, long, long story short, my Mum found my boundless up-beat energy too much to cope with. I drove her crazy!”
“Go figure,” added Everett. One look from Bernie was enough to silence him again.
Jim continued. “Mum begged me to stop giving her life advice, to be more helpless like other kids, be less relentlessly positive about everything, but I couldn’t help it. So she left when I was 11. My dad always blamed me, well, lets just say we didn’t see eye to eye. I reminded him of his father, and he hated his father.”
“That’s really sad,” said Nancy. “But, you did nothing wrong.”
“No. I never went out of my way to be evil; somehow it just worked out that way. Dad kicked me out as soon as was legally possible, so I moved to California and decided to show him that I could fit in with the world, and if not, the world was jolly-well going to fit in with me! So, I started to give a few motivational seminars and talks about my life, and before I knew it, I was attracting millions of people! They followed me like I was a messiah! All I had to do was reduce life into a couple of positive yet meaningless slogans like locate your inner light switch to turn on your potential, and they threw money at me! Pretty soon I didn’t care if what I said worked, I didn’t care if I was helping, as long as I was motivating people to come back, give me more money, buy my DVD’s for 99.99 – and jump to their feet when I entered a room!” His eyes glazed over. “They needed me!”
“Wait a minute,” said Nancy catching up. “Are you trying to tell me that you were, like, an evil life coach?”
“I coined the term!” Said Jim flatly. “I was known as the Motivator! I encouraged millions of Americans towards greed and selfishness, I had them all souping-up their ego’s while totally ignoring their souls! They thought they could have everything their greedy hearts could desire, and share in my secret, for only 99.99! I knew I was causing unhappiness and frustration in the lives of the vulnerable people I duped into believing that I was an ‘expert’, but once I got the taste of that power, all of those people hooked on my word, I just couldn’t stop.” Jim hung his head. ” I am, in my own way, pure evil.”
Nancy couldn’t argue with that.
“But that is the past,” Said Bernie confidently. “Isn’t it Jim?”
“It sure is!” Said Jim putting up two thumbs. “I gave away all of my money to charities, stopped writing shit books and making useless DVD’s. I’ve even stopped insisting people whoop when I enter the door!” he stood up. “Every day, and in every way, I am getting better and seeking less attention!”
“Not quite there yet though, are we Jim-Bob?” Said Everett looking up at him.
Jim sat down.
Bernie took a deep breath. “Anything else you would like to share with us Jim?”
“No.” He said, glaring coldly at Everett. “Everything is as hunky as dory could be!”
“Excellent.” Bernie shuffled in his seat. “Does anyone, who is not Everett, have anything to say to Jim?”
They all shook their heads.
“OK. Toby, we haven’t heard much from you this session. Perhaps you should go next.”
Toby frowned. “Hi, my name is Toby, and I used to be the Dark Ruler of the Known Universe!”
“Hi Toby!”
“Hi.”
The group waited for Toby’s next comments. They did not come.
“Toby?” Prompted Bernie. “Is there anything on your mind?”
“Well, yes, there is actually Bernie. It’s to do with the steps…”
“OK,” said Bernie. “Go ahead…”
“Well,” continued Toby thoughtfully. “I have no trouble admitting that I am the problem, I confess, I destroyed 48 solar systems, crushed millions of alliances, enslaved peaceful civilizations and brainwashed thousands of billions of otherwise decent folks to fight for me in my intergalactic Empire, as well as build me several enormous space stations, but…”
“But?”
“I’m finding it hard to admit that there is a power greater than mine. I mean, there isn’t, not one that I’ve met! I’ve slain and conquered the Titan’s of Jupiter! And they are massive! I can melt planets by pointing at them! I put the craters in the Moon! I can travel to any point in time I wish and change any history I care to.”
“Hmm…”said Bernie earnestly. “Have you been working with your sponsor about this?”
“Yes. But Troll Lord has been stuck in the mountains for the last few weeks, apparently we are experiencing some extreme weather for this time of year.”
“Ah, that might be Carol’s doing,” said Everett nonchalantly.
“Really?” Toby leaned forward.
“Yeah, she fell off the wagon a month ago, Dark Spells is back at large! It’s been raining frogs in Belgium for nine days. ”
“Oh…” said Toby. “Well, that explains that then.”
“We all must remember that this is a process. “ Intervened Bernie. “It’s not an easy thing, when you have an alter-ego the size of a sun, to submit to humility. I think we have all been in your dilemma Toby. The good thing is, you have not acted out any frustration…have you?”
“No,” said Toby sighing. “I haven’t created so much as a black hole in over 700 Earth years.”
“Good for you!” Said Bernie. “Everyone, I think Toby deserves a big WELL DONE from us all!”
“Well done!” Said the group. They all admired Toby. He was old school.
“Does anyone have any advice for Toby on how he could accept that there is a greater power than his own?” Bernie asked the group.
“I just skipped over that step.” Said Everett.
“Me too.” Said Jim
“And me,” conceded Doris.
“Oh,” said Toby hopefully. “Well, that might work…”
“Er,” said Bernie unable to hide the concern from his voice. “People, we have a five-step program, not a four-step-and-a-skip program!”
Everyone looked at the floor.
“OK,” said Bernie breathing deeply. “Can we all promise each other that we will talk with our sponsors about accepting that we are not the most powerful being in the universe? Toby, if you cannot meet with Troll Lord, you can always reach me at the office or at home, OK?”
“OK…”
“We can share next week on this subject…OK?”
They all nodded coyly.
“Good.”
Nancy had a terrible feeling it was her turn next. She was right.
“Nancy?” Said Bernie, recomposing himself.
“Er, yeah, Hi. My name is Nancy, and I…um…I think I have the potential to be a super villain.”
“Hi Nancy.”
Nancy stared at the group. “I don’t know what to say next.”
“It is customary to share our backgrounds, what makes you believe the potential is there?” Said Bernie.
“Well, I used to be normal, but, I started to change about three years ago and now…well…its getting quite out of hand! I even thought of a name for my alter ego the other day, and well, I need help before I do any real damage”
“You are in the right place Nancy,” said Bernie. “Well done!”
“What was your name going to be?” Asked Doris out of curiosity.
“The Censor!”
“Cool.” Complied Doris.
“No,” said Nancy shaking her head. “Not cool! I have the power to remove freedom of speech from the world! Not cool at all! I have the power to silence anyone who disagrees with me, or anything I don’t like. I could bring down the internet! Last night I was one thought away from dismantling a TV network…”
“That wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing…”said Toby.
“Are you crazy? I mute people!”
“As we all saw,” said Toby smiling in Everett’s direction, ‘I actually think you have the potential for a fine superhero! At the very least you could get a bloody good job in Korea.”
“Or America.” Added Jim.
Nancy drooped.
Everett scowled. “Actually, apart from almost everything Toby and Jim said, I agree with them! Stop being a pussy, come out of denial, and admit you think your powers are cool!”
Nancy felt her fists clench. “You really think it’s a good idea to call me a pussy when I could silence you forever, and wipe every memory from your head?”
“You can wipe memory? Wow! This is just getting cooler!” Said Everett, his eyes ablaze with mischief. “I wish I’d met you 25 years ago!”
“Everett,” said Bernie. “Remember what we spoke of last week, about only reinforcing positive qualities in others…”
“Being cool is a positive quality…”
“I think you know what I mean…Nancy is asking for help and encouragement…”
“I am encouraging her…”
“Again, I think you know what I mean!”
Everett huffed.
Bernie turned to Nancy. “Can I just say how brave I think it is for you to admit that you are a problem, and for sharing so honestly with the group; you have taken one of five important steps towards freedom!”
“What are the other four?”
“ Step two is to admit that there is a power higher than your own,” Bernie glared around the group. “Which we will be covering again next week.” They all avoided eye contact. “Step three is to pledge to avoid all forms of media broadcast. It is imperative, as super villains, for us to stay away from any form of evil power that may tempt us into action. Therefore, any form of media broadcast, watching news or documentaries about current affairs or buying newspapers, is a big no-no.”
Doris hung her head.
Bernie continued, “step four is to write lists of and make amends to the parties/nations/world’s or solar systems you may have offended during your evil reign, and five is to support other super villains who are struggling to escape from the trap of perpetuating their own form of egotistic tyranny in the world.”
“What is your success rate?” Asked Nancy.
“I’m sorry?” Asked Bernie.
“How many super villains have you cured?”
“We are never cured. That is why we come together for support.”
“But, there is still evil in the world. What are you doing to stop it?”
“Well,” said Bernie, rather on the spot. “By not adding to it, we sort-of reduce it.” He checked his watch. “Gosh, time is almost up. Does anyone want to say anything, we have a minute.”
No one volunteered.
“OK. Nice session guys, I think we all did really well. Again, sorry I was so late, we will have more time next week!”
Nancy’s eyes widened as the group dispersed around her.
“I really-really-really hope you come back next week Nancy!” Said Jim, before jogging out of the door.
“Censor is a cool name,” said Doris without making eye contact, leaving soon after.
Everett left.
“It was a pleasure,” said Toby, nodding courteously. “I hope we do make acquaintance again.” He left.
Nancy was one shell short of shock.
“You did very well,” said Bernie putting on his coat. “The first meeting is always the hardest.”
“You didn’t say anything about yourself,” she said. “What’s your story?”
Bernie smiled. “I will tell you if you come back next week. Deal?”
Nancy shuffled her feet. “Well, I really don’t know if I need this kind of help…you know. They are all, well, mad.”
Bernie chuckled. “Yes, no denying it, we are a bunch of misfits. But, you made a few new friends tonight! That is something to think about…isn’t it?”
Nancy chuckled as Bernie turned off the light, and they left the meeting together.
__END__
