The Meeting

The new girl stood at the wobbling table, adding sugar to her weak tea, looking for any further excuse not to turn around. The room was small and smelled of dead feet and floor polish; there was one closed window that was so dirty it banished light.

She could feel the others staring at her, their eyes burned holes into the back of her head like laser beams locking on a target. She wasn’t good with new people. Get a grip on yourself, she thought. You need to do this…She turned. There were more empty seats in the ‘circle’ than occupied ones, so she headed for the closest to her. No one said a word. They watched every move she made.

She sat opposite a small anxious woman who was wearing a deep purple pant suit and who had snow-white hair scraped back from her face and spun into a perfect bun. The woman quickly averted her pale grey eyes away from the new girl, lost in a fog of her own thoughts. She mumbled under her breath, occasionally twitching and biting her left thumbnail like a self-mutilating squirrel, spitting out the splinters on the floor.

To her left there was a bald gentleman with perfectly trimmed facial hair, wearing a perfectly tailored pinstripe suit, and a light blue silk shirt with a red cravat folded artistically inside. He wound his expensive wristwatch, smiling as the new girl caught the hypnotic attention of his deep green eyes. He was the tidiest person she had ever seen…everything about him said ‘classic’.

The third stranger was a long, lean and pale-looking man that gave the new girl the deep creeps…He wore a long black over-coat; his dark hair was scraped back and shone with pomade. His cheekbones could have cut glass, and his black eyes glared out at her through dark-tinted glasses as if she were a spider in his jar. He did not move a muscle.

She had never tried so hard to deliberately ignore someone in her life.

To her relief, an overly enthusiastic man grabbed his attention away from her as he bounded in through the door. He was wearing a mint green tracksuit zipped up to his fit neck, and gleaming bright white training shoes. “Hey-ho and how goes it people!” He waved to everyone. “Are we ready to turn those frowns upside down?”

The group collectively groaned.

“Hey-hey!” Said the enthusiastic man, and  headed straight toward the new girl like Tigger on steroids. “You’re new!” He pointed, as if to the obvious.

“Hey…” The new girl willed the floor to open up and swallow her, but unfortunately, it didn’t work.

“I’m Jim,” Said the man, pointing to his chest. “You can call me Big Jim, Gym-Jim or Jimarama!” Jim hopped from foot to foot, smiling a perfectly genuine smile. “Totally your choice!”

She stared at him for a while. “Hey Jim. I’m Nancy.”

Jim shook Nancy’s hand so vigorously she thought her shoulder might dislocate.

“Welcome to the group, Nancy! Hey everyone, how about I count to three, and on three, we all shout HEY NANCY!”

“Oh please,” Sighed the creepy man unable to contain his discomfort for a moment longer. “Sit down bubble butt! This might come as news to you, but no one is interested in having a yabba-dabba do time here!”

Jim sneered. “I’m just being civil, Everett! Maybe you should try it sometime!”

“No. I don’t think I will. So sit down before I do something you regret!”

Jim deflated like a popped balloon. He looked to the rest of the group for support. Fat chance. “You aren’t going to bring me down this week, Everett!” Said Jim, rallying to his own defense.

“Oh Jimarama,” Said Everett with a condescending wave of his hand. “No one could bring you any further down than you bring yourself! You flatter me, but seriously, I really think that from where you are standing, the only way can be up!”

“I’m in my happy place!” Shouted Jim, verging on the hysterical, covering his ears. “No downers and no frowners allowed! Sticks and stones may break my bones…”

“Will break your bones…”Corrected Everett

“La la la” Said Jim, closing his eyes. “Not listening! I’m not listening!”

“Have it your way.” Everett smiled a serpentine smile of victory.

Jim sat down, and rocked. Nancy looked around the ‘circle’ at her new company. This was beginning to feel like a really big mistake.

…

They waited in silence for what seemed like hours, but what only passed as minutes, when the door finally opened and the man they had all been waiting for rushed in. “I’m so bloody sorry everyone. Got stuck in traffic, someone really ought to do something about the one way system in this town!”

“I could, Bernie,” said the classic gentleman, the FM radio-tone of his voice was as charming as it was authoritative. “But I was under the impression that that sort of thing would be, you know, bad.”

“Thank you Toby,” said Bernie removing his coat and joining the group. “I wasn’t actually suggesting that anyone in this room should sort the problem…it was a figure of speech.”

“A poor one, in this case.” Said Toby disapprovingly.

“Yes.” Conceded Bernie. It was going to be a long meeting. He sat in a chair two-removed from Nancy and smiled. “Oh, hello. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize we had a new member.”

“Hi.”

“What is your name?” Bernie’s voice was kind, and steeped in a soothing non-judging tone of understanding. He had practiced perfecting it for many years. No one was born sounding so patient.

“Nancy.”

“Hi Nancy. Welcome, have you met everyone?”

“She has met Jim.” Said Everett with disdain.

“OK, well, as we have a new person, perhaps we should all introduce ourselves before sharing. I am Bernie, this is my group.”

“Hi.” Said Nancy, forcing a smile.

Bernie nodded to Everett, who said nothing.

“Everett?”

“I’m not introducing myself to her. I have no idea who she is!” He folded his arms in petulance.

“Now Everett, we have been through this millions of times. This group is about sharing, and that includes sharing with new people.”

“If you think I am telling anything to this nobody from nowhere…”

“Now, hang on a minute,” interrupted Nancy, in no mood to be bullied. “I don’t know who you are, pal, but you got no right to talk about me like that!”

“You see!” said Everett raising himself, “I knew it the moment she walked in the door! She is a bad apple! She has been sent by the enemy to disrupt the group unity! I say we –“

Suddenly, something very weird happened.

Nancy pointed at Everett’s and, although lips were moving, no sound was coming out. It was as if Nancy had just ordered the volume of his voice down to zero, and there was nothing he could do to raise it. The group stared at Everett for thirty seconds as he threw a mute tantrum, and then slowly glided their attention back to Nancy in awe.

Jim started to clap. “I like the new girl!”

Bernie stared at Nancy. “I take it this is one of your special ‘gifts’?”

Nancy was horrified. “I am so sorry.” She didn’t know what to do. “Should I leave?”

“No way!” Said Jim, bouncing on his seat. Everyone was staring at Everett, who was acting out like Marcel Marceau on the verge of going nuclear.“Can she stay? Please let her stay!” Insisted Jim.

“Yes.” Said Bernie. “Of course she can stay. But as you are new to the group I think this would be a good time to go over a few rules. First, we never use our powers, no matter how tempting, against each other. This is a safe haven.”

“OK,” said Nancy, hanging her head. “I’m so really sorry about that.”

“And the second, and by far the most important rule, is that you must never, under any circumstances, reveal the identity of anyone in this group. Anonymity is absolutely crucial to sharing.”

“I understand.” Said Nancy.

“Just out of interest,” asked Bernie staring at Everett who was now screaming silently in Toby’s highly amused face. “How long does this ‘spell’ usually last?”

“For as long as they remain annoying, usually. As soon as he says something that won’t annoy me, you will all be able to hear him again.”

“Outstanding!” said Jim.

Bernie tried hard to conceal his smile. “OK, so, lets all ignore Everett for a while and get on with the meeting shall we? Doris,” Bernie motioned towards the anxious woman. “Why don’t you start?”

“OK,” Doris sat on her hands and took in a deep breath. “Hi, my name is Doris, and I’m a super villain.”

“Hi Doris.”

“Hi. As you all know it had been almost three years since I last became Ms Direction, but…” Doris began to shake. “Oh guys…I am so ashamed of myself!”

“Doris? Oh dear, what happened?” Asked Bernie with bewildered concern.

“I don’t know! I was doing so well! I thought I would be able to handle the temptation, so I turned on the news and thought…”

“IS EVERYONE DEAF?” Everyone turned to face Everett, who sat down quickly. “Welcome back, Everett” said Bernie, almost forgetting he was there. “We have moved on to Doris, but thank you for your input so far, it has been very productive.”

Everett glared at Nancy. Nancy winked.

“Oh Doris, dear woman” said Toby clasping his hands. “You turned on the news? How could you be so foolish?”

“I don’t know.” She shook her head desperately. “I thought I was in control! Just one news snippet, I told myself. Just five minutes of update on current events and…” She began to weep.

Bernie moved towards her with a fresh box of tissues. “It’s OK Doris, we all understand the daily temptation of wanting to end the human race…this has obviously been a trying week and you are obviously carrying a heavy load, I think it would be good for you to share what happened next…”

She took a tissue and blew her nose hard. “I was watching the reports of war, and holocaust, and hatred and then the nostalgia for the old days just took over. My cravings for universal dominance just got the better of me, I suppose, and…”

“And?” Said Toby, gripped to the edge of his seat.

“I fell off the wagon and onto a POWER TRIP! Over the last 48 hours I’ve started a coup in Venezuela, a revolution in Botswana and set the Middle East peace talks back 75 years!” She sobbed inconsolably. “I was one step short of constructing an evil lair under a volcano until my conscience got the better of me, so I came to the meeting instead.”

“Well, yes, OK, not good,” Said Bernie honestly. “But, you did the right thing coming to the meeting.” He added. “What you did was not easy!”

“Not easy?” said Everett, deliberately missing the point. “All she did was destabilize a few countries, in my day we called that bad government! Next she will be telling us that she captured some British spy, but gave all of her secrets away with a pointless self-indulgent monologue instead of killing him on the spot!”

Doris sobbed harder. Jim ran to her. “Why do you have to be such a, such a, BIG MEANY to everyone EVERETT!” He embraced Doris in a protecting hug.

“Er,” said Everett looking around. “I’m a super-villain, tweedle dumb-ass! Have we met?”

“OK. That’s enough,” said Bernie cutting in, staring sternly at Everett. “Everett, I think you owe Jim and Doris an apology.”

“You cannot be serious!” Everett stamped his foot.

“Say sorry to Jim for calling him a bad name, and say sorry to Doris for mocking her attempts to bring evil and distortion into the world…”

Everett huffed.

“We are all waiting, Everett…” said Bernie uncrossing his legs.

Everett played with the buttons on his coat, and mumbled “Sorry.”

“For the group to hear!” Insisted Bernie.

“I’m sorry, OK!”

“Is it OK Jim?” asked Bernie.

Jim let go of Doris. “I suppose.”

“Doris?”

“Yeah,” she trembled.

Bernie nodded. “Would you like to share anymore Doris?”

Doris shook her head.

“OK. Does anyone, who is not Everett, want to say anything to Doris?”

There was a moment’s reflection.

“Were you planning on hiding your evil lair under an active volcano?” Pop quizzed Toby. “Because, in my experience, that can really damage equipment.”

“Er, no,” said Doris, drying her eyes. “It was more of a hollow mountain really…but it had a waterfall entrance.”

“Any sharks?” Toby inquired further.

“No.”

“Oh…” Said Toby, slightly unimpressed.

“Anyone else?” Asked Bernie hopefully.

Nancy couldn’t find words.

“I would just like to say,” said Jim, sneering at Everett. “That I think it was treble-super, and double-difficult for Doris to come to the meeting instead of invoking a worldly holocaust! And although some of us are jealous meanies, I think she did good!”

“Bravo!” echoed Toby.

Doris smiled. “Thanks Jim…Toby…”

“Yes. Well done Doris.” Said Bernie. “OK. Let’s move on then. Everett, as you have so much to say, why don’t you share something with the group.”

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