Attempt # 1
His idea was to drive the car so fast and hit it directly on a fix object or wall or something.
He started driving down an interstate highway. His driving speed was 110km/h (70mph). He mumbles “I’ve had enough, now it’s time to end it all”. He accelerates to 140km/h (85mph) and drives along until he finds a great big bloody tree about 8 meters from the side of the road.
This I’ll do nicely he says to himself and aims the car at that tree. Now it’s all going well so far, he has the speed and the large immovable object required to end his life but as the car leaves the roadway, it strikes a small culvert in the road and this pushes the vehicle off line from the tree.
Holy crappppp…..his car goes uncontrollable, breaks the roadside barricades, hits a roadside fruit cart and continues with the great speed.
It crosses that tree with a distance of few inches, and crashes down the road into the paddock. Mr. Reddy finds his nose bleeding as his face crashed on the car staring, his two fingers torn and car balloon, saving him from getting viciously injured.
Oh my god, I said NO thrice before purchasing this car. Sh*t. His nose is still bleeding and he is getting unconscious. He fell down.
When he opened his eyes, he found himself in a small clinic.
How are you now? A man asked.
Who are you, and how I came here? He asked.
I saw you on nearby highway. You were down for the count, so I took you to this clinic. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine.
Oh man. He thought his all efforts were wasted.
Thank you gentleman- Mr. Reddy says. He abused that man with the worst of words in heart.
Just because of this frog- faced man, now I’ll have to pay extra bugs for this treatment.
2 men were standing outside of his room. He asked them why they are standing here.
We are the roadside fruit sellers, you packed up our carts with your snaky speed and we want indemnity for that, A total of rupees ten thousand.
And what if I say no to pay that amount? He asks arrogantly.
Well, then you’ll feel sorry for yourself.
Mr. Reddy sensed a different kind of anger in their eyes.
(No, not a good idea to kill myself THIS WAY)- He says to himself.
Ok ok…I’ll pay it- he changes his voice tone.
Now that man was not only frog- faced but pig- faced also.
Attempt # 2
Mr. Reddy never believed in quitting.
Let’s try once again. I have short listed five ideas. And I still have four more to try out. Well the car is still ready to run faster. He gets into the car seat and started driving towards west.
There is another highway and this time, there is no one nearby, who will take him to the hospital. Huhhh.. Frog faced ape shaped men, he makes a bad face.
Ok, Mr. Reddy was crashed through the paddock fence; but he still has a fair amount of kinetic energy in the car and himself as well. The problem is there is no large upright tree to crash into.
He spies a large downed tree about another 100 meters alongside the road.
Beautiful giant tree to hit and get your head crushed like a water melon lying on the ground. Perfect you think?
Unfortunately for old mate two things happen. One, the airbag deploys again and two, the tree is so infested with white ants that it practically explodes on impact and causes nowhere near enough resistance for a death.
He survived again. But this time, it was a little painful because with white ants, there were a large number of red ants as well.
Nooooooooooooo…….the red ants entered in his clothes and every here & there…the rest part I would name as “Mind’s eye phase”, as you can imagine where the ants can go and what they can cause to “THOSE PARTS”…..
He actually runs out of his clothes, jumps and slithers on the dusty road to get rid of those small red monsters and somehow succeeds.
At this point of time, you would think it’s time to call it a day. Ah but you’d be wrong as our oldie Goldie is nothing if not determined.
Attempt # 3
He had a knife is his car. He decided it’s the time for the 3rd trick. Thanks to my visionary mind that I shortlisted 5 tricks. When me and my wife attended a wedding reception, the couple were with full of joy, my wife pointed out to me, by recalling our wedding reception and told me that I was keeping mum and with no trace of happiness in my face.
I replied her that I was a visionary- he smirks.
He decides to put extra holes in his body. He grabs a 9 inch hunting knife from the back seat and proceeds to stab himself four times in the chest and abdomen. You will now think that this will surely work, as he is 100 meters off the highway that is not very busy and at least 50 km from the nearby ambulance station.
Unfortunately for our friend, an off duty ambulance officer from another state was driving behind him. He witnesses the car leaves the road and strikes the downed tree. He comes to a stop and grabs his first aid kit (as an ambo he knows to have one in his private car) and starts running to rescue Mr. Reddy, when he sees him started puncturing himself.
Oh my my…. Who is this, coming down here? Oh no.. I can’t bear one more medical expense. This bas*ard……. Ohk.. Let him come, I’ll do what I should have done to that frog faced man too……..
Hey wait man, wait- that man says.
Yes..I am waiting for you..Come down here you husky pigggggg…….he grabs his knife again. He thinks that yes I am dying, and this time if again I’ll be saved then my all efforts will be wasted and by the way, I can die with a murder charge on me….. C’mon man…jussttttt commmeeeeee..
At this moment, he falls unconscious as a fair amount of blood loss.
Do I need to say that his 3rd attempt also shattered….
He awakes…… It’s my home!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes ittt isssss. He looks at the dirty fan and confirms to himself.
His servant comes in.
Sir..…..how are you feeling now sir?
Amm.. I am fine, I am fine. How I came here? When?
Sir you were found unconscious nearby the state highway. A man admitted you to the Civilian Hospital. I got a call from there two days ago and we came to know about your accident. We took you home. You are on this bed for last two days…… We are happy to see you getting a little better……
Oh my, that husky man!!!!!… Why the whole nation wants me to live????
His other servant comes in the room with a bowl of Luke warm soup for him.
Here you are sir, please have some.. You do not have eaten anything by yourself for last three days.
By yourself !!!!!!!! What do you mean by that? He asks.
I mean, you were given some liquids through thin pipes…….
Oh you mean “glucose drips”????
Yeah..
He laughs. Pipes!!!! What an innocent servant I have. He would have called “Red Tanks” to the blood bottles. He again chuckles.
Sir, you please have some and rest. You need to take rest for at least next 36 hours as your doctor has recommended.
Yes, yes.. He still feels a great pain in his back. His abdomen and chest were also burning with those knife bruises.
He went asleep and wakes up after 8 hours of a good doze. His back pain was not allowing him to get up by himself. His servants come in his room, help him get on his feet and took him to lavatory. They lend their hands to him to get into the bath tub and take a bath.
The hot water worked well and his pain was slightly lowered. His servants cleaned his bruises, massaged his body and covered him with clean washed clothes. They took him to his bed again, served him nice fresh food and soup, and settled him on the rest chair with his gramophone playing his favorite opera music. He was feeling much better.
His secretary arrived to his home to pay him a visit.
How are you sir?
Oh..I am fine.. Thank you Mrs. Lolita.
Ohhh…….Not to mention sir. The thing which I was wondering about is….ammm…what you were doing at that highway sir???????
Actually I was there just to refresh my frame of mind.. I was in mood to drive…. So I decided to drive on state highway…. You know this damn city traffic. So I decided to drive there in the outskirts…
Ohk..but sir those knnnniffffe scrrrrratches!!!!!
Ahhh… Some wallet snatchers attacked me. They demanded money and when I refused to give them, they did this…
Oh my lord….. Those sinners….. How can they attack on old people…. They will burn in hell. huhhh by the way sir, as we were informed by your doctor, the knife was found in yo…your hh..ha…hands…….
What do you want me to say????????? Do you want me to say that I went there to crash my car in a big tree and get died? And when I failed in that, I attempted to kill myself with that big knife, but a bloody son of a b!+(# washed all my efforts and took me to the hospital…… that is what you want me to say???? Hannnnn??????
Oh sh*t…..I think I should leave this place as soon as I can- she mumbles.
No sir, not at all. I was justttt…. ohk forget it and take rest sir.. (Oh my lord, this old pathetic feeble man has gone insane; I should go out on myself before he kicks me out by himself.) She leaves.
Bloody hell… This lady will kill by awarding me a heart attack someday.
He looks around and finds a gift box.
What is this? He asks himself while opening that gift. He opens and smiles.
That box contained his favorite Puccini Bambini chocolate from Amsterdam, Netherlands. He reminds that once Mrs. Lolita told him that her first cousin lives in Amsterdam, and that time Mr. Reddy asked her to tell her cousin to send these chocolates.
Aaahh….i love it. He grabbed one and licked it. This is the best gift I could ever have. Thanks to Mrs. Lolita. He admires her for the very first time.
But his suicidal mind was not ready to stop and quit. He again started preparing for his fourth attempt. This time he was not quite sure on his idea. Why he survived all those previous attempts, was not cleared in his mind yet. Every time I tried, I couldn’t succeed. Why? Is there any reason behind it? If there is one then what it is?
Sir, it’s the time for your second doze- his servant jogged his memory for his second medicine doze of the day.
Yes……. I got it…I got ittttt…….. yeesssssss…
At this moment he sits down on his chair and recalls all past few weeks.
My servants, driver and Mrs. Lolita has really served me in the best way. They all took the best care of me, always available at any point of time, and always tolerated my anger and frustration on them. And I am being enormously selfish……. I am dying without doing anything for them!!!!!! How could I? I mean it’s true that I have always hated them and they also left no stone unturned to annoy me but…..
He immediately calls at his bank, (a place that will lend you money if you can prove you don’t need it) where he has deposited all the money and asks the officials there to get him that money in cash as soon as possible. He doesn’t want anyone to go to the court to get their fraction of the amount as it can also be possible that after his death, any of his nephew or niece, who is unborn till date, suddenly comes in light, proves Mr. Reddy insane and grab all his wealth because “Where there’s a will, there are relations.”
His amount was at his door within next three hours. He divided the amount into four equal fractions and packed them in different envelopes with letters, paying them big thanks.
Yes…I think now I can die because I have done the last work of my life. Now I am sure that I’ll succeed in my next attempt. He takes a deep breath. A breath of relief. But what if my next attempt also fails? I mean, it may be possible that my idea don’t work on time- he asks himself.
It was an ordinary morning. Mr. Reddy was cured from all those bruises but the pain was still there but little lowered. His digestion was worst. He was sitting on his chair in the balcony and thinking. He was in a dilemma.
Here you are sir- his servant served him a cup of tea.
Yeah, ammm listen shambhu, Can you suggest a trick for suicide? He asks the servant.
What???? But why????
No… I am just casually asking. Actually there were some extreme funny tricks I saw in a book. So I was thinking if I could imagine a trick…..that kills…..
Ohh…ammm… I can suggest a comical one- servant says.
And what it is? He questions.
Ammmmm…Write a letter to your lawyer, with instructions that it should NOT be opened until one year after your death. Insist that after one year, it be read in a very public manner.
Oh then- he again asks.
Then get a job in a sausage factory. Take off your clothes and throw yourself into the biggest meat grinder you can find.
Awful….. Then?
Then in your letter, there should be a *punch line* that explains what you did, and people wonder about that hot dog they ate- he chuckles.
What the hell this man is talking about. What an assembly of idiots I have. One calls drips as ‘pipes’, and this man, another piece of a sh*t is saying to throw your own body in a grinding machine!!!!!!
What are you thinking sir? Did you like my idea? People going to shoot you for that- he laughs.
You know what, if I had a pistol, you were on the floor at this moment. I think you should leave this room as fast as you can.
The servant leaves the room at once. There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with my servants? Huhh.
But sometimes even a fool can say the most intelligent thing.
Will it work if I shoot myself with a gun? – He gets his idea.
Yeah…that is a cool idea. I can shoot myself as it can give me a quick exit from this world. It will feel painful for a second or two but…. Yes….yes……I have to get myself a gun…. And I should get it soon and this time…I have to be my cent percent.
Our Oldie Goldie was looking for a gun pistol so that he can shoot himself dead. But the question was- how to get one?
It’s not like a buying soap or asking a salesman about a mosquito cream. It’s a pistol and I can’t get it from a simple market or commercial area. I think I should first list out all the black listed & red light areas and then should search there- he deduces.
He asked to every possible source, searched in various newspapers, and magazines. And finally he got few names where he could get a gun.
I think the best one will be -Hotel Bombs and Lillis… He found the full address of the hotel through newspapers and decided to go there next day.
I am feeling very muddled and weird, please arrange some hot water, I want to take a shower- he instructed his servant.
He takes a bath, and wears soft clothes, his pain was again lowered down because of that hot water and his eyes were full of sleep. It was just his stomach ache which was forcing him to keep his suicide idea alive. He turned his gramophone on, laid on his bed, and after few minutes, Mr. Reddy fell was having forty winks.
Where is ‘Hotel Bombs and Lilies’??? Mr. Reddy asks to a shopkeeper.
Go straight, there will be a dog named ‘Macho’, sitting under the signal, take the first left from there- says the shopkeeper.
Enikku vazhi kaanichu tharaamo? (Can you show me the way?) And what if the dog is not there??
Oh please, just use your brain you old man, the signal will still be there, always- he replies laughing at Mr. Reddy.
Well what is your age man? He asks that shopkeeper.
I will be 41 this June, why?
I heard somewhere that a fool at forty is a fool indeed, Huhh- he says while jerking his head.
He headed straight towards that signal. It was getting dark.
Oh gosh, it’s 8:15!! He reached the signal. The thing which irritated him the most was, the dog was sitting there. It’s a dark black colored dog with some red bruise marks, its tail was half cut, it has only one eye, its two legs were paralyzed and was wriggling with itching.
What is so ‘Macho’ about this dog? Huh.. If it is Macho then I should be a Hunk or a Stud- he whispers.
He saw a board there, which was indicating that “Hotel Bombs and Lilies” is in the next street. He took the left from there and found the Hotel. It was a big building, about fifty thousand sq ft. and the exterior of the hotel was very elegant. There was a big crowed and long queue of addicted stalkers. Some of them were rejected from their houses, some were rejected by their wives and some of them were rejected ‘from the society’.
He watched all of them with a hating eye. There were some ‘girls’ standing outside and in the parking area, almost everyone was smoking and there was a loud sound of music. Some people were fighting and were threatening each other with guns.
Now I think I can get one for me- he says happily.
Yes…. Even you can get two- a lady behind him says.
He turns back. A lady is standing there, smiling sensually. Mr. Reddy was thunderstruck. She grabs his hand and tells him to come with her. He pulls his hand and tries to escape. She laughs loudly.
You can’t go anywhere oldie, you will find my Xerox copies here in every corner. She again cackles and pays him a flying kiss.
What the hell is this? He goes inside the bar with a perplexity of what actually would be happening inside.
He enters the bar room. There are few people on the dance floor, dancing and drinking, some bar- girls are also dancing and the loud music, mix whiff of sweat & perfumes, alcohol and cigars, colorful lights and dark corners showing exactly the picture of a bar that Mr. Reddy expected.
Two ladies were chatting in a corner. One says- why you were not there yesterday for dance practice? Other says- I was with Ramesh, he taught me some new steps? Ohk, were they difficult? Yes but not as difficult as dance steps. They giggled. This was the scene in more or less every corner.
Yes, what do you want? A heavy voice strikes his ears. He turns and sees a tall dark man, standing with his both hands folded back. He had a big mustache and a massive body.
I..i …..want…..wannntttt aa…..
A what? Oh……. I got it. You can get her from there- he shows him a room.
Her!! No no, I don’t want “that”- he answers blushing and sweating.
Then are you here to get a new set of teeth or your pension amount- he makes fun of Mr. Reddy. His other two friends also join him in making fun.
No no, I guess, this old man is looking for a new ‘adventure’…
Ammmm…. New what? Mr. Reddy questions.
Ahh c’mon you old rice, I mean all this in your age will be an adventure only no? They all again express amusement.
No..i want a….g…gun- he says trembling.
What???? Who told you that you can get a gun from here? – The tall man asks.
I think he must be a police informer- the other man says.
No..no..I am not a police informer. I just want a gun for my own.
But why you need one? That man asks.
Well, it’s not a matter to be told to you. Look I can pay you a nice amount. I just want a gun. I am in need of it.
Hmmm.. It costs 3 lacs. You believe you can pay us that amount?
Yeah, I can and I’ll- he says without waiting for next second.
Ohk, do you have the money right now?
Well I have 2 lacs, but you don’t worry, I always keep my cheque-book with me- he grins.
Ohk then, submit the money to our man, in the next room, go- the tall man directs him to another dark room.
He feels as if he has been gifted with a new life. He would have probably kissed the face of that man if he was not that tall. Aah…He enters in another room. It was again a dark, smoky room. As he enters the room, he saw a girl sitting in the lap of a husky man. She suddenly stands up as if that husky man would have pinched her with a pin.
Yeah, come come- that husky man says.
I need a gun, a man out there sent me here, actually i….
Oh I know that. Nobody comes here to tell the information about climate condition. This room is just for people looking for guns.
Mr. Reddy looks around in the room. There was no any sign of a gun. Not even a picture. The girl was gazing constantly at him.
Pay me the money here- husky says.
Amm..Where is my gun? – Mr. Reddy asks.
You give me the money and get your gun from a flower seller outside of the hotel.
No, I have also been a business man. I pay only when I have the product in my hands, in sound condition. – Mr. Reddy was very clear.
Look it’s a risk. We have been warned by police many times and going out with you and selling a gun will be a risk- he tries to explain.
Then, what if I get the gun and pay the amount to the flower seller directly? He asks.
Amm… ohk… but be careful- the husky agrees.
Mr. Reddy pays him thanks, wishes the girl a good bye and comes out of the hotel. The smoke now was unbearable for our old mate, so he took out his handkerchief out of his pocket and covered his face.
He went to the flower-cart and asked the lady over there.
A man sent me here to collect a gun- he says.
Amm, that plump man?? – She asks.
Yeah.
Ohk, pay the amount and collect your gun.
He tried to open his bag. As the bag was very old, its chain was collapsed and hence it was taking a little long time for him to open it.
Suddenly everyone started shouting and running. All the call girls were running here and there.
Aeee Rajjo… Run….. It’s a police raid. – A man shouted.
There was a great stampede, the situation became panic in a very few time, everyone was trying to escape. A loud police siren was blowing.
Oh my gosh, the lady threw the gun to Mr. Reddy and tried to snatch his bag. But it was either her bad luck or Mr. Reddy’s good fate that the bag’s belt was tied around his waist & shoulders so tight, not allowing her to snatch it.
She left the bag abusing him and ran to flee away from that place by pushing him with a forceful punch. He fell down into an open sewer channel. It was not in use and hence, was dry. He tried to hide himself there for 10- 15 minutes.
Some police man came near and tried to look inside but due to the gloominess, they couldn’t witness him.
I think someone is there. A policeman said and came very close to that cesspool and checked with his stick.
Oh man, no. I don’t want to get arrested by cops from a ‘bar’- he prayed to his lord and shifted his body in the last inch of corner.
Suddenly the lights outside of the bar went off. It was so tough to see anything now. The policeman took out his torch.
Hey man, let’s go from here. I saw everyone running that side- other cop says.
No there is someone here in this channel.
Oh c’mon. It might be a pig. Forget it and follow those people- he says.
They went off. Mr. Reddy heard the footsteps going in the opposite direction. He waits there for some minutes and then came out and ran to his house.
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