(II)
2 months later
July 2010
Shreya woke up to the ring of her 7 O’ clock alarm. She got up to look in the mirror. Her face had a glow. Slowly creeping out of her clothes, she stood under the shower. The cold water droplets falling on her body gave her a tingling feeling and made her smile. Throughout the way to her office, she had a smirk on her face. That day, it made her feel that the work didn’t seem to pass by. Through the day, she had been waiting for it to come to an end. When it ended, she stared at her watch. It was 4 O’ Clock. It was time for her to meet him. Sometimes, she would feel if what she had could even be called a relationship. But then she would be reminded by herself, these lines from Les Miserables by Victor Hugo, To love or have loved, that is enough. Ask nothing further. There is no other pearl to be found in the dark folds of life. And then, she’d restore the smile on her face. She had a reason to smile. She had found the pearl that most of the people around her hadn’t even touched in their life. And now it was time for her to go feel the touch.
Aiden was in his cell, lying on his bed staring at the ceiling. The life in prison was tough. It had made him believe in hell. On the other hand, the feeling of seeing her everyday had restored his faith in heaven. He didn’t know if he deserved her, for he knew that she certainly deserved someone better than a convicted criminal. He tried to be on his best behavior, hoping that maybe they would let him out soon and he could finally step into heaven, where she lived. He could still feel her kiss, lingering on his lips. He remembered how it felt. It was one of the few things that would make him smile. He had been feeling a little something for her, ever since they met for the first time, but sensing the feeling not being mutual, he had been quiet about it all. But now, it was like a dream, to be around her for whatever little portion of the day. That part of the day was the only one that he needed to remember before he went to sleep every night, the part where he touched the pearl. The warden came up to his cell, and said,” There’s a visitor for you.” It was time.
He made his way as the warden escorted him with cuffs on his hand, like taking a dog for a walk. He dodged glances from the inmates who stared at him with their fingers curled up against the bars. He was about to step into heaven for a moment, thoughts rushing through his head. It would be like a brief illusion, he thought. Love didn’t make its way to me when I was free. And now, here it stood. But maybe, that is just the way Mom used to say right,’ It’s okay to cry when you’re sad, but that shouldn’t stop you from laughing when you’re happy.’ The sweet meal on a rough day, the dream that keeps you going on in your failure.
Aiden walked up to the room where the visitors would be. There was a glass partition and on the other side, sat Shreya, the sight to his sore eyes. Looking at her, made him feel free in the one place in the world where he wasn’t supposed to be. His eyes watered as he looked at her. For over five seconds, they stared into each other’s eyes before Aiden finally said,” So, how’s work?” No one had the courage to talk about anything except making small talk.
“Good. It’s, um good”, Shreya said, trying to hide her pain behind her smile, her tears behind the strength of her voice. It hadn’t been easy for anyone of them, but somehow it all felt to be worth it.
“Prison’s fine too. I work every day. They say I’ll get the money for the labor. Hope it’ll be worth it.” He said, trying to act normal.
Shreya took his hands in hers and clasping them tightly said,” It sure will be. Worth it.”
Aiden made a point of not telling her about anything bad that had happened to him ever since he was in there. It was his decision. She being with him keeping it all aside was enough for him.
There seldom used to be any sort of conversation between them every time she visited. All there used to be was silence. They knew there was love but the circumstances were against them. She was longing to burst into tears right since she saw him that day. But, she didn’t want to do that to him. So instead, she smiled. And after sometime, the warden came up to them and said,” Okay, visitor time is up.” So, she looked at him for a last time before she said,” I love you.”
“I love you too” came the response from him, before she got up from the chair in front of him and began to leave. Aiden stood up and watched her leave. Then he turned his back to heaven and crawled his way into hell. Her face would be the one thing that he would have on his mind before he’d go to sleep that night.
Shreya walked out of the penitentiary and then looking at the setting sun, burst up into tears. She couldn’t resist it anymore. But, there was nothing she could do. For, along with the sweet sensation of love, there also exists heart-aching pain and nerve-wrenching sorrow. So, she stood there, till the tears on her face dried and then through the crowd, made her way to her home.
“I love you too” That’s what Aiden said that night, his eyes fixated on the ceiling as teardrops clanged on their corners, before losing his consciousness to sleep.
Over a whole year passed by as Shreya had the same routine. She used to work all day and then go meet Aiden at Arthur Road Jail in the visiting hours. Never did she get the feeling of something being incomplete or missing out in her life. For she had love, and that would compensate for anything that she didn’t have. If kissing him again would mean waiting for another fifteen years, she was ready to wait. And she knew that she wasn’t alone, because he would wait too. Waiting gave her assurance, it let her know that whatever she was waiting for, she would get. Whatever she wished for, will be hers and all that was needed to be done on her part was to wait. Now she sat there, waiting for time to fly away and bringing along the time for her to go visit him.
Back in prison, all Aiden had with him been his prayers and his love. Prison tended to make him devoid of those emotions and he would fight every single day to keep them alive and gave everything that he had to hold onto them. He had learnt to keep his eyes pointed down all the time and all that he needed to survive there was her memories. Every single second that he spent there, waiting would bring him one second closer to looking at her face, as it glowed like that of a lotus glowing in a puddle where it didn’t belong. So, he would close his eyes in the wait and as he did it, it brought him closer to her. The visiting hours were there. He knew for one moment, he would touch freedom, and then, he would be reminded of the reason he held on.
Shreya entered the jail gates and all the eyes were pointing at her. She dodged glances and made her way to the visitor’s room. There she sat on her table as he came in front of her and she knew that he was the one who was worth her wait. But as he came closer, she sensed that something was wrong with him. His eyes were red on the edges and his walk was tired, indicating not mental but physical illness. He sat down in front of her and when she put her hands on his, they felt warmer than they usually did. He managed to produce a smile even though he was in pain, for he was looking at her eyes and that was enough for the moment. Shreya knew something was wrong, as she asked,” Aiden, are you alright?”
He looked at her as if the question that he had been asked was ridiculous and with a smile on his face, replied,” Yes. Of course.”
“Your hand, it’s warmer than it usually is.” She said,” I think you have fever. Also, your eyes are red. Are you really sure, everything is alright?”
At that, he let out a sigh and said,” Look Shreya, no one’s in here for doing something glorious or noble. We’re all petty criminals in here and we get treated that way. Now, I don’t have any objections about that. I signed up for it.” Then rubbing his eye with his left hand, he said, looking in her eyes,” the only road to redemption, right?”
She knew that even if he was in pain, he wouldn’t express it and try to pretend that everything was alright, she had seen him do it before and she knew that he was doing it this time. Then, she looked at him and continued,” So, you thinking whether you’ll get a parole?”
“Yeah”, he said,” They said the parole commission is setting up next week. I didn’t get into any fights since I got here. I’m thinking I can get a parole on my good behavior.”
Shreya suddenly felt happy as her eyes lightened up and clasping his hands tightly in hers, she said,” We’ll survive through this, Aiden. We’ll make it through this and land ashore.”
He smiled a little, as his eyes watered and with a heavy voice, said,” I’m so glad that I have you right now. I don’t think I would ever have made it through this if it hadn’t been for you. I love you. I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve you, but we’ll make it through.”
He delicately touched the locks of her hair which were on her face and gently put them behind her ears. She felt his warm touch and knew that he was sick. After staring into each other’s eyes, she quietly got away from the table as he too was escorted by a constable back to his cell. She stood there staring at him until he got out of her sight. Then, she opened the gates to let her sorrows flow out as streams of tears flew out of her eyes. She stood there for a moment until she remembered that he was ill. She walked till the warden’s office. The warden was just coming out of the room as his attention came to Shreya. The warden was stout and his face had that tough look which he had mastered over years spending his days between convicted criminals. His eyes were big and protruding, and his skin-tone was pitch-black. He stared at her as she introduced herself.
“Hello, I’m Shreya Malhotra. I’m a criminal lawyer.”She said.
“And you’re here for?” came the response from the warden standing in front of her.
“Well, I’m a relative of Mr. Aiden Gonzales. He’s an inmate here. I met him today and I was concerned about his health, as he appeared to be ill. It looked serious. I was just really hoping if you could get him some medical help. That would be really helpful.”
He looked at her, expressionless until words managed to make their way out of his mouth,
“Look madam. This is a prison, not a hotel. Nobody here has done something to deserve so much hospitality on our behalf. You’re worried that you’re friend is sick? Diseases spread here like epidemics. This is after-hours. The doctors at the prison hospital have already left. Just write the name there and we’ll take a look tomorrow.”
She looked at him with a feeling of being surprised on her face. She was angry and worried at the same time. She just told herself that they would make it ashore once more as she got out of the closed doors of prison on the open, crowded streets of Mumbai.
The next day, she felt was the longest day of her life. She just wanted it to end so that she could meet him. She sat in her office and felt like it had been hours since she’d been waiting. Then, she checked her watch and understood that it had only been 2 hours. She let out a disappointed sigh and got back to work. It was 12 o’ clock when she was distracted by the phone in her office ringing. Her secretary directed the call to the telephone at her desk and she picked it up,” Hello”
“Hello, Shreya Malhotra’s office?”
“Yes?”
“I’m Sadashiv Pingale.” Came a hoarse voice from the other end,” The warden from Arthur road jail.” Her heartbeats fastened as she heard that. She knew it was about Aiden. Disturbing thoughts tried to make their way into her mind, but fighting them hard, she replied,” Yes Mr. Pingale?”
“Madam, I’m just calling with some news. This maybe a little hard for you. It’s about Aiden Gonzales.”
“What about him?” She said. Her voice was getting shaky now. She just wished he was alright, even though the practical part of her mind suggested that he wasn’t.
“Well, yesterday, in the middle of the night, his condition worsened suddenly. So, we had him transferred to the prison hospital.”
“I’ll be on my way.” She said, clearing her desk. The worst of her fears had come true.
The taxi-ride till prison had been the longest journey of her life. All kinds of thoughts filled her head. She started picturing the worst case scenarios that could happen. She just wished that none of it would ever happen.
She reached the prison hospital. It was an old building which looked suspiciously weak now. The rooms were filled and nurses rushed past her as she raced down the corridor. She suddenly realized that all the rooms filled there were filled by convicted criminals. Now, she didn’t know what to feel about it. She could’ve cynically said that no one needed to pray here, but knowing that even her love was admitted here, she now loathed anyone who could think of such a thing. It was just a matter of perspective. Her eyes felt on the fat, short unattractive man standing by a room at the end of the hallway. She recognized the warden from the other day. She made her way, dodging nurses and reached the room. He pointed his finger in the room, where she figured Aiden was lying. She peeked through the glass window on the door and tears filled her eyes as she saw him there. His breathing which depended on the ventilator put on his nose and his life which depended on the needles pierced through his veins. She didn’t want to see anyone in this condition, and especially not Aiden.
She noticed the doctor who stood by his bed, having a dramatic conversation with the nurse. Then, she saw him coming out and as soon as he was out, she asked him,” Is he going to be alright?”
The doctor looked at her. He didn’t look like those doctors shown in movies. He didn’t have a stethoscope around his neck and didn’t have that pleasant smile either. With cold expressions on his face, he said,” He is diagnosed with Falcifarum. The reason of course being the unclean, unhygienic jail environment. Right now, it can’t be said that he is completely fine. We’ll still have him under observation for the night and nothing can be said till then. “
Each word falling out of the doctor’s mouth made Shreya want to deny it all. She wished for every second for it to turn out a nightmare. Not after everything that we’ve been together, She thought. Not after coming so close. She couldn’t think about losing the pearl forever.
She sat on the stool outside his room throughout the entire evening. The nurse approached her and said,” You may pay the patient a visit now.”
“I know.” She said, her cold, intense brown eyes pointed at the floor. She just couldn’t think about going in there lying the way she had seen earlier that day. So, she sat there, thinking that maybe somewhere in the deepest, darkest corners of her soul laid the courage for her to go see his face and she tried and failed. The doctor had put forward the possibility that maybe he wouldn’t make it at all, and she would give anything just so those words would prove themselves wrong.
That was the moment when she realized that in the last years, nobody except her had come to pay him a visit or even to the court proceedings. That was when it striked her that the only love that he had in his life, at that moment was the one that he had gotten from her. That was the courage that she needed. The courage that would make her see him that helpless and dependant and she’d still have hope in her eyes.
It was 9 O’ Clock when she took her first step into the room. The first step is the hardest part. After, that she briskly progressed toward his bed. She knew he couldn’t see her but still she held her tears back. She cleared her voice so that it wouldn’t sound like she was crying. Over the years, from TV and movies she had learnt that even though the patient is unconscious, he can still hear the voices around him. Then, she slowly placed her hand on his forehead and stroked him and slowly put his hair behind his ears. Then rubbing her thin fingers on his unshaven cheeks she remarked, her voice still a little shaky,” After this is all over, you’ve got to start shaving, okay?” She tried hard not to break, and she had been doing that for the last couple of years and yet, she hadn’t gotten nowhere near to be getting good at it.
She talked with him for over a couple more minutes before running out of the room, in tears just when she knew that it was all she could take. She cried her eyes out sitting alone in the hallway, the nurses from the other end staring at her. Then, even before she knew it, sleep soothed her tired eyes. Now, she was asleep, she pictured herself falling in a cave, deep and dark and the only light that she saw was way much higher from where she was falling. She had to stretch her eyes but she recognized the person standing there. It was Aiden. He stood there his hand stretched out to catch her, but she knew it wasn’t long enough to catch her. She was way too far away from him. She had the feeling that maybe she’ll never see him again. She fought that feeling as she let out a wretched scream. That scream was what woke her up. She stood up from the uncomfortable chair on which she had passed out and took a look at the clock hanging on the opposite wall. It was 5.15, over forty-five minutes to sunrise. Maybe, she thought. Everything will shine up at sunrise. She peeked through the window and looked at him. Now, she was stronger as compared to yesterday.
Her positive thoughts were disrupted by the monitor besides Aiden’s bed as his pulse suddenly began to fluctuate. She could even see him move, uncomfortably, possibly he was descending into seizure. She rushed to the nurse counter and told her that something was wrong with him, the nurse immediately informed the doctor who had just arrived but he still reached out to the room as fast as he could. He, along with two nurses rushed in the room, signaling Shreya to remain outside. She still watched it all with fear on her mind and tears in her eyes. The new-found courage had lost its way back to her mind. She would give anything for it to turn back to normal. Yes, suddenly falling in love with a prison inmate meant normal to her. Just when her hopes had raised themselves to heights above the sky, her eyes felt on the ECG monitor. The pulse dropped to a minimal limit and now was just a line. And at the same time, she could see the sun rising beyond the hills. Her eyes were now just as dead as the lifeless body of Aiden, lying on the bed. She had frozen as her eyes were fixated on Aiden. She knew that he was gone, but not a single tear made its way out of her eye. She had run out of them now. At that moment, she was as dead on the inside as Aiden. She had touched the pearl and then had lost it forever.
She stood by the warden’s office, her eyes still cold, lightless. The warden brought out a bag containing his personal effects, and then placing his stout, hairy arm on her shoulder, said,” I’m sorry.” He had tried best to make his rough, hoarse voice to sound consoling. That was when one tear rolled down her cheek but the light in her eyes was still nowhere to be seen. Somewhere between Life leaving Aiden’s body, light had also left Shreya’s eyes. The last words that she could hear him saying were that they’ll make it through. But, now she knew that not everything turns out the way you want it to be, but carrying on is the only thing you can do. She held the bag containing his personal effects close to her heart as she sat on the chair outside Mr. Pingale’s office. Then, she slowly opened it and started to feel the contents inside. There was nothing but one. The cross-locket that he had worn on the day of his confession. She quickly took it out of the bag and put it around her neck. The religion difference didn’t seem to bother her. Mr. Pingale slowly came out of his office and handed her some money. “This is the money he earned through prison labor”, he said. She clasped the money in her hands, as her eyes stared at it.
That day, she went to the same hotel across the court where they had eaten for the first time. She also remembered the seat on which they were seated that day. She even ordered the same cheese sandwich which he had eaten that day and then smiled when she remembered the way he had eaten it. She even appreciated the taste. Then, when the check came, she paid it with some of the money which he had earned through the prison labor. Looking at the empty chair in front of him, she said,” Don’t worry. You still didn’t let the lady pay the bill.” That was the last time she ever visited that restaurant.
5th may 2013
Tears had crowded themselves on the tip of her eyes as the taxi came to a halt. The journey through the memory lane had come to halt as well. They had reached the graveyard. The courage which made her take that step into his hospital room was the same which made her able to take that step outside the car and go face his grave. If she wouldn’t go there, he would feel lonely, she would think. Throughout the years, she would be there at every anniversary and even on Diwali as well as on Christmas. She got out and with every step she took, she would feel anxious. She hadn’t seen anyone else in all those years following his death. Standing in front of his grave, she said,” I love you.” After waiting for a little while, his voice saying “I love you too” lingered in her ears.
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