Shubham’s last few days in IX Std at GMSS Little Islands
As soon as the school reopened after two months summer vacation on 1st July 1995, there were few new faces in the IX std. We had only one section with around 28 students.
‘Look at the 3rd bench, last row-the tall girl’-said one of his classmates, pointing towards a 5feet tall Bong-girl, the new-comer. She had a dusky complexion, long blackish hair that ran just below the shoulder-height and her dark-black-cozy eyes were very appealing like they had decades of stories to tell. There was some invisible attraction in her. At first instance my heart said, “Just step forward and say hi”. The next moment my mind said, “Don’t ever, you already learnt a lesson last year”.
I never made any desperate attempts to speak to her in those three months, not even till the day
I left the school when my father was transferred to the capital islands. I was scared, of repeating any mistake like I did in VIII std. It sure was tough but not impossible; after all I was a rarest prototype when it came do a friendship with any girl.
Those moments, are just a memory that I laugh off now.
I remember the last day in that school-“The school for the day was going to be over by 2:45pm. I was sitting beside Jeet and Naveen.
The last period was English but the teacher left early wishing me a good future and asked me to bid goodbye to everyone before I left the classroom. It was very emotional moment for me. I wanted to say goodbye to everyone in the class, but I was speechless.
I stood up and had a look at everyone’s face. Some were talking, while few smiled and raised their hands to wave a bye.
Then the bell rang. Among the girls, Vasanti and Mala came forward to see off but nobody moved out of their benches till I stood the classroom door. And for one final time, I scanned the school buildings, the playground and everything around it as I held my tears from bursting out. As I was about to exit, I heard laughter from within the classroom. I turned back and my eyes got stuck on her cozy-eyes and the shy-smile. She was standing beside Tisha and Ishita. Three of them were mocking on some boys. I was mesmerized by her. “One day I will make friendship with you-my mind and heart whispered synchronously”.
I didn’t even understand that I had started liking her, every time I saw her talking to someone. Yet I couldn’t talk to her. I knew that I had to control myself and just do what I was supposed to do-Focus and Study well. I wanted to make sure it’s not the infatuation again at the adolescence that might ruin my academics.
I gave myself a long term break of four years to be exact. But she kept coming back every year in some related incidents.
I still blame myself for that one moment when I had turned back to see that girl with those magical-attention seeking-smile that lit some bulbs in my heart. Who had ever known, that my life was going to be controlled by her possession for two decades. A possession which she would be unaware of.
This girl was Moumita, right Shubham? – I asked knowingly.
He nodded in approval, expelling all the pain he had that moment from his memories.
Which school did you join after your shifting to the city?
GSSS Model. And there I regained my lost Focus and learnt to survive among stiff competition.
PART 9
The first day in GSSS Model, IX –Section E, when I could not reply back in English to the English teacher, the comment from one of the classmate tasted bitter. Anvesha mocked at me, “Jungle se aaya hai, isko angrezi bolna nahi aata mam.”
There was huge difference. At GSSS Model, English subject was course-A with comprehensions and passages mostly whereas my previous school had Course B that dealt with grammar and literature only. Mid-term results were declared in Dec-95. I scored 33/100 in English. Next day, my father was called upon by the subject teacher in Principal’s office and she didn’t leave a chance to insult me. I heard her saying, “Your son doesn’t know to speak in English. Moreover he has scored only 33, just passing mark. He is not fit to study in our school”.
That was rude and insulting.
But my father had belief in his teachings. He had taught me basics strong enough to compete. He firmly assured my English teacher that, I will score 100 in the final exams and top the class.
Father handed over a handwritten note to the English teacher and asked her to show the answer after two days. Shockingly after two days, she apologized to my father for being arrogant the other day.
My teacher later had shown me that paper. My father had asked her to translate a para from Hindi to English and one para from English to Hindi. She couldn’t. Now I had a point to prove that my foundation was strong enough and better than just scoring marks. I worked hard on translations. To learn spoken English, I started listening to cricket commentaries and then I did extremely well in the final exams.
I agree with Shubham. I had met his science teacher from the GSSS Model once and she couldn’t stop praising Shubham.
She had told me, that he was one of the best students that school had from the 1995 to 2000 batch. Many students from other sections used to come with complex questions in science and math when he was in X std.
Life changes every single moment. Life gave a chance to Shubham to prove a point, to prove himself and he was up to the task. Time is everything. If something is meant to happen, be it favourable or unfavourable, it will happen at the right time and for the right reasons.
But time had more challenges to offer to Shubham. Both Sasi and Shreya had joined the same school in Class X. Shreya and Sasi were in A section whereas Shubham was in X-E. His past has chased him. He and Sasi used to take the same bus to their school every day.
One day, both Sasi and Shubham came face to face in the assembly area.
Sasi tried to avoid him and as she started to walk away, Shubham said, “I am sorry for whatever had happened.
But it wasn’t totally my fault alone. You will come to know the truth someday Sasi.
If possible, forgive me”.
Sasi stood silent for a minute, turned back and gave: you-better-be-sorry look to Shubham and walked away to her classroom.”
The very next day, when they travelled in the same bus after school, Shubham took the seat just behind Sasi’s. Intentionally, he told Sasi’s friend, “We should not judge a friend from just one bad experience. Give them a chance to clarify or you go a step forward to know the truth”. Sasi felt something in his words and two days later she wrote a note for Shubham and gave it to her friend to hand it over.
“You shouldn’t have done whatever you did in VIII std. Mala told me the truth after you left the school in IX but I was waiting to see if you would ever apologize to me or not.
You did. I forgive you. But we cannot be friends anymore. Be happy. Don’t think too much and don’t trust blindly on anybody” – Sasi wrote in her note.
Shubham felt relieved and he concentrated more and more on his studies.
His X Board exams went extremely well. His board results were about to release by the last week of May. Meanwhile he made a visit to the Little Islands. This time he met Shanti. She had an amazing aura about her. She became his rakhi-sister. He met few friends from his old school and on two occasions he also went to Moumita’s home.
I asked Shubham about this visit, “Did you make friendship with Moumita?”
No, SK. She wasn’t that frank either in the presence of her parents. Otherwise she was a bubbly girl who spoke nonstop at times in the school. I met her because I wanted to know more about her.
The second shocking incidence took place just before his X board results. Shubham lost his mother. She suffered a renal failure. Doctors could have saved her life but it was one unfortunate day when the Medicine required to keep her kidneys functional were out of stock
and the flight by which the substitute was sent from Chennai, was cancelled due to heavy rain. This loss was unbearably intense. He gradually turned silent and remained cut-off from family, relatives and friends for months carrying the huge emotional burden.
“Have you thought of those orphans who have lost their mother just after birth or in some accident? Don’t they live and move on in life? You should be thankful to the God that you could spend a long innings with your mother. You have to be bold and brave Shubham here onwards. Your sister will also look up to you as her emotional strength”- his Math teacher Mr. Maiti offered him words of comfort and reassurance. After his mother’s death, Shubham’s father took good care of both; him and his younger sister. Soon, he realized that the only way to pay tribute to his mother was to follow her last wish.
He could never forget his mother’s last words on the death bed-“take care of everyone, never disobey your father, study well, never lose hope and be a good human being”. When results were declared, he had scored 78% and he held the 2nd position in his school in science subject. His science teacher, Mrs. Nirmala Iyer praised him a lot and encouraged him to be focused despite the hardships he was going through.
Shubham shifted from Model school to RBV. Every teacher and his then classmates were surprised to know when he took a TC.
Some rumors got his attention that in GSSS model, XI std teachers never taught well in class and they compelled students to come for private tuitions else they will be given only border marks. It did surprise me too.
I have heard from one of his Model school friend that he stood among top five in the school in X. However he dropped out of school after completing XI from RBV for a year to rejoin Model school.
It was immediately after his mother’s sad demise; he developed a minor heart ailment. The accident had triggered it actually.
But for Shubham, the Storms kept coming every year. We don’t get everything we desire in life. He always wanted to be a Doctor. He had scored 82% overall in the Senior Secondary examinations. He was among the top 15 candidates to be qualified for the MBBS course but he missed out by 0.6%. He had come this far in the competition yet he was losing the ultimate battle.
But his name was on the top in every other course of medicine field-BHMS, BAMS, B.PHARMA etc and he was at third position in
the Engineering category. He had told his father that he would go for the BHMS or B.Pharma.
Surprisingly and unfortunately the colleges that were supposed to give a final go-ahead for the number of reserved seats, delayed the confirmation.
His relatives had mind-washed him and his father that other courses were useless and had very rare scope of getting a government job. In those days it was a matter of pride, if a child wasn’t getting MBBS seat, the only option left was Engineering and then to get into rat race for the Govt. jobs.
According to our society, if you are good at studies, you have just two options – become a doctor or an engineer! So, if you’re not very good at studies, you’re lucky! You could be anything. Because then, you are free from the burden of expectations.
He had opposed his father’s and relative’s point of view but not enough to make a firm stand.
He was forced into Engineering.
He went on to join UCE, Burla in Sambalpur-Orrissa but there he started falling sick due to his heart ailment and he could not continue the college.
He got confined to the fact that he was too good as a student to join Medicines degree and engineering was like a hell for him.
Within a month he had surrendered. He was broken. He was low in confidence. Ultimately he came back dropping out of engineering college. After that he had done degree in computers but never got the chance to study in a regular college. In 2001 he did clear the JIPMER medical entrance but when he got the call letter it was too late-the counseling was over.
“Quite a tale of hard times and tragedies, Shubham! And to an extent, I agree with you that life would have been different had your family not left the Little Islands.”
PART 10
“MOUMITA- his unfinished-unfixed story”
So you had met Moumita after you were back to the islands? – Without Moumita, the chapters in his life would have never been completed.
Yes I met her. I wanted to assure myself that I really loved her and that whatever I felt for her earlier wasn’t just a momentary desire. When she was in degree college, I would go and see her often; not necessarily meet her. Nobody had any objection as I always visited the college during lunch intervals. Moumita wasn’t that friendly with me. She would reply to my queries as if she was forced to. She was a different girl after she had recovered from the incident. She had become more reserved. But selfishly, I kept trying to make her feel I was there for her.
I started noticing more and more of her whenever I skipped my classes to get her one glimpse.
I paid attention to every single detail about her- the way she talked, her laughter, her expressions while chatting with friends in the class and hallway. At times I would just glance at her from distance. At times her eyes met mine in close encounters.
When you understand that if you fall for some girl but go speechless when you see her facing right into your eyes, no worldly treatment can cure that. What else can you do?
Her presence always had given me an inner peace, the peace, which I desperately needed. She was like those raindrops in scorching summer that soothed my body and soul.
So I decided to hope. Hope for the better. It didn’t take much time to become friendly with her parents, specially with her mother.
Occasionally, I started visiting her home, used to chit-chat with her and her parents as well. May be for good reasons, her parents never had objection regarding my visits.
Initially, Moumita would refrain herself talking to me both in college and at home. She wouldn’t even come out of her room to see me, she wasn’t bothered much. Sometimes she would talk to me arrogantly.
You know SK; Bong girls are the most beautiful ones when it’s about physical appearance. It’s not that she possessed the skin-beauty but I liked the way she was. For me it was never about the physical attraction. I loved everything about her. Even if she avoided me at times, it never made be behave differently with her.
Two years had gone by like this and still I wasn’t sure if I and Moumita shared the bond of friendship. She was in her final year of degree. Neither I knew about her likes and dislikes nor I knew about her feelings for me. Might be she wasn’t interested in; what I felt for her.
Whenever I tried talking to her she would either pretend to be too busy or she would simply walk away without uttering a word.
I could sense that deep inside she was hiding something but I never got a chance to ask her.
At times I wondered what I meant for her; just an ex-classmate or an unauthorized friend whom she won’t allow to access or share her personal life but at the same time keeping me as an option.
We met almost once in a month at her home. I did most of the talking and she would keep the silence listening to me, smiled sometimes and then suddenly she would behave as if I didn’t even exist.
It made me feel that she never knew how to be polite and behave with friends but I loved her little imperfections.
That’s what true love is all about- accepting the person even with their flaws, mistakes, giggles and their unlovable side. And a true love not necessarily mean both have to feel the same way or love each other.
She always occupied my mind whenever I felt alone, whenever I was far away from her. The most beautiful thing about her was her Smile. I would die and live thousands life, whenever I saw her heart throbbing smile and kept asking myself, “Will she ever let me to be the reason of truest happiness in her life? Will she ever treat me more than just a friend?
At times I felt jealous and possessive when I used to see her talking to the boys in the college ignoring me completely but I never wanted to bind her to my sentiments.
She was happy enjoying the freedom and little liberty within limits, she got out of home. There was an unseen bond between me and Moumita which I could feel and she was unaware of.
All I wanted from IX was to make good friendship with her. My expectations got wings as soon as I realized how much I loved her but I could never fix it. I was getting consumed by both her absence and presence.
The lesser I visited her at home or college, the more I fell in love with her and she had no idea about how deep it was. Might be she knew why an ex-classmate would regularly roam in her college without any other reason but never approached asking me about it. Might be she never wanted to exploit herself with the side effects of being loved. I loved her so much that the idea of proposing her always scared me of losing her.
Did you ever propose her or expressed your feelings to her, Shubham?
Yes, I did. I had to tell her. I did not want to waste any more time. I wanted to see if she thought me, more than a friend.
It was her final year in college. One afternoon, I was waiting outside, for the college hours to be over. As she reached the exit gate, I interrupted her and said “Moumita” – I need to talk to you. It’s important. Shall we walk together to your home?
“What happened, Shubham?”-she asked.
“I can’t tell here. Walk along with me.
She agreed.
We both were silent as we walked slowly towards her home. Then breaking the silence, I said-“Moumita……I really like you, more than a friend. I have fallen in love with you….more than a friend.
Moumita stopped. Her face reddened. Frowning and looking away from me, she replied- Shubham, look-you are my good friend. I don’t want to answer about this, please.
Moumita, we know each other since IX std but hardly we know about each other’s likes and dislikes. Inspite of all these, we meet, we talk. May be you know, why I come every day to college; you never told me to stop seeing you. Moumita, you mean so much to me. I really want to know if you feel the same for me. Don’t you think we can add a new dimension to our friendship, go one step ahead?
At this she started walking without answering. I followed her.
Stop Moumita, you have to answer. You can’t always avoid things; you can’t avoid me by simply walking away.
“I need time to reply”- she said and walked away.
I couldn’t say a word. “Should I feel happy about her last reply that I can still hope, she will reply positively- I thought”. I said to myself- let her go; let her take time as long as she wants.
But ‘the time’ never came.
After that day, I went three or four times to her home as usual. I never asked anything related to my proposal.
One day, her mom said; I know why you come here, Shubham.
I was not surprised. I always felt her mother could sense the reason for visiting their home frequently.
I replied- Aunty, when you know why don’t you ask Moumita about it. I really like her. But without her or yours permission I don’t want to take next step. Don’t you think I am a match for her?
Her mother gazed at me. I will discuss with Moumita but listen Shubham- within next two years we might move to Kolkata and we are planning to get Moumita married there.
This is was a warning for me. For a moment my dreams of making a life with Moumita had crash landed but I controlled myself and told her mom that I will wait for her reply.
But I never got the reply- neither from aunty nor from Moumita. Those were early days. Love needs unexpected sacrifices. Three days later I went to Moumita’s home.
Unfortunately, it was the day when I met Moumita for the final time. She was quite busy at home.
I decided to wait.
I was not willing to quit the last lone battle. I desperately needed to know many things. I had to overcome the insecure feeling of losing her.
“Mou? Come on dear, I know you are pretending to be very busy but I won’t go without a final talk with you. –I shouted’. Her mom appeared instantly from the kitchen and said, “why so loud Shubham? Wait! She is coming.
A few minutes later, she came and sat beside me; dressed in a pink top and a fancy skirt; like the one she wore during the picnic of IX class. She looked so beautiful and fresh like the morning dew drops when the sun shines in the winter. She was silent.
‘You look gorgeous, Mou!- I complemented.’
‘Well, I was expecting you will come and fire me up for I shouted on you just now’.
I was surprised, she was so calm like a placid lake. I had never seen her so composed in the past.
“Show me your right palm-Mou insisted me”.
As I was going to rest my right hand on the edge of the sofa we occupied, she gripped the thumb of my right hand. For the first time ever a girl has touched me with her tender hands. She wasn’t any other girl. She was the one whom I wanted to do so. I felt shivers. I didn’t resist.
I wished she always held it like the way she did that moment.
‘Fold the thumb, Shubham’-she ordered.
With her eyes still fixed on my folded right thumb, she told; the letter appears to be ‘S’. I predict that either you will marry to someone whose name starts with the letter ‘S’ or after your marriage someone whose name starts with ‘S’ will bring lots of happiness in your life which you can’t imagine right now.
Are you kidding me, Mou? When did you become a Palm reader? These things do not work-I replied in disagreement.
“No Shubham, you have my word and believe me”-she reassured with her magical eyes.
Why can’t it be you, Mou? Why not us?-words were dying as they came out bearing the pain. I sensed and asked myself, ‘has she rejected the proposal’?
‘Look Shubham! I don’t want to answer; I don’t have any, for your questioning eyes’. Forget me and forgive me please. Someday I will answer all your queries. But for this moment spare me.
She looked deeper into my eyes. I could sense, she wanted me to leave without asking anything further and I had to leave else I won’t be able to let her go; let her be happy with whatever she wanted in life.
‘Take care of yourself and always be happy like this, Mou! This isn’t the end rather a beginning. Be in touch. Have a good life. I will see you soon’.
She stood firm without letting any emotions to slip out of her eyes and she raised her hand with the same smile I loved; that I never imagined was for the final time I watched her in that verandah in that flat.
SK; after chatting with Tisha after 13 years, that day on facebook, she gave me Moumita’s number. I felt like calling her and talk but a fear was forcing me not to go ahead.
What kind of fear, Shubham?
How would she respond? I wasn’t aware of her present situation. Will she not be hurt by facing people from her past? Will she even recognize me? Will she not avoid me as she did after my proposal? Will her parents allow Moumita to talk to me?
You had lost Piyali-the girl who would have always loved you if she lived on this mother earth but you were unaware of her dedication.
You loved Moumita so much yet you had let her go without trying atleast once, to make her feel what she meant for you.
What kinda love is this? Why did you mess up things for yourself?”- I asked Shubham while I felt the pain he carried all these years for loving Moumita unconditionally.
SK, “Even if she never understood the feelings I had for her, it wasn’t the end of faith I had on us together. I never tried hard-for her to want me, make her feel the same way for me as I felt for her, for her to love me in return. Letting her go was never easy for me but I had to. Her happiness meant more than my own selfish desire of having her as a life partner. The love was always a one sided affair between me and Moumita”.
What I wanted, was to see her always being happy with the decisions she took her life; knowing the tough times she has gone through during schooling and the conflicts of ideas and values she had within her family.
I knew she was ruining her life, she wasn’t that happy but she was never ready to share her problems with anyone. It’s not that she did not have friends but she was never a good speaker within herself nor to her friends. The pain she had in layers been deeper and thicker that I could feel in her eyes whenever they met mine.”
Gathering courage, one day I had left a message for her; “Moumita, how are u doing? How about your parents?” There wasn’t any reply from her for next three days. Again, I had resent the message and her reply left me in tears.
What did she say , shubham ?
Her message read-“after so many years, today and now I understand when someone loves the other and that person goes beyond our reach with no imprints of him or her left behind to trace, that pain is so much…….I understood today. Please be happy always. I realized everything very late. I hope you will understand my pain”
SK, I don’t know whom she referred to but my heart said, Moumita was carrying a never ending pain. Did she refuse my proposal because she had someone in her life that time?-my instincts were forcing me to ask her but I left it on time and Moumita to answer this.
What did you reply, Shubham?
I had no words to console her as I wasn’t sure if she was feeling the pain because she took me for granted and rejected my proposal or whether she was trying to tell me something else. But I was unable to control my emotions after hearing her voice when she called on my number one day me to talk. That day I told her everything which she never knew about. I tried to reassure her, we can be good friends always. She had told me that, she can’t continue friendship with me because then her past will keep coming back irritating her. May be I was an irritating subject for her. May be she has some repentance.
You know SK, the day I had left IX std from the little islands, rest of my classmates went for a picnic. I missed that enjoyment.
A month later, one of my classmate, sent me the picnic photos. I had specifically mentioned to get the girls gang photo from the picnic. When I received it, I had shown it to my mother and pointing to Moumita in that picture I said, “Maa, I want to make friendship with this girl, I like her”. Maa replied rather cautioned me, “if you like some girl and later if you fall for her, be ready to struggle and bear the pain in love if it turns out to be one-sided”. I didn’t reply her back.
SK, I never was a part of her private and personal life. Nor we had any affair ever. Then how the hell I remind her of her past every time? This question was killing me and I asked her the same question one day but she never replied. She started avoiding me again. I had a gut feeling that she was confused too, if to keep this so called friendship or break away and on 07Dec2016, she had bid a goodbye to me through a message.
‘If we remain bonded by friendship, my past will keep haunting me. Better we keep ourselves out of touch’.-that was her message.
Shubham had lots of answers to get from Moumita. Shubham’s professional commitment brought him to Kolkata in 2017 and to his luck, Moumita had also asked him to meet for once. Moumita had to settle few things and that’s why even after she decided not to be in touch with Shubham, she actually was, indirectly. Avni and Shubham regularly inquired about her well being so as Moumita about them. Sometimes she would reply and sometimes she ignored. But more than Moumita, Shubham desperately needed only one answer; there were many decisions in Shubham’s life which were aftermath of Moumita’s disappearance in the year 2005.
At the Rene towers-on the busy streets of East Township, South Kolkata, he waited for two-long hours, outside the entrance in cold keeping his eyes focused on the exit door. As soon as the office got closed, Moumita came towards him and she repeated the same thing; “Better we both not be in touch ever. We both will get hurt”. As she spoke her lips shivered, eyes appeared heavy. Shubham realized that her heart mind and the arguments were not in sync but he listened patiently and promised her that she will never hear from him again but when Shubham asked her, “why she thought that only he reminded of her past and not Tisha and others as all of them were friends from the same school, Moumita didn’t answer and she again walked away bidding a final goodbye. Shubham tried to regain strength has tears let him in complete darkness on those luminous streets of Rene towers.
This world is not enough to engulf the pain of the scar that Piyali and Moumita has left in Shubham’s life from the past and the past is not enough to instigate a rein of dark hours in his present. Shubham is a self-motivated person. I know he will survive this storm too.
Sometimes it is better to leave some stories at that point where one feels that even if one sided, true love is always immortal.
“My love for Moumita has a separate space that Avni only understood and Moumita could never. She always walked away leaving behind everything unfinished and unfixed. Today I have a lovable and supportive family. I am well settled. I have earned respect and affection of industry people. When Moumita had left, I tried searching her in 2008 in Kolkata twice but I wasn’t successful”.
“My efforts went in vain. One night at the Baruipur railway station was horrible because I had a clue that Moumita’s family lived in that area but later I came to know it was a wrong address. I left my IT job in depression in 2008. In Jan 2009 there was pressure from my relatives and father to get married.
My father was ageing. By 2008 end, I lost hope and faith in myself that I will never be able to search Moumita and what if she had got married by then”.
“So I decided to get married. One day I met Avni, 5feet tall-brownish complexion-polite girl.
On the very first meeting, I had asked her if she would marry me because I had a mindset after unable to find Moumita that I don’t want girlfriend-boyfriend scenes. I want a true, lovable, understanding life partner who will always be with me during my hard times, who will always be my strength and I will be able to give her place and space she will expect from me as a husband. And Avni is that blessing of my present apart from my professional achievements”.
Does Moumita, ever regret for rejecting Shubham’s proposal in college days? That; only Moumita has the answer. Moumita still remains a mystery, the unfixed love of Shubham.
Moumita could never gather courage to face Shubham. If she wanted to, she could have erased Shubham out of her mind many years back itself. She didn’t. For good or bad reasons, but she remembers everything about Shubham from her past.
Will she ever disclose the truth? Only time will tell. But Moumita still remains his one sided-unfixed love and how deep it is that only Shubham and Avni knows.
-“I thought I have moved on and time will heal the wound that I carried since Moumita eloped but it was myth. I knew Moumita never loved me, but then she never forgot me too and that one feeling is enough for me to keep moving in life with a ripple of hope that someday she will feel me too.” Time travels, Time heals but Time has left me with her memories forever.” But on the other side of coin, if Moumita had not been in my life, I would have never met Avni-my blessed present.
Select Page below to Continue Reading…
